Insightful Comments by a CD "Expert"

[Duana]

So while getting my makeover at Vanity Wilde's in Houston, we were talking about CDing. Vanity has been doing CD makeovers for 15 years so she's talked to a lot of CDs. She also provides lockers for CDs who can't change at home, more often than not, indicating an unknowing or unaccepting SO.

She complimented gigi10 for being so supportive and mentioned a reason why it is important, which I'd never thought of, but is completely true. Many CDs without an accepting SO are tempted to put themselves in dangerous situations. e.g. Alone in a seedy motel with other CDs they know nothing about. Here, anything can happen from mugging, robbery, rape, STDs from consensual sex, protected or not. This is obviously not where an SO wants her partner.

I can testify to the veracity of her statements. I put myself into those situations during my first marriage. I'm not going to go into details but I'll just say I was lucky nothing terribly bad happened, but bad things did happen to me, more than once, including a mild STD and blackmail.

Since my current SO knows about my CDing and supports me completely, I have no need nor desire to get into those dangerous situations.

Just something for SOs to consider.

[suzy1]

Are you suggesting that you say to your SO except me as a C.Der or I might put myself in a dangerous situation?
That doesn’t sound right to me.


SUZY

[Ruth]

I'm with Suzy. I don't know what you mean by insightful.

[Eryn]

I don't think that it is an either-or situation. The observation was that, if CDing is discouraged at home, then the CDer will have a greater *tendency* to pursue it outside the home, sometimes in dangerous situations. The same could be said of other activities, such as drinking alcoholic beverages.

Nobody is going to say to their SO "Either accept me or I'm going out and I'll catch an STD." She just put the concept out there for caring SOs to consider.

I have noticed that our accepting SOs tend to be very protective of us. They seem to be far more vigilant than we are when danger is concerned and tend to steer us away from negative situations that we would otherwise blunder into. Non-accepting SOs have washed their hands of the situation and therefore aren't there to exert a cautionary influence.

[Nigella]

What a most stupid idea that is, your my SO, accept me as a CDer or I'll go do something stupid. Yeah great way to gain support.

[Sandra]

Well that really is a kick in the teeth for unaccepting SO's...and a load of

[Eryn]

It seems that if one insists upon reading a simple cautionary concept as an ultimatum there isn't much that can be done about it. I didn't read it that way.

[Duana]

I guess we determine the context based on our own prejudices. Read into it whatever you want but realize its a reflection of yourself and your life when you comprehend something that isn't there. I never suggested issuing an ultimatum. I CLEARLY said it is something for SOs to consider. Do I need to quote the last sentence again? Something for SOs to consider. And if I'm asking an SO to consider it, how can it be an ultimatum issued by the CD?

The overwhelming opinion is, once a CD, always a CD. It ain't going to change. So ignoring it and trying to pretend it doesn't exist MAY BE a recipe for disaster.

[Nigella]

No matter how you try to sugar coat it, even by asking a SO to "consider" something, it still means that you are putting them into a position that means...

"If I don't accept he will go and do something stupid and it will be my fault because I didn't consider it"

Yeah right

[Sandra]

Why should an SO consider this... to make her feel that she has to be all accepting so that it doesn't happen? Most SO know that the cding is not going to go away but saying that they should consider this is just loading more on her plate when she has enough to deal with already.

[Duana]

Why should an SO consider this... to make her feel that she has to be all accepting so that it doesn't happen? Most SO know that the cding is not going to go away but saying that they should consider this is just loading more on her plate when she has enough to deal with already.

Ok, Sandra, don't consider it. Ignoring facts does not make them cease to exist. When I make any decision in life, I like to have all the facts. I want to know the risks and rewards. Don't you?

Well that really is a kick in the teeth for unaccepting SO's...and a load of

First, its not a load of BS. There is plenty of empirical evidence that this occurs, even right here. Second, sometimes life kicks you in the teeth. I'm not the one doing the kicking by mentioning the possibility.

[Mimi]

I guess we determine the context based on our own prejudices. Read into it whatever you want but realize its a reflection of yourself and your life when you comprehend something that isn't there. I never suggested issuing an ultimatum. I CLEARLY said it is something for SOs to consider. Do I need to quote the last sentence again? Something for SOs to consider. And if I'm asking an SO to consider it, how can it be an ultimatum issued by the CD?

The overwhelming opinion is, once a CD, always a CD. It ain't going to change. So ignoring it and trying to pretend it doesn't exist MAY BE a recipe for disaster.

I understood your point, Duana. I think it could apply to a variety of situations as well, even just high risk hobbies such as racing or extreme sports (not that I am putting CDing in the same category, I'm just trying to avoid negative activies). If the spouse says "I wish you weren't out there doing it, and I really don't want to know anything about it", then there is one less person watching out for them and making sure they are adequately prepared. It certainly doesn't mean that the person is going to deliberately put themselves in harm's way to punish their unaccepting spouse.

[Sophie86]

The most dangerous situation I ever put myself into by not telling my wife was having her find out by accident. I would never meet someone else in a motel, seedy or otherwise, CD or otherwise, because I don't cheat on my wife. I can't imagine that not getting my way would suddenly change that.

[Kaz]

I always find it interesting when a post can inspire emotional responses that are not necessarily what the OP intended or foresaw happening. I shows the power of this sort of community in how we can unearth deep-seated things to learn from.

I think I got Duana's original point and didn't see it as accusatory or inflammatory, but more exploratory, in an attempt to learn.

My SO is not accepting (tolerating to a degree maybe, but this may be coming to an end soon). Have I put myself in dangerous situations as a CD? Well I have tentatively been out and about at times, but I certainly have not done sex with anyone as a CD and regard myself as committed to my partner. My CDing is secondary to my family and all my responsibilities as a husband/parent/professional (as in job!)... yes there are tensions! But I know where my boundaries are and I push them at times... but..

