Accepting Wives

[Paula_56]

Like many of you girls out there I constantly struggle to gain my wife’s acceptance. It seems you either have a wife that embraces this lifestyle or not. My question is to girls with accepting wives, why do you think your wife is so accepting? I’d also like to hear what levels of acceptance are out there. How often do you dress? Do you dress together? Are you full time? Any funny anecdotes or stories related to you CDing.

[Mandy]

[SIZE="4"]I suppose in one way Paula at least she knows about your other side where some live that risk of lying or been found out & when it does happen things tend to get out of hand
My longterm gf knows about my other side but isnt comfortable about me been dressed whilst she is around so its basicly whilst the cats away the mice will play[/SIZE]

[KandisTX]

My wife has known about my crossdressing for 16 years now, since three days after we met. We have been married for 9.25 of those years. Her acceptance is not based upon any limitations or following any rules. She has loved me from the day we first met, and I her. I can dress freely when I choose to do so. She says "Your crossdressing is part of what makes you who you are, if I were to try to remove that part of you it would change the whole person. I didn't fall in love with a part of you, I fell in love with ALL of you, and that includes your crossdressing".

[Amanda22]

My wife couldn't be more accepting. Better descriptors are "encouraging" and "participatory." When I came out to her last August, I almost had a heart attack from the fear of her reaction and losing her or damaging our relationship forever. But to my amazement, she said "I'm not surprised." And then she said, "is that all?" She gave me a big hug and kiss and I started crying. I was wisely counseled by Rachel Morley on this forum to let my wife determine the pace of progression of CDing in our relationship. I did, and since New Years of this year, we've gone out for girl's nights out together and had so much fun. She says all the time she doesn't understand why wives don't celebrate the moment a husband admits he's a CDer. She gets an intimate girlfriend in addition to the husband she fell in love with. What could be better?

Soon after that initial coming out conversation, she asked if I knew she'd be totally OK with it. I said, no, I didn't. She responded that I should have known because she loves me. It is really that simple. She loves me whatever "me" entails. What a woman she is.... She's everything to me!

[Sophie86]

Like many of you girls out there I constantly struggle to gain my wife’s acceptance. It seems you either have a wife that embraces this lifestyle or not. My question is to girls with accepting wives, why do you think your wife is so accepting? I’d also like to hear what levels of acceptance are out there. How often do you dress? Do you dress together? Are you full time? Any funny anecdotes or stories related to you CDing.

If she's still with you, that's acceptance of a sort. It may not be enthusiasm, but it's better than hauling you into divorce court.

I would say that one reason my wife finds it easy to accept me is because her self-esteem isn't tied to being married to a Manly Man™. We've never been stuck on traditional gender roles. I'm the stay-at-home parent who takes care of the house & kids, while she is the breadwinner. That was something we started before I came out to her, and it's worked out well. I think she realizes that the crossdressing is tied to many of the qualities that she admires in me.

[cdterri]

Simple, My wife loves me for who I am. It is a testiment to true love. She want's to make me happy, as I do her. Why else would you commit your life to someone?

[WendyH]

My wife and I started our relationship as friends, and I came out to her a few months after we'd first met. Within minutes of me telling her, she had me trying on clothes, shoes, and jewelry! She has been encouraging and very participatory; she has encouraged me to do things I'd dreamed of doing, but was never brave enough to try--spending a whole week as Wendy, going to Southern Comfort, coming out to friends, growing my hair long, even attending our church's monthly women's night. She doesn't always understand what I'm feeling, but she is always lovingly supportive; she is happy to be with me no matter how I'm dressed. I think the key is that I was upfront with her, before we even began to be romantically involved. That's been my policy for a long time; yes, it did scare away some women in the past, but with perseverance I found my soulmate! It also helps that she is open to new ideas and experiences.

[sweetjan]

My wife supports my crossdressing and helps me every way she can. My wife has always said , it does not make
you any less of a man. She has always said it is a part of me. I can cd at any time with no problems from her. She is my best friend and
simply put she is my everything.

