Accepting Significant Others

[Danni Renee]

I was thinking the other day about why some individual's SOs readily accept a CD partner while some are hesitant to accept and others just do not accept at all. I think some of it has to do with upbringing but I also wonder if there is another factor involved – specifically the threatening of the feminine confidence of the SO.

A personal example. When I told my SO she was totally accepting. I spent 4 hours crying and stressing and fumbling around telling her about me. When it was finally over she said to me, “Is that it? You are going to have to work harder than that to get rid of me”. Total acceptance from the moment I told her. My SO is a girly girl to the max. No matter what I do, I could never threaten her feminine sense of self.

So the question is do you think your SO/former SO confidence in her feminine self impacted her acceptance of you? Or said another way, do you think your SO felt threatened by your feminine desires because it made them question or doubt their own femininity?

[KrystalA]

Like you, my SO was totally accepting right from the start. When I asked if she was sure it wouldn't bother her, she said - why should it bother me? You're still the same person, no matter what you're wearing. She has been extremely supportive. It doesn't threaten her femininity (or anything else, for that matter) at all.

[Amanda22]

Hi Danni. My wife wasn't a bit surprised by my revelation. She's very confident and there's just no way anything I could do, dressing or otherwise, that would shake that. I had built up a tremendous amount of anxiety in the months leading up to telling her, and it was so unnecessary. She has said on multiple occasions that whether I'm dressed en femme or not she just sees me, the person.

[Wendy_Marie]

Danni,
In my case I think you may have hit the nail right on the head.....I do think my Wife of 26 years is somewhat intimidated and feels that her femininity is being threatened.

[gaylegirlify]

My so is partially accepting as long as i don't leave the house and so far only with lingerie which she buy's for me. i believe some so's feel that they married or met a man and that is what they are interested in not a woman so when you come out to them they can't accept it as you are now wanting to be dressed like a woman and they are just not into women they want their man, others like the female side of you as you are a more gentle and loving person and they don't feel threatened by this, i guess it all depends on the woman and how they feel.

[suchacutie]

My wife and I discovered Tina together, in the 34th year of our marriage! The biggest surprise was that we hadn't discovered her sooner. Our goal is to understand who Tina is and what role she's played in our lives, and will play.

Given that, this issue of my wife's femininity has never come to the fore in this regard. After all, my wife IS the GG. She is teaching Tina how to be feminine, not the other way around. In that sense, Tina is my wife's protege, and is certainly not competition in any way. It might be that we were together so long without overtly knowing about Tina that our relationship was well-explored enough that this notion of Tina excited both of us in that it began to explain issues we hadn't been able to explore. Tina has opened up a realm to us that has given us a much deeper understanding of what role gender plays in growing into adulthood, and then how adulthood is further shaped by gender. The more we learn about Tina, the more we learn about ourselves.

(added later) I should add that this exploration of Tina is our personal exploration. It doesn't involve Tina heading out of the house on her own to "explore" in some way. This is consistent in that I, in masculine mode, don't head out of the house alone to "explore" either. Thus, Tina still understands commitment and the importance of the marriage. It may be this understanding of commitment that has kept Tina's exploration form being a negative issue in any way.

[sissystephanie]

I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her! She had 2 questions for me. The first one was; "are you still a man and will you remain one?", and the second was; ' does Stephanie go out in public?" I told her that yes I was a man and always would be and that Stephanie did go out in public but not often because I was not very good with makeup. She told me that she definitely help with the makeup and anything else I needed as long as I always remembered that I was her Man! I never forgot that and we had almost 50 years together. She was not at all worried about her femininety being overshadowed by mine! She was feminine to the core. I guess our relationship was very similar to Suchacutie's!!

[Lorileah]

Hmmm. My wife was never a "girly girl" she was more just one of the group. She looked great in a dress but she preferred jeans. I don't think I ever threatened her in any manner. What made it work was that we both accepted the other for what they were. There were things that she liked that I guess were more fem about me. She wasn't ever looking for the butch masculine guy. More she wanted someone who wasn't married to their work, had a childish sense of self and could be just fun. I fit that bill. I think when you are more best friends verses having to be fairy tale prince or princesses it works better. You know it takes way to much work to try and be who your SO thinks you should be than if you and her accept the fact that you are both individuals who have quirks of your own.