We are a diverse community and we all come from different points of view and have different wants and needs from this and other things we do in life... diversity is good - we learn.

The most dangerous place I have been in whilst "dressed" was walking around York in the UK. Maybe I should get out more!

[msginaadoll]

I do think I can agree to much of the original posts. What in many ways it is saying is to me is that as a CD we will find ways to dress if a SO is not understanding or doesnt know. I have dressed in the past-by myself at seedy motels because they were cheap. They certainly have not always been in the best areas. I have also met other cds on line and shared rooms as well as gone to there place. I am not talking about doing anything sexual, but even meeting another cd can put yourself at risk of being attacked, robbed, etc. I talked to one cd I met at her place after numerous conversations. She said she was onced robbed in her home by another cd. This Cd I talked to was deep in the closet. As the Cd left with money from her wallet she said what are you going to do, call the police. So yes stuff can happen.

[Eryn]

Why should an SO consider this...

Perhaps so that supportive SOs knows that they are appreciated for their moderating influence as well as their encouragement. After all, the original statement was meant as a compliment, not an attack.

A non-supportive SO likely won't be reading that post anyway.

[Tammy V]

Be careful out there, be wise in who you meet and don't get so desperate you go to some seedy place to dress or meet somebody. Just have some common sense and respect yourself.

[Leslie Langford]

I read a book years ago (the name escapes me now) that talked about the kind of psychological mind games that couples often play in order to manipulate their partners into doing what they want, or else to infuse them with a sense of guilt if they don't get their way. The way the author described the various scenarios, yours would have fallen under the heading of "See what you made me do!!??"

I don't buy your reasoning reasoning either, Duana...we're all grown-ups here, and sometimes we just have to accept the fact that we can't always get our way and need to defer to others instead from time to time. It's a quaint concept called "maturity" that the "Me! Me Me!" generation whose sense of entitlement includes continuous instant gratification often struggles with.

[Duana]

I read a book years ago (the name escapes me now) that talked about the kind of psychological mind games that couples often play in order to manipulate their partners into doing what they want, or else to infuse them with a sense of guilt if they don't get their way. The way the author described the various scenarios, yours would have fallen under the heading of "See what you made me do!!??"

I don't buy your reasoning reasoning either, Duana...we're all grown-ups here, and sometimes we just have to accept the fact that we can't always get our way and need to defer to others instead from time to time. It's a quaint concept called "maturity" that the "Me! Me Me!" generation whose sense of entitlement includes continuous instant gratification often struggles with.

First, its not my "reasoning", Leslie. It was a comment made by a CD who has spent 15 years talking with other CDs. It doesn't even apply to me. All you have to do is look at my posts, pics and the posts of gigi10 to see this is not an issue for me.

Maturity certainly means compromise. It also means accepting the things you cannot change. Honestly, I wish everyone could have an SO like I have and not have to hide things. But that's not the case. And why is it that the SO doesn't have to compromise? Expecting the CD to supress part of themselves is idiotic at best.

[docrobbysherry]

Because your post and reasoning sounds eerily like that of my old college girlfriend!

She's cute, trim, and smart! So, I asked her at age 50, "Why didn't she date after she got divorced at age 35?" Here's her answer:

"Because I DID date a guy at work that seemed nice. Then, he started acting creepy and I said I didn't want to see him anymore. Then, he started stalking me and I had to get a restraining order to keep him away from me!"

To both of u, I say---

[abigailf]

it's a dangerous business, Frodo,
going out your door...you step onto the
road, and if you don't keep your feet,
there's not knowing where you might be
swept off to.

I think I understand what Duana is trying to say and I don't believe she is saying or even implying that we say anything to our SO's about this. She was just stating and observation.

However it is one I disagree with. Living is dangerous and we do things all the time that put us in danger, including as Bilbo once said "walking out the door".

So I would not suggest saying to anyone that what we do is dangerous. It's no more dangerous than going to work in the morning.

[Nancie64]

My So is accepting of my dressing but, she does sometimes tell me that she will not tolerate somethings I may want to do. It's not that she doesn't want me to enjoy the experience but like she tells me, "sometimes your urge to dress and go femm does at times, not always, fog my use of good common sense. She loves me and at times proves that good judge pays off. Don't be stupid and make bad choices. If your SO would not or does not accept your dressing, I beleive it is up to us to use the brain we have in that pretty head to make proper choice, Be pretty, but be safe.

[Leslie Langford]

First, its not my "reasoning", Leslie. It was a comment made by a CD who has spent 15 years talking with other CDs. It doesn't even apply to me. All you have to do is look at my posts, pics and the posts of gigi10 to see this is not an issue for me.

Maturity certainly means compromise. It also means accepting the things you cannot change. Honestly, I wish everyone could have an SO like I have and not have to hide things. But that's not the case. And why is it that the SO doesn't have to compromise? Expecting the CD to supress part of themselves is idiotic at best.

Yes, relationships can be complicated and, those that do manage to survive that balancing act are the ones where both partners are willing to compromise, meet somewhere in the middle, and make it a "win-win" situation where neither party has to sacrifice their dignity or self respect in deference to the other.

But there is also that fine line to be considered that is best exemplified by the maxim "Your right to swing your arm ends where my nose begins."

It's never easy, is it?...

[AKAMichelle]

I think the premise is wrong here. There is no reason for an SO to consider that you would do something stupid. Is she suppose to consider that she doesn't let him watch football every Sunday that he will have an affair. Everyone is responsible for their own decisions. I cheated on my wife and my wife was never to blame for any of it. I was.

[Duana]

I think the premise is wrong here.

Would you mind clarifying what you percieve the premise to be, as I don't feel I made one.