I wouldn't meet another CD or a GG if my SO was uncomfortable with it.
I wouldn't meet another CD or a GG if my SO was uncomfortable with it.
Would you go ahead and meet another CD that lived near you even if your SO was uncomfortable with the idea?
Anonymous,
The answer to this question is not something we can really answer for you. You have to ask yourself why exactly you are uncomfortable with the idea. As a CD married to a wonderfully supportive SO i would have to ask why my wife was uncomfortable with me going in the first place, there must be some kind of dialog going as to why she feels that way. All fears and uncertainty are valid, no matter how big or small....find the reason for the fear and work past it with respect for one another.
Communication is key here because both of you need to be able to express your concerns and expectations of the meeting. Why your CD wants to go and why you feel uncomfortable with the situation.
All in all....if the two of you communicate about this in a way to help to understand each others emotions, it will not matter whether or not your CD does go, because the two of you will have become stronger as a couple.
Keep Communicating,
-Donni-
I'm in a DADT relationship with my wife. I am also a in-home cross dresser. I would love to have her be more accepting of me as a CDer. The first hurdle for me is to dress in front of her without her being edgy or blatantly hostile. I'm sure she has fear that my cross dressing would become known to family, friends or neighbors. So, I would NOT venture forth and meet another individual CDer while en femme. I think such an encounter needs to have the approval of the SO because it involves boundaries. I am not a person who is an 'in your face' guy, who will do whatever I feel like. I do NOT do that in any activity. I do meet once a month or so with a GG on matters totally unrelated to CDing. We have coffee. My wife has met her and knows she is a friend with a common interest.
If I did have the desire to go out en femme and actually meet other CDers, I would seek her approval. I would not meet a CDer en femme on a one on one encounter. I would love to meet other cross dressers. If I could muster the courage I would love to meet CDers in a group encounter at a convention. For years I thought of attending the annual convention like the one held at Port Angeles, WA (ESPRIT). Even then I would seek the approval of my wife.
The last thing I would ever want to do is cause embarrassment to my wife, whether it was CDing activity or some other activity.
My partner is bi, I'm not, so there is more reason for me to object her to go out with the girls..
She's been out before with gg's I know shes had a 'crush' on...
Do I feel nervous? Heck yes, do I object, heck no!
I trust her with my money, I trust her with everything thats prescious to me, why would I not trust her with herself, my most prescious?
No trust, no relationship... imho...
I..
Missdonni hit the nail on the head.
I must ask though. To those that seem to have the knee jerk reaction of "I would not do what my made my SO uncomfortable". Why? Why would you not do it? What if it was not something related to your CDing. What if your SO was uncomfortable about you riding a motorcycle if you owned one. What if they were uncomfortable about you going to a baseball game, I mean after all there was a severe beating that made national news that took place at such an event. What if the SO was concerned for your safety attending an auto race where it is not uncommon for someone to get smashed by a piece of a racer that crashes.
Here is something else. It is my understanding that long ago (victorian era) wives were not really allowed to leave the house without their husband. This was due to the man's fear that the woman would do something that could shame him. This was especially common in well to do families. Is an SO limiting their SO in the way suggested in the Opening post no different than that?
I had a friend give up his Beechcraft Bonanza because his SO was uncomfortable with his flying it. In the end he ended up without the plane and the SO.
Oh, and pardon my ignorance, but, what is a DADT relationship?
When I make reference to the "gilded cage" I am not mincing words. Someone being controlled either by guilt or ultimatum is living in a gilded cage, and that to me is a very unhealthy relationship.
"I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
Tree beard. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.
Given the SO simply said she was uncomfortable, and didn't say "No", I think I would have to discuss it with her to see why she was uncomfortable. Does she have valid fears? Sometimes I've told my wife that I'd like to do something, and she's expressed discomfort about how risky it was, and in turn convinced me that it was a bad idea in the first place. Can I allay her fears? If not, but she likewise couldn't get me to see inherent risks in the activity, I think it would come down to the circumstances. Have I been able to meet other CDers whether or not in groups or individually? If not, then I think I would go, but take precautions (meet in a public place, be in drab, etc.). Meeting others who share similar stories can help us to better accept ourselves, which in the end makes us better partners. If instead I have other outlets for my CD expression, then I think not going would be better overall for the relationship. I have also often canceled plans to go out to a TG meeting when my wife wasn't feeling up to getting the kids to bed by herself that evening.
