it finally happened, future uncertain

[JamieG]

my conscience has gotten messed up and i need to start listening to it. but how many of you out there are being completely honest with your so? just so i dont feel like the only creep

Of course you're not the first. Many of us have hid CDing from our partners, and many others still do. Although I believe that telling as early as possible is the best thing, each of us must make the decision when/if to tell in our own time. For me to say otherwise would be hypocritical.

the problem is, there are some religious issues here - conservative ones. i am a very conflicted person. i cant see any way to reconcile tg/cd with our religious views. i know people have tried, but i'll let you in on a little secret . . . i have graduate-level education in theology, and i just cant see it. and i dont want to force my wife to join me in my little charade. then she's got to carry around the secret and the "if only they knew" feeling. but boy, that would be amazing if she would be accepting.

Religious objections can be the most difficult to grapple with, since it's difficult to change beliefs that are matters of faith. You'll have ask yourself if being TG is a choice that was placed as a temptation to test you, or if god made you TG to serve some other purpose. I don't have the answer to that question, but will mention that scientists are beginning to find evidence in favor of genetic causes. In any case, I wish you and your wife all the best.

[Inna]

Oh babe, I am sorry to hear that, deep inside I know, weather for good or bad, this doesn't go away, and all you can do is to stash it dormant until when>
I remember a while back looking at your pics and admiring your beauty and girlishness, the femininity you posses. You are a girl within and it is so hard to hear about you this way because now I know the joy of being full OUT and enjoying every day, and seeing the girl in dreams grow from within.
I so wish that you will discover this truth and happiness and be able to be you without regret, without guilt.

As to religious, very personal issue and no one should really have any say over what you believe. Only one question to you. Whom do you listen to, religious leaders or god? God dwells in your heart, and if I am to believe you are his creation then how could you be broken and defective.
I found God in truth, the ultimate truth, the one that penetrates deep into my core, into my soul. Truth about you lies within and your deep desires are part of it. Is it wrong to be you, to be fulfilled. Those who draw the line and call you out to be who they want you to be, do not know this truth in their hearts, those who cast shadow upon you, do so, because of their own guilt and inadequacies. Those who say that god means this or that mistake his word to their own. God is personal and if you just listen for his loving whisper you shall hear his wisdom.

Love, Inna.

[rocketscientist]

I just read your OP and the subsequent replies,some of which were negative. First of all, don't ever think of yourself as a "creep". You are a wonderful human being being made to feel that you are not. Don't ever for one second feel guilty about dressing,for it is only a moral crime in some small minded peoples' views. You CAN feel guilty for sneaking around your wife's back and not letting her know how you truly feel. How Do you really feel though? Are you just dressing for the entertainment or is it a part of WHO YOU REALLY ARE? Only you can answer this question after searching your soul. If you did totally quit, would you be denying yourself something so integral to your core, something that makes up a BIG part of who you are? Is it even possible not to think of dressing? As another poster already said, it might not be the dressing itself that has your wife upset, but a lack of honest communication and a feeling of being lied to. To be con't.

[ReineD]

the problem is, there are some religious issues here - conservative ones. i am a very conflicted person. i cant see any way to reconcile tg/cd with our religious views. i know people have tried, but i'll let you in on a little secret . . . i have graduate-level education in theology, and i just cant see it. and i dont want to force my wife to join me in my little charade.

I agree. It is much, much more difficult, if not impossible, to change someone's fundamental beliefs that the CDing is "wrong" if they are rooted in religion. I have a friend who just wrote her dissertation on this very subject. I'm making a mental note to call hir and ask what might be the best approach to take in a case like this.

Anyway, I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do, and just know that the forum will be here if you ever decide that you want to attempt changing your own beliefs, not in God, but in the idea that what you do is not compatible with your basic tenets. It is only after you change your own beliefs that you will have any hope of getting your wife to become enlightened as well.

[joanna marie]

but my conscience has gotten messed up and i need to start listening to it. but how many of you out there are being completely honest with your so? just so i don't feel like the only creep

I have been with my wife for over 39, she just found out about my CDing last Sept.
I had kept it hidden all those years, We are now in the don't ask don't tell stage.
she is not excepting and never will be, and her knowing has also given her something to use against me in arguments.
But I'm also glad that she found out because I don't have to worry about her finding out anymore.

