Sounds like he's most of all afraid of growing hair on the palms of his hands.
Sounds like he's most of all afraid of growing hair on the palms of his hands.
Nicole I'm with you on this one. I try to only comment from what I personally have experienced as a way to share and allow others to understand me. But please re-read jodycd's entire post again and I hope you can understand what she is saying. Its about when relizing when anything becomes a problemOriginally Posted by NicoleScott
"Live and let live" and "To each their own" is what I might suggest to the varying strains of this thread. Generally, what I have most enjoyed about this site, and keeps bringing me back, is the openess and gentle understanding and tolerance for difference among it's members. I very much appreciate this set of qualities that generally are present. It has also given me a deep appreciation of the the range of motivations, ideas, and experiences of being a crossdresser in the "community".
Does it really matter where any of us falls in the spectrum of our self acceptance or intentions so long as we "do no harm" in any way? I really like the idea of this being a "safe place" to participate in an ongoing narrative sharing of what it means to be a crossdresser in all our experiences with mutual respect and support regardless of differences. In context, this site has helped significantly in better understanding my own experiences over the years, and consequently, with self acceptance. I believe the term is called "normalizing". I thank you all for that, regardless of your "position" on the spectrum.
Kate
I'm sorry if I offended you by accepting what people like SissieStephanie have said and people like marissa have hinted.
Both of those people have stated that they do not believe the mantra that you cannot stop. I accept that they know themselves, so conclude from what they say that given sufficiently good reason they can do as they state and stop cross-dressing.
If that offends you, then your issue is with them for stating it, not with me for accepting that they know themselves well enough to know whether or not they are capable of stopping.
I can speak from first hand knowledge of people with gender identity reasons for dressing, as those of us who suffer from Gender Dysphoria dress by reason of our gender identity.
Please do not try to put words into my mouth, I have never tried to put them into yours.
On another score, I would suggest self-acceptance to anyone (not just those of us who have Gender Dysphoria), since it is my sincere belief that self-acceptance is important for growth.
Last edited by Rianna Humble; 05-13-2011 at 05:05 PM. Reason: follow-on thought
Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.
This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any
Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist
Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity
No, it doesn't matter on CD.com whether someone is TS (MtF and FtM), fetish CD, non-fetish CD, or GG. We've even had some male & female admirers, and everyone here is welcome and supported!
The question in this thread is more about what to do when the sexual or beautiful-woman-fetish aspect of the CDing (that does NOT involve any gender dysphoria) gets to be too much for the person to handle when it encroaches on their ability to to their job or have a good relationships with a partner. And we are not talking about his partner's acceptance levels here, but the CDer's inability to be in a relationship in any meaningful way because all he wants to do is "research" the CDing online or perhaps have sex by himself, again, to a level that the CDer feels is out of control and excessive.
The OP posted links to bloggers who seek support for stopping the compulsion for themselves since they cannot find support on a site like this one, and most of the people who responded in the first three pages of this thread felt they were wrong to try to regain some level of normalcy in their lives.
Reine
Then we agree. My point is merely that the so-called fetish is irrelevant. Let's say this person's obsession was collecting butterflies. He spends every waking moment working on his butterfly collection and neglecting his work, his family and even his own health. Let's say further that because he considers butterflies to be delicate and feminine, he likes to wear women's clothing when he locks himself in the basement all night with his collection. Would we say that his problem is Transvestic Lepidoptery? I hope not. His problem is self control. He may or may not need to give up butterflies and crossdressing in order to regain control but they are not the root problem, only symptoms.
Sure, because crossdressing isn't the problem.
It looks like most all of us are in agreement that it's a problem when anything gets out of control, whether it be gambling, alcohol, golf, or crossdressing. What I don't understand is why gender dysphoria issues are excluded. We've seen posts from folks who are consumed with living their lives as females but can't for various reasons, and it affects other areas of their lives to the point of not being able to function normally. If gender dysphoria causes interruption of a fairly normal life, isn't that a problem?
Rianna, I'm not offended.
