Love or Dressing?

[Barbara Dugan]

The other day at The Home Depot I ran across a gay couple, they were doing what any couple does at the The Home Depot when they are renovating their houses. I really got lovesick and came to realize that I always been single and not getting any younger I long to experience those kind of moments that you can only have on a relationship...But I think that my chances to find a gay partner that love me the way I am are slim and let me pondering if I ever had to choose between love or dressing, what would be my choice?...would you gave up dressing for love?

[Pythos]

This is another example of one of those questions that should never, ever, have to be asked.

But our silly culture grants more respect to real scum than to someone that has a different self expression that is not in line with narrow social constructs.

I personally have thought many times of doing away with Pythos and fall into "regular dude" mode for good. But then the ONLY reason I would do that is to go along to get along...something that too many good people end up doing.

Forget that.

[Schatten Lupus]

One thing to remember, if you give up dressing for a relationship will you be able to cope without that part of your life? Will the inevitable arguments, moments when you can't stand to be around each other, and the times you will be angry at each other giving up another part that makes you happy?
Also take into effect, there are more and more everyday normal people that are reaching the age of 40 and older that are single. And for the most part they are doing just fine without a significant other. The requirement of needing love to be happy is only a fantasy that our society has manufactured.
But only you will be able to know what you stronger needs and desires are. If you can't give up dressing, then going without a lover may have to be considered, and vice versa. But if you feel you need both, then you may just have to wait until you can find someone who will accept you.

[Pythos]

I am one of those that is entering my fourth decade single, and I am coming to terms I shall most likely never find that one. The human race is just too messed up. The examples of males I see that have S.O.s and so on just baffle me. It must be just something I simply do not have. Ah well, as I have said many times, the great maker had a lot of fun when it wired my brain. It also kinda forgot to top off the mojo tank, cause I completely lack it.

[Cally]

Do not lose faith. There are people out there who will love you as you might love them. Sure, they are probably not beating a path to your door, but they do exist. Trick is finding them and unfortunately that can be a hit and miss process.

The one thing I have observed is that it is nigh on impossible to deny yourself. I have tried a few times and the result has always been the same. I just about go mad if I can not dress how I want (at least at home). I get grumpy and no fun to be around.

I have just recently had a friend staying with me the past 7 months. He is "conventional" and not cool with me dressing in his presence. Different strokes was his take on CD. Anyway, I thought I could suppress myself for the duration. It went ok for a short while, but the other day the resentment grew so much I chucked him out. I feel so much better for doing that.

So my take home message is .. "Be yourself .. you don't really have much choice"

[LilSissyStevie]

...would you gave up dressing for love?

I did in my first marriage. In 10 years of marriage, I only tried CDing a few times and it felt stupid to tell the truth. I learned quickly that my wife was not the kind of person that you could share embarrassing intimate information with. You were going to get it thrown back in your face whenever it was to her advantage. There was no way I was coming "out of the closet" to her. So I quit. I found I still needed an outlet to express this part of me so I developed a rich fantasy life. That helped a lot. As our relationship deteriorated, I retreated more and more into my TG fantasy world. It helped me cope but I wouldn't recommend it as a strategy for suppressing CDing in a relationship. It worked so well that I didn't start CDing again until a few years into my current marriage. CDing has never been a problem with my wife because she's pretty strange herself.


I actually used to wish I was gay because I thought I could be a "bottom" and it wouldn't matter if I was en femme or not because I could pretend I was a girl at least when it came to sex. But, I could never force myself to be attracted to guys sexually or romantically. I guess it doesn't work that way anyhow since gay dudes don't seem to like effeminate guys any more than most women do.

[jennCD]

Luckily I've never had to choose between the two but I could never choose dressing over love. It's just not in my nature.


jenn

[Pythos]

I just watched two Lady Gaga vids. In her vids there are female dancers, male dancers, and Gaga herself. Guess where my fem eyes were focussed. Hint, they were not on the males. LOL

See that is my issue. I don't want to, nor should I have to give up something I like about myself for something men that for lack of a better term, are sheer scum, get every day.

But then again, the women these men get, what kind of mind do they have? What attracts them to males that well, are not terrific. (I am not saying all males are this way, but my eyes have been witnessed to several like this.

I wish people would love who a person is, not what a person is (well that sounds odd coming from a person that has a difficult time with the idea of being with a man....I'm going back to Gaga land. LOL)

[Kaitlyn26]

See that is my issue. I don't want to, nor should I have to give up something I like about myself for something men that for lack of a better term, are sheer scum, get every day.

But then again, the women these men get, what kind of mind do they have? What attracts them to males that well, are not terrific. (I am not saying all males are this way, but my eyes have been witnessed to several like this.

