Coming out at midlife

[NathalieX66]

We Crossdressers & transgenders must be a sociologist's mother lode for case studies , whether we come out of the closet to ourselves, or even out to others halfway through life.
I must have at least two dozen gay/lez friends who were already self accepting & open since their teens.....TG's not so much.

This ain't no panty fetish, it goes deeper than that.

I just find it wierd that the bulk of CD/TGTS I've known, married, with kids, single, divorced, straight or gay, or places in between seem to add in numbers after age 40. Imagine a bell chart.

Well, my theory is , and I'm probably embarrasingly wrong, is the fact that most of us get caught up in the rat race early in our lives, trying to build the future so we have one. And as a result we live up to every social expectation to get to our life's goals. Once we're there, or halfway there, we ultimately have to reckon with ourselves eventually. Everyone is in a different place, and we are all not the same.

Well, that's today's deep thought.

[juno]

It is different for transgenders because part of our personality fits the typical gender role. For homosexuals and transsexuals, the difference is not just part-time. I suspect that bisexuals often come out late in life because they are also in a mixed status. In fact, a monogamous bisexual could live happily for many years in a stable relationship and only face the gender choice when it comes time to find a new partner.

Juno

[Amanda_Nicole]

This has me thinking that I have seen the years pass wanting to go out enfemme but have yet to do it. I guess we have to deal with girlfriends, then wives, children and allowing ourselves to just do it.

[adraine]

I couldn't agree more with u on that , like you were theorizing I spent my youth not dating but working serious 100 hour weeks to build a future for myself . started dating when I was 26 ( yes still a virgin until I was 27 ).Dated a few girls married a woman .Who is quite a bit older than myself but when i saw her she took my breath away and hasn't given it back yet , believe it or not I swear I mistook her for the night jantior ,short hair , pants ,wallet in the back pocket etc . Anyway I had a full beard until I was oh probably 46 yes I dressed up but what a sight . I shaved off my beard (I had allready been shaving my entire body for years anyway ) when I had to declare bankrucy and decided I was tired of living according to some unwritten code that males strive to live to/for and now Adraine is having a serious mid life crisis not that I am considering transtitioning but Adraine gets to play alot . Hey I figure I've got still at least 30 years to wear dresses and do girly things while I still have my looks and body yes my wife comes with me sometimes to transgender meetings ,bars ,church , and I dress every night in the most Hollywood glamour nighties a person can imagine anyway I am incrediable blessed to have a wife who supports me 100% in my quest for being the best girl I can be , I had my bellybutton pierced before Pride Fest and she just shook her head Anyway yours in spirit

[Victoria Anne]

I can only speak for myself but I believe it is the same for many other girls . I was born with the wrong body,was told boys don't play with dolls and so on , so I tried my best to be who I was told I should be . It was not long before I began to try to convince myself I was the tough guy , I drive a truck for a living , am a Marine , five children and am blessed with a wife who I told about me before our first date ! She knew I would transition before I could even accept myself for who I am. We as a whole do not want to disappoint our families and find ourselves caught up in the trap of being what society demands rather than who we are until we can take it no more and we surrender to our true nature . For the record I knew I was different when I was three , accepted myself at 45 and went full time / transitioned at 49 (that was 10 months ago), I feel incredible and free for the first time in my life and am accepted by all who matter in my life , I have been married for 14 years .

[Kathy4ever]

The why's after 40 are many. Your reason might be mine. I did dabble a little through the years but I do have to say I do it more often now and think about it more. Not really sure why I didn't do it more then other than I worked or had my older kids around all the time.

[Sally24]

Makes sense to me. I made my first stab at makeup at 40, then waited til 50 to try again! That was 6 years ago and I've done things now that I only dreamed of as a young guy! My hope is that this next generation can avoid our mistakes. In my Boston group we just had our first 20 year old come out with us. She can't even get into the clubs yet, but is fully dressing and loving it!