Being a CDer is part of who you are, it is something that you do well, and I could tell by your smile that it brings you great enjoyment.
You should never feel like a creep,because you tried to avoidstress and conflict in your life.
You will only feel like a creep if you let people make you feel that way,Don't let anyone or anything make you feel like that.

I stopped going to church a long time ago, but I do remember my priest saying that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
God gave you the desire and ability to dress as a very pretty woman. You should be able to enjoy it.

the problem is, there are some religious issues here - conservative ones. i am a very conflicted person. i cant see any way to reconcile tg/cd with our religious views.

Having to choose between Dressing, Your wife ,and your Religion can lead to resentment of all three.

I really feel for you and wish you well.

[donnalee]

I'm sorry to hear you and your wife are having difficulties. It is highly unlikely you can be "cured" of or deterred from your dressing; somehow, your wife must be made aware of this. Counseling and education, both good options, have been suggested; the difficulty, of course, is in getting her to agree.
I've always felt that emotional trust is far more important than "honesty" in a relationship Trust means she knows you have her back; "honesty" is telling her that her butt IS too big in that dress.

[mourningdove]

Ah, a doctorate in theology. Reminds me of this comic.

I bet you'd really enjoy the message "Truefaced" by John Lynch. See if this link works. Otherwise, visit this site and enter an email address to get the free mp3.

[Julie Denier]

You are where I was about a month ago, when my wife unexpectedly walked in on me while dressed. We're now working through many issues that reach beyond my dressing, which is not an option right now as my top priorities are my wife and our daughter. Getting caught was a real slap in the face that, in retrospect, I truly needed to finally work on being a better person. I wish you luck in your journey ...

[Lorileah]

i know many of you will say that i'll be back in the saddle again soon, but i dont know. i even deleted all my pics!!!! that was the hardest thing ive done in a long time. (tho, i still have an old hard drive with some on it) but many are lost forever.

i may not be around much, but i'll check in from time to time.

seems sort of incongruous. Either you have given it up or you haven't. Methinks you haven't. Sort of like keeping that pack of cigars in the bottom of the drawer.

Look, you need to work this out now, not later. If you are going to break free and you are truly repentant then you won't keep things around that are enticements. You need to discuss this with the wife if you cannot give it up. Next time you are caught it is a twist to the old adage "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." She won't be as objective next time.

[kaleyg]

Wow.I'm blown away by all the amazing responses. One thing is prob true, I haven't truly given it up. If I want a clean break I'd have to delete all pics and stop coming here!!!! I'm still keeping a little place in my heart for kaley. I honestly don't know what to do. Clean break seems like the best way for everyone, all things considered.??? Thanks for the love and wisdom.

[Jamiegirl1]

Kaley,I have been where you are....First off,you should have just put the clothes,wigs,etc.... in the attic.You will regret throwing them away.You could stop dressing while you sort things out with your wife.I just went through the same thing again with my wife for about the third time.Last time and this time I did not throw away everything,only a few things,canceled my pics on flickr.we have had quite a discussion about my crossdressing,I told her I cannot quit,I have tried too many times in the past,This is part of who I am and I cannot change.I am still shaving my legs and underarms,just nothing else and she doesn't ever want to see me dressed,so have to still keep things in my truck and dress away from home.She has watched several shows on tv about crossdressers, kind of understands that we cannot help being what or who we are.I explained to her that I had to keep it a secret from her,because she told me to leave the first time she found out.It wasn't something I could just say"Honey,by the way I am crossdressing again",she said she obviously doesn't understand it ,but neither do I.....I assured her that I am not Gay.....but that I really feel Good being dressed and feeling like a woman,even told her that sometimes I wish I was a woman......this last round was only about a month ago and so far she is OK with it,just doesn't want to see it.Hopefully you can talk to your wife,assure her that you love her and aren't gay,that you only hid it from her,because there is no easy way to tell her that you love being feminine.I have been married 27 years and only told her because she was questioning me about shaving my chest,so I told her the truth........Good Luck Hun,please keep in touch on this forum,it has helped me to be stronger and realize that this is something I can never give up..............Jamie

And doing it without her knowledge, " while she was ignorant " was OK? But to do it now violates her trust? Strange set of ideals you have there. very strange. Lying is OK, but only until you get caught? So that you can hurt in the worst possible way the most inportant women in your life? Odd it's just odd to me

Don't be sooo damn critical ,everyone's situation is totally different

[TGMarla]

It's not my business, and I know that these kinds of revelations really hurt women. But that said, who is she to dictate how you approach your life? Who is she to toss your wig in the trash? How can another demand the way that one lives? If she truly loves you, she will strive for understanding of you and learn to know your soul. Otherwise, her love, however great, is still superficial, and in need of greater growth and depth.