[GMCD]

The story of my marriage is a long one. Like Wendy, my wife and I started our relationship as friends. We knew each other for nearly 6 years before we ever got romantically involved. My wife knew from the beginning about my past, the years I'd lived as a woman, and all my challenges with my sense of my own identity. I had stopped dressing for a time and we didn't really give the matter much thought. Dressing remained a part of my life even after we married, but it was just an "alone time" activity that I would indulge in whenever I had the house to myself. I bought my own things and kept them safely tucked away in a little box in the garage.

As time went on in our marriage, I began to tell my wife about things that I had liked and dis-liked about the life I'd once led. As I began to find peace with myself and what I am, I also expressed to my wife that there were things I wanted in my life that I knew weren't "normal" (from other people's perspective that is). She was very good and tried her best to understand. When I came to peace with my desire to cross dress, we talked and she agreed to let me. There was some hesitation because she didn't understand what it all meant, so I gave her access to all the information I could find and she went straight to reading and studying and she found peace through that. There were also some tough, awkward conversations when she first saw me dressed. She didn't have a problem with me dressed, she even complimented me openly on how I looked, she became jealous that she felt I looked better than her. There was a lot of crying and I try not to really dress up when she's around so much so as to not hurt her. My cross-dressing became a normal part of me being me.

Today we are still happily married (8 years now). I still dress whenever I want to. I shave my legs and chest always. I have my own wardrobe and I openly shop for things for myself when I'm out shopping with my wife (we max out our Lane Bryant card once a year on outfits for her and outfits for me). I do tend to dress up more than my wife. She's a simple woman who likes her jeans and t-shirts and who is blessed with beautiful skin and seldom wears any makeup at all while I love my dresses, skirts, hose, and heels. We share some things in our wardrobe as we wear similar sizes, but not much (we like to keep our things separate for the most part).

Before my wife, I was just too busy trying to be a great gal to have bothered with meeting a great gal, so I have very little experience with women beyond my wife, so I can't speak to any other experiences other than my wife. I realize that I'm immensely blessed to have a wife who is so understanding and accepting and even encouraging (she's always looking for sales on things she knows I like, or finding a few extra dollars in the budget for something nice that I would like to have, even making sure I don't leave the mall without getting my eyebrows done). Open communication and a willingness to try to understand each other's thoughts and feelings have been the keystones of our success. Also, basing our marriage on the mutual desire to work together rather than just the desire to be together has given us a strong foundation in every aspect of our marriage. Plus, above everything else, being friends first has established our relationship and given us deep roots and a bond that lasts when romantic love and physical attraction aren't enough.

I hope that addresses the question somehow.

Much love!

[Amber_Lynn]

I've had some funny experiences with women and them accepting CDing. Most do to some level. It's a part of my life so I have always made it known early in every relationship. Hey it's part of me and what I like, I want you to know now before we get to far down the path.

My first wife was fine with it. At the time it was mostly lingerie and I think we went to a couple gay clubs, but never dressed. My second wife wanted nothing to do with it. Her dad was gay and left her mom for another man. Although she was a daddy's girl she never really accepted what happened with her parents and I can only assume she was afraid the same would happen to us. I would try to ease her in to it with just wearing panties and she wanted nothing to do with it.

Now I'm dating the most awesome girl. I told her pretty early in our relationship and as you would suspect she had her concerns and reservations but now it's no problem. I have two drawers of clothes and wear lingerie every day. We will even go shopping at VS together to buy matching panties. The only thing I have not done yet is present myself fully dressed. She encourages me to do it but I'm still a little scared about her full acceptance. She says she's fine with it, but it still makes me nervous.

The one thing she does understand is that the more I open up to her the more she knows I love her. It's a great feeling because she supports me, loves me and she has become my best friend. There is no one in the world I turn to like her. I think her initial apprehension was that it would drive us apart. I would want to dress and no longer want to be with her. The polar opposite has happened. Since opening up to her I've never felt closer and I think the feeling is reciprocal.