Last edited by NicoleScott; 05-13-2011 at 05:35 PM. Reason: reply to post
I understand what you're saying, in that CDing in itself is not a bad thing, even for those who use it for fetish reasons. I agree. In fact, my bf (one of the best people I know) is a CD too!
But, although the CDing is not a problem for many CDers, it most definitely IS a problem for this person and others like him. It serves no other purpose than to get him *high*. If you understand anything about compulsions and addictions, a *high* can be achieved without the use of drugs or alcohol. And, just like any other pleasurable thing, alcohol, food, and the occasional evening on a riverboat are not problematic for some people but they're huge problems for others.
I guess you'd have to define the problems. If a TS can't work or be in a relationship because of gender dysphoria, and providing the other issues are ruled out such as depression, or the reason she is no longer attracted to her wife is because of a change in her sexual orientation, then it does indeed pose a problem as well. She should see a mental health professional. But, in this case the solution wouldn't be to stop presenting in her desired gender, as it might be for someone who just uses the CDing to engage in obtaining a sexual high.
Come to think of it, I don't know how they treat other sex addictions that don't involve the CDing. Do they tell people they can't have sex anymore? I wouldn't think so. It is likely they are told to stay clear of any triggers such as porn, pick-up bars, sex toy shops, etc, and join self-help groups with others like themselves they can call on if they feel tempted. And perhaps work closely with their partners on issues such as emotional honesty.
Last edited by ReineD; 05-13-2011 at 06:37 PM.
Reine
Reine,
I agree with you that it does interfere in some peoples lives ( CDING ) I am one of those whos life is affected by it..I do not wish to be female ,I am not Gay so BY CHOICE I stay in the closet . By staying in the closet ,I have no social life other than work ,again my choice ..Because since my divorce I have allowed Cding to consume me...I dressevery chance I get for a sexual relief in part but I also have a over whelming desire ..
I hate the fact that I do this , ashamed and embarrased if ever out.. I wasn't like this 3 years ago as my dressing desires where only once in awhile maybe 3-4 times a year..I never shaved I had a gote and I got out more often playing in pool leagues or going to a bar with friends ..Not sitting in my room trying to see how pretty I ccan look.. I have a problem and I would like to stop or slow it down anyways either would help..
I joined this forum thinking it was support for people like me NOT support for acceptance, not that there is anything wrong with that.. I have listen to many on how my negetive attitude toward my " curse with in " was the wrong way of looking at it and soaked in advice on how to live with and none of which helped me to do in why I joined here.. I see this place different than most and rarley reply to many post here because I am different than most ..I'm an outcast!! But after a few years I have settled down and with help here and support from people such as you Reine I have gotten a better understanding..
I do not!! Claim to be an expert on any topic, when I post a new thread or reply on any thread my imput is strickly that of a crossdresser. Not to offend Gay people , Transexuals or any other life style, I am only commenting on one of my own.
I cannot speak for Reine's thoughts, but I would agree with her exception for Gender Dysphoria because in the circumstance that you describe, the problem is not the dressing but the dysphoria. Also, I would not describe Gender Dysphoria as a compulsion (which appeared to me to be the nub of what Reine was discussing).It looks like most all of us are in agreement that it's a problem when anything gets out of control, whether it be gambling, alcohol, golf, or crossdressing. What I don't understand is why gender dysphoria issues are excluded. We've seen posts from folks who are consumed with living their lives as females but can't for various reasons, and it affects other areas of their lives to the point of not being able to function normally. If gender dysphoria causes interruption of a fairly normal life, isn't that a problem?
Acute Gender Dysphoria generally does affect every aspect of a person's life that is why we seek treatment to relieve the dysphoria. Dressing as our true gender (whether as a male for an FtM or as a female for an MtF) is not the problem it is part of the cure.
Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.
This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any
Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist
Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity
Lucy, this is a problem. I'm sorry.
I've read your posts before and I always told myself you were consumed with this because you lacked self-acceptance, and if you could only just go to TG support meetings and start going out more as Lucy, you would slowly emerge from your closet and you would gain more confidence. And then if you could start making more friends as Lucy and go out in the mainstream, the sexual aspect of it all would diminish for you.