[Cheryl James]

I am very sorry for the pain and confusion that you are having to endure at this time. I am, also, sympathetic for your wife's position. I hope that you are able to resolve this in a manner that is acceptable for both of you.

As for the criticism that you have received, I only ask, "Who among us is perfect." Like you, I did not tell my wife of my desires (the thought of being rejected was too great...and I did love her). Like you, my secret was discovered and, like you, it threatened our marriage. In my case, though we are still married, it is a sham marriage at this point. I hope that the resolution to your situation is better than mine.

My need to dress and to express my femininity is huge. And, though, I have purged many times, the need is with me on a daily basis. I am. personally, at peace with myself (it has taken most of my life to achieve that level of peace), but it will never be something that my wife finds to acceptable. It is, to quote her: "Disgusting!"

Good luck and remember, this does not make you a bad person.

[kimdl93]

Certainly, marriage and family have to be priorities. But at the same time, one needs to be true to oneself. Its not always a simple. Giving up a part of yourself may seem an appropriate acto of contrition, but is contrition justified.

Yes, you hid this part of yourself from your wife (evidently a second time) and that brings up trust issues. But that brings to mind something a wise friend once told me, it takes two to make a marriage, and two to break one up. Your act of contrition doesn't change your wife's attitude toward you or cross dressing...and she may , fairly or unfairly, continue to judge you each day of your life. That's not something that you can easily endure. Believe me, I know.

[2B Natasha]

Don't be sooo damn critical ,everyone's situation is totally different

Belch! I don't need your permission for how I feel and what I say.

BTW. did you take a walk in my shoes before your comments? No? Though so.

[Iskandra]

Ouch.. good luck with your relationship! The bible oft talks about forgiveness and understanding differences, Perhaps this be a test of true faith?!
The book is outdated and prone to misinterpretation.. But the underlying truth can not be ignored!!
Love others as you would yourself.. Regardless!!!
Treat others as you would have them treat you.. Regardless!!

Religious debates aside, we are made in gods image, so either god is female or god is a crossdresser..
(or (s)he doesn't care..)

I agree with some other comments here, she is probably more upset about hiding things from her, not knowing the whole truth! The clothes (and the religious factor) are but side issues.. Open your heart and maybe you will open her mind!!
Throwing your 'wig' in the bin is an empty gesture, Specially if you still desire to wear it.. Be true to yourself.. How else can you be true to the person that means so much?!
I wish you strength and a happy outcome..

[kathrynt21]

Kaley-
I hope you are still reading these.
I habe always enjoyed looking at your photos and reading your stories.
Not only are you stylish and pretty but youALWAYS look so happy in your photos.
And when someone looks THAT happy? There can be nothing wrong with what they are doing.
You have been expressing truly beautiful part of yourself that people who know you should realize makes you who you are in ANY mode.
I can't imagine what you are going through and hope you are doing OK.
If you need someone to talk to about any of this, please feel free to contact me.
I feel for you, girl!

[JenniferR771]

Maybe you need a less dogmatic church. A congregation that is more loving and accepting of all Christians. http://www.ucccoalition.org/programs...program/#c2184
Take a look at Dr Julie Nemacek, transgender Doctor of Divinity.

[Staci G]

I see many saying like you that their marriage is so much more important than their transgender second self. I on the other hand say the opposite I think my own sanity is just as important. Sure it is selfish but isn't she for denying my needs. I would never choose to be trans or crossdresser I believe I along with many on here have no choice.or we would stop now. I do however accept who I am as Staci and love all things that are femme. The fact she found your stash and you purged it all does not change the fact that you are a crossdresser. It just gave her another one up on you and showed you she is in control of who you are. I am in that boat with you except I have just this week I let her know I will not stop and she don't have to participate but I will not stop. She ridicules me all day but she can't knock staci out. I know you will be back and with a vengeance so until then xoxoxoxo good luck .

