I need some help

[Donniesr]

Tonight I was invited to a pre-graduation party for my grand daughter. All the usual family was there, as well as the usual friends. I had just gotten my ears pierced earlier today, and had in my fav.. earrings. Needless to say, at 57, I got ribbed a bit, but i was ok with all that.
My daughter in law thought it was kinda cute, but my son was a little butt hurt about the whole thing. oh well, i think he will get over it...
What hurts and I need help with is my ex, and grand-daughter. My granddaughter didn't see me tonight, but my ex told me that at the ceremony,,I was welcome but my earrings were not.
I don't know whether to go to the graduation(earrings and all), and f*** my ex.. or to strip the earrings, and go,, or to not go at all...
I think my grand daughter would understand the earrings.(maybe not a dress, but thats another story), but I don't know for sure..giving her upbringings..
I would really like some input on this..even some pm's..I need some help before I do something stupid......Donna

[Karren H]

Personally I think its not about you tonight but its your grand-daughters night to shine and any drama you bring will impact her. Loose the earnings and let her have her day... Imho.

[wadevikingfan]

that is a tough one...but this graduation is all about your grand daughter...and not you...i would say this one time you could take out the earrrings and go...your grandaughter would want you to come for sure....

wendy

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Donna

You know the family much better than anyone here.

I would be inclined to go without the earrings for the party If your grandaughter ask you can always explain.

[lavistaa62]

It sounds more like a power play by your ex. What right does she have to speak for your granddaughter?

[Emily Ann Brown]

Next week I go to spend time with my son and grandkids.....I will remove the studs on Thursday morning so the holes will not be as noticable on Saturday. I will did it so my choice does not get in the way of my relationships. They know about Em, but I know they don't want to see.

You know what the right thing to do is....so do it!


Em

[Miranda09]

I would agree with Karen on this Donna. This is your grand daughter's special night. Don't bring the ear rings. One night won't matter. Just go and enjoy the night with your family.

[boardpuppy]

How bad do yiou want to see your grand graduate and have wonderful memories of this night. Do what you have to do and remember there are always tomarrows for you and maybe, just maybe your grand will come to understand you better.

[Donniesr]

Its not about the earrings, I can and probably will go without them, its just that the ex told me I wouldn't be welcome if I had them on..thats what pisses me off. I understand that this is me grand daughters night to shine, and I won't do anything to hamper that, and I guess you are all right,, F888 the ex,, let the girl have her night. whats between me and the ex can be dealt with later...Thanks all...Donna

[BRANDYJ]

If you take the earrings out having just had them done, won't the holes close up? I don't have my ears pierced, so I am asking those that might know. But even if they do, I tend to agree with those that say leave the earrings out just to keep piece at the event. However, I do wonder...Is your ex the only one that will be there that knows you are a CD? If so, I think that more and more men have their ears pierced now a days and it will not out you. But then again, at my age or yours, I still wonder what impact it would be wiht friends and coworkers if I showed up with my ears pierced.

[Cynthia Anne]

Lose the earrings girl! This is a once in a life time event! It can not be repeated! Put your grand daughter first! Hugs!

[Danni Renee]

I think you should go with the earrings out, but take them with you. I see your point - you believe your ex said something that is not true. But you do not know for sure so tread carefully. I would delicately approach your granddaughter and tell her you wish you could have shown her your new earrings. If she responds positively, then your instict about your ex is probably right - at which point you can put them in and make sure you strut by her to show them off. If your instict is wrong and your granddaughter is not comfortable, then you did the right thing by not wearing them.

[Daphne Renee]

I can understand why you are so upset. She is your ex. I dont see any reason she should speak to you that way. You will have to figure out what you think is best for your grand daughter. If you think its best for her for you to leave them out then do so for her. Either way you should go to the graduation.

[Amy Lynn3]

Take the rings out until the event is over and then put them in just long enough to say goodby to the ex, but don't let anyone else see you. The devil made me say that, but do as Karren said.

