Question about overcoming the guilt

[Marla GG]

Guilt and shame seem to be part of the baggage that so many crossdressers carry -- the inevitable result of a lifetime spent dealing with the fear of discovery and the burden of being "different" in a society that demands conformity.

My question is for those of you who have been sucessful in overcoming those guilt feelings, or who are currently working on overcoming them. What do you think has helped you the most in your quest for self-acceptance? What would say to others who are still struggling with this?

I have talked with a number of crossdressers who seem to be very much at peace with who they are and what they do. This is truly inspiring for me to see. It has made me wonder whether their stories might have a common theme. For example, have they simply gotten older and more comfortable in their own skin? Were they helped by contact with others and the realization that they were not alone? How many received formal counseling from a therapist? Has the support of an accepting partner made any difference?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and experiences.

[DanaJ]

Marla, good thread - here are my thoughts about me and CDing.....

I have wrestled with guilt feelings through my whole life, all I could think of was that there was something wrong with me. I am a man, dammit! Why did I have these feelings of wanting to look like a girl?

Eventually, I decided I wasn't getting any younger, and I was just going to CD and see where it goes. So, I started CDing more, still really not that much as others maybe, but the occasional time I do it seems to fulfill my needs. I am at peace with myself now and do not have "guilty" feelings for CDing.

As far as what has helped me - well, the internet and especially this forum has helped a lot. Just to know there are others that have these feelings and are accepting helps a lot.

Of course, I feel comfortable now, and have come out to several friends (all GGs) - but I think if I were discovered in some circles (work, family) I would have a real crisis. I am not brave enough yet to be completely out to the world....

[Sherlyn]

The support of an accepting partner has made a huge different ...simply because I can live this side of me with her ...just too talk ...dress....laff ...cry ..and share these things with Kew has helped me accept this side of mealthough Im not all the way there yet ..I still have my lows but the lows now are not a guilt ....they are a lonliness ..as we are apart for the time being.....Yes Marla the age has made a difference too..... with me its like ..this is who.. I am cant change it .. cant rewrite my life ....heck!!!!!! just live it ...Guilt hmmmmm will get back to ya on that....i ve felt it sooo many times ...If we could only build a world to order ...

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

i was 12 and wanted to know how pantyhose felt,, mom caught me and freaked, sent me to shrinks...i didnt feel there was anything wrong with what i was doing but my mom sure did make me feel ashamed and guilty for what i did.......
30 yrs later and a wife who luvs that i dress has helped me to get over it,but i also have been working on changing my own way of thinking to help me,
crossdressing never hurt anyone..

sorry i lost my train of thought again..........

[Jenny Beth]

Good questions Marla. Certainly acceptance and support from my wife and daughter was a huge thing but not the only thing. Joining a support group years ago and meeting others who accepted me as a person helped greatly because it was through them that I aquired the courage to be seen by others as a woman. But way back then I didn't know all the reasons I crossdressed, transgendered was a word I had never even heard of. Books like Peggy Rudd's, My Husband Wears My Clothes helped me and my wife understand for the first time what this was all about. Once I knew the reasons why I crossdressed the guilt and shame I had began to melt away. While I still for the most part have to keep this from family and friends should any of them discover me I know I can deal with it without shame. It's who I am and the way I feel is it's no one's business unless I choose to tell them.

[KatieZ]

I'm just now ,at almost 57, coming out. I haven't told family or friends yet, (although some of them know) but that will come in time. I guess my first boost was an accepting wife. Although we are no longer married, and our seperation was not due to my cding, she gave me a lot of confidence in who I am. But I was still raising a teenage daughter back then and so I still kept it tucked away. I didn't need to confuse with this at an age when she was still figuring out her own sexuality. My daugter is now grown and has 2 kids of her own. So I am alone again and for the last 6 months I have had this growing urge, more of a need, to express myself as I am. At 56 I am seeing life passing by and have come to realize that if I don't start taking steps now I will never experience being truely myself in this lifetime. And what a shame to live a lifetime and never get to be yourself, to truely know yourself. What will it all matter to the rest of the world if you do or do not express yourself. At the very least one more "guy in a dress" out in public will help us all gain acceptance. At the most, all you can take from this world is your experiences, and I for one want to take this part of me on for the rest of my soul journey. Yes it's a scary world as a cder but not as scary as your mind leads you to believe. But staying in the closet is even scarier. Loneliness and misplaced guilt and shame are all that is waitin inside. A completly and full life is only one step outside the door.
Hugs