[prettytoes]

My wife found my clothes about 2 months ago. After a time of not talking, then conversation and lots of the expected questions (are you gay? do you want to become a woman? etc.), some tears, she has become fairly accepting. I can paint my toenails (love it!), wear panties 24/7 (satin bikini's, cotton bikini's when it's really hot), and wear nighties and other feminine sleepwear, and she does all my wash without issue. She asked in the beginning to not see me in a skirt or dress, and I have no problem with that, but she will wash them with the other laundry. I do not want to go too fast and push her away. It seems that as long as I progress slowly she is very good with it all. I have asked her if she would prefer me to wear men's underwear when being intimate, and she told me that whatever feels best for me is fine with her (that's a no brainer in my book...satin vs heavy cotton? satin wins every time!). I did buy her the book "My Husband Wears My Clothes" and she read it and said it really helped her to understand. I have read it as well, and it really seemed to "hit the nail on the head".
I wear panties all the time, a sport bra when I am riding my bike or working out, and I relax in the morning before work by watching the news and drinking my coffee in a mini skirt or dress. I want to eventually try makeup, but I want her to help me with it, although she doesn't use much.

My wife and I have been together for 28 years now. She is my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. I really wish I had told her years ago, but I really thought I would lose her. I tried many times, but never had the courage to go through with it. I also went through the purges and the "I'm done with it" stages, and we all know how well that works out! I do not go out in public enfemme; I keep it inside the house, other than underdressing. Neither of us wants anyone else to find out due to the usual assumptions and accusations associated with it. It is our secret, and it really has brought us much closer together than we have ever been!

A friend of mine put out motion sensor cameras for deer scouting, and I told her it would be funny to go and "moon" the camera. She looked at me and chuckled "with your pretty panties on?" We both laughed at that one. I could not have asked for a better wife!

[RachelOKC]

I was a girl when I met my wife, so it got that issue out of the way in a big hurry.

I've never had a partner who didn't know about my TG nature either beforehand or within a day or two of meeting and I've never developed a relationship with someone if they couldn't deal with it, at least at the outset. It's true that my TG identity factored into the end of some relationships, but that was due to looking at a future ahead, not lack of honesty in the past. Not every partner wants to live with the very real possibility of their partner transitioning - something I've long contemplated and been open about. Not every partner is capable of living in a lifestyle that can invite curiousity, comment, and condemnation. It takes a special person who can.

I think my wife is one of those special people. While we're very different in many ways, I think we have a deeply similar background in growing up feeling like outsiders and feeling like we weren't able to be ourselves until we chose to be. I think the biggest thing about my relationship with my wife is that we both accept each other for who we are, understand we're complicated individuals, don't try to change one another, and understand that change may come on its own. We don't have a perfect relationship by far and there are many things we'd like improve. But acceptance of one another for who we are is something in our lives that probably doesn't need much work.

[Eryn]

My wife learned of my CDing decades into my marriage after I myself finally figured out what this compulsion was about. Her learning curve was steep and she needed time to become acclimated. I believe that my wife is accepting because she is a pragmatic person. She's done her own research, realizes that CDing isn't something that can be cured, and understands that it is just another facet of the man she married. She didn't allow herself to get caught in a cycle of shame, blame, and revenge where many spouses end up. She truly wants me to be safe and happy and has always acted in my best interest. Our life together has gone on pretty much as it was before we had "the talk," albeit with some additional friends and activities.

My wife sometimes assists in my dressing. She isn't fascinated by fashion or makeup but she helps when she can. She generously gives me the run of her closet which gives me access to age-appropriate clothing and greatly reduces the impact on our credit cards!

[NicoleScott]

My wife knows, accepts, tolerates, and even encourages, but doesn't participate. We don't do anything together when I am en femme. I think it's the way it is because she isn't threatened by my crossdressing. In fact, she may think it keeps me out of other mischief.

[Joanagreenleaf]

1) I would not be married, for long, to someone I had any persistent hassles with... 2) My wife is aware of my views on "happy" marriages being the only ones worth living in, and, having been divorced once herself, fully supports the idea of being happy with who you're with or being with with someone else... 3) My wife's view of what I wear, if I shave, if I do anything - is that what I do with myself is up to me... 4) She accepts my views and version of crossdressing and she never seems to think about it much as we have many other things in our lives that keep both of us busy... 5) I haven't looked up your profile, but do consider "1" above... I don't "struggle" to do much of anything, much less struggle with my wife over our clothing choices.

[Wendy_Marie]

I tend to fall into the belief that those wives who are not so secure in their own Femininity take the most exceptions to our lifestyle...Insecurity breeds fear and contempt.