[Julogden]

I don't know what kind of earrings we're talking about, but if they're something rather unobtrusive, like small, unisex studs, I'd wear them and not worry. If we're talking something distinctly feminine, then I'd switch them for unisex studs if possible. If that isn't feasible, then take them out and let the piercings close, you can re-pierce them later.

While your granddaughter may not care, it sounds like your ex is looking to make a scene over the earrings, so be the bigger person and don't make a scene on your granddaughter's graduation day.

Carol

[daviolin]

Personally I think its not about you tonight but its your grand-daughters night to shine and any drama you bring will impact her. Loose the earnings and let her have her day... Imho.

I think Karen hit the nail on the head. Its your Grand Daughters night. You got plenty of times to express yourself. Enjoy the family. Daviolin

[Claire Cook]

Its not about the earrings, I can and probably will go without them, its just that the ex told me I wouldn't be welcome if I had them on..thats what pisses me off. I understand that this is me grand daughters night to shine, and I won't do anything to hamper that, and I guess you are all right,, F888 the ex,, let the girl have her night. whats between me and the ex can be dealt with later...Thanks all...Donna

Like Karren said, this is your grand daughter's day and if you want to enjoy it with her, then pass on the earrings. Sounds like any scene your ex / others may make would just not make the day. You've got the rest of your life to enjoy those earrings!

[Chickhe]

Would you change your shoes or wear a different tie if your ex didn't like it? If the ear rings suit your male image then their should be no issue. No one is going to even notice and if they do they will not say anything. Personally, I would wear them and make sure your ex sees them...she needs to learn she can't control you. You should wear them and ignore them...meaning forget they are there. If anyone points them out, you just just say... 'I always wanted to get some...I think its cool' and leave it at that...shrug your shoulders and move to a different topic. If your ex is a hothead and will make a big deal in public then if she does, you just stay quiet let her spew and smile and ignore her. The only one it will disturb is your ex...and thats her problem.

[eluuzion]

hiya D,

I just went to my daughter's graduation ceremony yesterday morning. It was 8am outside in the football stadium. 800+graduates. I am the lone ranger here. No family but my daughter. Ex was there with about 8 other members of her family. The usual drill. I sit with them and always have to keep things as normal as possible for my daughter. (Been doing this shared parenting 16 years now.)

I have paid for everything 3 times, compensated for my selfish ex's negligence and lack of parenting skills, and basically just filled in the holes my ex created over the years. I just did it for my daughter. it is difficult to be kind to people you would probably run over if they walked in front of your car...lol. But I do it for my daughter, and it does pay off (for her).

So, the ceremony was sitting on a bleacher seat until they finally called my daughter's name. I took the pics and did the video. 10 minutes later, I was in the car on the way home...an hour before the ceremony ended...nobody knew the difference. You just sit, wait and leave. There is no participation. and you never see your kid...they are so pumped up they head for the parties asap!

Now the party on Monday at my ex's will be a different story...lol But I trained all of them years ago. (I can't sit still long enough to see an entire movie in a theater...they are used to it.) My max is about 30 minutes, and everybody just expects me to be out of there...they are used to it now...so is my daughter...nothing negative...they know it is just me...

Am I good at this stuff or what...

If there is any chance of the earrings causing any issue at all at the event/party or whatever, I would not wear them. It is hard to let your ex appear to "win" or "control" you in some "mental battle of the minute" ego wrestling match.

But it is all about the kids (for me). I have taken some serious exploiting and nonsense from my ex over the years, and covered it for my daughter's emotional stability. It is a small price to pay in my mind...

I know that I am capable of squashing my ex like a bug...financially, or socially any time I would want to...but what would that accomplish? Nothing good for my daughter. I just let the ex think she is fooling me...when she is only fooling herself. I just remember how lucky I feel to have escaped a lifetime of nonsense with her ...lol

good luck!