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Marla, thnx for the question
to all you girls who feel good about xdressing i am so happy for you.
as for me
i'm 43, married 2 kids
i have lots of anxiety issues, took anti anxiety meds for a while, always felt very lonely with the guys ,never ever ever brought it up with anybody in the whole world...

after yrs of sexless marraige, caused by meds then me getting more into xdressing, i told my wife got a therapist and here i am...i really think this will now break up my family as my wife is "out of love, and i can only put up with this for the kids so much longer"

to me , this is so sad because on one hand, who gives a flip about me liking to look at myself dressed as a woman...its a thing, a facet, a part of me...but i am sooo much more than that.. on the other hand, i feel like a liar and a cheat and i married my wife without telling her brought 2 kids into the world and basically ruined my wife's chances for a first time successful family..

as i age, i am finding i am spending more and more time and going further and further down the path of indulging in my crossdressing.

so much more to say, but i'll keep it brief

[RachelDenise]

Age and wisdom aren't always found together, but in my case, the older I have become, the less I worry about my CDing. Although having an understanding partner would help (I don't), I feel that over time I am very comfortable with this aspect of my life. Could it be different? Yes. Could it be better? Definitely! I was quite comfortable with myself before joining this forum, but with the help of all of you, I find I'm willing to extend my boundaries. I find this very exciting and hopeful for the future.

[Dixie Darling]

Marla,

Most of the guilt and shame you speak of is FORCED on crossdressers by an uneducated society which has the habit of wanting to have a neat little pigeon hole to place everything in. Crossdressers, and indeed most all individuals along the transgendered spectrum, don't "FIT" properly into those neat little places. So, through no fault of their own, crossdressers are often erroneously "ostracized" by the members of their own society simply due to the ignorance of that society and it's REFUSAL to learn anything about the transgendered community. It's this attitude by others - especially non-tolerant spouses - that usually causes the guilt feelings.

Most crossdressers, once they learn that there are tens of thousands of others who are just like themselves, begin to realize that they aren't unique, or 'freaks of nature' as they are sometimes referred to. Even in a situation where the spouse isn't supportive/tolerant, the very fact that they KNOW there are others who feel the same emotions inside that they do, there is a lessening of guilt. Obviously the best 'medicine' for overcoming these negative feelings is an understanding SO, but since this isn't always the case, then accepting the fact that one is BORN a crossdresser is easier when one knows that they aren't alone in the world.

So, yes - the statements you made in your post are very valid. Self acceptance is the KEY to overcoming these negative feelings. Contact with, and reassurance from, others such as the members of this forum often provide that reassurance of not being alone in the world, but rather a member of a whole group of people just like yourself.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senortia_cd

[Lindahexi]

Hi Marla,
without a doubt this forum has enabled me to come to terms with, and to accept who and what I am. Yes I've suffered from shame and guilt feelings most of my life about my cross dressing, but the compuslsion to dress was overwhelming, always has been, as far back as I can remember. When I discovered this site , by pure chance, it changed my life for the better, I found friendship and encouragement from like-minded people, I even managed to tell another family member my secret. Now I feel much more at peace with myself, I accept myself for the way I am.

[MonaSmith]

Hiya honey,

Good question/s.

Well I don't have guilt about dressing now, even now in my darker times, guilt is not something that plagues me anymore.

I used to have a lot of problems as a kid, causing disruptions both in my home and school lives, because I didn't know what I was supposed to do, or what I was supoosed to be. I didn't seem to fit in anywhere, and that is pretty tough stuff to deal with when all you want is to fit in with the groups and gangs of school. After being targeted as 'different' by the other kids, I soon worked out what I could and couldn't say and what I should or shouldn't feel. I hid it away, kept it a secret and it ate away at the inside of me, causing guilt and unhappiness. Hitting my teenage years made everything a whole lot worse. Now I was a pervert, seemingly turned on by women's clothes and knowing that I was 'wrong' and 'dirty' for feeling that way. I dressed on and off, feeling elation when dressed and crippling guilt afterwards, but never being able to completely stop or come to terms with my feelings.

The biggest single turning point for me was finding the forum last November. Suddenly I could talk about the way I was feeling and I found that I was not alone, even though intellectually I was always aware of the fact, it wasn't until I was interacting with others that I really started to feel comfortable with who I am. I still had guilt at this point, not so much, but the up and down of dressing was still there to a degree.

