BF doesn't want to share crossdressing with me

[sara_s26]

Hey everyone. I am new to this forum and am enjoying all of the opinions and advice here. I am hoping someone would be willing to share some words of wisdom with me too.

I have been dating a guy for a year now. Just over a week ago he has opened up to me that he use to be a crossdresser. He says although he hasn't done it in a number of years that he still fantasizes about it and might want to do it in the future. He also admitted that as a way of dealing with these feelings, he has off and on for many years chatted online with men pretending to be a woman and occasionally this results in him getting himself off sexually.

I am very understanding of the crossdressing and would be more than willing to participate in the future if he would let me. He is so ashamed of this part of himself and has a very hard time talking to me about it. He says he wishes he could make it go away. I can see why he has turned to the chat as a private way of dealing with his needs. Nobody else knows but me. He is a very masculine person, says he only is interested in being in sexual relationships with women, wants a future with me but doesn't want me involved in this part of his life. He says I can ask questions and he will answer but nothing more. I told him that we are in this together and we have to both be flexiable.

I guess, all of this to say..I don't know where to go from here. I love him (all of him), want a future with him and can accept the crossdressing. The cyber stuff feels like cheating and my ex husband had an affair which makes it harder. It breaks my heart to see him so confused and ashamed when I feel like it is something we could embrace together. I need insight and advice on how to be supportive but not give up my feelings. I feel shut out.

Thanks everybody.

[Jamie Burton]

Sara,
It is hard to get out of the habits of secrecy that many transgendered people fall into. Your boyfriend has to work through and find his own self acceptance first before he will become more comfortable sharing this side of himself with you. For him, opening up about his crossdressing, even as little as he has, was an incredibly difficult and terrifying thing to do.
Your kindness and caring are to be commended. Continue to be the caring person you are and over time the doors will open a little further.

[Sandra]

Hi Sara,

This is quite a common thing that happens. They have kept it hidden for so long that it can take time for them to open up more. Let your BF know that you are there for him, also keep asking the questions, let him see that you are interested in what is going on.

As for the cyber stuff that does need sorting though, because if it is still going on then it's going to cause a lot of problems, for both of you.

We do have a forum here called FAB it is a private section were wives/partners can chat and support each other, if you are interested in joining then follwo the link in my signature.

[Jill Devine]

Good advice given already. He is in such a habit of lying, sneaking and covering up that he doesn't know how to open up to you. The covert approach is just a survival tactic. He has potentially had these feelings and impulses since childhood which almost HAD TO BE COVERED UP. By now it's second nature not to share or open up. You just need to be patient.

You sound like a wonderful non-judgmental and understanding person. The world needs more people like you!

[Alice B]

If you could get him to join this site I think he would find a lot of help.

[Sheren Kelly]

Sara,
I agree the cyber life has to be resolved. Secret relationships (even if fantasy) will poison a relationship. As to getting off while posing as a woman on line, that sends warning signals for me. If he has a sexual desire to be a woman (with a man) that is unlikely to go away.

As for accepting your BF's crossdressing, that is exceptional in my opinion. If you want to open the door, try buying him something incidential (earrings) and mention that you would like to see "her" wear them sometime. That may provide the springboard to get over the wall of shame.

[kimdl93]

I agree entirely with what's been said. I know about hiding and denying. Did it for way too long. I was finally able to talk about it with my psychologist (after a painful divorce). She helped me - mind you this took months - to say it out loud..."I love wearing womens clothes...and feeling feminine". And she helped me realize that its not a crime, nor something I should feel ashamed about. What a relief.

Later, I started dating again, and felt I had to tell my girlfriend...fortunately she was cool with it. We didn't plunge into 24/7 dressing. I mostly underdressed, wore a little make up etc. Shes been there right with me as my desire to dress has grown.

I don't know if this is the path for your bf, but he may need to get some professional help to overcome that little inner policeman that has been holding him back.

