Most of us have no idea who already knows about any of our so called secretsOriginally Posted by Stephenie S
I already know many secrets my father has kept from me for yours. Out of my love and respect for him I have never let on that I know these things and I will be the first to gather and discard of any evidence when his time comes. He is 87 now
I am also a year away from my 80th birthday. My immediate family, which is my 2 children and my 3 grandchildren plus the spouse of one, know that I crossdress and don't care. At least as long as I don't do it around them!! My dear wife passed away 6 years ago, and she knew that I was a CD when we married! We did have almost 50 years togetther! But my own sister and none of my friends, other than those on this forum, know that I crossdress. So I have the same concerns that you do! But I don't really worry about it. We never know when we are going to die! And there are many other things that should concern us a lot more than our crossdressing!! I think the last line of Stephanie S's message is very accurate!!
BTW, I may be over your way next year. I have been to Scotland 3 times and once to London! I would love to go back, even if it is to visit my friends in Scotland!!
Last edited by sissystephanie; 08-24-2011 at 02:48 PM.
Stephanie
Lady on the outside, but man underneath!
I think it would be sad for your family to discover you led a whole other life upon your death. They may wonder if they ever really knew the true you...never get to hear your answers to the inevitable questions, spend the rest of their lives wondering who you really were, and was the time the relished most with you really sincere.
If it was me it would either tell now or ditch everything.
......wonder if LegalZoom.com has a last will/testament designed for crossdressers
"it all unfolds before your eyes ,let Merlin cast his spell" [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
What a brilliant thread! I have thought about this a lot, but am nowhere near 80 yet... I wish! I haven't any answers either, so probably shouldn't post, but there loads of instances where 'hidden lives' appear to relatives after a death... sometimes it is a case of 'Awesome! Well done Dad, or Grandad' but others will think differently. Makes me think that I should get all my 'stuff' in order so that when they find it, it will tell a positive story that they can embrace with joy, if not total acceptance?
Kaz xx
__________________________________________________ ____________
This Woman Within is Flying without Wings
I like this but personally, I hope that by the time I reach that age my family is well aware of who I am.
A suggestion, but it's only one of many. If your main concern is being discreet, and your bothered by destroying a lot of things that have value and memories; let me suggest you contact your local or regional Transgendered Organization to see what you might work out.
I have heard of instances where there was a pre-arrangement, and it was as simple as an Official from The Organization going to The Storage Facility AFTER death and transferred The Materials to others who might have use for these things. There is a Trust Factor involved, but I have found most T-Folk to be ethical, and will do what they say they will do. A Donation to The Organization would seem appropriate, and would certainly be put to good use. All you would need for this scenario is two keys, and and a joint tenancy account at The U-Store-It.
In The Meantime, you have some peace of mind, you might make some new Friends within that Group, and with any luck your secret would be protected. With a Trusted Friend you could do the same thing, but I think T-Folk would be better disposed to take care of things with the least amount of bother.
Your probably not going to be able to dispose of things while you are currently in good health, nor would you want to. For this situation your going to need help, and your going to have to trust someone!
Peace and Love, Joanie
Last edited by sterling12; 08-24-2011 at 07:48 PM.
Thank you all for spending so much time thinking about my problem and for helping me sort things out mentally if not physically. Oddly in a UK paper yester day a French woman wrote about politicians: Like old style wives, the voters would rather be lied to than hear the brutal truth, because it at least shows that their leaders want to keep a vestige of the relationship alive.
That is the basis of my quandry and phrases like eluuzion's 'significant reputation' and 'family heritage to protect' carry a lot of weight. People take pride in relationships with something special; look at the intensity of support for a football team for instance and the loss of status is very personal when the game is lost yet again. Most people are hopelessly unobservant and self centred and I just do not believe that I have sprinkled evidence about my home enough for family members to have joined the dots and discuss my foibles over the years. Sleeper spies have lived in our communities for many years without their neighbours or even partners realising who they were.
I really can't bring myself to unburden myself to anyone, in spite of all our heart felt wishes, we are not acceped by the mainstream world. So a lengthy letter trying to explain how and why as so many of you have so helpfully described is what I shall do. Thank you all once again for your kindness.
Fiona
I concur with a letter of explanation. My wife knows I am a CDer. She does not approve. I suppose she would donate everything to Goodwill if I were to precede her in death. If she dies first?
