A question to the CD's

[WsprsOnTheWind]

How important to you is the comfort level of your GG's? Are you so caught up in your own agenda of dressing at any cost that you would shut someone that loved you out of your life if their comfort level was not to the degree of participation that you would like, or would you just be glad that you had someone who loved and accepted you and could accept any level of participation she would/could engage in?

What if she refused to participate at all but did not hold you back or expect you to stop as long as you didn't include her? Would the fact that she loved you and accepted you be enough or do you feel you have to find that person who can fill all of your needs as a CD to be content?

[ShannonDragon]

Since my wife is a very big part of mine, I want her to be as comfortable as she can. Fortunately I am one of the lucky ones who's wife has no problems with my dressing.
That still does not mean I come straight home from work and change into a skirt or do the same on weekends. My choice actually, my comfort level.

[GaleWarning]

My marriage did not end because of crossdressing. It ended because there were too many other issues about which we could not agree. Eight years down the line, I do regret having parted, but am realistic that, had I stayed, I would be at least as miserable today as I was back then.

[Nigella]

Our relationship has always been based on a mutal respect and understanding of each other. Back in the day when I professed to be a CDer, things never moved at a pace that neither of us was comfortable at. There did come a point where I pushed too hard and I got bitten. It shocked me to realise what I had done so I handed full control to Sandra.

Since that point it has been agreed movements. Sandra has never put any ultimatums to me, as I never would to her. Having now accepted that I am TS, if it came to a point where Sandra could not accept me for who I am, then yes we would split. It would hurt more than anything in the world, but we both know that it would not work if we could not agree.

[Kaz]

I have no desire to include my wife in this, though if she expressed an interest I would accommodate her wishes. I hope that she can accept me as I am but this has been a difficult ride and I suspect that it will not end as I would like. I would really like her to accept me as I am and for us to continue with our life together. I have no demands on her at all and do not seek her participation other than accepting this side of me. I do not wish to make it publicly visible or to push it into our family life...

Some CDs here seem to make all sorts of demands on their partners... all I want is acceptance and understanding.

[BRANDYJ]

I have no desire to include my wife in this, though if she expressed an interest I would accommodate her wishes. I hope that she can accept me as I am but this has been a difficult ride and I suspect that it will not end as I would like. I would really like her to accept me as I am and for us to continue with our life together. I have no demands on her at all and do not seek her participation other than accepting this side of me. I do not wish to make it publicly visible or to push it into our family life...

Some CDs here seem to make all sorts of demands on their partners... all I want is acceptance and understanding.

Hi Kaz, In reading your response, I am not clear on whether your wife even knows you crossdress or is that something you have never shared with her? I hope you don't mind my asking.

[Kaz]

Hi Kaz, In reading your response, I am not clear on whether your wife even knows you crossdress or is that something you have never shared with her? I hope you don't mind my asking.

Brandy, she knows, doesn't accept or like it, but sort of tolerates it, although it still waiting in the wings for the break up when she decides to initiate it... it comes up when she feels the need to attack me on something... anything, you know how it goes... I didn't get the whole hedge cut.., I crashed the car... etc... "you used the shower when you said you were working"..., etc... I stayed up too late (what was I doing)...

This is not what the thread is about, but yeah, I am always backed into a corner and never know why? I do everything I can to minimise the effect of my life on other people, but still they complain...

I live a life of guilt and hiding... and it is a spiral...

If she would accept me for who I am, as I do her, that would be good. Sadly life doesn't work like this... and my priority is to my family, not to my need to crossdress...

[FAVORITE HEELS]

I agree with that! The privacy seems to be of the greatest concern so telling them you will keep it private and to myself made her more willing to understand it.I will continue to dress fully as often as possible with her knowing its going on and not know the details as She would prefer.

[WsprsOnTheWind]

Looking back on the situation, I realize that there was no interest, care or love in me as a person. It was all about what needs of his I could fill. What he meant when he said we could compromise was that I would be the one expected to do all the changing and compromising. The person he presented himself to be in the beginning, that I fell in love with, did not exist.

Guys, CD's or otherwise, always just be honest and yourself with women up front. Don't put on this facade and act like someone you are not. If you are you from the beginning then she gets to know the real you from the start. It's not fair to anyone to mislead them to fall for someone that really don't exist. Be real and be honest b/c if you aren't it does come back to hurt YOU in the long run too.