[Kelly DeWinter]

Donniesr,

I had almost the exact situation. I thought long and ard about it. And resolved it this way.
. My ex is my ex. She no longer has a say in anything I do or say or feel or want.
. I wear errings because I want to wear them, I will be wearing them in the future, so everyone will have to get used to it.
. Grandkids most likely will never play a part in your life except in family situations where your only role will be to buy a gift.
. YOU have to be who you are.
So take a deep breath and go and have a good time.

[ReineD]

Teenagers get embarrassed by the silliest things and unfortunately the way their family "looks" is high on the list.

I've got mixed feelings about your dilemna. First, your granddaughter needs to learn that how her family looks is not a reflection of who she is, and it might also not hurt to have her develop a tolerance for other people's choices that may be different than her expectations. I do have a question about your earrings. Were they the innocuous metal studs, or were they the more elaborate feminine earrings? Many men have pierced ears and it is not unusual to see a man wearing unobtrusive studs.

On the other hand, it is your granddaughter's evening and such an occasion may not be the best time to help her along with valuable life lessons. But, it could be that she made an off comment to your ex wife, like "What's up with grandpa's earrings", and your ex blew it out of proportion and now you get the message that your granddaughter was deeply embarrassed. You could just give your granddaughter a call and ask if she was embarrassed by your earrings, and then ask her if she wishes you to leave them home. She may well giggle and say that it's no big deal.

Just one last question ... if your granddaughter didn't see your earrings, how could she object? In other words, is it her idea that you should leave them at home, or your ex's?

[AllieSF]

I am on the side that you should wear your earrings as you wish. I am also assuming that they are the studs put in when you got your ears pierced since you said it was just today and not fancy girly dangling ones. The last thing you want to do is to remove the earrings now. It will be very difficult to put them back in. When I got my ears pierced at age 60, my daughter did not like them at all and probably still doesn't, and my son didn't either, though he didn't tell me that at first. However, my granddaughter and grandson thought that they were cool. As said above very clearly, your ex is your ex, period. Your ear piercing will only be a minor blip in the conversation, unless your ex explodes, and that to me, is her problem as others will see how unrealistic and selfish she is. Your granddaughter may show mom how to act like an adult and get on to the more important topic for the evening, her celebration. Go for it.

[Tanya C]

You know, graduation is one of those milestones that signifies the passing from childhood into adulthood. Part of becoming an adult is learning to accept the differences in people, and that applies to us TGs as well. By the time a person graduates from high school they should have developed an understanding that we TGs have the right to exist in this world just like anyone else, and the idea that we should be expected to hide who we are in order to avoid an uncomfortable situation is akin to asking someone of a certain ethnicity or religion to keep it under wraps because a handful of people couldn't deal with it.
We're talking about a pair of earrings, an appropriate femine affectation considering the nature of the event. If you were planning to show up fully dressed then I could see how that would be a bit of a distraction, but a discrete item like this should not be a problem.

[Eryn]

For this particular event take the earrings out to prevent your ex's ruining the graduate's evening by making a scene.

The next occasion where you see the graduate, wear them proudly.

[Diane Smith]

The only person whose opinion really matters is the granddaughter's, and from the original message, I get no sense that she herself has actually weighed in on the issue. It is just the ex interpreting how she thinks the granddaughter may feel about it (and probably projecting more of her own opinion and long-held frustrations onto the situation than anything else).

Since taking the earrings out at this early stage in healing might be a real setback for you, I'd vote to leave them in, assuming they're discreet and not overly feminine. If they were already well healed I might say to take them out, but then again, by that time most people in your life would probably have already seen them and registered their comments with you, so you'd have a better idea about how to handle it.

Frankly, a pair of ear studs is a pretty tiny thing for anybody to get bent out of shape about one way or the other. There are more serious underlying family and control issues at work here, and your effort should really be to confront and deal with those. The little bits of metal are just a visible symbol to hang the other conflicts on.

- Diane