The thing that finally cleared me of the guilt was telling people in the 'real' world. My family and friends, my work colleagues, all have been so accepting and supportive of me and the changes that I have made to my life over the past year, that it made me realise that I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I am hurting no-one. I am happier, more productive, at home and at work, have so much more fun, and have so many more, and closer, friendships than I ever had before. What is to feel guilty about?

Wow, I can really yack on when I get going!!!

Mona xxx

[psdibe]

Marla that is a wonderful question. I have been dressing since I was about 6 or 7 I have an aunt who would allow ne to wear panty hose and top and some time a skirt. I dont think she realy know that I wanted to dress fully. I have dressed off and on ever since. i been married for 25 years to a wonderful woman who I told three years ago about my dressing. we are still working through it. I wish I had told her much sooner. she caought me a couple od thimes ove rthe years but I never had the courage to tell he then, bad mistake!.. Now that I am able to share this part of me with the person I love much of the guilt goes away. I still am confused as some one else said I am a man why to I enjoy dressing as a woman? I am not sure it confusion or guilt, maybe some of both. I am becoming more comfotable with dressing, have begun to wear panties every day and panthose and bra or camasole on weekends when I can. I had stockings and a bra on yesterday, no shoes when my wife came home. I asked if she wanted to go to dinner and she said yes. I put on a pair of shoes and we went out. It was truly an enjoyable evening. Still some guilt but a great step forward. I think if you can know that your SO is comfortable with what you ae wearing it goes a long way in helping your feelings. I am still worried that the kids will find out. As I get older I feel less and less concerned and more comfortable. I want to tak to a freind about my dressing , I think this also answers the question if you shae the guilt and worry goes away.

My wife and I attend conceiling which is helping quite a bit. I am planning to visit another counsiler who works with many cd's. I am hoping to get a better unerstanding of who I am, again the more you talk about it the beter you feel.

I guess after all this rambling the guilt and worry goes away when you can share your gift with the person you love, talk about with a friend, have help and direction and most of all start to be honest with your self. AS I get older l these things become easier.

I am not sure I answered your question. Still a bit confused myself, but I truely enjoy my gift.
Hugs PD

[Khriss]

-acceptance- a complicated word...or mindset realy...
where do you find it?...for me ...the search goes on...

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Marla,

Very good thread.For me it has to be joining this site and finding out that I am not a wierdo(well maybe a little).One month after joining I was able to come out to my Psychiatrist and my wife.There is no more hiding,no more scary darkness in the closet where I felt safe but always frightened about being caught.
The most important thing,for me,was learning to accept myself.I have all the girls,past and present to thank for that.

[Julie York]

I suppose the feeling of guilt is when you do something you 'think' is wrong, whether it is stealing, lying, or wearing women's clothes in secret. When I stop thinking it is 'wrong' then I'll stop feeling guilty and rather embarrassed by the whole thing.

But this forum has helped a great deal. Not only has it sort of elevated my thinking out of the 'fetish' aspect, which I thought it was all about really, but it's helped me to simply enjoy a thing that really isn't doing anyone any harm. I get my kicks wearing "weird" clothes in private now and then. So what. They happen to be women's clothes. So ...? No one gets hurt. No-one needs to be told. It's a private amusement and I should be free to enjoy it......so I do. As best I can anyway. It doesn't stop the paranoia about being found out and ridiculed....but at least I am enjoying it more these days.

I also have a secret weapon. Everyone should have one. I have a CD pal and when I say.."I am thinking of buying XYZ".....she just shrugs and says..."Well buy one then", like it is all perfectly normal and what's the big deal a guy wanting a pink mini skirt?. And I think....."Wow........She's right!......Yeah I COULD!"

[Julie]

Marla,

For me the #1 biggest plus in helping me accept who I am would be having a fully supportive woman in my life. That would be immensely beneficial to me accepting who I am. Age does have some effect but, for me, not that much.

I went to a therapist in my early 20's for this and the sessions turned to my relationship with my dad, totally unrelated to crossdressing. That helped me a lot in a general sense and discussing the TG part of me made me understand I needed to accept myself before anyone else is going to accept me. But the effect didn't last. I wonder if I kept going if that would have eventually taken hold permanently.

I went again at the urging of my wife about a year ago and all that did was mess me up. The therapist immediately started talking transitioning and eventually I believed it was the magic bullet, with the urging of my wife. It never helped me at all in dealing with my inhibitions about being TG. If I had to do it over I would never have gone.