But, just as most everyone here, I tend to adopt a "one size fits all" approach too. I tend to see most everyone here, except the self-professed fetishists like Doc & Nicole, as needing to express their feminine side because it is an inherent part of their psyche, of who they are.
I forget sometimes there are tons of CDers for whom becoming more feminine in their day to day lives is not a viable solution, and the sheer volume of TG porn sites and chat rooms out there is a reminder of this. But I don't go to these places and the people who go to these places aren't interested in doing anything different than they already do. They certainly aren't interested in coming here.
At any rate, I can see why you'd feel frustrated with some of the advice you've gotten and I can also see why you'd like to be able to enjoy more of life than staying home alone to CD. The best I can recommend is to seek a therapist who is familiar with gender issues and talk to them. Don't rule out the gender dysphoria, but instead describe your situation and tell them you don't know if you have gender dysphoria or you are a transvectic fetishist. Ask them to help you figure it out, and also help you get back out into the sunshine. Tell them you want to be able to enjoy your other activities again, and perhaps get into another relationship, and also enjoy friendships with other people again.
Rianna, I'm saying the opposite. Gender dysphoria is most definitely NOT a compulsion.
Last edited by ReineD; 05-13-2011 at 06:33 PM.
Reine
This does not apply to everyone ...Some people go through stages on and off again some people skip years of dressing then fall back into it.. One can find peace with themself or relief while dressing true , but this does come at a price .. A non uderstanding family , co workers or peers and friends can make a persons life awful if ever outed..Its a double edged sword that I for one can do without ,life would be so much easier with out Cding .. If only the urge could be controlable or managed ,I believe it can be contained but never stopped ..Acute Gender Dysphoria generally does affect every aspect of a person's life that is why we seek treatment to relieve the dysphoria. Dressing as our true gender (whether as a male for an FtM or as a female for an MtF) is not the problem it is part of the cure.
Thats what makes life hard on people like me, finding a woman who will accept me not fearing friends and co-workers taunting me, the odds of acceptance are very small in my life.. No there is no cure without a price in acceptance and even with some acceptance you will continue carrying a black cloud over your head..
I do not!! Claim to be an expert on any topic, when I post a new thread or reply on any thread my imput is strickly that of a crossdresser. Not to offend Gay people , Transexuals or any other life style, I am only commenting on one of my own.
That is one very sick person!
Alice ... have you at all read any of the posts in the last few pages that discuss the person referred to in the OP? Of course you're entitled to your opinion, but to call him "one very sick person" is rather dismissive, IMO, especially when there are so many others like him, even in this forum.
Reine
Reine,
I take any advise from people as just that... Advice.. It's up to me to act on it and if I do I never hold any lyability to the giver..I joined a Meet Group in Oct 2010, I even went to an event dressed...Prior to that my urge to get out dressed was almost as bad as getting dressed .. Since the one outing I have little or no desires to go out dressed so there are some short term cures as I know that the urge to go out dressed again will soon come back ( its why I remain a member to the group ).. I do not want to hang around other Cders for one simple reason ..When dressed I do not act as a girl I still have a mostly male mind ( found that out when I was out away from my closet Mirror) I have nothing in common other than the pleasure of wearing Femme clothing..
That's why I do not understand the majority of thinking on this forum over Lables.. To me having no lables in like driving in a large city with no street names.. You have Main Streets , Side Streets and dead ends!! I am a dead end with the average way of thinking on this Forum.. The Main Stream rules this Forum and thier way of thinking..That's fine I have learned that in time and have no problem with it.
I do not!! Claim to be an expert on any topic, when I post a new thread or reply on any thread my imput is strickly that of a crossdresser. Not to offend Gay people , Transexuals or any other life style, I am only commenting on one of my own.
As many of you know, I transitioned over 20 years ago. During that time I have had the opportunity to work with many CD/TV/ TG/TS. Not as a therapist or a counselor. More of a big sister you might say. I lend my own experience and knowledge to those that might gain some insight or help from it. I try to point them in the right direction to find the answers they are seeking.