[sara_s26]

Thanks for everyones replies so far. I agree too about the cyber stuff needing to be resolved. I would even consider participating in some way. The part that concerns me is that has been his primary outlet for this part of his life for a long time. I think what draws him to the cyber stuff is that he likes to imagine being a woman..being in that role, plus he can keep his feelings at a distance when its online. He says when he was young (and most likely still) he felt like he should have been born a woman. I asked him if he thought he wanted to become a woman and he said no. He said he likes having a penis, would make a horrible looking woman (his words not mine) and that he doesn't wanna be with men..so what was the point? (again his words not mine) We have been talking about meeting with a psychologist and working on this together and he has agreed to go. He has seen this particular doctor before and feels like he could talk about it with her. I feel like this is a great step in being able to work something out together and hopefully helping him to find peace with himself. Thanks again for the replies, its great to have encouragement from people who understand.

[deebra]

Simple but honest answer: Buy him a pretty pair of nylon bikinni panties and tell him you would really like for him to wear them the next time he comes over, this will show him you are accepting an O.K. with this part of him that won't go away. Forget the psych., they are expensive, keep you coming back and they can't make his desire to wear fem. clothing go away. As he becomes more comfortable wearing girl clothing he will become closer to you for accepting this part of him. If you really want to improve the closeness between the two of you compliment him on how good he looks in panties and you like to see him in them, ever so slowly see if he would like to feel how a bra feels. You have to be comfortable with how far this goes but he will definately get closer to you. And trusting you with his crossdressing secret the web talk should go away, you are his outlet.

[Karren H]

Personally I wouldn't mind if my wife was a little bit more understanding like you but I don't really want to share this with her either. Not because of secrecy or anything like that. Because its my hobby. I get to wear what I want and go where I want without any of that "your going to wear that?" Like I do in male mode. And I don't need help... Plus she dresses like crap.... In womens jeans!! Ekkkk. Lol. Its just the way I feel.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't know how many others have experienced this; but my ex wife also thought she could handle the crossdressing. And in discussion sure; we talked about it at first with out therapist, then occasionally at home. She even bought me a dress. But then....when faced with it in person....she couldn't handle it. When we split up, she said that I'd changed, when in reality all that had changed was how she saw me. So all I can say, is take it slow, very slow. And be prepared for him to exhibit behavior that you don't expect. And remember, he's the same guy, only what you see has changed. Not him, and his feelings towards you are unlikely to change either.
Good luck to both of you.

[kalidonovan]

Sara,

To your post, when you asked him if he wanted to be a women. Its important to know that there are different levels of "needs" "wants" a CD or TG/TV might have. Some want to get sex changes, some want to transition but only partially and some want only to dress. All three types can also have different attractions. Like me for example, I just dress, tend to try to stay fem where I can but don't want breasts or a sex change. I'm attracted to women, and other CDs or TVs but only if they are more passable. When i think of a guy in guy mode I think YUCK! When I see a passable CD, well the sky is the limit.

Try to find out where he stands. Try joking with him when the time comes, and even ask him what his opinion is about what you are wearing and/or other girls are wearing. Take him shopping when you go for your self and see if he has any input.

GL

[Barbra P]

Hi Sara

Some good advice so far. I’d try and get him to join the forum. He’ll soon realize that he is not unique and there are a lot of CD’s here with the exact same story.

The main thing he/she needs to do is accept himself/herself. I think it is commendable that you are so supportive. Does your BF’s feminine persona have a feminine name? Like others have stated, maybe buying her a few feminine items might help him to loosen up with a bit.

You don’t say what part of the country you live in, but most large metropolitan areas have a LGBT community center and these places can generally put you in touch with Counselors and Therapists. A Therapist trained in dealing with the transgendered is probably the quickest, and possibly the only, way for your BF to accept himself. There may very well be a transgender support group in your area and these can be a great help as well. I recently joined one in San Diego and I was told that I could bring someone with me as support. Perspective members generally go to the first few meetings dressed in appropriate clothes for their birth gender.

