In the closet "Question"

[Briana90802]

What does "in the closet" really mean? We toss that term around quite a bit here and I don't really understand. Crossdressing isn't like owning a boat, we don't just go around telling people. We choose to tell people, or not tell people, about everything. People who are gay don't advertise that the are gay so by not telling people right up front means that they are in the closet? So just because we don't tell everyone we meet that we are crossdressers means we are in the closet. Frankly, I don't tell everyone that I'm straight, so am I in the closet on that?

[Melody Moore]

"In the closet" simply means hiding away from society or anyone else in your life.

And it is only your own fears, in other words, they are monsters you have created
yourself that has you believing that we cannot ever be accepted. And I know this
is true because I have debunked these types of false beliefs many types.

And I know plenty of people who wear the rainbow colours of the LGBT community very
proudly & advertise the fact that they are gay, so that is something else that is not true.

[eluuzion]

hiya MM,

good question~~!


I would define it as
“choosing not to publicly reveal a particular aspect of your personality or behavior which if revealed, you believe may result in experiencing significant negative personal or professional consequences that would outweigh the personal satisfaction and/or rewards that would be gained“.

[Cynthia Anne]

Anything that you want! BUT YOU PREFER TO KEEP IT OUT OF SITE SO NO ONE KNOWS YOU HAVE IT! Hugs!

[Joanna41]

Ask 10 people that question and you will get 10 answers. Simply put... being in the closet is a term for things about you that you haven't let out to be know yet. So in theory if you haven't told anyone your straight then yes...your in the closet on that. Pretty simple and uncomplicated answer!

Joanna

[sissystephanie]

Although all the answers are pretty good, Melody gave you the best possible answer. Being "in the closet" means hiding an aspect of your life from others, be it a wife, SO, or friends. But that desire to hide comes from within yourself!! It is your fear that creates the desire, not something from the public. And just because you haven't told anyone that you are straight does not mean that you are in the closet on that fact!! The general public assumes that most men are straight, without any real knowledge about it!

[Gillian Gigs]

In WW2 the expression was, "loose lips, sink ships". I would say that you are in the closet, if most of the world is not aware of your habits. It is sort of summed up by saying, "it is on a need to know basis". For me that is my SO, and only one or two others that you can trust not to have "loose lips".

[Schatten Lupus]

It's just a phrase that various groups use, sometimes to a more personalized extent, to show that that individual person is not open about something that goes against social norms. And it's far from just gays or transgendered people that use it. Many Wiccans hide in what they call the "broom closet".

[suzy1]

No, Melody has got it a little wrong. In the closet means you do not choose to go out in public dressed.
It does not mean you have monsters you have created yourself, it means you are just exorcising your right to make a personal choice without being pressured or influenced my other members that do not have the ability to see any other member’s point of view but there own.

SUZY

[Melody Moore]

No, Melody has got it a little wrong. In the closet means you do not choose to go out in public dressed.

Sorry, but I strongly disagree, being in the closet means hiding an aspect of
your life that doesn't fit the norms of society from your SO, family, friends etc.

And for my comment about monsters, I was talking about the fear that
often represses people to hide something like CDing or being transsexual.
What often we fear isn't real & like I said, I have debunked many myths
with being transgendered & leads us to hide ourselves away from society.

And if you have a problem with my comments, don't bother PMing me again with such
a rude comment, either agree to disagree & move on, or put me on your ignore list.

It's your choice!

[Anne2345]

"In the closet" simply means hiding away from society or anyone else in your life.

And it is only your own fears, in other words, they are monsters you have created
yourself that has you believing that we cannot ever be accepted. And I know this
is true because I have debunked these types of false beliefs many types.

And I know plenty of people who wear the rainbow colours of the LGBT community very
proudly & advertise the fact that they are gay, so that is something else that is not true.

What???!!! You have got to be kidding me!

Ok Anne, take a deep breath, think happy thoughts, and do not let yourself get dragged into yet another ridiculous and pointless argument over the "c-word."

