It's been a while for me...

[Ruikki]

Im coming up to almost a year since I've actually dressed. Okay well thats a tad bit of a lie, but I haven't been anything close to Jamie since then (I decided I wanted to change my name to something that suited me a bit better). It's strange, the moment I was out of my last dysfunctional relationship, the urge to be Jamie really subsided. At first, I stopped dressing up because I wanted to feel a bit more "manly?" (not too sure if thats the right word at all). For a while that mentality stuck, I was doing the whole male college student thing right. 6 months later I found myself falling for another girl and here I find myself now, in this great relationship.

I wont say the idea of dressing up has never crossed my mind. Its impossible for it not to, what with my wardrobe sitting in a suitcase in the back of my closet. And heck, there have been a few times I threw on a dress and stockings, walked around in my heels and tried to be Jamie again. Any time I have, it just felt like an act, like I was only pretending.

This all made me realize why I started dressing in the first place. Being Jamie was my way out of my real life, my chance to be someone else. In a time where I hated who I was, who I was with, I had this escape. I was addicted to it because I could finally get some confidence, I felt good about myself. I immersed in these communities online and people accepted me. Ive always struggled with hiding my true self, it used to be the most painful thing to do. So when everybody just readily accepted me in, I was hooked.

I'm not sure how I feel about my dressing anymore. Right now in my life, for the first time in years I think Im actually happy... I dont need an escape. I hate to think of trying to "give it all up" and purge because on some level I think Jamie is still a part of me... I just dont know if I want to have to turn to her.

[Danni Renee]

I am not sure your situation is all that bad of a thing. It sounds to me like you have reached a place where you can be yourself, whatever you define it to be that day. I know I went through long periods where the urge was not that strong and then would come back - my feminine side was alwasy lurking in the background. Now that I have begun allowing my feminine side to show more, I fell much more balanced in life. I am still not sure where I am going but whatever you choose, I hope you can be happy with yourself.

[Maria in heels]

Ruikki, it is great that you feel content and happy, but I do not recommend that you purge...I think that dressing is more than just an "escape" to another persona...it is allowing our persona to come out from the shadows. I know that for me, Maria is and always has been a part of me, it is not just a "sexual excitement" thing, nor is it something that comes and goes. Yes, there are days that I feel "frumpy" (my word) as my wife does, but instead of the brown suede sweat pants and big top that she wears, Maria just wears jeans and a tshirt. It doesn't mean that Maria is not here, because her mannerisms and characteristics are always blended in with my other persona. I hope that you can understand what I mean...

[Cynthia Anne]

Do not purge! Life s full of ups and downs! Chances are 'she' will return! IT could be when you least expect her! 'She will never leave you compleatley! 'She may be in remission right now, but remember 'she is part of you!

[rachaelsloane]

We all dress for many reasons and if your's was for escape, that is OK. You have to go with the old saying "Once a CD'er, Always a CD'er. The next time you dress can just be because you like wearing that special outfit, not as an escape.
The Best,
Rachael

[Anne2345]

Hi Ruikki! I agree with most of the replies thus far. Although everybody's circumstances are different, and we all have our own personal reasons for dressing (although precisely what those reasons are, that is the real question, huh?), the one thing that appears to be pretty much consistent across the board, as Rachael pointed out, "once a CDer, always a CDer." And this is not a bad thing! CDing is a beautiful endeavor and can provide an outlet to fulfill our personal needs and express the totality of who we are.

That you have been using CDing as an escape is not in and of itself wrong, or a testament to your confidence or happiness, or lack thereof. Although everyone has their own personal escapes from reality, I firmly believe that CDing is more than that. Throughout my own personal journey, I have experienced everything from personal denial, rejection, despair, escape, joy, happiness, and acceptance with my CDing. My case is far from unique. Of course, I am significantly older than you are , so I have been around the emotional block longer, so to speak, than you have. Not to say that your feelings are any less legitimate than mine, or that you even view or need CDing in the same manner that I do.

But my point is that you are still young, and are still learning who and what you are. To this day, I am still learning about who and what I am. We all are. But at your age, I had absolutely no idea who I was, why I was that way, and if I even wanted to be that way. You appear to be very well adjusted compared to how I was at your age. You appear very well adjusted, period. This is certainly a very good thing, that you are proactively taking the time to try to figure this out. I commend you for that. But at this point, I would recommend against purging. If you beat the odds, and should no longer feel the desire to dress, although I would be sad for you , what does it hurt to retain your wardrobe? You can always purge much later on when you are satisfied and confident with yourself that it is not for you. If however, like many of us have done, you purge and then later on down the road change your mind, you will probably regret it.

[carysmarie]

It sounds like your speaking for me, if i had to say how i felt i coudn't put it better myself. My partner know i dress and we're getting married in 5 months, it was hard for her to accept and don't think she is completly happy with me dressing now so i've put Carys to the back of my mind for the last year, but she will always be with me, when we're out shopping, on-line or just in general life, i always look at womens clothing and think "i would love to buy that for myself" (i have got lots of clothing tho! lol) and like yourself do throw on an outfit and lose myself within Carys now and then, which doesn't hurt anyone.

Just be happy with yourself and who you are, if things are going good it may be an idea to tell your current GF how you feel now before somethong happens (she finds out, or you dressed one day) and it may cause problems.

All the best
Carys