Taking the OP to another level. If as suggested the woman feels their femininity threatened how much of that is on you? Did you go out seeking the princess? The uber fem woman. The one you thought needed protection? Did you go out looking for "you"? How you thought a woman should be? Instead of looking for someone you could be with, do things with, share things with? If you think your dressing threatens her, then maybe it is because you see her as fragile and needing a macho guy. This whole feeling threatened thing sort of makes the SO seem petty and shallow doesn't it? If that were true than at least an equal number of women would feel happy that they have a person they could talk to, relate to. I have postulated this before, that if you marry for looks or money or anything except having a best friend, a partner, someone you can relate to y levels (not just she was hot or she was a great sex partner) then no matter what you do the relationship will have a rocky course and most likely be doomed. We see this with the American marriage anyway. Half end in divorce. Not all those are due to the guy wearing panties. True love doesn't feel threatened. It may feel confused but often it tends to accept what is happening. It knows that nothing stays the same on the outside. It knows that you really don't love the shell you love the core. Wrappings may change the look but it does not change the gooey nutty goodness inside.

I still stay with the being honest and up front early as the best course to prevent what you perceive as being threatened. It isn't that you are more feminine that threatens them. It is the fear of what other secrets you have.

[Sandra]

From an accepting SO

I was accepting from when I was told which was 6 months after we got married....but I did hit a bad patch when Nigella hit the pink fog after we came out of the Army and into civvy street. She just went to quick for me and I can assure you it had nothing to do with me feeling that my femininity was threatened.

A lot of unacceptance comes down to being lied to, and femininity being threatened is the last thought from a lot of SO's minds.

[Alice B]

That is a very interesting question. My wife has accepted my need to dress, allowed me to go to DLV, but does not want to participate. She is a strong woman, good looking, but not one to dress glam, etc. She dresses well, but basic and shops almost totally on line. Yet, I've recently noticed that she has picked up the look of her clothes, underwear, etc.. I think I may be having an influence and I'm not at all worried that this is due to an outside interest. I don't think Alice presents a threat to her, but I do think it may be making her more aware of herself. Of course I could be totally wrong.

[tiptop]

I'd say your honesty is the biggest single factor in her acceptance, it's the lying that eats away at us.

[Lor]

"I still stay with the being honest and up front early as the best course to prevent what you perceive as being threatened. It isn't that you are more feminine that threatens them. It is the fear of what other secrets you have."-Lorileah

"A lot of unacceptance comes down to being lied to, and femininity being threatened is the last thought from a lot of SO's minds."- Sandra

"I'd say your honesty is the biggest single factor in her acceptance, it's the lying that eats away at us."-Tiptop

Well said, all of you. I agree completely. The dishonesty and the resulting uncertainty are very damaging to an otherwise solid relationship. That fear and uncertainty can lead to a lot of insecurity for the person who was mislead. For me, it wasn't a threat to my own femininity. My insecurity stems from the dishonesty and my resulting fears. I can't speak for everyone, that's just my own experience.

[Holly]

Me? Threaten my wife? Not a chance. Her gender is all factory standard and mine an after-market add-on. Hers works as the manufacturer originally designed it to perform. I'm still working on getting mine to work, period. I think it helped that we both were really in love with each other when we married (42 1/2 years ago) and not in love with the idea of love. There's a lot of things I do that she doesn't like, cross dressing is not one of them.

[JulieC]

My wife's femininity was and is never challenged by my feminine desires. She has a high degree of self confidence and assuredness in who and what she is. She accepts me 100%.

A few past girlfriends have known. I can't say that any of them felt their femininity was challenged by my crossdressing.

[shesadvl]

Danni I knew before I got into this relationship, about my SO ,...as I was told up front,as the relationship progressed,... what I couldnt grasp was the hanging onto the past, but I had discussed this with others as to this behaviour of my SO,.. is perhaps he wanted female friends and didnt know how to go about it, hence the situations I have encountered and dealt with.
my Feminine self was and never ,.. or will be impacted on,...I dress for comfort, have occassionally worn a skirt or dress, but was happy to help him in his dress sense....

as Lori says

I still stay with the being honest and up front early as the best course to prevent what you perceive as being threatened. It isn't that you are more feminine that threatens them. It is the fear of what other secrets you have.

with some of the non acceptance,.. I believe is the fact that when some SO's find out they feel betrayed, and can also be the way one is bought up as well.

But in all as I say if you work within communications and keep an open mind of all, why can you not have what you all desire, as acceptance and happy to be able to dress.