No I would not go. I would not want to destroy her trust in me and her support.
JenniferS
I would not do something that my SO felt uncomfortable with, no matter what the circumstances. Why not invite her to come along to meet your friends?
Something happens and I'm head over heels.
I suspect that I am with Missdonni on this too. I would want to know why she was uncomfortable, and this would also tie into why I was wanting to meet up. For me I would only be meeting up to share experiences, issues etc.. a face-to-face version of this site. If the reason for meeting was clarified and she was still uncomfortable again, I would want to dig into what was behind it. If for me it was all innocent and non-problematical, i.e. it wouldn't hurt/change things I would probably then go ahead regardless and tell her afterwards how it went so she could share how straightforward it was.
At the end of the day we are not monsters (well none that I know of!).. if somebody I knew's SO had a problem with them meeting up with me I would feel pretty crap and probably socially abused.. unless they knew me and genuinely didn't like me!
I treat everyone on their own merits and without prejudice... I find that it makes for a better world.
Kaz xx
__________________________________________________ ____________
This Woman Within is Flying without Wings
Yes. There's not much of this that my wife is really comfortable with, and she realizes that her discomfort can't be the sole factor determining what I get to do. If she's more than just uncomfortable--if she's anxious, worried, stressed, going nuts--then she has the right to say 'no'. Of course, sometimes she stops short of saying 'no' to something, and I realize that she'd really like to say 'no', but is right on the edge with it and not sure that she should. If it's not something that I feel like I have to do, then I just take it as 'no'. That's 25 yrs of experience combined with a determination to make it through another 25 yrs. If you've stopped short of saying 'no', though, and you're expecting him to read your mind, don't. Just tell him that it's causing you intense anxiety, and you would really love it if he wouldn't do that. If he's any kind of a woman, he'll understand.Would you go ahead and meet another CD that lived near you even if your SO was uncomfortable with the idea?
No, I value, respect and trust my wife's opinion and judgement too much to ignore her feelings.
I think I need to establish a mind-set here as the basis for the rest: I never go out of the house without asking my wife to be with me. If I have a social engagement, even a semi-work engagement, I would prefer the company of my wife (if my work colleague is uncomfortable with discussing work issues in the presence of my wife, then I explain that and reluctantly go alone, but for as short of a time as I can allot to the meeting). Likewise, my wife only goes out with a girlfriend without me for the comfort of that girlfriend's conversation, and many times we all go out together.
Thus, if I were setting up a meeting with another CD, it would have been my wife that I asked to go with me first, before asking the other CD. If they were asking, my response would be, "I'll see if my wife is free". This would be true regardless of the gender, or gender presentation of the other person.
Ok...so much for the introduction. My direct answer to the question is that is it not reasonable to expect understanding from a male partner by telling that partner simply, "I'm uncomfortable with that" (whatever the "that" is). There should always be an explanation of the source of the lack of comfort, and it could be as simple as "I'm uncomfortable that you aren't asking me to go with you".
On the other hand, if your husband is truly embracing his feminine side, the word "uncomfortable" should be a red flag to continue the conversation. I would immediately assume that the word "uncomfortable" means "I want to discuss this a lot". It's also likely that you want to discuss it with him in male mode. Have I guessed correctly? If I am right, it might be useful to explain to him the meaning and the implications of "uncomfortable" and how another woman would have interpreted your meaning
But, I would suggest that you don't assume he understands what you mean. We who are socialized from boys to men have a very different interpretation of some words, and it takes us a while to learn how to change that thinking.
tina
Last edited by suchacutie; 06-03-2011 at 04:18 PM.
DITTO....Originally Posted by Pythos
Mostly you two have to decide what is acceptable. If he wants anything other than to meet and have a friendship then it is a no no.
The uncomfortable part implies that she would think maybe more than just friendship is in the cards, so probably not. I would hold back for awhile and then somehow try and show it was just a friendship and there was no worry about "other things".
