Wow, where do I begin? A lot has happend since I last posted. My wife and I are working through things slowly. This is going to be such a long a painful process. My wife and I have agreed to work things out, because "I do till death do us part" means alot to us. Some background on our relationship is that we have only been married for a year and half. We dated for 3 years prior to that, and we were friends 3 years prior to that. A lot of things have strained our marriage over the past year and a half. I have a very stressful job (commercial insurance agent) and that wears on us. I have been smoking behind her back (to her dismay) for a while and that has strained our relationship too. We havn't been having sex but about once or twice a month primarily because I didn't want her to find out that I have been smoking (smokers breath, although she knew anyways). I would always hide it from her and lie to her about it which didn't sit well. So all these things were happening before I dropped the bomb on her. I think it is safe to say that this wasn't the ideal time. She had admitted to me that she had divorce in her mind before this even happend so you can imagine what she was thinking after she found out. It's one thing to tell your SO about crossdressing when things in your relationship are great, it's a completely devestating thing for her to find out when things are bad. Maybe that's why I have indulged myself in crossdressing so much lately, is because of the stress of work and the strain on my relationship with my wife. I don't know about everyone else, but I feel the need to "escape" into crossdressing to run from my own problems. I doubt that makes sense to anyone but it does to me.
We have done a lot of talking latley which is obviously a good thing. I went out to the bar with the best man from my wedding on Saturday. While I was out, she actually read the articles (that I got from all of you) that I had printed off for her. She says that it just made her even more upset. She said she can't believe that I could do this to her. She can't accept it she says. She said she can't be happy with me as a crossdresser. She asked a lot of questions, which was good. One questions that she asked was "do you have a female name?" I told her that I did, which did not sit well. She didn't even want to know what it was. She said that it's like you live two totally different lives. You are two different people and I can't handle that. I asked her if she thought it was ok for women to be police officers and firefighters? She said of course it is, but they don't live two seperate lives. She also asked if I had ever been in public, and I told her no. She said the thought of me going into public disgusted her.
So, where did all this end up? I began to feel feelings of extreme anger with myself for hurting the woman I love. Not just with crossdressing, but in all aspects of our marriage. I have been so dishonest with her. I have not been the husband I know I can be, and I want to be. She is the one who has always compromised for me. I never told her that I wouldn't crossdress anymore, but that I would try to control it. I need to become a stronger person because crossdressing isn't as important to me as my marriage. I said that there were other ways I could express my feminine side other than by dressing completley en femme. I asked would I be harming you if I just shaved my legs and wore womens underwear? She said it would still bother her but maybe she could live with that.
We decided that we will try to work through all of this and seek counseling. She said she could never go to a CD support meeting. She has the typical sociatal block in her mind. For now, I am curtailing my crossdressing. I still shave my legs and chest, but Britney is put away.
We have a lot of rebuilding to do and we are basically starting from the ground up. I told her I wanted to make our marriage work and she agreed she did too. There is still some anger present but I think that will disapate. She did tell 2 of her closest friends which is wierd to me because now they know. My wife hates secrets from anyone. If she has to keep a secret, then she feels that she is not living her life truthfuly. (this is where she finds CDing morally wrong because it must be kept a secret). I know a lot of you are thinking well then don't keep it a secret. Unfortunatly, where we live (conservative midwest), CDing will never be accepted. If people knew, we would be rejected by her family, and our friends. So there in and of itself, lies the true issues.
I don't know if I have made any sense of things, because I have been jumping all over the place, but I just wanted to let you all know how I have been and what's been going on. Life is still on eggshells and will be for a long time in my household. I really do appreciate everyone for caring and their genuine concern.