I took my 28 year old Daughter to the first meeting, and my Wife agreed to go to the next meeting. I went dressed enfemme to the third meeting, again accompanied by my wife. Our Family Physician sent me to a Counselor, who in turn sent me to a Therapist in the Psyche Department.

It’s true that neither a Doctor, nor a Counselor, nor a Therapist can cure your BF from the desire to cross dress and a reputable one won’t even try. What they will attempt to do is to get your BF to accept his condition and feel comfortable being his feminine persona. That basically means that he needs to not feel ashamed about being a cross dresser. Once he feels comfortable dressed as his female persona he will really begin to appreciate having someone like you that supports her. One dream that many cross dressers have is to have a wife or s.o. that accepts both their male persona and their female persona; someone they can feel comfortable with while dressed as either.

[VioletJourney]

Convince him to join us, it wasn't till I joined up that I stopped being ashamed of it.

[Nikki A.]

Some good advice given here. Patience is the key and keeping the lines of communication open is important. I wish you both the best of luck.

[Sherry Lynn]

My wife knows and supports my CDing. She wants to accompany me everywhere when I'm dressed. However, I like going out on my own. I have a need to be doing things without her horning in. It's not that I'm out looking for a hookup, but just to be the girl inside of me. I have severely curtailed my CD activity because of her "support", and now I have started sneaking out alone. My advice is to not push the issue and give him his own space.

[Jenny Gurl]

First off thank you for being understanding and supporting of him as a person. Try not to take it personal when he doesn't want to share this side of himself with you. Society has brainwashed us for generations to believe that it is wrong for guys to have desires to crossdress. His problem is not that he was born with this desire, his problem is that society has convinced him that it is wrong or a sin against God. He cannot accept himself because society has convinced him that how he was born is wrong and not to be accepted. One of the best things you could do for him is to send him to this site, and tell him you are supportive and will accept him if he was born with this desire. Another reason we don't accept ourselves is the penalties we believe society will rain on us if we were to admit this desire. Our familes, friends, and even our jobs could be at stake. These are serious stakes, so we hide it from everyone, even ourselves. Please don't think he is lying if he says he doesn't know. If he has not accepted how he was born, he probably has not allowed himself to explore these feelings to see how far he wants to take them. Most of the basic statistics show that you are no more likely to be gay as a crossdresser as you are a non crossdresser. In other words the odds are very small that he is gay. If he has told you he doesn't want to see guys, or change his gender, then you are most likely simply dating a guy who appreciates the finer things women have worn or painted on their whole lives.

Once he reads here a while he will begin to feel less alone, less ashamed, and will likely start to share his findings with you as he discovers them himself. It may be the beginning of a new relationship where you will both share feelings and become closer than some couples will ever be. The good thing is he might have spent many painful years denying this side of himself or understanding this, and now most likely he will learn to understand himself and begin a new life. Good luck to you both, you are definitely in the best place on the net to learn and share in these ideas. Many of us have searched many sites and have settled here where acceptance is common and it is site of real people sharing information that helps each other. This site is more of a support group for me, and it very well may have saved lives or marriages.

I was born with these feelings, and knew I was different from about age 5. I have always felt feminine at times, felt the desire to be feminine at times, but felt masculine at other times. It was not until I found this site a few years back I thought I was alone in the world and these feelings were some kind of defect. I felt completely alone in the world and was very ashamed of these feelings. I didn't ask for them, I didn't want them, and wished they would just go away. I dressed a few times throughout my childhood when I got the opportunity, but never told anyone.

[Angiemead12]

It would seem that if you can show him that there are many others out there like him. The guilt and shame may stem from deeper issues like loss and rejection of his friends and loved ones. But if you can assure him that you are willing to try and explore these things out with him and give him your full support and help then he may open up to you.

[kimdl93]

One more thought - I dont think that any of us begins a fixed idea of who we are and where this is going. And even if we know what's going on inside, its hard to admit. I can assure you that 20 years ago, I would have denied any desire to dress completely...although deep down, I probably knew otherwise. And five years ago, I might have said, I'm happy to dress at home...again deep down knowing that I longed to go out fully dressed.

