Emergency Help Needed. NOW! Please help

[Tiffy]

Britney, I am not sure what to say. I have been where you are once and handled it all wrong. So advice on this I can not give. But, I can wish you and your wife the very best and pray for you. Which is not something I do often. I do so hope that she comes around. Just know we are here to help and we love you. Best wishes sweetheart. Love, April


There is one thing I can say. The time I was in this situation I told my first wife that I would quit and not do it any more. As it turns out, it is not in my power to not do it. And she caught me again. I hope you reach a common ground with her.

[tifftg]

She is right to want you to make statements, but you are correct that she may discount each one along the way as you make it. As you have heard, this will not be easy and it is unclear how this will turn out. She is very hurt and angry as her trust in you, her vision of what she thought her future was going to look like was now turned upside down. What makes this more difficult I suspect, it seems from some of your earlier posts in the past few weeks, that your desire to dress was picking up steam. Questions about earrings and suggestions for improving your looks were indicators to me at least that britney was growing in importance. If this is true, your true needs may be somewhat in conflict. You have to be honest to her and to yourself as painful as some of those choices may seem. Having said that, a very honest response may well be--"I don't know how often, how much, how important your dressing is to you," It all probably seems very confusing.

As to statements, you may want to start with what is important to you. I have been working with a therapist for the past six months trying to come to terms with my growing need to express myself as Tiffany and my responisblities to my wife and my family. My therapist's first question to me is one I still keep in front of me each and every day. "What do I value?"

So for you, the statements may start with "I love you" " I want to find a way to keep our marriage alive" " I know that I have shattered your trust in me and I am commited to re-earning it" "I have needs at times to express myself in a more feminine fashion and I have kept that from you and I am willing to discuss this in any way you want" " I want you to understand me better, so that I can begin to re-gain your trust" " I want to hear from you what I can do to help with your pain"

Think about those and then see if she reacts or responds. there is no clear script here as none of us really know you, your needs or desires, and we clearly do not know your wife.

We share your pain and pray that you find a path that works for you and your wife.

Tiff

[Dixie Darling]

Britney,

If she's willing to talk - LET her talk. LISTEN to what she has to say and answer all her questions as honestly as you can. If you don't know what an answer is, then tell her so, but tell her you'll try to find out for her. Bear in mind that she is hurt, confused, mad, feels decieved, depressed, in denial, possibly still angry, etc, so you should expect the worse when she begins to talk. If she doesn't volunteer the information, it might not be a bad idea to just ASK her what her major concerns are at this point. In all probability EVERYTHING she will indicate to you will relate to crossdressing and its connection with sexuality. If you can get it across to her that crossdressing and sexuality are two different entities you're making progress.

Beyond that, I would suggest (as I did in an earlier post) that the two of you view some reputable web sites TOGETHER and discuss the material that you find there as you read it. You can bet that she will have comments and questions about what she reads and you'll be right there with her to correct/explain anything that she misinterprets or doesn't understand (easy to do that when you're not familiar with crossdressing and the terminology we used to discuss it). The key here is that you're doing this TOGETHER. This should instill some degree of trust in her that you're TRYING to help her understand.

Good luck and keep us posted as to what you do and what the results are.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Barbara Beaulieu]

Well, The night has past and I'm hoping she has cooled enough to start talking. Many of the replys you got were good. You know her better than anybody, be honest, caring, and Listen to her. If /when she's cooled enough I'd say show her this site. I've learned more about relationships here than anywhere else. She'll see the pain that this lifestyle can bring a crossdresser and it might help soften the blow she's just had. I hope everything works out for you.

[Sarahgurl371]

Britney,

I wish that none of us ever had to be in this situation. I wish I could tell you it will get easier very quickly. In my case its been two years, and it hasn't gotten much better. i told my wife about my Cding. There is some excellent advice here, but only you know your wife and how she will react to this and your feelings. prepare yourself for some rejection and hurt feelings, because your wife may lash out and say things that are hurtful. She's just trying to deflect some of her pain.

I know you are the same person you were when you got married to her, she however doesn't she it that way. I tried to tell my wife that this would be a good thing for our marraige, ya know no secrets, deeper communication and emotional connection. She still doesn't understand that premise. She is still not willing to take me at my word about anything regarding Cding or my sexualtiy etc. She still is not willing to educate herself thru books or the net whatever. We saw a marraige consouler and that didn't seem to help much either. Just prepare for a long struggle, OK? But never lose hope. I still hope everyday that my marraige will get better.

Try to remember what it is that you love about each other, when times get tough. Try to be kind to each other as well. I've read several books and all kinds of stuff on the net about how others have dealt with this. Some promise to quit, some compromise, some are unyielding in thier personal wants and desires and flaunt it in front of thier wife. I don't know whats best. I choose to compromise, and had to (still do) have enormous restraint about dressing etc. Some days are diamonds and some are stones. Even though I have never held her to her own end of the compromise she has constantly re-written the rules, so I'm still as clueless as I was before.

I will advise you to not try and manipulate the situation for your favor, I know how desperately you want her acceptance, just work for it in a dignified way. Another good book is Crossdressing With Dignity by Peggy Rudd.

Ask yourself how important this side of you is, TO YOU. Don't cheat yourself! I hide behind everything else for a long time, never admitting to myself the truth. If this is a part of you, accept it and define what is acceptable to you for your life, you must be happy too.

i hope all goes well for you, i know how you feel. Again, don't beat yourself up for being true to you. I wish I had someone to tell me that when I needed to hear it.

