Helen's SO Revelation Strategy

[Helen Grandeis]

Had my long awaited session with our family psychologist regarding advisability of revealing to SO. He sees several different possible negative reactions:
1. Your gay.
2. You want me to participate in a lesbian relationship.
3. Helen is going to ####!
4. If you go to #### then I will be alone for all eternity.
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[VioletJourney]

[SIZE="4"]He quotes Freud in saying that happiness can only exist when the inside is the same as the outside.[/SIZE]

I wouldn't make too much of that part. Freud was a quack.

There is an equal total possibility of a acceptable reaction of at least - "I know, I don't like it, Be discrete, Never show me! The Doctor (only one heart) cautions that it will be best to go slow and feel her out. 1 and 2 are demonstrably refutable; however, delving into the true believer depths of her mind regarding 3 and 4 is hard to do.

If you ask any theologian or bible scholar they could tell you that 3 and 4 are refutable as well. The bible verses that deal with crossdressing were never intended to apply to all Christians, just the original Hebrew culture.

[Kate Lynn]

Freud

[Helen Grandeis]

Thank you for your replys
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He was just quoting "Freude" as an amusing side light.

[Helen Grandeis]

After my alter ego's morning workout and shower, I told my SO about the Tria Laser device. She had noticed after more than two months that I had once again shaved my chest and did not like the chest stuble that apparently is worse than facial stuble. I explained that my chest would be smooth and that I wanted to be be smooth. She attributed this to Beauty and the Geek - a reality show where all the geek males got their chests waxed halfway through the episodes. I did not contradict this although I had been shaving my legs almost continually since 2001. She has seemed almost oblivious to my shaving my legs over these past ten years.
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Her reaction to the Tria and the prospect of a bare bodied husband was one of quiet bemused disappointment. I gave a complete explanation of the Tria. I then proceded to spend 30-40 minutes treating my left upper leg (2nd quadrant) in her presence on the master bed. She has blonde arm air and her womanly facial hair is also blonde so the Tria won't work there; however, I will offer to do her underarms in the future.
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She expressed her disappointment by saying that she liked my chest hair and she loves her manly man. My reply was that I am her manly, man and that I loved her - my girly girl.
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Analysis: My Doctor is right. Slow and steady wins the race. I have the following major advances.
1. 30-90 minutes per day of time together that I am not sequestered in Helen's realm.
2. A quiet resigned reaction totally free of anger - though she is not pleased.
3. No comment on using part of my inherritance from my dad to buy the Tria ($500).
4. Pleasant interaction subsequently.
---
Big Hugs for all my Friends
Helen

[JenniferR771]

Good going, Helen. I think I agree, take it slow. But its a big leap from shaving your chest to wearing a bra and a dress. Keep you relationship strong and the shock will not be as bad. She will want to set ground rules after few days of thinking about it--as the reality sets in. Give her support--its not always all about you. Understand her point of view. You will be fine.

[Babeba]

I think you might do well to tell her relatively soon, before doing too many more feminisation things. She might be getting perplexed at all this, and having a clear idea about what the boundaries of what you will be getting to (until she is fully comfortable with things, which could take several years) will probably be simpler for her than a bunch of alarming changes to her manly-man husband she loves with no idea where it is going to. It will also be good for you to talk to her about what will make sure that SHE keeps happy in this marriage; I know it's easy to get carried away and focus on Helen, but your wife is a big part of your life, too. Hopefully you will be able to keep both her and Helen in your life together.

Good luck! And don't forget to let her know she can join us at FAB for support from other SOs!

[Joanagreenleaf]

Your counselor listed only four reactions? What about all the other likely outcomes?

5) You lied to me all along?

6) I'm leaving.

7.) This is not what I want.

8.) It's not "me or her"; it's we get divorced!

9.) etc.

Your current path of hinting about and sneaking about is going to likely be seen as deceit and no matter "how much she loves you" she's going to question who you are... And, who she is... And what's wrong with the picture.