[Richelle]

My wife does not like or support by cross dressing and me going out as Richelle. However, I must also say that she accepts that I go with her to the nail salon and have my nails done at the same time she does. She also accepts that some of my paints and tops are from the womens departments or stores.

After almost 30 years of marriage we have come to an understanding that this is one area we do not share or even talk about. This works for us and our marriage. I am not sure it would work for others.

Richelle

[FAVORITE HEELS]

I have told my wife she is understanding and loving.I think its natural to not want to participate.I truly think its better that way.She is also curious why I want to cuddle more.I say its her being accepting of me makes me so happy.Them feeling good about your intimacy with them as being unaffected by the CDing.I believe its much better after coming out to her.

[BRANDYJ]

How important to you is the comfort level of your GG's? Are you so caught up in your own agenda of dressing at any cost that you would shut someone that loved you out of your life if their comfort level was not to the degree of participation that you would like, or would you just be glad that you had someone who loved and accepted you and could accept any level of participation she would/could engage in?

What if she refused to participate at all but did not hold you back or expect you to stop as long as you didn't include her? Would the fact that she loved you and accepted you be enough or do you feel you have to find that person who can fill all of your needs as a CD to be content?

Wsprs, You know me, so maybe you already know my answer to your question. A good one, I might add. As you know, my SO accepts me completely and has no problem at all with my dressing. But if she did not want to participate on any level, yet still let me dress when I wanted to or otherwise not include her in any way. I would still be happy. For me, her happiness is as important as my own. It's my responsibility to communicate with her about limits or things she may not like...if there was any. I'm happy to say that my own self imposed limits and sensibility to how often and when I dress meets hers 100%.
Bluntly, I'd do all I could to shut my crossdressing out of my life instead of cut her out of my life. Nothing on earth is as important to me as she is to me. That means her happiness and comfort level about not only my dressing, but everything else between us is a very happy compromise. My dressing is very compatible to our life together. I would never ask more of her in participation then she would be happy or comfortable doing or sharing this with me. Simply stated, She comes first and foremost.

[kimdl93]

I'm fortunate to have a wife who accepts me fully and participates fully. I'd be disappointed if it were any other way, but I realize that this is asking a bit much of most women.

[StaceyJane]

My wife doesn't have a problem with me crossdressing but she doesn't want to participate. That's fine with me as long as I can crossdress and I don't have to hide the fact that I do.

[charlie]

My wife hates that I dress and hates to even discuss it with me. We have a "don't ask don't tell" agreement and try not to get into discussions that will result in her crying. I dress each month when I go away on business. I guess I just can't ever retire! I love her and hate making her sad and full of tension. That is why I go away to dress. I don't want her out of my life and dressing is not more important then she is.

[Cynthia Anne]

I think this is a problem more wide spread than most realize! It's pretty easy to fall in a rut and think of oneself and kind of ignore the 'comfort zone' of that SO!

[WsprsOnTheWind]

I think this is a problem more wide spread than most realize! It's pretty easy to fall in a rut and think of oneself and kind of ignore the 'comfort zone' of that SO!

In my personal experience, I don't think it was the fact of him falling into a rut. As Brandy, pointed out to me, if you took the CD out of the picture he would still be a self-absorbed individual who cares only about pleasing himself. He never really wanted ME for who I am, nor did he ever care to try to learn who I was. He only wanted someone that he could try to change and control.

Brandy, yes I knew what your answer was going to be, how many times have you told me this when we've talked over the last couple years? I just wanted to see what others thought of the situation. I'm curious that way. lol

Wow, Christine, to "Suffer in silence" would be a horrible existance. I wouldn't dream of ever asking anyone to change that much for me and in return I would hope they wouldn't try to change me.

Stephanie, I feel your pain there and hate that it is being used against you as a weapon.

To the person that said they pushed their gg/wife too far, thank God you realized what you were doing and corrected it. Pushing someone only makes them grow to hate you in the long run.

