Failing Confidence

[TxKimberly]

After years of just jumping on to airplanes and traveling all over the country "dressed", I have recently begun to suffer from a fairly significant lack of confidence. I have absolutely no idea why, but the last month or two, my self confidence has been plummeting.

The last three or four times in a row that I've tried to make any of my wigs look presentable, I just can't seem to do it. No matter what I do, they look like hell.

Every outfit I try on, even those that I just wore a short time ago look awful or dont seem to fit right.

I'm taking a trip to Richmond VA next week and would normally have gone pretty, but i'm thinking about going boy mode because the very thought of going dressed fills me with anxiety.

What the hell, over? How can I go from feeling like it is an everyday thing that caused me little or no worry, to suddenly being a nervous wreck about it? To the best of my memory, nothing bad happened and yet my confidence seems to have flown without me. . .

[KrystalA]

I fail to see how a girl as cute as you could possibly have a confidence problem.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kim, Maybe your hobby has turned into a job.

That's what happened with my model railroad I just had to walk away for a while
I was ready to sell or give everything away luckly that didn't happen.

Maybe you just need to let your girl batteries recharge for a while
but don't do anything radical like purging.

Orchid

[suchacutie]

wow...it must be in the water!!!

Last night my wife asked if Tina wanted to visit, and I actually said, "no". It was 4pm so there was plenty of time to transform and have a complete evening as girlfriends, and yet I didn't jump at it! I've been trying to figure out why since.

It does make me wonder if we actually have subtle hormonal balances that affect us more than we realize, especially for those of us who live in both genders rather regularly. After all, maintaining both genders is not exactly easy! We not only have to want to do all that is necessary, but as time goes on isn't it true that we have ever higher expectations for our feminine selves? Life is never linear, and our transgendered selves are likely a magnification of that fact.

Kimberly, I've always tremendously enjoyed reading of your exploits. I'm sure that all of us have been incredibly impressed with the mature manner in which you've been able to weave your masculine and feminine selves into your life. Since I'm struggling with a similar crisis at the moment I'm not sure I'm in much of a position to "waive the flag", so my only suggestion is to fly drab but bring Kimberly with you. You never know when she may want to go shopping!!!

Tina

[Intertwined]

Kim Maybe your hobby has turned into a job

Good Point, the ONLY time I get to dress is when I am doing house work, or out doing chores or shopping. So what most relaxes me and de-stresses me, is direclty tied to things I don't want to do, it's been to years since Marsha has existed for anything but work...

[SweetIonis]

Our minds revolve around our ego. Your ego has a substantial feminine component. Two important things about our minds:

1. They operate extremely fast, sometimes so fast we don't even realize some of the things it is doing are taking place.
2. Some of the content, in terms of perceptions and memories, are there at a level that we do not access on a conscious level.

With regards to item 1, at one time, advertisers would insert frames containing their products into movies. The frame would past so fast that persons could not consciously observe them. The practice was banned.

With regards to item 2, psychologists are well aware that there is a tremendous amount of mental activity that goes on at a level that we don't have presented before us at the conscious level. It has been well observed that we suppress various mental content that may conflict with how we want to view the world and ourselves. This is a defense mechanism, because this type of content has the potential to harm us. People who suffer from depression typically have experienced some sort of event that could not be suppressed and as a result damages their ego. As I said before, our minds revolve around our ego, and when the ego is damaged, the mind therefore operates in a distorted fashion. The point I want to make is that although we suppress these events, they are still there at a subconscious level and can have an effect on our mental processing.

Any rate, I said all of that to say, it is possible that either some sort of event has occurred that falls into one of these categories, or a combination of both, that has had an effect on your state of mind in this regard.

[Tina B.]

Kimberly, would this have anything to do with those ten pounds you where complaining about? Tina, maybe it's just the summer blahs? I've been wanting to dress, and haven't had the time.
Tina B.

[Cynthia Anne]

Perhaps you're exspecting something more! Go out and get a make over may help! Then again maybe you just need to hear from others how nice you look! By your pictures you are a beautiful lady! You should be proud! So keep your head up and keep that beautiful smile! Hugs!

[Sheren Kelly]

Phases are just a part of the bargain when we accept our transgender selves. I can't speak for out TS friends, but most CD/TG will have some cycling as we try to sort it out (a lifelong process for me!).

The best advise is to accept it and ride it out. I'll bet thet you will be back flying pretty in short order.