Success at anything in life is 90% the capability to lie in my opinion. It's no coincidence that the most powerful people in the world are known as proficient liars (politicians).

[RachelOKC]

...would you gave up dressing for love?

No. I'd be miserable and everyone around me would be miserable for it. If that's love, than I want nothing to do with it.

People think that they can stop dressing for the sake of a relationship but at what cost? There's the rub. If you really could give it up with no consequence, you probably already would have.

Don't fall for false choices that are only guaranteed for misery and don't give up hope. You don't have to stop being you to find your love, you just need to find your love who loves you for you.

[AppleUK]

Hi. I'm a partner to a CD/TG person, so I'll answer from my perspective as an "outsider". But I think that maybe in the first stage of love - when you have that passion and all-consuming feeling - the CD person thinks it might be possible/easy to "choose" love over dressing. But once you've been together a while and the passion for the partner wanes a bit, the passion for dressing is likely to resume.

-Apple

[Gerrijerry]

I really do understand the question and your feelings. Just looking around at the way people treat each other. However it must be obvious to you by now that you may hold off being yourself for a while. But in the end you can never change who you are inside. To change that much for what you perceve is love will in the end lose that love for the same reason. If the person you marry can not accept you as you are. There is no hope that you can be together happy forever. Don't give up your perfect match is out there and you will find each other.

[Marie-Elise]

This is another example of one of those questions that should never, ever, have to be asked.

But our silly culture grants more respect to real scum than to someone that has a different self expression that is not in line with narrow social constructs.

I personally have thought many times of doing away with Pythos and fall into "regular dude" mode for good. But then the ONLY reason I would do that is to go along to get along...something that too many good people end up doing.

Forget that.

I agree with you to a certain extent. But I think that at some point, you have to look to your well being and you may be hindering your happiness by not going along. The tradeoff is tremendous. I speak from experience. I spent my 20s being outside the norm and felt that self expression was more important than falling into that rat race trap and conforming to society.

However, in my late 20s, I found myself in a situation where my mental health was at stake. I cleaned myself up enough to find a corporate job, went to night school for a masters degree and ended up meeting and marrying a wonderful woman who knows and supports my hobby.

I guess what I am saying is that being balanced can be a good thing. Balance between conformity and non-conformity. Make sure you have a clear goal and then drive toward it.

[Sophiewouldbenice]

Yes, I would try to give it up, if my (so far not existing) girlfriend can not handle crossdressing.

[eluuzion]

hiya B,

I will answer your question first, then toss out some issues I believe apply to the topic, but not specifically to me, lol...

Yes, I could completely abandon my CD behavior in favor of a committed relationship, if I ever find myself in that position, which does not look very likely.

I began CDing at age 28 and although it is certainly a compulsive and magnetizing adventure, it does not have the significant impact on every facet of my life that many here seem to experience. (I am definitely “in to it now” for sure, but primarily because of the window of opportunity, single/live alone).

I compartmentalize many of my activities and behavior, like toys in a toy box. I bring a toy out and play with it until something else takes a priority. Then I put it away, address the priority and drag it back out to play with again when the urge strikes me. No single part of my life overshadows any of the other commitments or interests I pursue in life. (Except my daughter's needs, which always come first)

Having clarified that...Basically we are talking about compromise, a popular word in relationship discussions which is overused and misused.

Compromising and compromising yourself are two different issues.

Compromising is meeting somebody "half way", or making realistic behavioral concessions that still leave you happy in the outcome.

Compromising yourself is changing your "core" self in some manner to meet other peoples' agendas. It is changing "who you are". This rarely produces a positive outcome over time. A typical example is compromising to avoid conflict, as many people do in relationships. Your question is really a form of this. It is just doing it in advance, by assuming that you must give up CDing to avoid the assumed conflict of most potential partners not accepting it. (This may be true)

The problem is that when you compromise to avoid conflict by compromising yourself, it sets you up for an unhealthy relationship from the get-go. Because realistically you are now looking for an "incompatible" partner, right? By presenting a "false" picture of who you really are, you will end up with a partner that is compatible with that person (that you are pretending to be).

At some point the dissatisfaction and/or unhappiness you feel will eventually cause you to start revealing your "true" self to your SO. Your SO may be compatible with the "fake" you that you presented, but may not be compatible with the "real" you. So by initially trying to abandon or change part of your core self in order to find a SO, you have set yourself up for failure.

Ask yourself this question:
Imagine that after you are in a relationship with an SO, you happen to meet a new person that has all the qualities you desire, but also views CDing as a positive trait in a potential partner. There is always the logical possibility (although small) that this could happen, right? How would you feel at that point?