I have just sat here and viewed the website that was linked in the very first post in this thread, stop crossdressing.com and have read the 6 pages of comments that followed. Very interesting ideology. Such a wide view of the topic. That is why I like it here at CD.com we can talk about almost anything. Sure, we have our disagreements because we don't always see eye to eye and sometimes things really get out of hand but that shows passion.
The person that posted the website is not mearly a CD. This person, by their own discription has Transvestic Fetishism . One who dresses for sexual gratification. I believe this person will not be able to stop dressing for any extended length of time. What he seeks when he dresses is sexual release. He wants to quit because it is causing significant distress or impairment, socially, at work, or elsewhere. When cross-dressing occurs for erotic purposes over a period of at least six months and when it causes significant distress or impairment, the behavior is considered a mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
After all the changes that took place during the 70s, a large group was left without a word to describe themselves. Heterosexual males who wear traditionally feminine clothing. This group was not particularly happy with the term
"transvestism". Therefore, the term "cross-dresser" was coined. Self-identified cross-dressers generally do not have fetishistic intentions, but are instead men who wear female clothing and often both admire and imitate women. You see there is a difference.
It would be my hope the the guy that posted stop crossdresing.com will get the professional help needed. He will not be able to do it on his own.
I'm sorry that I was not clear enough with what I said in the quote above. I did not intend to imply that you thought Gender Id was a compulsion, but I did think that the nub of your discussion was what happens to someone who does have a compulsion.Rianna, I'm saying the opposite. Gender dysphoria is most definitely NOT a compulsion.
Rereading my words, I realise that they were capable of the wrong interpretation and for this I apologise.
Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.
This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any
Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist
Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity
Put bluntly, No. Just simply way off the mark of what I was saying.
Lucy,
You are not an outcast and you are not alone. From many posts I have read over time and Reine has also shared about in some of her posts on this thread, there are people on this site who share similar feelings to you. If you have a sexual compulsion, you can see a therapist as Reine suggested. You might also consider a 12 step group for sexual compulsions-there are a few different ones you can find on the web. Even after gaining some control or balance, you may still determine at some point that you have both male and female personality characteristics and if you have obtained some support, you can feel free to choose how to manifest these characteristics. Perhaps dressing from time to time, perhaps not. But hopefully, you will be in a place to choose these and feel more in control, which you do not by your own admission. Good luck.
Crossdressers who would like to discontinue doing so would probably benefit from a support site, much as those of us who enjoy CD'ing appreciate the opportunity to communicate with like-minded individuals. We're all social animals, IMO.
My suggestion to the "stopcrossdressing.com" creator is to consider renaming the site; i.e., "quittingcrossdressing.com", or "quitcrossdressing.com".
I say this because my initial reaction to the site's name evoked thoughts of hostility, and possibly violence, towards crossdressers. Immediately, I was offended and threatened. Yeah, I got incensed; chalk it up to testosterone. You wanna fight? Better pack a lunch, bi-otch!
After following the link to the aforementioned site, I was relieved to discover the site's creator was not advocating eradicating CD'ers from the face of the earth, but, rather, providing an avenue to explore the possibilities of eliminating a behavior they were uncomfortable with for themselves.
So, to each their own. I have no desire to quit crossdressing, as I enjoy it immensely; and, to those who feel compelled to shed themselves of their perceived "affliction', don't throw those clothes away... send them to me!
Last edited by RebeccaLynne; 05-14-2011 at 03:04 AM.
Jorja, I appreciate your reasoned view but I wonder if it is really that clean and simple.
I have read post after post here on cd.com where someone talks about how their CDing started in their early teens (or slightly before) and their dressing mostly/always culminated with a sexual release. Then as they got older the dressing became much less about sexual release and much more about presenting their femme self or comfort or other non-sexual reason. I put myself in this camp, and I self-identify as a crossdresser, 100%
So while some here may cleanly fall 100% on one pole or the other (and stay there), I think also that some of us sit on a continuum between those poles. And, where we sit changes as our journey though life progresses.
Last edited by Taylor186; 05-15-2011 at 10:47 AM.
That is TOO Funny!..... Oh, juss=t masterbate or go for a jog! Thanks for the laugh! So has anyone tried the antidote?