[JustWendy]

Kimberly, I'm with Tina. These feelings may have snowballed from the 10 pounds and not enjoying the way you looked in some of your favorite outfits. And sometimes, it's just not fun wearing a wig, pantyhose, and makeup in 100 degree temperatures. I don't know if Richmond will be any better, but if you travel drab, definitely pack some fun clothes.

Wendy

[suzy1]

I could be totally off the mark Kimberly. This is just a suggestion.
But what you describe is one symptom of depression. No, not necessarily serious depression. But if you are a little low for what ever reason then it does affect how you see yourself.

All the best, SUZY

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Kimberly

I believe this is just another hurdle we have to overcome. Like you I get out and about to different places, but I know if I go too long between outings I also lose confidence.

I am not sure whats causing your crisis of confidence but I do know you will get over it.

[Cassidy]

It was mentioned in a comment about the weight gain you reported. I'll agree with that comment. It could be playing on you. As I recall in one of your posts you reported you had an in-law staying with you. You mentioned this person wasn't pleased with Kimberly. Having this person around could be causing a negative effect. In some circles it could be called a subtle mind f-ck. a comment here, a comment there may not amount to much however the cumulative effect could be devistating. Perhaps it is as one poster mentioned dressing to travel for work may have become a chore which would one to believe there may be a problem at work. who knows it may be as simple as not wanting to go to Virginia because the client is a pain or the flight is pain or perhaps you are tired of living out of suitcases and in motel rooms.

As the commenter who mentioned the train set I too grew tired of one aspect of my life. My motorcycles have been a constant in my life for the past 35 years. Up until recently it became a battle to ride them or even go into the garage to look at them. One day something clicked so now I'm back to servicing them and riding them. Your situation will pass just as mine and others have. Go slow with it and things may fall into place sooner than you may think

[Paula Siemen]

Kim.
You are probably the most outgoing and passable of all of us girls. You inspire us all with your adventures. Please don't let this little depression get you down. Just relax about being fem and give it some time. You will be back to your normal self when you feel its the right time. This can be caused by any number of the issues mentioned in these post. CD'ing, I think is less fun when the temps are in the 100 deg range. It just becomes so much trouble getting ready and dealing with the heat, sweat and stickyness. There could be some business or family issues that are diverting your attention (subconciously) that you feel are more important at the moment. And yes, I do totally believe in male hormonal cycles, and that the more we identify and immulate females that these cycles may also effect us as they do real females. After all, aren't those a large part of the female way of life? You are actually sounding very much like my wife!!!! (joking). So just sit back, relax, and enjoy a cool maragrita or mojito.

[JenniferR771]

Wear a hat--the heat is getting to you. I think you need some retail therepy. Go shopping in Richmond. It is obvious you need some new shoes. And then perhaps a dress to go with the shoes. You need a summery outfit. And don't be afraid to shop for a new hairdo. If hair is the problem, a professional wig fitting may be just the ticket. I love to read your accounts of your travels. I think much of your acceptance is the result of your warm "Oh shucks" down home super friendly attitude.

[sherri]

Looking from the outside, your self-doubt is unfounded, but ten + years of this has taught me it's all cyclical. And too, don't discount your intuitions -- sometimes they protect us even when they don't make any sense. That's what I've learned anyway.

[Stephanie-L]

Kimberly, Many of the previous posts have brought up good points. The weight gain thing may be a trigger or symptom. The thing about dealing with your MIL probably added some issues. Then the fact that you have recently gone through some very emotional times (I read your blog, it was very moving), and you have a young child in the house. Plus, it is an unusually hot summer here in Texas. All of these, and probably some other stuff we don't even know about are contributing to your feelings. Have you been having issues at work? Your crossdressing is rather connected to your work, so that may be a factor. Others have posted a lot of good ideas about what to do to deal with it. If you need to take a break, do so, just please, please, do not purge. And remember, as you have posted several times, every time you gave in to the urge NOT to fly pretty, you kicked yourself the whole trip. What I do when faced with issues like this is sit down in a quiet spot, usually on the back patio at dusk, with an adult beverage or two, and just let my mind wander for a while. Then I get a good nights sleep and usually at least feel better in the morning, I may not have an answer, but I do feel better. YMMV. Maybe you need to get out your guitar and spend some time with it? These are just a few things that come to my mind, whatever works for you. One thing I can tell you, whether it is Kim or Matt, a bunch of us here do care about you, and anything we can do to help, just let us know..........Stephanie

[Robin Lee]

Ola Kim,
Just one quick quote. Ain't no cure for the summer time blues!
Best Wishes
Robin Lee

[Wendy_Marie]

Kim,
I think it has to do with your reporting of your recent weight gain and letting yourself go...get those few extra pounds off and you will be back on track to your old self again.

