What to do when the cat finally comes out of the bag

[Darlene.]

Probably one of the best threads I have ever read is Tamara's recent one entitled, Why have you kept your CD'ing a secret? at.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=15659

The responses certainly paint a pretty clear picture of the dark side of our lives. It sounds like a pretty huge price to pay. As is seen here education does not work, because we will always have some who will run when you try to educate them. as some of our wives have done and are doing. You can not control that.

I would like this thread to be about what to do when the cat finally comes out of the bag. Some of us have traveled that road, and I am sure have some success to write about. I am interested in success from both of those who have remained single after divorce, as well as those whose wives stayed in the relationship.

Perhaps such a thread would benefit some of our sisters who are going through this as well as those who are yet to go through it.

I think it might be helpful to have some sort of plan B if you will in the event of a crisis in their lives.

I would also like this thread to be about personal experiences as opposed to what one thinks should happen?

Anyone?

[Deborah]

My wife divorced me two years ago. Main reason for leaving had nothing to do with me crossdressing or having gender issues. (Point blank she's a cheating ****)My advice to those that are married are and this is from experience from what i've read on these boards, chatting online with others and personal experience. So take it for what it's worth.

1) Bury yourself in paranoia. Assume everyone is watching you because they just might be. (kept me out of trouble when i lived at home with parents. I never got caught) example....check the doors make sure there locked....look out window to see if spouse,parents etc car isn't coming or has just pulled up.

2) Quit (Naw can't do that)

3) You should have told her before you got married. (Hypocrite since mine didn't find out until 8 months later.) She guessed since i seemed a little to eager to shop for her. Even then it didn't seem to bother her (she never brought it up...example how why you do it etc) but i still get called a fag who wears womens clothes by her.

4) If you come out to her you'll probably end up divorced and it used against you in court for custody hearings. So prepare for it. If you do stay married....more then likely she'll still throw it in your face during an arguement.

Pessimistic? Maybe...but it's the price we pay i guess

[GypsyKaren]

I understand what you're saying because I felt the same way for many years. I can't speak for others who have told their wives, but for me it got to a point where I really had no choice. After all that time of trying to keep so many plates spinning in the air, things were ready to come crahing down on me. I could not keep up a life of deception any longer. I took a big chance by coming out, but I had faith in the love I feel from my wife. I got lucky because she understands, others haven't and lost everything.

GypsyKaren

[gender_blender]

I think the interesting thing remains that almost none of these situations would have happened if only everyone involved told the truth to begin with. They certainly wouldn't be in the complicated mess in which they are now. The truth will set you free. Always. Oh well, lesson learned, I guess.

But I digress; the topic is "what to do when the [secret unjustifyingly withheld] finally gets out." I believe the key to this (as well as many situations in life) lies within compromise. The ignorant party should be given gradual education of the topic in question, starting with appropriate literature including acclaimed books and websites. The party in question should refrain from the questionable act until a more complete understanding has been achieved. A compromise must be made by both sides to reach a more logical and feasible arrangement.


Charlie

[TGMarla]

The fact that so many of us held on to this as a secret from our wives or girlfriends for so long proves that telling them in the first place didn't happen for what is probably a number of reasons. Often it's because of fear that in telling them we would lose them. Those who then argue that "If you tell them and lose them, then she wasn't right for you in the first place" are way out of line here. Live in the real world. And reality is that sometimes we meet women who are so wonderful to us, we fall in love. Yet we still have the fear that in allowing them to find out there is a certainty that we will lose them. So we hide it and don't tell.

Women have a hard time with this. Yesterday I was thinking about women being barred from joining the Augusta National Golf Club (where the Masters Tournament is played). Martha Burke (or whatever her name is) protests the "men only" rule every year. But the fact is women cannot join there because it's a men only club. No women. Dressing is the same way in reverse. Wearing dresses and other women's clothing, makeup, feminine wigs, etc, not to mention the whole breasts thing, is a women only thing. Men need not apply. Women cannot understand why they cannot be members at Augusta National, but then they cannot understand why men would wear women's clothing, either.

I hid it not only from my wife for years, but from everyone I knew. I lived in fear of the ramifications of anyone, especially her, finding out. Although she knows I crossdress, I still hide it from her and everyone else. I want to go out as Marla in the worst way, but I'm just plain afraid of what would happen to me if anyone found out. For the most part, the rest of our society just doesn't accept this. And those who think that the world is getting more tolerant of crossdressing males are just naive. The world is NOT getting more tolerant of crossdressing males. It may be chic in Hollywood to be gay, but crossdressers are still an object of derision and ridicule anywhere you go outside of your local support groups.

My wife had the usual reaction when she found out. She was hurt, angry, and mad at me. She threatened divorce. She saw me as less of a man. She asked if I was gay. She asked if I wanted to be a woman. (Yes, but I don't want to go through transition and SRS) But to my surprise, and some disappointment as well, she dropped it sooner than I expected, and the whole situation drifted back into my little closet. I didn't keep it in the forefront, and allowed it to fade away. Now it's not a point of discussion between us. Part of me regrets that, but part of me is also grateful.

The bottom line here is that I understand why some of us, a lot of us, heck, probably most of us hide this from others, especially our wives. Look at the reaction of Britney's wife. That's exactly what the rest of us fear. And it's not just the hurt they express because we hid a secret from them. My wife said she could understand why I never told her. I don't think it's hard for women to understand why we keep this kind of thin secret. A big part of it is that we are men who want to dress, act, look like, and emulate women. The women in our lives aren't down with that.

[Wendy me]

ok my cat is like 3/4s out oif the bag and we are working on it some days ae better than outhers it's not easy but we are tryng see the longer you hide the harder it becomes to come cleen abought it .. over 20 years of not fully letting my wife know every thing caused a lot of pain ..now i want it all you know a accpteing wife to go shoppind and out with her ... but thats so selfish of me what i am doing is making progress in slow small steps who knows we could get to were i want but i think it's more importin that we me and her come to a place were we bouth are comfy ... it's not easy see i love her and she loves me ... and above my feelings i need to respect hers the veary last thing i want is to hurt or push her away ....over 20 years of not being tolaly honest with her can't be fixed over night....

[Jennifer in CO]

Thankfully, I let the cat out of the bag before we got married...if she couldn't accept all of me, then I wasn't going down that road...over 28 years now

Jenn

[Darlene.]

Thanks all for your replies.

Is there anyone here who is divorced as a result of being a cross dresser, who sees it as positive, and perhaps does not wish to get involved again? Who could contribute to this thread?

[connie rotten]

When my girlfriend confronted me about my underwear drawer.I first wanted to know why she was offended at me for her being a snoop.I then explained I didn't concern her because my crossdressing doesn't concern her. When she wanted an explination as to why I crossdress I told her I can not explain to her why when I don't understand why myself. I continued it is somthing I have always done . I dress in my own clothes and I have no intrest in her being apart of my crossdressing. Sounds cold ? So what!

[Darlene.]

Well Girls,

Going by what has been posted in this thread. A very bleak picture has been presented. It would appear that unless one has an accepting wife. life is very crappy.

Well I disagree. I have been single for the past 20 years after escaping from a marriage of 12 years. And I would not have it any other way.

I present the following as one does not need to stretch a bow very far to relate it to the life of a cross dresser.

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist
complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish
and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient
to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a
siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to
see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...
I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can
help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You
can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue,
you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a
second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire
fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle
man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants
and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this
little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New
York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really
interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your
business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make
millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village
near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few
fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings
doing what you like and enjoying your friends."

And the moral is:
Know where you're going in life...
you may already be there.