[cyd218]

I agree with Nathalie but think (just my opinion here) that it's not just CD/TG/TSs and it's more of a broad societal problem. Like Nathalie said, from a very young age, we're swamped with imagery, stories, ads, etc., etc. that promote a "successful" life - i.e. well-paying job, spouse, 2.5 children, house with white picket fence, dog, cat, gerbil, nice car ... the whole stereotype. Somewhere along the way we wake up and realize that we've fulfilled this checklist but that we're not happy. Then we realize we've been living up to someone else's expectations of what a successful life should be and we start to re-examine what we want out of life. It's not just us CD/TG/TS's that are waking up at/around 40 ... think of how many of your friends had a "mid-life crisis" at that age and how many of your friends got divorced in their 40s. Yes, we're all waking up and starting to think for ourselves (finally!) and one of our first thoughts is "I need to start living my life for me."

Argh - now my brain hurts and I need another coffee!

[Kimberly Long]

I am 71 now and loving every minuet that I am dressed. In my life I had about 6 to 8 times I could have made a complete transition but never did. I wish I had, but I make the most of every day of my like and I do enjoy it. Good luck
Love, Kimberly

[Lorileah]

I believe the phase that fit sis "Life happens" I agree Nat, there is just so much to do when you are younger you tend to suppress it and that works until it doesn't anymore. One day you realize, life is short and you really need to be happy. Works on many different levels

[Adriennegrl]

I was just thinking of this topic. I'm not quite to mid life but agree; it's harder when you're younger. When you live at home w/ parents it's even harder. I always just wore pantyhose and hid them. When you get out, often you have room mates, another hurdle. Now that I'm living on my own and single it's much easier.

[StaceyJane]

I really tried to be happy being male.
It just wasn't right for me.
I came to the point where I had to do something now or spend my life without ever being female.

[suchacutie]

I was 55 and I wasn't unhappy. I did work hard (still do) but life was really quite nice in most respects. I just never realized how many times I had skirted with my feminine side. Life was just too full! I actually needed help and some luck so that suddenly there I was facing my feminine self. Without that series of events in which my wife and I, within 3 days, changed the course of my understanding of myself, I'd still be out there as a male while not knowing that a strong part of me is actually feminine!

So, for me it was luck, or maybe we made that luck! I think that part of the delay was that I was capable of existing in a male role, or what passed for a nominally male role, or it was passibly male and no one noticed, until that one day! The thing was, I liked being a guy enough that the issue just never arose. Now I'm just delighted that it did and that I can now learn about this part of me!

I wonder how many more of us are cluelessly functioning as males without knowing about their feminine sides, only because they haven't had that day of epiphany. It could be any of a number of issues keeping them from that epiphany: job, spouse, children, or fear of not being manly!

But once the genie is out of the bottle, there really is no putting her back!

[carhill2mn]

Hi Nathalie, I would say that you are more right than wrong. In my case the desire was always there but the opportunities to "dress" were few.

[Kate Simmons]

Pretty much Hon. I didn't go public with my CDing until I was around 54 and the kids had mostly left the nest.

[SuzanneBender]

Well, my theory is , and I'm probably embarrasingly wrong, is the fact that most of us get caught up in the rat race early in our lives, trying to build the future so we have one. And as a result we live up to every social expectation to get to our life's goals. Once we're there, or halfway there, we ultimately have to reckon with ourselves eventually. Everyone is in a different place, and we are all not the same.

Nathalie you may not be a Psychologist, but you could play one on TV because beside being beautiful you are very insightful. We build the future based on things that are going to "cure" us and make us "normal". We search for something to take away the desire that society says we shouldn't have. Careers in macho fields don't eliminate it.
Athletics don't remove it. Even love can't phase it. By the time we hit mid-life we turn around and realize we have built pretty incredible life, but that darn feeling hasn't departed.

Around mid-life you do realize that life is short and living life to its fullest becomes important. Other peoples expectations begin to take a back seat to your own because unrealized dreams are replaced only by regret. Some guys stop wearing their underwear; some start dating ladies that are half their age; some by a sports car; some do all three despite the consequences. Many sisters, myself included, realize that dreams need sunlight to flourish and the only thing with you in the closet is regret. I now have two dreams that I have been able to fulfill. I get to see the woman I wished to be in the mirror every now and then while also being blessed with a wonderful family and exciting career. It sure beats driving around in a sports car with a floozy while I wear no underwear.