Right now I find self help books to be the best thing for me. I believe in the 'garbage in, garbage out' theory so I try make a point of feeding my brain with good stuff. I forget to do it a lot and that's when I find myself getting down. It's kind of like dressing, I have to force myself to do it. Once I get going, I'm glad I did it.

But I'd guess that those who are the most comfortable with being TG are those who grew up in an open minded environment. My parents could never have understood or accepted that I'm TG. To this day my mother rarely talks to me. "I don't understand your lifestyle" she wrote me in an e-mail. She also said she feels terrible she never saw this and that she loves me but I think she's weirded out by the whole thing. I sent her an e-mail explaining in detail who and what I am and she said she couldn't even read it. That's not a good thing when you are trying to deal with society's image of this. If your own parents can't handle this, how can you expect people who don't even know you to handle it?

[Kayla Smith]

Hi Marla,
As for myself, I have only been in self acceptance for a month(after 17 years of trying to hide and deny my gender gift) and at times I find myself slipping back into the “Why me?”/self hate routine but then I remind myself that this was something that I was born with and then I start to feel better about myself again. The other thing that has been a real help to me was finally getting to talk to others that are like me and finding out that I am not the only one, which makes the feeling of loneliness go away. My self acceptance came about due to the one thought of “Why am I wasting so much energy and time with this inner struggle when I could be doing something more productive and positive with my energy and time?” When I could not come to an acceptable answer (that made complete sense) to this question, that is when I came to realize that my second self was not just going to go away and that I was born this way, I decided to accept my gender gift and once I decided to do so, I finally felt at peace with my self for the first time in my life.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Marla,

Without a doubt the one thing that got me over 40 plus years of guilt was confiding in my wife. I always thought I was a freak of nature and that people would hate me if they knew.The problem was that deep down inside I hated myself. I spent 10 years talking to a p-doc, and nothing she said could convince me otherwise.

I finally got to a point where I couldn't sneak around behind my wife's back any longer because I was lying to her by being deceitful, which just added to my guilt. Anyway, long story short, my wife didn't leave me like I thought she would. She told me how much she loved me, and how she could see the real me in her eyes. She taught me how to do my make-up, and took me out dressed for the first time in my life.

Not only have I gotten over my guilt since telling her, I feel so much stronger and confidant in myself. Having this special lady by my side has completely transformed me into a better person. I'm very lucky to have her in my life.

GypsyKaren

[Katiegirl]

I was around 10 when I first started trying on my mothers cloths, guilt didn't come into it but I knew it would course me problems if the family found out.

As I grew older the guilt factor began to show its ugly head, I'm a man, I should not wear women's clothing - then I went through a phase of stopping for a while then returning to the dressing and everytime I started again I felt more guilty.

I eventually married and stopped for a few years then bought some tights and pants and wore them when I could. Eventually I got caught by my wife and all hell let loose and I stopped. My first daughter was born about 2 years later with an incurrible heart defect and for 18 months we fought for her life but it was in vain. During this time the whole family was under considerable stress and as my wife was away with my daughter in hospital the only crutch I had was dressing.

A couple of years after my second daughter was born my wife found some tights I had and over the next few years things went from bad to worse and we finally divorced. During the divorce my Ex made sure all my friends knew about my dressing and many just stopped seeing me.

Over the next 5 years I lived by myself and did varying amounts of dressing but I had bouts of depression over the guilt in doing this.

Eventually I remarried and stopped dressing all together, but the marriage did not work out and we broke up. My mother needed help with my father at that time and it suited me so I returned home for what I thought would be a couple of years, it turned out I became the carer to both of them for the next 10 years. I didn't dress as too much was going on looking after them.

My parents are now dead and for over a year I have lived by myself and although I felt guilty at first when I restarted, but having joined this site last year I don't feel guilty now about dressing but I have not come out to my friends or neighbours. I still get periods of depression but that is from gender identity problems with in me.



Mind of a Woman,Body of a Man, Life is Bitch

[Missy]

for me I had to find out why i felt the quit that i did. other told me that it is wrong to dress like a girl. after long thought about it i ask myself who told them it was wrong and who told them. at one point in time it was ok for men to wear wigs, tights, and in some area skirts (called kilts). so in away a group of people say it is ok for what others do or wear and say if it is right or wrong. when i went deeper in to my self cloths are ok what ever i wear is alright. if this helps great if not it helps me.

Missy

[Helen MC]

I can't say I have ever felt any guilt about crossdressing. It has never harmed anyone and for me it just seemed natural to wear women's panties 24/7 and other female clothing when I feel the need at home on my own.