The Accepting wife to me is like the Fabled Unicorn...I have still not met one personally and I am beginning to doubt their existence outside of this forum.

[kendra_gurl]

Remember the old saying "Time heals all wounds" ? With enough time, persistence, persuasion, discussion, research, any many other things, acceptance or at least tollorance can be reached to some degree. There will never be a method to get your wife to accept to the same degree as others do. My wife knows and helps and is more comfortable seeing me dressed than I am to be seen dressed by her. That in no way means she still does not have worried and doubts in the back of her mind about what will come next. We are still men after all just from reading how many have been married several times (for what ever reason, not just crossdressing) we also change what we desire as time goes by so who can blame a wife for always having her fears.

Wendy I think there is a lot to be said about wives who are insecure in their own feminity. another thread perhaps

[GMCD]

I like what Kendra said:

My wife knows and helps and is more comfortable seeing me dressed than I am to be seen dressed by her.

That is definitely how I feel, too.

I just want to add that marriage is, ultimately, a partnership. Both members need to be on some sort of mutual plane and work together to stay on that plane. Oftentimes what I have seen in marriages that break down because of a gender issue is that the partnership breaks. Sometimes it is a wife that cannot bring herself to try to understand, being too shocked and afraid to try and sort out what's really happening in their partner's life and psyche. Other times it is a husband who is unwilling to yield to his wife's concerns or limits and who demands to have as much freedom as he wants regardless of how it affects his partner. There are lots of other things that play into the breakup of a marriage besides gender issues, too, but it all boils down to a breakdown of the machinery that keeps each partner pulling with the other. If nothing else, I think that any approach to finding balance in marriage when any challenge arises is to keep the operation of the machinery of partnership as the first priority. Be willing to compromise, to accept differing opinions, to accept blame, to forgive wrongs, whatever it takes to ensure the conversation continues and that both of you are working together. If that can't happen, then there will be nothing but hurt, destroyed marriages, wrecked families, and worse.

Just what I've seen. Carry on. Much love.

[Sally24]

One thing that probably helped my wife come to terms was that I told her shortly after we moved in together. At that point it was maybe one article of clothing once or twice a year. Fast forward over 20 years and we had the free time and I had the increased desire to explore this side of me. She helped me shop for the beginnings of my new wardrobe. While she didn't have a lot of skills with makeup she could tell me when I did things right. My dreams for the future were maybe going to a dark movie theatre together at night. When I asked her to tell me when she thought I was ready to try going out, she said "I think you're ready now". She took me to my first makeover and we went from there straight to a family restaurant! We spent the next year going out once a month as girlfriends, shopping, and going to mainstream venues of all kinds.

While she doesn't even let me kiss her while dressed, she's not a lesbian, she has no problem being with me. I've learned from her how to coordinate colors and assemble outfits. She still critiques my selections and suggests improvements. She takes a.certain pride in Sally looking good because she feels she helped create her.

We still go shopping every few months but I go out with others enough that we don't go out together as much as we used to. Her counselor asked her if she was worried about me fooling around with men when I go to my group outings. She said she knew I wouldn't cheat on her as a man so I also wouldn't cheat as a woman. It just wasn't something that I would even consider doing.

While she shows a great deal of understanding its not all wine and roses. She is sometimes concerned that I look too good. That I might want to go further, because things have changed with me thru the years. She can feel less attractive because I'm slim and get dressed to the 9s often. She even asked me once if I was taking hormones because she didn't think I used to have breasts as large as they are now. She was also concerned when I admitted that if I ever retired I would like to spend more time as Sally.

So even though I know I have it good, we have our good weeks and our bad weeks.

As far as funny....she likes to say "At least you're not boring!"

[Danielle.N]

My ex-wife never knew anything during our 3 year marriage, but I was also not dressing at the time. This was the only period in my life I thought it had gone away for good.

I've known my likely future wife over 10 years, and I told her everything a few years ago, back when we were still only friends. Extremely close friends mind you, but still only friends. She has seen only pictures up until we got together, and she was very eager to see the real deal! She looked through my wardrobe, gave tips and new ideas, and has been very great and involved from day one. It's at a point now where its something we both have a little fun with, and she has no problem picking up items she thinks I'd like or that she would like to see me in. She has said that she much prefers the smooth face and body...I'm happy to oblige, of course.