Rachel
From time to time I have seen posts here complaining that they had thought a "support" forum would offer help to quite cross dressing, and they were disappointed to find that this is not what we are about. I think it's great if someone wants to start something that DOES offer those people a place to go. More power to them and I wish them the very best of luck in finding happiness.
The individual who started the Blog on wanting to stop cross-dressing sounds sincere. He's absolutely right in the fact that thinking about or actually dressing takes time away from your "real" life. And, on the money issue? Forgetaboutit! I could have a new car if I'd used every penney I've spent on my little "hobby" over the years---and I don't mean an econony car either, if you know what I mean.
And, as you progress through this "disorder" your dressing becomes more and more complete and yes, many contemplate that it would have been easier to just have been born a genuine woman. The process also isolates one too and does take time away from other more important things. Many books have been written on this subject but no matter if it's an opinion from a novice or a man of letters it's all just speculation because nobody knows why this occurrs and by the way, there "IS" no cure! The smart ones on this site, and there are many, have learned how to deal with their condition to find the best balance in their lives. That is the only way.
He said he's in his mid 20's and has only dressed for 4 years!?!? Sorry, that isn't classical transvestism. It manefests itself during your earliest memories whether you believe so or not. That's the first stage and the first sure sign. I have heard of folks repressing that urge until their 20's or beyond but it's so rare it isn't worth noting.
Classical transvestism, or cross-dressing has occurred throughout recorded time, throughout every known culture and with almost the same incidence (i.e percentage of male population) in every study ever done. Since that is the case, I suspect that the condition by this measure alone is beyond culture or even sociatal mores---it's more a specific facet of human nature, albiet a quirky one.
This guy did seem sincere but he lacks education and he's not old enough, not by a long shot to make as many of the conclusive statements that he has. I'm twice as far down that road as he is and I am a man of "letters." I have read every book and lived most of the experience, felt the guilt, the excitement, the guilt again and then the lonliness and isolation that comes bag and baggage with this "hobby." That's just the way it is.
It was a nice try, and as I mentioned, sincere. But most of you will agree with me that there is no cure---and we all just have to deal with this condition at whatever level we each find ourselves at any given time. Peace-
Shiny
Thank you.This is why the bloggers in the first post want to stop the CDing.
So the next question is, if the CDing becomes this "obsession/problem" for lack of a better word and it does NOT involve gender dysphoria, then what is the difference between it and any number of other sexual and non-sexual obsessions/problems?
I don't think there is any difference, and I think it's a shame to say that if it is the CDing that is causing issues and it does not involve gender dysphoria, then the CDing is OK simply because it's OK to CDress. I mean, it's also OK to enjoy internet porn or play with bondage on the weekends, but not if it takes over your life. So how do most people deal with an activity once it has reached the level of compulsion/addiction/obsession/whatever? Abstinence ... or at least this works with other things, such as gambling, smoking, alcohol, or staying away from certain food triggers if it is overeating, or certain shopping situations if it is the shopping.
The key word is IF the CDing does NOT involve gender dysphoria.
In my opinion, there is no difference between any other fetish and crossdressing if that IS the reason the person crossdresses. (This DOES exclude gender dysphoric reasons for crossdressing) I'm not a psychiatrist so I am definitely not an expert, but from everything I've read there is a split on the preferred treatment, whether it be complete abstinence with 12 step programs like narcotic or alcohol addictions, or if it is preferred to try to control and limit the behavior to a level that is acceptable to the individual. Because crossdressing is considered benign in the fetish realm, (i.e. it isn't criminal behavior) it seems most therapies revolve around limiting the behavior vs. abstaining entirely.
The real question seems to me, is whether crossdressing as a fetish stems from the same route as someone that is TS, or if it really is a fetish no different than someone that enjoys bondage or other fetishes. As we all know the preferred treatment for someone that identifies as TS is NOT focused on stopping the behavior, it is focused on accepting and often times embracing the behavior. This is the part where attempting to abstain from the behavior can be more dangerous, as attempts by a TS to stop can ultimately lead to severe depression and all to often suicide.
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