[Debglam]

You know, that is my story too. Had the desire my entire life, tried an article of clothing or two a handful of times and that was it. I hit 46 and the desire hit me like a train!!! Dressed completely and there was no looking back! I think I was more scared about why the urge to dress went through the roof than the actual dressing itself. I spoke with a gender therapist and his answer was that "maybe I'm feeling good about myself" so all the roadblocks I put up to stop this side of myself went away. I thought that was pretty damn accurate.

. . .By the time we hit mid-life we turn around and realize we have built pretty incredible life, but that darn feeling hasn't departed.

Around mid-life you do realize that life is short and living life to its fullest becomes important. Other peoples expectations begin to take a back seat to your own because unrealized dreams are replaced only by regret. Some guys stop wearing their underwear; some start dating ladies that are half their age; some by a sports car; some do all three despite the consequences. Many sisters, myself included, realize that dreams need sunlight to flourish and the only thing with you in the closet is regret. I now have two dreams that I have been able to fulfill. I get to see the woman I wished to be in the mirror every now and then while also being blessed with a wonderful family and exciting career. It sure beats driving around in a sports car with a floozy while I wear no underwear.

You said it girlfriend! We hit that point in our lives where we are comfortable with who we are and where we are going, so it's time to face this gender stuff head-on. I am very lucky to have an SO who is moving from acceptance to active support so this is yet another positive thing in my life!

[Alice B]

Sounds like a good theory, but I don't know where I fit in. Had no awareness of a desire until I was 61-62 and did not act upon it until I was 64, then it was a full dive into the pool.

[Inna]

Yep! you guessed it! another 40+ transsexual/ (and transgender by the way and former crossdresser might you add) who knew at 7 and waited till 40. Or did I wait, No, hell no, I was busy telling my self how sick I was, how I shall burn at stake or worst, be condemned to some manly job, like plumbing, for eternity.

Until I could no longer keep on keeping, and regretfully broke down and decided on one of two options presented in front of me, one was to stay alive and finally be who I have always been, and the other, well you know..............

Would I wish my worst enemy my faith, hell no! I have walked through valley of death but because I have those who love me, I have emerged on the other side.

Am I happy? I am ME and such feeling was absent from my vocabulary of sensation for my entire life. I am galloping towards the light of Self and can feel warmth of happiness at hand.

I can only envy those whose strength allows them to step out into the open, and proclaim who they really are, while still being a child or teen. I had no such strength, nor resolve, but then times were different, and where I lived such proclamation would have been a near death sentence or else, a mental institutions electroshock therapy would have solved my problem.

I would venture to say that given the times we live in, average age of transgender coming out shall come down from mid 40s to progressively lower age. Hopefully, soon, medical technology shall allow for brain mass scan for newborns to tell the preexisting trans condition. Such device is already working however before its approval lots of precious time will elapse.

[Danni Renee]

I certainly think there is something to your theory. I believe in my case that I was like others trying to build this life to hide what I have felt all these years. I have found that although I have a good life, my feelings and desires have still not gone away and it is time for me to finally face my feelings and try to become a whole person.

[flatlander_48]

We Crossdressers & transgenders must be a sociologist's mother lode for case studies , whether we come out of the closet to ourselves, or even out to others halfway through life.
I must have at least two dozen gay/lez friends who were already self accepting & open since their teens.....TG's not so much.

This ain't no panty fetish, it goes deeper than that.

I just find it wierd that the bulk of CD/TGTS I've known, married, with kids, single, divorced, straight or gay, or places in between seem to add in numbers after age 40. Imagine a bell chart.

Well, my theory is , and I'm probably embarrasingly wrong, is the fact that most of us get caught up in the rat race early in our lives, trying to build the future so we have one. And as a result we live up to every social expectation to get to our life's goals. Once we're there, or halfway there, we ultimately have to reckon with ourselves eventually. Everyone is in a different place, and we are all not the same.

Well, that's today's deep thought.

I would add don't forget the part that societal and parental pressures and expectations play. Often people are trying to live up to Something and we may not know exactly what it is. But eventually we do know that there is a mismatch going on. The time it takes to fully realize this varies GREATLY. For me it was when I we 42. I am 62 now. 42 was when I began to understand that I was not the person that I thought I was and started to redefine Me...