I haven't had this scenario yet, as stated earlier we didn't have to have the same circle of friends but usually her friends became mine and vice versa
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
Unless there was a really good argument put forward by my wife I probably would meet up. I am happy to say that I have met several other CDers in person with my wifes knowledge. The most recent time was on the weekend which is strictly non CD time (my own rule). I was umming and erring but my wife just smiled and said "I know you want to, so just go for a couple of hours". Very cool
Could not imaging this being expressed any better, my thoughts exactly Kimberly.
Hi Pythos, DADT is don't ask / don't tell!
Tash
I have some questions for the Anonymous GG. Why are you or whomever uncomfortable with the meeting? Are there issues involving trust between the two of you? Do you know the person your SO is meeting and have real concerns about their character? Do you have an intuitive feeling that something is amiss? Don't take these questions as a negative direction. We all have feelings and we need to pay attention to them.
If my wife had concerns about anything I wanted to do, I would certainly respect her feelings enough to ask why. Maybe she noticed something that I had missed. If it truly bothered her, then I need to ask myself if it was really worth pursuing. Maybe I hadn't fully explained my reasons or intentions. If she fully understood me and was still uncomfortable, I would not add to her anguish and go through with it.
For the record, my wife has encouraged me to meet and visit with other CDs. There is a lot of trust in our relationship and I have no intentions of ruining that.
Babette
Someone else's imagination is a terrible thing to waste.
I thought I should add that my wife would be invited to go with me. I think that is a most important symbol if nothing else. MY wife knows that she is welcome to join me in all things that I do. This is important because it tells her that she is welcome to be a part of it, and it tells her that I am doing nothing that she or I would be ashamed of. My wife has made it clear that she really doesn't care to join me in anything TG related, but I still offer, and I still invite, and she still knows that she is welcome in all that I do.
I think that the moment you say "I'm off to do this or that" and then you make it clear that your wife is not welcome to join you, this leaves room for concern in her mind.
I am not in a relationship so have no vested interest in someone that I would want to keep on solid footing. Since I also dress to go out and I go out a lot, I know that I could never become a closet dresser. So, taking that into consideration, if my new SO said that she was uncomfortable with me going out dressed to meet another TG, I would ask for clarifications, and unless there was something super serious, I would thank her for her concern and go. She would have already known about my need to go out dressed. I would have no problem asking her along. However, if the person I am meeting would feel uncomfortable with her presence, I would tell my SO that and go alone.
I will have to agree with the others that they would need more of a valid reason than just she is uncomfortable with it.
If I thought the reasons were valid then I probably would not go. However I dont choose her friends and dont want her to choose mine.
New facebook page feel free to add me as a friend. http://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn...00003349942987
May I say, it is no wonder that this frame of thought is why you have a devoted, loving, successfull partnership.
Your care, concern and consideration of your wife is lovely.
[SIZE="4"]Momarie[/SIZE]
If my wife says no... I don't do it...
What if she just said "I'm uncomfortable with that?" Do you translate that as 'no', or do you expect her to actually say no?
If I had a girlfriend or wife (she would know of, and accept my more creative side if she were to have those titles), she would most definitely be invited along. Hell I would be sure to invite her along. If she clearly does not like something I do with other guys (such as wrenching on a plane, car, or boat) then I would not limit myself from those activities. I would be sure to invite her however.
I hope one day I can put all this stuff I spout to the test. LOL
"I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
Tree beard. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.
While out in Vegas the last time I had set up a time to go out and do a photo shoot and my SO was planning on going along but a couple hours before we were to meet for the pictures, she felt uncomfortable. She could not put her finger on what it was but we did cancel the photo session and their were no problems. Now days you just never know. Many treads on here always tell us to be careful, so be careful.
I am not allowed any friends, regardless of gender/orientation unless I meet them thru her friends, so as a result, I have none--My original friends no longer even call because she rants and raves for me to get off the phone and even picks up the other extension to eavsdrop. I no longer even speak with my dad because I was essentially forced into choosing between her and him. Oh yah, there is also the veiled yet very real threat to out me as a CD if I don't play along. Life in the cage sucks. Thanks for the space to vent.
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