It's wonderful to see you guys post that you would never expect your gg/wife to do anything she wasn't comfortable with. I was made to feel worthless and ashamed b/c I refused to go out in public, in the town I live in b/c I was embarassed and didn't want to run into people I know. Not only that, but with the nature of work that I do, it might not be a good thing to do that close to home for me. Of course when I explained that I was just a vile POS, yet his defense was that he couldn't do that near his home b/c someone he knows or is related to might see him. His just desserts will come when EVERYBODY finds out about him, IMO.

Taking CD'ing out of this equation and that's how it should be with any issues in relationships.

And, by gollie, what happened to the days that a man was supposed to take care of the woman and make her feel loved and protected? I've had just about enough of the "I did it all for you and you did nothing for me" mentality...lol.

Sorry, just had to vent there for a sec.

[RebeccaLynne]

Wsprs, relationships should be based on openness, trust, and honesty. I'd like to add that I'm strictly an "in house" CD'er, so public observation or recognition is not an issue. I divulged my CD'ing activity to my GF with the intention of complete disclosure, in order to allow her to decide if she considered it a "deal breaker". She's not really pleased with it, but as long as she's not expected to participate, she understands that I'm going to dress as I please when we're apart. It's my life, and I'll do what I want. I'd never try to control her, and I expect the same in return.

His just desserts will come when EVERYBODY finds out about him, IMO.

Since you stated you were "venting", maybe I shouldn't react as strongly to your quote above as I'm about to. But you've touched a nerve with it, and so I will.

I've read way too many posts from GG's about how they were deceived by not being told about their SO's CD'ing. Yeah, openness is a virtue. But so is confidentiality. And that's why CD'ers tend to keep it secret. We don't need to be outed by a vindictive ex, no matter what her supposed justification is. And to think she'd relish the thought of her former partner suffering public, private, or family humiliation is abhorrent. And exceedingly objectionable.

OK, I've vented now, too. And I won't apologize for doing so. Yeah, I wear clothing designed and intended for women. And I'm a guy. A crossdresser. That's my business, and nobody else's. Woe be it to anyone seeking to shame me.

After all is said and done, testosterone drives me. And anyone seeking to harm me will suffer the repercussions of their actions. I don't get mad; I get even.

[msniki48]

It's wonderful to see you guys post that you would never expect your gg/wife to do anything she wasn't comfortable with. I was made to feel worthless and ashamed b/c I refused to go out in public, in the town I live in b/c I was embarassed and didn't want to run into people I know. Not only that, but with the nature of work that I do, it might not be a good thing to do that close to home for me. Of course when I explained that I was just a vile POS, yet his defense was that he couldn't do that near his home b/c someone he knows or is related to might see him. His just desserts will come when EVERYBODY finds out about him, IMO.

.

Whsprs, I feel for you my dear, in that you were made to feel badly. My wife has some of the same concerns about being out near our home. We both work in the public eye, so I believe we are in tune on that choice of not being local. when i met my current wife I told her imediately... ok ok, on our 2nd date. She is very supportive but she does not feel the desire to have every waking moment with me as niki, and i try to respect that as we do so much together. I do have a concern about doing things without her, if she gave me permission to do so as niki.... i think i would tend to limit myself as i don't want her sitting at home while i'm out enjoying my niki time with friends.

thank you for making us think....it is a little complicated isn't it

hugs

msniki48

[Stephanie47]

My wife knows of my cross-dressing. She does not like it, and, she does not want to discuss it. I tried to reassure her that my cross-dressing has nothing to do with her. Somehow she (and probably other gg's) figure there must be something lacking in the relationship because I cross-dress. On the conscious level?- I don't think so. During a heated argument she once threatened to tell all the relatives and the world I was a cross-dresser. Frankly, I do not trust her to keep my secret. She has her own dark secrets, which I do not think I would tell anyone about. However, she wishes she never told me her secrets so she could pretend to be the 'pure' woman without any hangups.

My marriage has been a one way street from the start. She made demands and requests that I relented to out of love. Looking back I gave in on significant issues, always figuring the next issue of any consequence would justify giving in on everything from where we live, the church, employment, etc.

So, if she would demand that I 'give up' cross-dressing, it ain't happening. I've never asked her to participate, and, would never even allow her to participate if she asked. If she changed her mind after participating, it would be thrown back in my face. Frankly, my wife is more concerned about what other would think about me/us, than what I feel about cross-dressing. Having a non supportive, hostile wife about a significant part of a cross-dresser's inner self is a recipe for disaster.