With reassurance and encouragement, your BF may find a fast track to a degree of self acceptance that has taken many of us years to realize. Or you may just need to be extra patient with him

[giuseppina]

Hello Sara

Someone suggested a counsellor. I think this is an excellent idea for both of you, provided the you can work with the counsellor and s/he is properly qualified and licensed by a regulatory agency. The counsellor should not attempt to judge their clients, once that happens, the counsellor loses the ability to help the client.

One other idea that I don't remember seeing in the above posts is getting your BF on here as a member. Once you, Sara, get your ten posts in, you are eligible for membership in the GG forum.

[Barbra P]

One other idea that I don't remember seeing in the above posts is getting your BF on here as a member. Once you, Sara, get your ten posts in, you are eligible for membership in the GG forum.

This is an excellent suggestion. The forum is called FAB (Female At Birth), membership is by invitation only and the forum is open to FAB members only. FAB is a place where wives and significant others can discuss their feelings about their husbands, children, siblings, boy friends, etc with others that are experiencing similar issues. You can read and post to the forum once you join, but your BF can't access the forum. I believe that for you to join FAB your BF must also be a member of the public forums. The other requirements are that you have to be a full member, you become a full member once you have posted ten times, and you must apply for membership at http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...nvitation-Only).

[docrobbysherry]

Sara, u sound like Frodo the Hobbit when he first starts on his quest to destroy the ring! With lots of positive energy but with an indescribably difficult journey ahead of u!

There's NO WAY ANYONE can warn or prepare u for all the trials u face in sharing a future with this man!

I can see SOME red flags already, tho:

That he gets off fantasizing about sex with men. And, may have online/phone sex with them also. I get sexually stimulated when I dress, but being straight, my fantasies don't involve MEN!

The online porn/sex thing can be like a drug/booze addiction!

Both of u may be incapable of dealing honestly with the addiction/guilt aspects of his dressing and sexual activities!

[Pythos]

Sara_s26,

If what you say is true, you are off the scale wonderful.

Speaking for myself, I know one of the main reasons I am single is because of my own style. People are too brainwashed for the most part to actually accept something that is different, and not "hip".

When the GG said to me that she indeed liked my style, and how I looked in fem mode, I had a difficult time believing her. Reason being is in other areas of life I have had people tell me what they think I want to hear, instead of what I needed to hear. This led to not so pleasant things happening.

I thought this was perhaps the case with what the GG was saying. I also harbor a feeling when people see me at meetups and give compliments about my looks, or even the compliments I get here there is a vieled lie. It is an insecurity, and a pervaisive one that is really hard to defeat.

I am slowly coming to realize my unique look and style is indeed appreciated, which really works for me. But those feelings of doubt still surface every now and then.

What I am trying to say here is your boyfriend may just be uneasy and having a little bit of difficulty realizing he has found that holy grail all us M to F, beings that love women have been seeking.

[Adriennegrl]

Some of us only dream of having a mate that understands and wants us to be feminine. I hope he can sort it out because he's lucky to have you

[ReineD]

He says I can ask questions and he will answer but nothing more. I told him that we are in this together and we have to both be flexiable.

The cyber stuff feels like cheating and my ex husband had an affair which makes it harder. It breaks my heart to see him so confused and ashamed when I feel like it is something we could embrace together.

Several thoughts.

He obviously is not accepting this part of himself right now, so the only thing you can do is tell him that you would love nothing more than to embrace all of who he is. I've read here many times that some CDers fear their SOs will think they are "less of a man" if they CD in front of them. You can ask him if he feels this way and assure him that you think nothing of the kind.

You can also share your feelings about cyber sex and ask him to instead dress with you the next time he feels the urge, rather than share intimate moments with some stranger on the internet. Hopefully, he'll understand.

And, as others have suggested, he can join here and talk to other CDers about this. You can also join our FAB support forum after 10 posts outside of intro sections. Just click on the link below my signature for the details.