Sigh.

[Lorileah]

a quick search of the interwebs brings up R Kelly's definition

(if you have the time try and watch all 12 episodes)

[Melody Moore]

Anne, while you & Suzy might disagree with me, at least one other person understood my points exactly...

Although all the answers are pretty good, Melody gave you the best possible answer. Being "in the closet" means hiding an aspect of your life from others, be it a wife, SO, or friends. But that desire to hide comes from within yourself!! It is your fear that creates the desire, not something from the public. And just because you haven't told anyone that you are straight does not mean that you are in the closet on that fact!! The general public assumes that most men are straight, without any real knowledge about it!

So before you get upset about my comments, realise that there are others here that also share my point of view.

[docrobbysherry]

Anne, while you & Suzy might disagree with me, at least one other person understood my points exactly...
So before you get upset about my comments, realise that there are others here that also share my point of view.

Au contrair, dear Melody! I believe there r FAR MORE of us "in the closet" than there r of u "out there"! I am "in the closet". I've told JUST ONE PERSON that knows me, what I do. And, she dumped me after nearly 40 years of intimate friendship! For MANY OF US, the risks of telling people we dress r NOT simply in our minds!

[Melody Moore]

Well I am sorry to hear that RS, but I found freedom by being out of the
closet, now I am meeting new people that truly accept me for who I am.

So if someone doesn't want me to be happy, have peace & be free, then I don't need them.

That is also the rule I apply now even to my own family as well because they repressed my
true gender identity from the day I arrived in this world as an intersex baby. Then with the
doctors, they predetermined my sex for me, but now I am truly set free. This is something
that someone like you couldn't ever hope to understand especially while you are in the closet.

I have lots of girls interested in me, and just last Saturday night I met two separate beautiful
girls aged in their mid to late 20s at our monthly LGBT party that want to hang out with me. And
one of these young ladies couldn't stop hugging & kissing me. So while you might judge me, those
that really know me don't. And being myself & have others respect & love me for who I am wouldn't
have ever been possible if I was still hiding in the closet. But if you have never ventured outside
as the real you, how can you ever expect to find real love & happiness, or have any idea what that
is really like?

The woman who dumped you never really loved you in the
first place & that is your issue to deal with now - not mine OK?

[Maria2004]

Many Wiccans hide in what they call the "broom closet".

Now that's humorous.

[suchacutie]

My only issue with this "closet" discussion is the word fear. Fear is not the only reason one does or does not do something. In fact, I hope that all my judgements are based upon choices that I make for my personal betterment.

For example, I carefully consider my diet to match my health goals. I manage salt and caloric intake, the variety of foods I eat, and the amount of adult beverages I consume. I would never consider that I "fear" being overweight or becoming less healthy, but instead accomplish my goals of good health because it is a benefit to me. I do understand that some might watch their diet because of "fear" of disease, but I reject this notion personally as I prefer not to act out of fear but instead out of rational decision-making for my benefit.

Thus, there are many aspects of my personal life that I don't share with everyone I meet on the street, nor even those close to me. By the definitions talked about on this forum in the last few months, it would be said that I am in the closet on certain items. In fact, let's face reality. We are ALL in one "closet" or another about everything! No one could possibly be so obtuse as to share any and every aspect of their lives with anyone they happen to meet.

So, I would suggest that we get away from this "closet" discussion altogether because, as the author of this thread implies, it is really not a rational discussion at all! Everyone is in some kind of closet, and I, for one, am glad of it. I certainly don't need to hear about someone's personal hygiene habits or their personal sex kinks. Please leave that in the closet!

Thank you

Ok Ok... I'm partial to leather, myself!