[Leasa Wells]

I heard a saying when the going gets tough ---- just go shopping.

[ronni white]

Is it possible that just a change in stlye will ease your concern?
Maybe try a casual dress travel appearance. Slacks, a bright color top and lower heels.

[TGMarla]

Ebbs and flows, my dear friend. Whether it's weight gain, or simple "guy in a dress" syndrome, we all go through this to one extent or another. Play some music, read a book, do some retail therapy (new perfume is nice), play some golf, or just set it aside for a while. This ain't no crisis. You are who you are, and maybe Matt wants to fly for a while. In any case, you have lots of shoulders here to cry on, and lots of supporters who still think you rock. Maybe you don't need to get up on that horse and ride again. Maybe the horse just wants to rest for a while. We all get tired of the same old thing, and you've been at this "travelling en femme" thing for quite some time now. Don't burden yourself with it. You can't force it. It has to run its own course. And one day soon, you'll feel like getting pretty, and want it so bad, you'll feel great no matter what wig you try on. Heck, when that happens, you'll feel pretty in an old floor mop. So don't sweat it. You're fine, and it's no big deal.

And toss in some diet and exercize, will ya?

[TxKimberly]

Thank you ALL for the advice and support.

Kimberly, would this have anything to do with those ten pounds you where complaining about? Tina, maybe it's just the summer blahs? I've been wanting to dress, and haven't had the time.
Tina B.

I'm pretty sure that the 10 pounds is not the cause of my problem, but my obsession with it is probably a symptom of it.

Perhaps you're exspecting something more! Go out and get a make over may help! Then again maybe you just need to hear from others how nice you look! By your pictures you are a beautiful lady! You should be proud! So keep your head up and keep that beautiful smile! Hugs!

I like the makeover idea! lol
No Cynthia, I do not need to hear people tell me how nice I look. At the risk of sounding vain, I get plenty of that from my Flickr page, so I am certainly not suffering from a lack of kind compliments.

I think that part of what bothers me about all of this is that I cant identify a root cause for my sudden lack of confidence. If I had been laughed at, glared at, or any significant negative reaction recently, at least I would have something to point to and say "Ah hah! THAT'S what started this!", but there has been no such event. Go figure . . .

I could be totally off the mark Kimberly. This is just a suggestion.
But what you describe is one symptom of depression. No, not necessarily serious depression. But if you are a little low for what ever reason then it does affect how you see yourself.

All the best, SUZY

Suzy, there is no question at all that I do enjoy periodic visits from depression, and yeah, I'd have to admit that it's here at the moment. I suppose its a gift from my mother. LOL

. . . What I do when faced with issues like this is sit down in a quiet spot, usually on the back patio at dusk, with an adult beverage or two, and just let my mind wander for a while.. . .

That sounds like a great idea, but if I sit on my porch at dusk, it will be followed by a visit to the emergency room for a blood transfusion to replace the gallons of blood the mosquitos will drain from me. They don't touch my wife standing next to me, but will bite me so many times that I swell up and sit there shaking and shivering. Don't ya just love Texas in the summer time?

. . . Maybe you don't need to get up on that horse and ride again. Maybe the horse just wants to rest for a while. . . . And toss in some diet and exercize, will ya? . . .

Speaking of that damned 10 pounds, I think I'm gonna go work in my back yard. In the process of digging out the darned swimming pool I made a hell of a mess back there. Tools scattered everywhere, cut up PVC pipes, torn down fence and gates. It really DOES look like a slob lives here. Doing that in the heat ought to help knock out a pound or two!

[docrobbysherry]

I have no idea, Kim! But, I've NEVER been good at reading women's minds! And, u r certainly one of the more "girlie" men I've ever met!

Which is why I'm sure what ever is bothering u, will PASS! Just like u usually do!

[Wendy_Marie]

Ms. Kimberly,
I am sure not trying to second guess you regarding the weight issue...It just seemed to me that you were obsessing over the few extra pounds you gained and depressed over cleaning out and selling all those wonderful clothes you had procurred that didn't fit anymore?

I have always been a believer that when things go wrong that it is a good idea to get back to the basics so try reading through some of your own older Threads and remember all the good times and experiences you have had out as Kimberly...and remember..."This too Shall Pass." as Docrobbysherry said above.