[LindaMarie]

Britney,

As several others have mentioned, while the idea of you being a crossdresser has been a shock to your wife, the thought of your having betrayed her trust probably hurts just as much if not more.

I have not always been truthful with my wife about my need to crossdress and when I was found out, we had a very difficult time for several days. Then I think I was able to begin to rebuild her trust.

I hope so much that everything works out for you both. It hurts so much not only to have the person you love the most seem to be angry beyond measure but also to know how hurt and confused she must be feeling.

The best advice I've heard people give you is to listen, listen and listen. I hope after a few days, things will start to feel a little bit better and she'll realize you're still the person she married.

All my best wishes and prayers for you both.

[Jeanette TS]

Hi this is a hard one i can feel for you. But i know it's going to be very hard you will have to make her sit down and tell your story.She is not going to like it but you are still the man she marred in the end she so the softer side to you, and like it. So tell her how you feel and what it's all about.

Good luck.
I have just left my wife to be Jeanette full time get over that one.
She has know about Jeanette for 5 years but not liked it. But she knows i have to do this for my mind.We have two childern as well.

Lov Jeanette xx

[britney1]

My wife is going to ask "Do you expect me to accept this?" Deep down I hope she would, but what should I say?

[nichola p]

Britney- mine is a similar story and sorry to say after 7 years of marriage my cross dressing has finally caused a split. Pick yourself up and try to communicate, but dont deniy who you are, it wont work believe me. Dont make promises you cant keep they will come back to haunt you. I hope your SO is more understanding than mine, and your story has a happier ending than mine. Keep your chin up girl!!

[Wendy me]

britney just tell her that you would just like her to understand it and you know that this could take some time tell her you love her and want to let her have all the time she needs and you will bethere for her any way you can..
let her know you love her and you understand if she needs time to deal with this....

[nichola p]

You have to get her to accept this, it cant work without her acceptance

[Gale R]

I don't think it's a matter of getting her to accept it but of why you do it, not an easy thing to explain in itself.
If she does accept it you'll find that your wife will lay down some ground rules which you will have comply to, as my wife did.
But further down the line your wife will begin to get more involved with your "compulsion" to dress, mine now buys most of my undies for me, helps with my makeup and if she buys something for herself that she decides she doesn't like gives it to me.
This has taken a couple of years to get this stage but don't try to rush her, all SO's are different.
The first reaction of my wife was shock which changed to anger.
I think the biggest problem i had with my wife was confusion as to why i dress, it takes time and patience to explain something that complex, but worth all the stress.
Take care Britney, we're all behind you.

Luv ya Gale.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

My wife is going to ask "Do you expect me to accept this?" Deep down I hope she would, but what should I say?

Be honest with her (as everyone has said) but BE TRUE to yourself as well. SO, a question like this may take some soul searching on your part. If she makes statements which put you on the defensive, one technique of de-escalation (I work in mental health) is to agree with the person. So another words, if she says, do you expect me to accept this? You could respond with, "well clearly it sounds like accepting it would be extremely difficult for you." Basically you find some way, in what she has said, to agree in part or whole. It makes it difficult for someone to argue with you when you do this. She may follow with "you're damn right I"m not going to accept it!" To which you may say, "I know you're very hurt and angry......" You need to reach a stage in your communications with her, that she can begin to hear what you are saying too. If this doesn't happen, you may want to consider couple's counseling, you may need to go that route just based on what you've shared so far. It sounds like this has created a big trust wound in the relationship. BIG BIG hugs. And again, I offer that I'm here willing to talk with her if she wants. Best to yoU!

[Sweet Jeanette]

Oh my, what all is wrong with this statement; I don't know where to begin.


Can you say "S-E-X-I-S-T!"?

And "Bitch on a Broom" (your words not mine) why should she take your advice, it's quite prickly indeed!

My words were ment to provoke----"Thought"! ---, That you cannot read "between the lines", and understand my words, is not my problem or my concern. --- And yes! - "Bitch on a broom" is - ME, to a "T"! ------

[HaleyPink2000]

Like on much of the forum your going to hear question #1. Are You Gay?

There is much of the forum dedicated to threds of what the common questions are. They all start with this. Are you Gay? Anyway, I'm not and if I was I would not be dressing in femme clothing.

There are more choices for question #2. But be prepaired to answer the one, " Is There Someone Else"?

Oh and there is the one, " how long have you been doing this"?

Wow, Oh I have to tell you my favorite one. " Don't you know this is a sin"?
That one cracks me up. Like I am going to be hit by lightning.

Ok lets see, Hmmm thinking. Oh! How about the one my wife asked me the other night. " Don't you think this is sick"?

TC Hun.
Haley

[britney1]

I have gotten all of those in 24 hours.

[LindaLeeColby]

communicate, communicate, communicate....

She's going to want answers and in the absence of something she'll try anything. There are a number of great articles on this and some strategies you can use. Here is one site with a good paper on just this sort of thing, there are others.

http://www.cdspub.com/cope.html

Print them out for her, read them yourself then allow her to ask the "usual" questions. Most everything she knows about cross dressing has been negative hence her reaction. First counter those negatives and do that with a lot of reading material. A good couple of hours on the internet will give you lots of that material.

Good luck
Linda Lee

[Barbara Beaulieu]

Britany, I think she still needs alittle time to sort out whats going through her mind. The shock has shaken her world. I amagin she's not getting much work done at the office. And the image of her perfect world is gone. The big thing it's a start. Let her come to you, and reassure her that She is your world. I'm hoping for the best for you two.