Sorry for being such a noob here, but I'm not sure what kind of help I need. I guess I'm stuck thinking that I long to be more "normal", and it's not just the crossdressing that's getting in the way. I feel like I missed the boat on being a normal guy. I have friends who have no trouble striking up a conversation, meeting new people, making friends, and getting to know people. I feel a little like I just don't fit in. I'm very shy, I tend to be quiet, and I feel uneasy around strangers.
Years ago I met my ex-wife, and we agreed that somehow we were supposed to meet. Neither one of us was a social butterfly, but somehow we had no trouble opening up to each other. We hit it off, she got me to open up more, and we are genuinely grateful to have found each other. Shortly after we met we were discussing things that turned us on, and I nervously said "high heels". She tended not to wear them, but she indulged me a little and we picked out some for her. One time she was wearing them I nervously let on that I wondered what it's like to wear them, and she was OK with that. After we married we realized maybe were just a little too different from each other and going in different directions, but she never discouraged me from wearing high heels, and some of the feminine things. One of the sticking points was that I liked seeing her in more feminine things, and she wasn't as fond of dresses and pretty shoes. Maybe we both had to grow a little, but we remain friends.
Last year I met someone who I really seemed to click with, but once I let on that I liked high heels, she wanted nothing to do with it, and we had a nasty breakup. A month later I had done a lot of thinking and felt a little selfish, like I would rather have the shoes over having a wife and family. I gave it the college try, purged the shoes, and she and I managed to get back together for a short while. But then I started seeing signs that she wasn't all that mature, seemed very fixated on materialism (maybe a gold digger?), and my friends agreed that her clock was ticking big time and was probably desperate to find someone to make babies with over trying to find true love. I broke up with her, which led to a slew of childish text messages and e-mails, calling me gay and a tranny, and her mom joined the fray telling me I should be ashamed of myself for wearing high heels. Her mom joining the fray may have been a blessing in disguise; she exposed some of her lies, and my friends agreed that it's a good thing I called it off.
A few months ago, I joined a church, and I think it has been a good thing. I have made some new friends there, and it's a good feeling to find religion. None of my friends (except for my ex-wife) know about my crossdressing. I think I'd be terrified of telling them for fear of losing them, and while my family is pretty laid back, I'd be afraid of being a disappointment to them if I told them. My ex-wife figured it's really none of their business what I do in the privacy of my own home, though it does make it difficult having to hide things when my family comes to visit.
I'm just stuck with wondering "what's next?". My ex-wife left me with the words that I shouldn't settle for anyone who can't accept me for who I am, and I can't dispute that, but I fear the odds of finding that person are pretty slim.
Sorry for such a long ramble, but I haven't any idea if it's something I should find help with, or how I would go about finding it. It's so easy to say "if people can't accept you for who you are, then you don't need them in your life", but I don't want to be an island or the village weirdo either.