[VeronicaMoonlit]

my wife found a stash (not everything), but it was the most important stuff. she was absolutely furious and shocked. she didn't think i 'struggled' with this anymore and had no idea i was dressing.

I take it you lied to her and told her it was something you did in the "past" and didn't do anymore. Why don't crossdressers ever learn that doesn't work.

so, while i felt ok doing it while she was ignorant, to do it now violates her trust. and my makeup, underwear, wig and a few other things went in a dumpster and are on their way to a landfill somewhere.

So it was okay to do it as long as she was blissfully unaware, but now that she found you out....again, it's wrong? What kind of self destructive attitude is that?

i may not be around much, but i'll check in from time to time. thanks to everyone for your support and kindness.

If you truly meant your purge, you wouldn't come here.

I was where you are 4 years ago.... Saying the same things. Thinking the same thoughts. I wish you luck and strength.

And were you not told that the things you were doing were self-destructive and almost guaranteed to have someone find out, either your co-workers or your wife? But you kept on doing them, didn't you. That's the self destructive behaviour too many CD's engage in.

Odd it's just odd to me

It's not odd at all, CD's are quite capable of lots of self deception and deception of others...I should know. It's not that they actively think of themselves as lying, it's just that hiding and secrecy becomes habitual

Natasha's answer is harsh but puts your confusion in the real context.
I myself felt extremely uncomfortable while reading it.

As well as the other CD's currently hiding it from their wives/SO's/immediate family members, should.

i was wrong in doing it behind her back -- embarrassing to get called out publicly on the website for being a creep.

Not a creep, but deceptive. Not just to her, but to your self.

now, ive implicitly promised not to.

And now you've compounded the problem by making a promise you KNOW you can't keep. Why would you ever do such a thing? Have you learned nothing from these boards, that making such a promise in the heat of the revelation doesn't work?

i cant imagine her accepting anything right now.

Can you blame her? But you should have been honest from the first.

but how many of you out there are being completely honest with your so? just so i dont feel like the only creep

I don't have one, because I knew better than to get one before I had seriously dealt with "this thing of ours of varying kinds"

Kaley, I don't know you and I don't know how much you feel this is a choice for you or not, but if it isn't, does your wife know this?

Look, CD's who's wives don't know, should read this closely and listen to Reine.

What drove you to cross dress in the first place didn’t just disappear into that dumpster with all of your feminine things.

Exactly, purging is wasteful and dumb.

You might want to read the book “My Husband Wears My Clothes” by Dr. Peggy Rudd.

Unless kaley is younger and not conservative, in that case My Husband Betty would be better.

Let your Wife have a cooling off period, read the book, then have a heart-to-heart talk with her.

Reasonably good advice.

Can we just not do that? Is it necessary?

Yes, it IS necessary. People need to get it through their thick skulls to NOT do this. People have been saying this for years and yet crossdressers keep on doing it. There have been a ton of posts here about how hiding it from wives is bad, but did Kaley read them and follow the advice...no. She made her bed, now she has to lie in it and take the consquences. Tough Love.

the problem is, there are some religious issues here - conservative ones. i am a very conflicted person.

Sigh, if you knew that you were a CD, then why did you subscribe to such views in the first place...that's very self-destructive. (Yes, I know, it seems it runs in a certain type of CD). And if your wife had such views, why did you marry her being a CD and all? did you think you could control it? Did you think marriage would cure you? If so that's more self deception.

i cant see any way to reconcile tg/cd with our religious views. i know people have tried, but i'll let you in on a little secret . . .i have graduate-level education in theology,

What the hell? Why would any CD want to have a graduate education in conservative theology, that's just masochistic, and self hate.

and i just cant see it.

Then you're not thinking imaginatively enough. There's plenty of denominations that have no problem with transfolk. Several have been mentioned here.

and i dont want to force my wife to join me in my little charade.

Helloooo, not a charade, get that thought out of your head right now.

Although I believe that telling as early as possible is the best thing,

Yes yes it is.

each of us must make the decision when/if to tell in our own time. For me to say otherwise would be hypocritical.