[Andi.Devine]

It is interesting to read that many can get very upset by the direction of this discussion. It would seem to me that the definition of "In The Closet" would be very different for each individual much like the definition of "Crossdressing" is. I was deep in the closet for many years, as I hadn't told a single person, not even my wife. I have recently shared my level of crossdressing with my wife. Does that mean I am out of the closet so to speak... It could, just depends on how far I want to take my crossdressing. If I am comfortable with only ever wanting to dress just for me and my wife in private, then maybe I am out of the closet. But if I change and want to take my crossdressing further, then as long as I fear being discovered by others, then you could say that I am still in the closet. However; if I overcome my fears and venture out into the world dressed, without any fear of being discovered, then it doesn't matter if I tell everyone or not, I would say that I am out of the closet.

So, it would seem that "In the closet" does not mean the same thing for everyone..

[Jamie001]

Au contrair, dear Melody! I believe there r FAR MORE of us "in the closet" than there r of u "out there"! I am "in the closet". I've told JUST ONE PERSON that knows me, what I do. And, she dumped me after nearly 40 years of intimate friendship! For MANY OF US, the risks of telling people we dress r NOT simply in our minds!

The majority of the fear is in our own minds. Part of the fear tells us that the fear is not really just in our minds (if that makes sense).

[NicoleScott]

For a good definition of the closet, Eluuzion (post #3) nailed it. Melody, your definition (hiding away...) is simple but accurate. Your experiences in coming out are great for you, but you apparently once again seem to have little respect for those who choose not to come out.
...fears....monsters...false beliefs... You're darned right that I and others have fears. Some of know for a fact that we would have, as eluuzion said "significant personal or professional consequences that would outweigh...". Maybe you didn't. Maybe you did but you overcame them. Good for you. Really, I mean it. But please knock off the put-down of those who choose the closet.
Your comments: "the woman who dumped you never really loved you in the first place" and "if you never ventured out, how can you expect to find real love and happiness" are ridiculous. And know-it-all-arrogant. There are things about other people that you just don't know.
Anne, here we go again!! Arrrrggghh!

[Melody Moore]

Nicole,

Whatever did I say that gives you the impression that I have no respect for those in the closet?

Have I told anyone here that they should come out of the closet? I don't believe
I have. I am only telling everyone here what the view is like outside the closet OK?

Don't you realise that I too once had fear & lots of it, hence the reason I repressed
my issues for 47 years, so don't you think that I do know what this is like? I am not
bashing anyone here, the only thing I am doing is speaking the truth as I know it from
my heart. And what I found out was that most of what I feared turned out to be a myth.

And THANK YOU for having the courage here to admit that you have fear.

And I do not believe that people hide away for any other reason other than fear, which some people are
alleging here. We hide because we are afraid of confronting or dealing with something that we are fearful
of & for no other reason. Such as being found out by your wife, partner, family, friends, work associates etc.

If you have never ventured outside the closet, you cannot know what it is like on the outside
and after my experience there is no way I would ever go back. My only intention here is to try
& help people overcome their fears, especially the transsexual community. I understand & respect
that not all crossdressers want to come out, which is fine by me. But when I hear anyone whine
about being in the closet & having fears, then there is only one way I know to deal with that - step
outside the closet & find out what life on the outside is really like if you can't do that, then seek
professional help to learn how to come out to those you care about, your wife, friends, work etc.

So please don't think that I am here to tear anyone down because I am not. I am just giving you
the facts as I see it in my own personal point of view & in hope that others can overcome fears.

What does the line say under my name? Now that should tell you what my main agenda is here...

Be free - overcome fear!

My advice is for those who want to get out of the closet, so
if you want to stay in the closet then that is fine with me ok?

[suzy1]

Melody, you are wrongly assuming that all of us in the closet are there because of fear.
Can you not get past that! Can you not see other people’s point of view?
If you are only capable of seeing your own point of view then you can not advise others. It’s as simple as that.

[Nigella]

Why members cannot discuss the closet question without it breaking out in a free for all is beyond me, yet another honest question ruined by a few mindless bigots who believe they have the answers to everything.

Sorry to the OP but this thread is closed