In my letter I would point out the stress of perceiving what their reaction would have been had they known when I was alive. I would ask would they have still treated me the same had they known on my secret. By the time we are ready to pass on, we pretty much know how our family and friends would have reacted to the 'coming out.'
To those of you who have revealed their CDing and had no or limited adverse effects-great. I choose to be en-femme for the peace it brings in relieving stress. To reveal my CDing would only create more stress in relationships with others. It would negate my entire purpose to cross-dress.
I really can't bring myself to unburden myself to anyone, in spite of all our heart felt wishes, we are not accepted by the mainstream world. So a lengthy letter trying to explain how and why as so many of you have so helpfully described is what I shall do. Thank you all once again for your kindness.
Fiona
But sweetie, if you can't bring yourself to unburden yourself to "ANYONE", what ARE you doing? A lengthy letter trying to explain your crossdressing (which is, BTW, something which CANNOT be explained [try explaining your crossdressing to ME, right now, for instance]),is doing just what you stated you can not do. Unburdening yourself to anyone who reads the letter. Why do you wait until after you die to burden your family with this letter? I know why. Because after you die, you won't take any heat for your behavior. A little dishonest, don't you think?
My educated advice? If you can't bring yourself to dump everything before you die, then just relax, knowing that your family will love and respect you no matter who or what you were. And you are not a "sleeper CD". If you were, there would be no problem. Apples and oranges, hon.
S
Fiona,
I tried to respond yesterday, but I wasn't hitting the right buttons. Let me tell you a little story. Back in 2006 my youngest son, his wife, and oldest child moved in with me because of financial woes. I packed up all of my goods, dresses, stockings, panties, heels, make-up, jewelry and photo journal of 10 + years in a big box labeled PRIVATE and kept it in my bedroom. On Super Bowl Sunday a friend and I went to the local pub to watch the game. After the game was over going home I encountered some black ice on the HWY turning left at about 30MPH. The car shot down the road sideways down a 20 ft. embankment across a field and abruptly came to a stop. I had just had a wreck. My passenger and I both had our seat belts on but due to the fact I wasn't applying the brakes trying to control the skid the passive restraint system didn't work and we both hit the windshield with our heads. I had a insulated STIHL ball cap on because I had just gotten my shoulder length hair cut the day before rather short to try to obtain a better job. Me being the driver, I smacked the sterring wheel with my chest...HARD.
Dazed, we left the car only to see we had hit a dirt mound placed at this sight by the HWY Dept. to keep an incident like this from going into a creek. Airbags didn't go off either. It was late night, we didn't have a cell phone, so we decided to walk home about 3 miles. Going up the road about a mile I got a bad cold chill. I had lost my hat in the accident. A few minutes later friends that were coming over to my house to play some 6 string had backtracked because we were late. We went home an partied a little bit before retiring for the night.
The next day I got Ill. I didn't think much of it I've had colds before. In the days to come I got more cold chills, uncontrollable even in a hot bath. I thought I had pneumonia. One morning I got up to use the bathroom, and tripped and smacked my head on the door jamb exactly where I had hit the windshield a few days before. I got myself up, and damn if I didn't do it again. Knocked me out cold. I was taken to local hospital but because of No Health Insurance, and the fact that I had signed my drivers license as an organ doner the Doctors were willing to "Write Me Off". My oldest son worked at this same hospital years before and "Raised Some Hell". I woke up in the hospital weeks later after receiving open heart surgery. Apparently my heart valve got infected. I recovered at my sisters for about 6 months before returning home.
When I got home I noticed my box marked PRIVATE missing. I confronted my son about this issue. He told me he had burned everything, and was embarrassed when confronted by his wife. She and her girlfriend rummaged through my house looking for a WILL. I got very IRATE with him and explained that "When you own your house, you can do anything you want, within the limits of the LAW". Don't ever search my house again unless I'm DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. Enough said.
Before I hit the (Post Quick Reply) button the phone rang. It was my youngest son wanting to come hang out with the OLD MAN this weekend. At the close of the conversation I said "I Love You" as I do with any of my immediate family. He returned the same gesture.
I guess Love is thicker than Guilt.
My suggestion to you Fiono is to live LIFE to its fullest. When your DEAD, you won't give a Damn...
April
"Crossdressing to Live, Not Living to Crossdress"
I guess that's the idea I'm talking about.
"Love is thicker than Guilt"
Nicely put, April.
And HERE, from our new but obviously pithy member MsGreen, is the best response of the lot. And it's the third answer! Pithy and prompt! How could I have overlooked this one?