[Jenny Doolittle]

I think life is a series of steps, in my youth, I knew I was different, that I liked things that girls did and that was not acceptable, but I still liked them.

Getting older and dating, (the teenage years )I liked girls, sometimes I thought I liked girls so much, thats why I liked to dress like them. Still so confused but no one you could talk to about it but thought, OK, Now that I am dating this desire will go away! We all know the answer to that question.

Finding a life mate, a girl that I love and marry, Now I know this will all be in my past... and for a while it was....but I was not brave enough to tell her before for a couple reasons. One, because I knew it would go away, and two, because it was so much a taboo that I feared loosing her when she knew I was a pansy, a fruit, and all the other terms that were associated at the time.

Trying to hide this side of your life was difficult, I hated lying, but feared telling the truth, so I hide who I was deep down. I am sure so many of us live like this for years, as I did, but I had to tell her the truth. I still remember that conversation, I was so scared I was actually shaking. But, I discovered why I love my wife. She had known for some time, but reluctant to say, waiting for me to tell her. She did not nor still really understands why I like to dress as a woman (Hell, I don't know either) but she does understand that Jenny is a part of who I am. I love her so much!

Of course, I agreed with all the other girls in the topic of making a living and a career. I also think there is a pulling inside each of us to be who we truly are inside. After we have our finances in order, No longer the family issues of small children, we find it easier to experence the other side of our personality. I am now happy in that I am not lying about who I am.

I believe that people are more accepting then I ever thought they would be as they discover me stepping out of my self imposed closet. I do wish I was braver in my youth, I wish I would have been up front much more, but that is now in my past, and we all need to look at the future. Life is so good when living in the truth.

I apologize for such a long post, but I think the question begs for a full answer.

[kristinacd55]

Add me to the list Nathalie......sister in law and daughters in the past month at 56

[Julogden]

We Crossdressers & transgenders must be a sociologist's mother lode for case studies , whether we come out of the closet to ourselves, or even out to others halfway through life.
I must have at least two dozen gay/lez friends who were already self accepting & open since their teens.....TG's not so much.

This ain't no panty fetish, it goes deeper than that.

I just find it wierd that the bulk of CD/TGTS I've known, married, with kids, single, divorced, straight or gay, or places in between seem to add in numbers after age 40. Imagine a bell chart.

Well, my theory is , and I'm probably embarrasingly wrong, is the fact that most of us get caught up in the rat race early in our lives, trying to build the future so we have one. And as a result we live up to every social expectation to get to our life's goals. Once we're there, or halfway there, we ultimately have to reckon with ourselves eventually. Everyone is in a different place, and we are all not the same.

Well, that's today's deep thought.

I'm thinking that another possible reason that gay and lesbian people have been open for much longer is that there have been gay neighborhoods in many larger cities for a long time. That's resulted in a viable gay/les community that supports and encourages one another. With us trans folks, we generally have never had our own physical neighborhood, and we older folks have been relatively isolated and without support or encouragement from peers for most of our lives. Our community is relatively young, as it's a virtual one, and the Internet had to mature to the point that it was easily available to all and offered lots of support options for us before it could become a real community. As a result of that becoming a reality, many of us who had been hiding for decades have come out, and more will follow. But arguably the most important result of this virtual community is that trans youngsters are growing up with support, encouragement and resources all easily available on-line and they're not going into the closet like we older folks did. Since they have tons of support, they live their lives as they want right from the start.

Makes sense to me anyway.

Carol

[pernille d]

very intersting thread. and i think there are many possable answers but some do seem very logical . i wonder what would happen if you ran this thread side by side with one of the " phases of crossdressing threads" i accept that some know from an early age about there gender and just get onwith it. but i know from my road i have traveled , i started like most dressing in simple lingeri and a few kinki costumes . Then BANG it was like getting hit by a train , i aquired a dress 4 years ago at the age of 38, from here on in things have changed big time .i cant explain why but maybe its the "reaching 40 thing"

what i have noticed to cut a long story short is i am happy with my progress but always want more and i am a little bit more relaxed to life, my crossdressing ,getting outed and going out. the other thing is i look back and think why the hell did i miss all those years when i was young , so now i am looking to get the most out of my future whereever it takes me . that i can only explain as maybe realiseing i am not getting any younger.