Sooner is better than later and I regret not telling my family (Mother, Father and Sister) sooner.

seems sort of incongruous. Either you have given it up or you haven't. Methinks you haven't. Sort of like keeping that pack of cigars in the bottom of the drawer.

Good analogy.

Look, you need to work this out now, not later. If you are going to break free and you are truly repentant then you won't keep things around that are enticements. You need to discuss this with the wife if you cannot give it up. Next time you are caught it is a twist to the old adage "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." She won't be as objective next time.

And very good advice.

Don't be sooo damn critical ,everyone's situation is totally different

Not that different. There is a hell of a lot of commonality between crossdressers experiences. Kaley's story has been told before...many many times, by other "religiously conservative CD's whos wives just found their stashes". And they have been told many many times what to do and what they shouldn't do and people don't seem to learn from the previous experiences.

[QUOTE=JenniferR771;2544719]Maybe you need a less dogmatic church. A congregation that is more loving and accepting of all Christians. http://www.ucccoalition.org/programs...program/#c2184

Ahh the Unitarians, good choice. Though any "more light" group would work, as was noted on these boards, the Presbyterians are fine with GLBT pastors, so obviously GLBT parishioners wouldn't be an issue.

Veronica

[Kathi Lake]

Kaley, even an M-Div doesn't give you all the answers. All you have to do is ask and do what is in your heart - not your wife's heart. Your heart.

Praying for you and your wife at this understandably difficult time.

Kathi

[MattiQ]

I have to aggree that you have to do what is in your heart. Myself, I said the same thing to my wife... I can quit ect.. I tried but could not do it. I have to be myself. Currently my wife is giving me room to do so, but is not thrilled about it. I will say one thing for sure, if you have to start dressing again, tell her first. Don't do what I did and get caught a second time. I fealt like a scumbag, and rightfully so.

[CynthiaD]

You are in a bad place, and there may not be any way out. I would suggest that you begin by focusing on what's fundamental and most important. Do you love you wife? Does she love you? Do you love each other enough to try and work through this? Is this thing bigger than you love for each other, or is you love bigger?

Don't get bogged down with the religious issues. Conservative Christians often get confused about what is sinful and what is merely socially unacceptable. I say a prayer almost every night thanking God for making me the way I am and for giving me the wisdom to appreciate His gift to me.

On the other hand, I disagree with some of the others here about whether you can give up CDing permanently. It will be the hardest thing you ever did, but you can probably do it. It's certainly not the best choice, because it means surprising an important part of who you are. And you could easily fail, and then where would you be?

This is a big thing and it deserves to be treated seriously. Don't assume that a purge and a promise never to do it again will fix everything, because it won't.

[Lexine]

Hi kaley,

Knowing you as long as I have, I know that you're a wonderfully vibrant, caring, and loving soul. It doesn't matter to us what you or are not presenting as. Regardless of what happens to you, you will always be kaley to me, and to us, your sisters. I will miss you, but we know that that part of you will live on. So, in a way, I'm not saying goodbye, but I'm saying, "I'll see you later."

~Lexi

[KristyPa]

Kaley,
Please don't listen to anyone pounding you about not telling your wife and hiding it from her. I'm over 50 and until a few years ago I knew in my mind I would quit this and then would not have to worry about being caught. For the first time I realize I will do this until I die, still sorta hard to admit this.
Again for the people that pound you about not telling her. Why is most peoples advise to most eveyone else not to purge your stuff. What about the fact that you more than likely have done this since you was very young, like you really had a choice. By the way, I purged several times through out my life.
I've said this on here before. If I told my live-in girlfriend of 25 years about me. She would tell everyone we know and even my work place.
As for the people that advise to be upfront when you go out on a date with someone the first time or so. First off I'll go back to the fact you always think you will quit doing this, so why tell and I can see how many second dates you would have if you told your date "There's someting you need to know about me, I dress in women's cloths every chance I get".
I feel for you and don't be hard on yourself if at all possible. I always thought if and when I am caught I might print out a article like this and let her read it. Another article that might be good for her to read would be one that discusses that just because you dress in women's cloths your not gay. My gf would think I'm a crazed gay guy trying to hook up with anyone I can.