You rock MsGreen.
Do something POSITIVE in your will. Do something nice for each one of your family members and leave it in your will. With those kinds of pleasant memories, you will be talked of with pleasure and remembered well no matter what your hobby.
Way to go MsGreen,
Stephie
I don't know where you dress if no one knows. I was going to point out that you could always rent a storage room. Some are air conditioned. Tell them not to send any notices to your home and sell the locker to the highest bidder. Most of the managers are savy enough to know it is your secret what's in there and don't really care.
I'm out so I don't have to worry about it, but I do understand. Some surviving family may be devistated by the news.
A far simpler solution presents itself to me. Rent the storage locker for your stuff. Have the bills sent to a mail drop with a fictitious name; if you need further security, make arrangements with them to have your mail forwarded to another mail drop rented under another fictitious name (business names are best, but usually require notice of who is doing business under that name be published locally to be legal). Do this for as many boxes, all in different locations, as you feel you need. When you die, no payments will be sent to the storage company, who, after a time, will auction your stuff. As you do not have your name associated with the space, your reputation is perfectly safe.
ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!
"The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)
Fiona, I'm getting up there, also. I have 2 alternate plans to deal with my "hobby"!
Plan 1. I'm hoping I'll give up dressing by the time I'm about your age. Which will mean getting rid of a couple of semi's full of embarrassing gear! I'm hoping the girls here will help with that. If not, call Goodwill and give them their stuff back.
Plan 2. If I can't give it up and dump my stuff, I plan to TELL THEM ALL ABOUT IT AFTER I'M GONE! I'll leave a DVD with my attorney explaining; why, how, what, where, etc. in my own words. Probably have Sherry do some of the explaining, too.I'll tell them EVERYTHING except the few dirty little details!
If they want to show it to the grand kids, fine. Their choice!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
OK guys. I JUST don't understand this obsession with telling your family all about something you hide all your life.
It seems to me that if you can't tell anyone about yourself then you can't tell anyone about yourself. Period. WHY don't you want to tell them all about yourself? Why? Clearly you don't want to, or you would. You hide this very well. Why do you hide it? Simple. Because you don't want anyone to find out.
OK, now you're dead and gone. What's different? Uhh, you're dead and gone, right? So finally NOW it's OK to tell everyone?
I don't get it.
If a secret is too shameful to tell the family WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE, what is there about this secret that suddenly makes it OK to tell after you are dead?
The only reason I can see is that you are no longer there to take any heat. I just think it's very inconsiderate of you to be burdening your family with something that you consider now to be too shameful and burdensome to talk about.
I may be missing something here, but I can not think of ANY kind of secret that I would want my father (who has passed, BTW) to relate to me after his death. Try some empathy. Put yourself in your families shoes. Just what kind of letter do YOU want to get when your dad dies? Just how many of HIS secrets do you really want to know?
For me the answer is NONE of 'em.
These "To Be Opened Only After My Death" kinda letters make good reading in a novel, but in real life? Do you really want to get one? And do you really think that no one will open it if they stumble upon it BEFORE your death?
I'm REALLY missing the purpose of dumping this all on your family AFTER you pass on. Pretty convenient, don't you think?
And, as I said before, I think your family will remember you WITHOUT knowing your little secret. Do they really HAVE to know all about it?
S
"I was going to procrastinate, but I decided to put it off until tomorrow."
A slight digression of sorts, for which I apologize. I thought about posting this a few days ago. There have been several strategies presented here. Each of them has advantages and disadvantages.
Regarding post-death strategies and "plans", my point is this...
Do it now, not "later"...you may die tonight.
Nothing strikes a point home better than personal experience.
My mother called me Thursday evening to give me some news about my only sister and brother-in-law. Two years ago they built their dream home in Florida and moved down to live happily ever after. They have two boys, both about to finish their last years of college (in different states in the Midwest). They just finished putting in a new pool in the backyard and were getting ready to party with their best friend couple that also moved down there and built a house a block away. They all retired in their early 50's and money has never been an issue for any of them. Sounds like the all American Dream, right? It was and they are.
On Thursday my BIL (brother-in-law) got back to the house, along with their youngest son after buying him his first new car. The son left quickly in his new car for his road-trip back to Michigan. A couple hours later, my BIL started getting severe stomach cramps. An hour later my sister called 911. Twenty minutes later he was in emergency surgery for 6 hours with an abdominal aortic aneurysm which had ruptured. He coded 2 times during the surgery, but survived.