Nothing new here, that I can see. It's all happened before.

You may wind up better off after the breakup due to your current counseling and experimenting, but it's no more likely you and she will be together in the future because it's a very one-sided conversation and deliberately false conversation you're spouting around her.

Seen it before. Not part of a partnership. What you are doing is never just about you; it's about the both of you - and you're not working this issue together.

Stop messing about.

Ask her for help and input with your "interests" before you've gone so far on your own that she can't go with you...

That is what you want, right? Her with you?

[Helen Grandeis]

I did come out to my wife about a week and a half ago. She took it very badly; however there is hope for our staying together. Helen may be no more than a memory. I am working this out in my mind. What has really come out is how much she really loves me. Although, her psychological view is buried in the middle ages. She only screamed at me and pounded her fists on my chest once. She has stopped calling us perverts. Our next therapy session is on July 2. The therapist is very pro Helen, pro dressing. Although the therapist is very well regarded by my wife, the Rhetorical barrier of perversion, my use of willpower and eternal damnation of my soul stops any meaningful discussion.
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Her biggest issue-besides my eternal soul-was the violation of my having worn her clothing. I threw out every thing that was impacted and posted a damaged clothing bond.
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Good luck to all
Helen

[Stephenie S]

Dear Helen,

I so wish I could agree, but I can't. I see NO likely hood of your staying together at all.

You can't give this up. You know this. It won't go away on it's own. It won't go away period. You committed one HUGE sin. You wore her clothes. That is such a no-no. I too would throw away anything of mine that you wore. Money is not gonna get you out of that one. Then there is this eternal soul thing. It's pretty unlikely you will lose your eternal soul over what you wear, or what ends up between your legs. God is interested in what's in your heart, not what you wear or what gender you are. I suspect that your eternal soul is safe.

But this is not your wife's view at all. She has been prety clear about what she wants. She wants her MAN. Her man, please. That's what she wants. It's hard to blame her, right? That's who she married. That's who she planned to live out her life with. Her man. Since that's not what you have in mind at all, you guys should start planning a separation while you are still talking to each other.

Actually, I suspect that it's her future together with you that she is really worried about rather than your eternal damnation. The picture of the two of you, after retirement, running hand in hand down the long Caribbean beach together into the sunset. That's what has gone forever. It's gone. It will never happen now, and she knows it.

Say goodbye, dear, and get on with your life.

Stephie

[Helen Grandeis]

Thank-you, Stephanie, for your reply. Its a little more complicated than that. She needs to get the mental image (never saw Helen) of me in a dress out of her head.
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Actually I was planning an almost total surrender and a 95% purge. I will try to be clearer when I get some time. I am so relieved by the reveal. The weight off my shoulders is incredible. Inspite of her calling me a pervert, I have been touched by her profound love for me.
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But then I actually read what you said.... As much fun as Helen has had being out and about, Helen's alter ego likes his life too! He likes girls. I had reached a cross roads in my life. I was unable to go further in my dressed adventures without telling my wife. Simultaneously, every other aspect of my life was at risk-for what-so I can pretend I am a girl?
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Somewhere is an Helen MDA. It is yet to be seen whether I can salvage this MDA out of whatever ultimatum. There are plenty of CDs who live in an world of MDA rather than opulent CD indulgence. These people never get out.
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My wife either loves me enough to get past this or she is terrified of being 63 years old and in uncertain health alone. Maybe you're right and we are doomed.

It is not a good place. But it is not a hopeless place either.

[Mandy Marie]

Wishing you strength and understanding in what must be a very difficult time.