[ziggie]

My wife is a therapist. Her attitude is accepting and, like the parish priest, there is nothing she hasn't heard before. She doesn't participate (perhaps rarely participates is a better term, but she accepts. That's enough for me.

[Dealight]

What a great thread. Very encouraging to read. My wife is my best friend, and we have been married for over 30 years (Yikes, am I THAT old?)...as I write this, we are sitting in bed together....I am dressed in hose, heels, mini-dress, wig and makeup....yahoo!....
My dressing started long into our marriage, and we have always had a very honest relationship. Also, we have not shied away from sexual "firsts".....as we have explored each other's likes and dislikes.
I am fortunate in that I never really "came out" to my wife...we kind of journeyed together to this point. I consider myself extremely fortunate..and I love her more today than I did the day I married her (and I was deeply in love then! )
All I can say by way of advice is that your relationship with the one you love is far more important than things that might be considered fetishes, or choices. By that I surely don't mean you ignore who you are, but it takes a huge amount of giving of one's self, and being a less selfish person in ALL areas of your life (and we are all selfish!....we can't help it...we're human!) in order to make a relationship work well. By no means easy, and harder for some than others...that is the reality of 2 people in a committed relationship. But if it is worth it, and I believe for me it is, there is no greater joy than being able to share all parts of you with the one you love. I hope with all my heart that you find the place you need to be, and the person you want to share it with.....Good luck!!!!

[PretzelGirl]

It is good to see Dealight's story as it has similarities to mine. I started late and it started with my wife fully aware of it. So I never had to struggle with the thoughts of "maybe this will go away" or "marraige will change me". So that was a bonus on my side. My wife is fully supporting and participates and encourages. She even gets playful like this weekend at the pride festival, she wanted a big kiss because it would be okay there.

So what do I think were the key things to my wife's acceptance and us not having issues because of my dressing?
1. She knew from the beginning. So many people here seem to have the root issue of "how do I tell her what I do". I was lucky in that I didn't have to deal with that. The side effect of this is that we learned together.
2. I paced myself early and let her have/encouraged boundaries. My wife is a quiet person and would say nothing and let it bother her. I made sure I knew where her comfort lied and worked within that. She was uncomfortable with many things early on and those just went away over time.
3. Life is about balance. Dressing should never take time away from work and family events.
4. Each step forward that wasn't minor (going out for the first time, telling someone, etc) was a mutual decision. She had to be okay with it as much as I had to be. in reality, she was telling me to go out before I thought I was ready.

Some of these may work for others. Relationships are all different. But I feel there is a lot of value in the above items probably because it worked so well for me.

[t-girlxsophie]

I told my Wife from the first moment we talked online,that I crossdressed,she has been very supportive,and enjoys being Involved with everything to do with it,I am always mindful of her in everything I do and try not to take her acceptance for granted.She has always said that She loves every part of me,she has told me that my dressing in no way a problem for us it is a part of the whole person she fell in love with,My Wife has experienced some of the worst abuses man can perpetrate towards a woman,and I have always promised her that I will never mistreat her in anyway.I adore my Lovely Wife with all my heart and soul,she is my life

Sophie

[Carla]

My wife is very supportive and accepting. I dress almost every day, meaning when I get home from work I would change into a comfortable tee and maybe a denim skirt. I wear a nightgown to bed. She sometimes surprises me with a purchase of a new top or some basic lingerie.

Why is she this way? Have have no clue!!!! LOL. She already thinks I'm a little crazy anyway, so wearing dresses is just another bit of craziness. We have traveled to a few TG events together (I would not think to go without her) and we have met some really great couples and have some great times together at dinners or at the bar over some drinks.

Believe me......I know that I am one of the very few lucky girls here that have the kind of acceptance I have from my wife. And believe me, I do not take it for granted. I share ALL the household duties with her as sort of my way to say THANK YOU! I vacuum, scrub the kitchen floor, dust, I scrub the toilets, we always go grocery shopping together. The only thing I do not do is iron. GAWD! I can do it, but it takes me forever. Anyway, she never asked me to do any of these things. I just think it is a small price to pay for me to wear what I want, when I want.