[Fractured]

My wife knows of my cross-dressing. ... Somehow she (and probably other gg's) figure there must be something lacking in the relationship because I cross-dress. On the conscious level?- I don't think so.

My SO once said that maybe if she wore make-up and jewelry this desire of mine to do so would not exist. 'Fraid I don't know whether it would or not. But I try to take her feelings into account. We are just starting down this road together and there is enough stress in our lives without the need of adding more unnecessarily. Since I haven't done much (time or item wise) it hasn't been a problem yet but we don't know where it is leading and can't tell what the boundaries are yet until we reach them. Hopefully they will be such that both of us can be content with them. Only time will tell.

[Christine1954]

I have to agree with Brandyj, the happiness of my wife is first and foremost. She did not accept my dressing at one stage and I dressed in secret, hiding it from her. Then one day the subject came up (I had not been found out by the way) and we discussed it briefly. Cutting a long story short, there was a little understanding and acceptance which has been growing with each week that passes. She still does not participate fully but allows me to dress around once a week. She assissts with makeup and choice of clothes to some degree, and gives me lessons in being feminine. The more effort I put into improving my look, the more she accepts Christine. I epilate my legs and chest (which is painful) and spend time preening my looks, applying moisturiser etc. I am dieting to loose weight and reduced my clothes spending until I have reached my target.
I am happy with our situation and hope that it carries on improving but if my wife was not accepting then I would stop and suffer in silence, I could not let this come between us.
Christine.

[Joanne f]

I would not push anything past my wife`s comfort level as i pick up on changes of mood very quickly which will in turn affect my mood very quickly especially when it comes to dressing (you know that sudden mood change some can suffer from) .
But to be honest my wife has a greater comfort level with it than i do so it is difficult for me to say what i would do if she had no or very little support of my feminine side as it is deep rooted in me for me to just ignore it but if that was the case then i would manage the best i could although i cannot see how i would cope if i was not able to have anything at all .
I would not really want to get into a situation were i could do what i like without some sort of participation from my wife or at least with the knowledge that my wife knew what i was doing and it is a bit late in life for me to look for someone else .

[James Kaon]

How important to you is the comfort level of your GG's? Are you so caught up in your own agenda of dressing at any cost that you would shut someone that loved you out of your life if their comfort level was not to the degree of participation that you would like, or would you just be glad that you had someone who loved and accepted you and could accept any level of participation she would/could engage in?

What if she refused to participate at all but did not hold you back or expect you to stop as long as you didn't include her? Would the fact that she loved you and accepted you be enough or do you feel you have to find that person who can fill all of your needs as a CD to be content?

Gosh, its a big question! I am not in a relationship so maybe it is slightly presumptious of me to answer. Obviously you have been hurt by someone and I'm honestly sorry you have had an experience that has led you to feel this way. For me though, the answer is pretty straightforward. If you are in love with someone, then their comfort level is very important. But that must include some level of understanding on both sides. If my need to wear girls clothes included a need to have participation, then I would probably want to express that and ask for it before things got too serious. Even if you dont love someone, and you are aware of an SO who cares so much about you, then it should still be important to understand their position, but like I say, dialogue and honesty should be top of the agenda. Truthfully, if I started seeing someone, I would like a little part of the relationship to include my desires. But no way would I force the issue or feel angry if that was not a possibility. Acceptance of my feelings would be a huge thing that I would respect and cherish though, and not something I would take lightly. I would prefer to be honest but I understand that its not easy for many people as there are so many false perceptions about CDing. Well done for being truthful - you should NEVER feel forced to do something with someone. If you do, then it is not a good relationship.

Good luck!
Jx

[WsprsOnTheWind]

James,

You are right. There should be understanding, acceptance, and participation from both sides if both have expressed that desire and willingness to do so. However, when one or the other set a boundry then that should be respected, especially if that person tells you up front how they feel about it. Either decide you can compromise on some things and do so or move on. My error was not sticking to my guns when I told him NO in the first place. I will NEVER go back on my word again once I give it.

I don't believe in luck. I believe that all things happen for a reason and are for our greater good in the long run.