Mandy Marie

[Helen Grandeis]

There was a Star Trek TNG episode where an omnipotent being had masqueraded as a human for 80 years. He took a human wife - he loved her dearly! When the evil, mortal aliens attacked, she joined the resistance despite his unsubstantiated assurances that she would be okay with him. She was killed.
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So great was his rage that with his full power he reached out and killed every meber of this alien race, no matter where in the galaxy they were. A total of 56 billion souls.
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Such is the level of my wife's rage with my dressing.
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Earlier today we had the third counseling session (my reveal was at session 1). I actually thought we had a framework that I could live with; however, it was just a case that she had not listened to what I said in session 2. Her response was that I had not listened to her in session 1.
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Her position is that there may not be any crossdressing of any kind in my life. This applies to all places I might be. I must not own any womens clothing nor may I espouse the opinion that I am a crossdresser.
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You see it is all a matter of choice

[Sue101]

Helen

I cringed when I read your posts. It is a hard enough battle to fight when your wife is a rational person but when she believes you are going to hell then you are literally doomed. For her to, in any shape of form, accept or tolerate your crosdressing would be a sin on her part. Her salvation is to save you from hell. Not only will she never accept your dressing but she will endeavour to convince you to see the errors of your ways and to give up entirely.

Sorry to be so gloomy but I think you did this for the wrong reasons ie to take the weight off your shoulders and unburden your secret but doing so has placed an impossible burden on her due to her beliefs. At her age she may decide to stick around but she will never love you the same way again.

[Inna]

Helen baby, I too read and cringed while your story unfolded in front of my reading eyes. I am no stranger to loss of love I once considered such but learned that what we often call love is just a comfortable compatibility balanced on a thin wire.

Selfishness as we understand is bad and being selfless we tend to elevate to the highest degree making sacrifices in the name of such "unfulfilled love"

I have been to the edge of this world, I stared abyss in the eye, feeling I shall never forget of finality and calm that came with it. But it wasn't mine to take, images of my beautiful son kept on projecting in my head as I stood there ready to go. The love I felt from this little boy was so tremendous that I knew then that he has told me "don't go"

Since then I have revealed my bit more shocking revelation of being a Transsexual to the whole world and lost the once thought to be loving to the darkness of guilt and sorrow. But then I have experienced love I could not believe existed. Immaculate, unconditional love through which all that stood by me, through the valley of death, took me as I am, the soul of a woman and body of man.

To love one another, we must first be selfish enough to allow love to penetrate our darkened hearts. Through truth, absolute truth, the possibility of love is inevitable but pain follows every step of the way as crust of guilt and regret falls to the ground allowing the true self to shine through for the first time.

You must be able to let your wife go, and she must do the same if she truly want to save you. But if she wants to keep you in line to protect from eternal damnation, in fact she shall condemn you to just that by stifling and killing your soul in the process. She thinks she is doing gods work, LET GOD BE GOD and LOVE BE LOVE, unconditional and immaculate.

I give you all the love which flows through my meager soul, I am not an owner but simple vessel through which I pray such love shall keep on flowing, and hope and pray that you and your wife will see the light of truth, there is only one truth, and deep in your hearts you know of it.

[Helen Grandeis]

My SO and I drove to the CD-TG monthly meeting and I unloaded the whole of my existence as Helen. It was nice to see everyone there mostly en drab. The drive up and back was exceptionally pleasant and there was no gloating. My wife's love for me is able to shine through her unfortunate disgust for my cross-dressing.
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Only my Avatar remains safe. I was clear that I did not want to talk about CD with her since once we pierce the dermis and epidermis of her civility - she really doesn't want to talk or hear about it. She tried to compare CD with alcoholism and I pushed back hard. I have solidly maintained that I have done nothing morally or religiously wrong and my only crime (besides the secret itself and wearing her clothes!!!) was doing something that she found revolting. I am willing to devote myself to the principle of a life where she sees no evidence of CD. I will miss the public excursions (another casualty). However, she has unknowingly left me a tiny sliver of existence as Helen that will serve as a minimum daily or weekly allowance. I also have a great CD friendly mental health professional to talk to as needed.
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There are some happy patawans in the furniture city tonight. CD.com is still not on her radar and even if it is it is not negotiable. I appreciate all your friendship and support - particularly the sisters in the furniture city.
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Many Hugs
Helen
Returning to Stasis
Until the next ZPM changeout.