I believe many people have found themselves in this position. I choose not to ever be one of those people. Being "alone" may not be the ideal status in life, but compromising personal integrity and "who I am" simply does not appeal to me as a viable option or credible alternative.

just my thoughts...10 lbs stuffed into 5 lb bag, as usual...

[lauraabdl]

I've tried four times at marriage and four times it didn't work, 1st 11 years, 2nd 18 months, 3rd 11years, 4th 16 years and all ended mainly because I CD. I tried in the beginning to give up CDing for love and that lasted for a while then the urge came back stronger than before and each time I tried to explain it to SO but to no avail. The fourth was supposed to be different as she new early on and it was a don't tell me mor and don't show me but I'll tolorate it, if you do it in private, worked for 16 years and then she finnally told me she could no longer compete with Laura, my femme self and left.
Still lonely and still dressing now days everyday if I want to and I do.

[Kaitlyn26]

When I was a straight male I was urged by my gfs to stop doing it. I made countless compromises which even involved completely stopping. After I finally got tired of burying myself and decided to try presenting full time as female. I was much happier. I even tried having relationships with men but that's only happened once, and with someone that I had known previously as a man. He claimed to be happy about the change at first. He is a bi-sexual male. After a 6 month relationship he decided it wasn't as great as he thought it would be. I think it was a fetish for him. I was also in a relationship with a ftm for a few months. It was pretty awesome but we decided to just be friends. My decision means that I rarely meet anyone that's interested in a relationship with me, but it's worth it. I don't understand the big hangup people have. I guess it's just human nature to want to be "normal", whatever that is.

[juno]

Just remember that finding the right person is really difficult. Many people decide to "settle" on what they can get, and that would include giving up your own identity by not dressing.

Humans have an instinctive desire to find mates. If you take time to think about it logically rather than emotionally, I think that being single with many really close friends is a perfectly good way to live. Of course, I am no expert. I have been married 26 years, so I may be talking B.S.

[Joanna41]

Wow...where to start with this one? It's really not a tough choice. To give something up you love that's a part of you for something else that isn't is crazy. You will will in the short run feel happy but when the lust wears down your answering that question in your head of how you can dress being with this person. You must first be happy with who you are inside and out before you can make someone else happy. In our world today there are too many ways to meet like minded people and so my advice to you is to stick with what you love and seek out other ways to meet someone who will love you for you and as you in every way.

[kimdl93]

Barbara, lots of people have tried to abandon dressing for sake of a relationship....the experiences of this site are testimony to how difficult that can be....if not impossible. But the larger question is do you want a relationship if it means abandoning a part of yourself.

I am totally confident that an attractive, intelligent person like you can and will find a person who not only accepts, but wants, needs, desires and loves you as you are.

[Samantha_Smile]

I don't think you should give up dressing for love.
Would you undergo a frontal labotomy for love? Y'know, erase all your personality markers.
You are who you are.
If love is love then you need not change x

[jessica renee]

Being in my mid 30's, I have wondered the same thing many times. I have even wondered what it is that I was looking for. I've found that there are aspects of being single that I kind of like, but there are things that I really don't like as well.

To answer the question, no, I don't think I could or would even be willing to give up dressing for love. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone?

[suchacutie]

I think the question is a bit flawed, and hence, the answer is impossible.

True love will embrace who you are, and false love will ask you to change who you are.

tina

[Danni Renee]

This is difficult for me to talk about. I guess I made my choice and gave up dressing for love back in my 20's. I think a lot of us do that - repress ourselves for the opportunity to be in a relationship. Consequently we live in fear of losing our relationship when the enivitable happens and the desire to dress cannot be repressed any more.

I have been in a continuous relationship for 17 years straight (2 people though) and although there were good times with children and many Home Depot moments, in the end I was not happy with myself and that more than anything ended my first marriage and is impacting my second relationship even though she knows of my dressing and is fully accepting.

Looking back, I would have to say I wish I would have given up on love to be the person I should be. I think I would be happier now. But then again, being on the opposite end of the spectrum from you it could be the "Grass is always Greener" syndrome too.

In the end though, I do not think you will be happy in a relationship in which you cannot be yourself. If you cannot feel loved for who you are then the realtionship will not fill the needs in your life. It has been that way for me and I think it is that way for everyone - even the "normal" people.

[Anna Bee]

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm trying to figure out how to love myself, and dressing/being dressed is the only time that I really feel at peace. I just broke from a six year marriage so I'm tired of "love".

You can't give up dressing because you'd be starting a relationship with the feeling that you gave up on being you just to be accepted, which will only lead to resentment...