I have never thrown away my female clothing as some CDs and TVs seem to do every so often, only if something such as a pair of panties is worn out will I dispose to them as I would any male clothing if it was threadbare etc. So the question is for me at least unknown territory.

[Stephanie Brooks]

Guilt.

I don't do guilt.

I figure there are two possible purposes to life: to live or to die. For me, my conclusion is that the proper goal of life is to live. Accordingly, I look at actions and see them a few ways. Actions can be life positive, life neutral, or life negative.

Life positive things are those actions or activities that promote life. Work is certainly one of those in that it supports basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter. Theft, battery and murder are in the category of life negative.

So many activities are life neutral. Choosing whether to wear red or green on any given day is life neutral in most situations.

Crossdressing I see as being life neutral. When I crossdress, I'm doing nothing in particular that's either life positive or life negative. From a philosophcal perspective, crossdressing doesn't matter.

I cannot and will not carry guilt, feel guilt, be guilty for being myself. If I'm doing no harm to anyone, I have no reason to feel guilty about what I'm doing.

[nancy58]

Marla,

For me, the guilt began to dissipate when I came out to my wife, after first trying it out on the psychotherapist who helped us with other issues in our marriage a couple of years into the marriage. I knew beforehand that there were thousands of people like me, but that knowledge didn't help. There are thousands of other people who don't fit into society in other ways and who are unarguably bad people. But coming out and having two people who have good opinions of me accept that I have this side has helped me in accepting it myself. It's yet another manifestation of the advice I've heard, "To love others, you must first love yourself." The same is the case of forgiveness and acceptance.

Nancy

[Phoebe Reece]

Reaching a level of peace with myself over crossdressing goes back a long way with me, but not quite to when it all started. My first memories of crossdressing go back to around the age of 4. At first it was tolerated and even considered somewhat "cute" by my family, as I got a bit older, I was discouraged from doing it and instilled with a feeling that this was something forbidden. Being something "forbidden" probably drove me to experiment with it even more, but only in private.

The urge to take it further was in the back of my mind all through my teenage years, but was not acted on until I met the girl who became my wife. When we got married, she knew I liked to wear pantyhose - because the first pair of pantyhose I ever wore, were hers (this was 1968 and pantyhose were just coming into fashion on a wide scale).

My wife accepted my pantyhose wearing (around the house, under my male clothes, and even to bed) and it satisfied most of my crossdressing desires for a while. I knew I wanted to do more, but really could not admit that to myself, much less to her. Around 1971 or 1972 we had an opportunity to go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and we wanted to be in costume for the day. She suggested I go fully dressed as a girl. I jumped at the chance. We got a few inexpensive clothing items and a cheap wig, I shaved my legs for the first time, my dear wife did my makeup. On Mardi Gras Day I dressed fully for the first time ever and went out in public for the day. It was great.

After we came back from Mardi Gras, I admitted to myself for the first time that dressing fully was something I really had wanted to do for about as long as I could remember and I now needed to find a way to incorporate this into my life. I told my wife about this and, with a bit of discussion, she pretty much accepted it from the beginning. That ended any guilt that I had harbored over the years about crossdressing. Over the years my wife and I have had our ups and downs over it - mostly having to do with how often I would dress or when or how much time or how energy would go into it - but overall she has accepted that it is a part of me and supports it much as a wife would support any other hobby her husband might have.

For me, professional therapy was never needed. My search for other crossdressers began after I had accepted myself. I have never gone through any guilt/purge/do it all again cycles. What made the difference for me was simply the love of a good woman. I have been lucky enough to have that now for almost 37 years.

[Bernadina]

Guilt.

I don't do guilt.

I figure there are two possible purposes to life: to live or to die. For me, my conclusion is that the proper goal of life is to live. Accordingly, I look at actions and see them a few ways. Actions can be life positive, life neutral, or life negative.

Life positive things are those actions or activities that promote life. Work is certainly one of those in that it supports basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter. Theft, battery and murder are in the category of life negative.

So many activities are life neutral. Choosing whether to wear red or green on any given day is life neutral in most situations.

Crossdressing I see as being life neutral. When I crossdress, I'm doing nothing in particular that's either life positive or life negative. From a philosophcal perspective, crossdressing doesn't matter.

I cannot and will not carry guilt, feel guilt, be guilty for being myself. If I'm doing no harm to anyone, I have no reason to feel guilty about what I'm doing.

I have to agree with Stephanie. I don't do guilt either.

Guilt has never been an issue with me and my crossdressing.