[Sara Jessica]

Your tale reads kind of like a "what not to do" when it comes to coming out to a spouse...and then what not to do when presented with an ultimatum.

I'm thinking you'll last somewhere between 3 days and 3 months. Best of luck to ya.

[GG Kathy]

Helen i am so sorry that your SO is not supportive. I hope you can both find happiness and hopefully in time she will see that you love her, and remeber she fell in love with a person not a gender.

[Torrey]

Helen-

My heart goes out to you. From what I have read & slightly experienced, purges only come back stronger. Mine lasted almost twenty years. I don't have any sage advice, though I wish i did. I can only say I feel for your situation. I'm glad my SO found out in her own way, because I don't know if I could have told her. It sounds as though you are keeping your head up, at the very least, and that is good. Be true to yourself.

Hugs,
Torrey

[ReineD]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, Helen.

I won't be so presumptuous as to suggest leaving your marriage, or staying. You and your wife are the only persons who can determine what is best, but I do wish you both the best possible outcome.

[Eryn]

I am so sorry to read your story. Mistakes were made on both sides but the sad thing in my perception is that your wife loves you less than she loves that book that tells her that CDing will lead to H***. Ultimatums are not the stuff of a successful marriage.

[kimdl93]

Also very sorry to read your story. What a difficult journey you have been on!

You, of course, have to make your own choices and adjust as well as you can to the situation at hand. I wish you te best.

For the rest of us, and particularly those new to relationships - the lesson is come out early and completely. Its so difficult and sometimes impossible for some partners to accept, while others can. The key is to give your SO the choice early, so that if its not for her, each of you can pursue other options.

[JenniferR771]

So good to finally meet you in person, Helen(brief). Your situation engenders anguish, hurt and frustration on both sides. However, be patient. You love her and she loves you. The shock will wear off. You are the same wonderful person she married. And it is perfectly natural to hide something from a person who may react with intolerance. It took a lot of courage and honesty to reveal the facts. You did because you trusted her integrity. Give it time.

So what if I had to look up ZPM and padawan on Google--I am trying to understand.

Rhonda and others appreciated some new additions to their closets.

[Inna]

There is a saying I grew found of "truth will set you free" but what's not said is that truth will set everyone around you, free, as long as they will choose to follow the truth. I so sincerely hope your wife sees the wisdom and beauty in your reveal. Your world despite the set back just become more beautiful because truth was spoken, but as I found out only too true, pain always follows, it is a inevitable aftershock of truth, as though it reminds us to keep the truth in our hearts at all times to avoid pain. Isn't this divine design "awesome"

[GingerLeigh]

I have been thinking of telling my SO recently. I've always been a proponent for not telling. I felt that "ignorance is bliss" applied and I still think that. I felt I was the only one to gain anything if I told her. I'd unload my guilt onto her, and now she would shoulder that burden. How selfish of me, no? However, my current physical well being is undermined by my mental health due to anxiety and guilt. My unraveling has been rather public and embarrassing. In essence, keeping this secret is slowly killing me and I need to act before I either have a bloody stroke, or go to pieces completely. I need to see a therapist, but I cannot do it incognito. I need my wife on board for that. It now has gone from "taking it to my grave" to "taking it to an early grave". So what's better? Dead and manly, or alive and deemed unfit to be a man? I'm not sure what to make of your story of coming out. I certainly didn't see it as a success story. Frankly it scares me, but I need to see the good and bad. This will be the toughest decision I will ever make so I don't take it lightly. I'm scared out of my mind. Your story scares me, and I wish the two of you the best of luck! I hope everything turns out for the better. I'm sure eventually it will. I hope.

Ginger