[shannonFL]

No, she's not challenged, she's never seen me, knew before marriage, no amount of talking can resolve the resentment for being this way, I often wonder how it might feel to be one of the lucky ones, as some of you girls are, to relate and share with the person you came to love and chose to share this life with, you are truly blessed.

[StacyCD]

I don't think my SO could be threatened especially since she has never seen me with makeup or a wig. The only change I've noticed is that instead of wearing flannel pajamas she's now waring satin pjs. I doubt she will ever wear stockings and a garter belt despite my doing so. I'm just happy that she has moved from out of sight out of mind to tolerance.

[Jilmac]

You nailed it for both of my former spouses. They both knew going into the marriage that I dressed and they both believed that I would stop once they married me. Both felt that their femininity was threatened by my dressing and I stayed in the closte for too many years. The woman I'm dating now knows all about Jill and has accepted me for the person I am.

[prettytoes]

My wife foud out just a few weeks ago (as I'm sure many of you have read!). She fealt a little betrayed, but the worse part was how she felt of herself as being "so naive" for all those years. I had several pairs of womens panties...I just told her they fit better and were more comfortable. I explained that she wasn't dumb, or blind; just that I had kept it very well hidden. I have come to realize that she loves me...all of me...no matter what. After the initial shock and awe, she is becomming very accepting of my other self. I explained to her that dressing just makes me feel good and puts me in a happy place. She has requested some boundries, which I have no problem honoring. I think with time these will ease. She is a wonderful woman, and I love her now more than ever!

[PretzelGirl]

This is going to be different across the board as we are all different people with differently developed relationships.

For my wife, I feel it is just that we love each other for who we are. We have both been through many changes during our marraige (I started long after we were married). But the same basic love for each other has always been there. So we don't try and change each other and really, the core of who we are never really changes.

[Scotty]

I think upbringing has a lot to do with it but if a person truly loves you and took the time to get to know you then they may likely be supportive.

I think religion has a lot to do with it also - and I don't mean believing in God vs going to church, a "Lot" of churchgoing members I have known over the years have never tolerated anyone...rather funny how that is.
Yet a lot of people I know that believe in God and have church in their own way have no problem accepting.

My So is just amazing, she knew, but as the original poster said, my SO said the same thing.

I'm not 100% femme either, 50/50 so it's not challenging her whatsoever.

[t-girlxsophie]

Made mistakes in my first marriage and I was determined that If I was ever lucky enough to find someone to share my life with,I wasn't going to make the same mistakes.I was determined to be the best partner I could be,My Wife and I met online and she knew straight away I Crossdressed we talked for a frew months and even when we finally met we waited before we introduced her to Sophie,And her wonderful reaction that time was a sign of things to come,so I think we gave our relationship the best possible start I told her then that I would never take her acceptance for granted,My Wife has never felt her femininity or her womanhood was threatened by my dressing,And she has always said I'm the same good person,no matter what I happen to be wearing.Even though we are going through some tough times due to Illness our love and respect for each other is as strong as it was the first time we met.

Sophie

[Stefia S]

My wife becoming more accepting of my going out crossdressed, but she's said she's not quite ready to see me in person or in pictures en femme. In time, I'm sure - I'm taking this at her pace.

We've discussed how I tend to take a masculine role in most things, except for in our relationship, where I tend to adopt what is conventionally a feminine role. So given that I want to express that feminine side of me, externally, makes some sense to her.

[Sue101]

Due to ignorance some women make the wrong assumption that a man's crossdressing is somehow related to her own femininity. It is not dissimilar to women thinking that as they age their partners will automatically seek out younger women. For sure, those with insecutities will think their partners behavior reflects something about them when it doesn't.

My wife is girly so is not threatened by my femininity but when I first met her she was presenting as a tomboy along with the girls she hung out with. My style reawakened her joy for femininity and she has not looked back since. But I know of women who think femininity as a negative thing, that it makes women subservient to men and girly girls are traitors to the modern sisterhood. So there is an obvious clash between women who have abandoned femininity and crossdressers who celebrate it.

[kimdl93]

I could only speculate about why some SOs accept and other can't. Experience has shown, however, that an SO is far more likely to be accepting if she learns before entering into a committed relationship. Probably for two reasons: 1) she's making the commitment with her eyes open and 2) it demonstrates that the CD is capable of being open and honest about even the deepest secrets.