After my mother called me with the news, I called my sister (about 8pm Thursday night). She was sitting next to his bed crying. He was unconscious, on a ventilator and tubes in every orifice. Three hours later, without saying a word, he was gone. He was 63.
If you don’t have your plan in place, do it now...
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
OMG, Eluuzion, I'm so sorry!
Reine
Fiona's issue has already happened and it was a worrying experience. Details...
I have spent about 6 of the last 8 years working out of the country. I left to start my most recent assignment last September. In recent times my wife and I have spent a lot of time getting our house ready to sell. However, it was not finished when I left. We had hired some part-time help and the work continued to go forward, just not at a very fast pace. My wife came to join me after a couple of months. In real estate the theory is that a house sells quicker when it looks like someone lives there. Basically my wife packed clothes and personal items and left to join me. After about 3 months, the house sold. My wife hired someone who does personal service work to supervise the packing by the movers. However, I had only taken one dress, a dozen thongs, four briefs and two girdles with me. The other 80% of my fem wardrobe was still at home. But, my wife was on top of things and had it figured out even before she told me. Rather than have someone that we didn't really know (the personal service person) supervise the packing of my stuff, my wife asked a friend of ours who knows that I crossdress. I have no problem with trusting our friend, but I think it helps that she is in the medical field and is well acquainted with the concept of confidentiality.
Where things sit for me is that my current wife (#2) knew about me from just after the beginning. Beyond her I have 2 grown kids, a father and stepmother (my birth mother passed away a number of years ago) and an ex-wife. None of them know a thing as far as I know and I don't think I would tell them. Therefore, if they did find out about me after I'm gone, it would be quite a revelation. At a time when one should be dealing with grief (I hope), I think this sort of revelation would do nothing but muddy the waters and be very confusing. Nothing to be gained at that point would be my guess. I believe the best way would be to keep things separated so that they would be easily found so they could be removed by a trusted friend. The items would be given to the Salvation Army, or other similar organization, and that would be that...
Oh, forgot to mention that I am 62...
Last edited by flatlander_48; 08-27-2011 at 08:25 PM.
Fiona;
First, let me congratulate you on a long experience filled life. I hope to reach your age looking as good as you do.
My wife and I have discussed this aspect of my crossdressing life. As a truck driver who hauls dangerous goods (haz mats in the US) throughout western Canada, there is always a chance of my untimely demise. My request to her is that appropriate items (wigs and forms) be given to our local cancer clinic. They will find good use there for people who are undergoing treatment.
While my situation is not the same as yours, I think that planning for this event is critical.
Please take the time to consider how you would like "Fiona" to be remembered and "recycled".
As for your "digital" memories, there are programs that will "destroy" all files or selected files on your computer if the correct password is not entered at start up. The hard copies would need a different means of disposal. This might mean that you would have to trust the executor of your will to destroy certain boxes marked for destruction and forward others marked for charity stores.
You would have to ensure that this executor is the only person who has access to your home when you are not in attendance.
Wishing you a long and prosperous life.
Pat
Inside every good man, there is a good woman.
I plan to live forever...so far so good.
I have three times as many female clothes than male clothes (since I dress in mostly women's clothing anyway). There is really only one maybe two people I close to me that don't know that I really care if they do know. It will come out when I go. But it nor thing. It is who I am. The two who don't know will be awful confused though. I just hope that woman or guy who gets my stuff at the estate sale enjoys it.
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
I’ve often thought about this but this thread really makes me think.
Personally I keep all my things in a Storage Room that is automatically paid every month through a credit card that only I have. In the event something happens to me the credit card would be invalid and the storage room company would empty its contents due to nonpayment of rent. I have given them fake contact information. I do not keep any photos in there. My computer has a few pictures and is password protected. My email account is only in my name and no one has the password. It would be closed if not paid.
For me I’d prefer that my family does not know about my cross dressing. They will have enough to deal with and I just do not think it would serve any purpose to have them have to come to terms with this. I feel cross dressing is and has always been something deep down inside of me; I think we are born with it and it will not go away. It’s taken me years for me to accept it; I think it would be unfair to ask my family to accept it at such a distressing time in their lives.
I enjoy the feminine side of me and it has given me many interesting moments in my life that’s for sure. I’d prefer to keep that side of myself between me and the big guy upstairs.
BTW, I’m 59
But that’s just me
margo
Thank you all once again. Somebody sent me this comment.
selling my stuff when I die
The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.....
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table
when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want
some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
