Reaching the end

[Fionax]

As I am only a year away from my 80th birthday, the need to consider the future gets more pressing. As far as I know my three adult children, their spouses and my wife believe me to be the typical male as an ex military officer, professional man, city councillor, sailing enthusiast and until recently keen skier. But that is the public side. I have a collection of well over a dozen wigs, thirty six pairs of shoes,three wardrobes of dresses, gowns skirts etc. and a couple of boxes of jewellery. Apart from the hard drives of my computer, many thousands of pictues are stored both as A4 prints and CDs. I have thirty or so DVDs; some posted on Youtube, of my crossdressing activities. None of it known to the family, though my wife may have had an inkling of an idea about it over all the years we have lived together

I still get great satisfaction from dressing en femme, in fact it is what gives me the greatest pleasure, so I am loathe to bin the lot. With luck I shall become slowy enfeebled and have adequate time to destroy everything, heartbreaking though it would be. But supposing that I suddenly fall of my perch and leave everything to be discovered afterwards. What effect will it have on my loved ones when they make the discoveries? Apres moi la deluge?

Should I care, will it leave a legacy of a weird old man, who is spoken about in hushed tones, perhaps shattering a fist full of memories?

Fiona

[bridget thronton]

My experience is that people's love for you will not be colored by your crossdresssing activities

[MsGreen]

If you can envision a revelation that would benefit the family, then include instructions in a will to that effect. That could be awesome couldn't it?

[Shari]

Though still several years your junior, I have often pondered similar thoughts.
My wife is still with me and is aware of my "hobby" so it would come as no surprise to her. I'm sure she would get rid of all the evidence in the case of my demise.
My children however, are another matter.
Should she precede me, what would I do? A difficult question with a difficult answer.
Should you or I deny ourselves this simple pleasure in the last few years of our lives or run the risk of discovery by our surviving family?
Would we prefer to leave a legacy of what we have been to them or shatter their worlds when they discover that Dad was a little bit "different"? Would that one piece of information have them love us any less?
This is something almost everyone on this forum may one day have to deal with. It's up to the individual and how strongly they feel about one versus the other.
I wish I had the right answer.

[Cathy J]

Fiona, I too am rapidly approaching my 80th. It presents a dilemma as I am enjoying my CD'ing more than ever and also have built up an extensive wardrobe. To my knowledge I have maintained my activities secret from everyone including my wife of 56 years. I am loath to purge while am still physically viable but when do you know it's time. I,too, hope I will gradually slide the slippery slope and cover my tracks on the way down.

Hugs,

[Joanna41]

While I am no where near 80 at the moment my fiance and I have talked about this very thing several times. What we have decided to do is start a journal of my CDing. Just to tell family about my life and how being a CD has been a happy part of it. My advice is to start this for yourself to leave for your family in the event you aren't able to purge in a timely manner. Your journal will answer all the questions they will have should they still not know after your passing...I would at the very least leave one for your wives.

Joanna

[Angela2me]

I am not in my later years, but have considered the same question if something should happen to me and my solution is to write a letter of explanation and put it where it would be found with my wardrobe of femme clothes.

Angela

[monalisa]

It sounds like many of us that are single or in the closet think about including me. I wish I had a cd friend who would remove the clothes before anyone knew in the event of my death. I have thought too if you had to go in for a serious operation do you purge before just in case it wasn't succesful. We probably need a fraternal order of CD house cleaners who would remove all clothing, jewelry and makeup in the event of a member's death.

[Karren H]

I've been thinking about "retirement" lately too... Figure when I retire from work I will also retire from crossdressing. And I'm growing to accept that. I've done so much more than I had ever thought I would and can leave happy with that knowledge. Move on to a new faze of life... Not as pretty but that's not everything in my life. Life is what you make of it. I'm actually more upset over the day I have to stop playing ice hockey!! Anyone can dress up like a woman but not everyone can score the winning goal in double over time! Lol.

[Danni Renee]

Currently being in the military, I am forced to think of what to do in case of my early demise. Although I am starting to come out to enough family that they would already know about it, I decided before anyone knew that if they found out after I am gone that it would be a good thing. My reasoning was that although they have great memories of love and cherished time together, they really did not know the true me and I think it would be good for everyone to see that final reveal of myself before the memory of me fades. In addition, you may never know who else in the family tree crossdresses or has other issues that they are hiding and your final reveal may help them learn to deal with their own hidden lives and not feel so alone. I wish I had thought of the letter others had talked about but since I am now out to several family members I guess it is no longer needed.

My primary recommendation, depending on your feelings and situation though, is to tell your family. My mother is getting older and I am trying my best to get her "secrets" out. It is not because I want to embarass her or write a tell all book, it is because I love her and I want to get to know everything about my mother, good or bad, so that I can continue to feel the connection with her after she is gone. After I came out to my mother she told me a few things and it certainly helped me feel better about coming out and how I deal with relationships in general - more common ground that I would have never know if she had not decided to tell me.

Danni

[Annaliese]

Have a letter with you things so that if it happens you can tell your story.

[Emily Ann Brown]

I guess I am very lucky. My Ex knows, and my two remaining kids know (Dad is a CD, just not Dad is TG). I have a fiancee who REALLY knows. And other "sisters" in town that know how to contact my fiancee and family.

Retirement????? Not me. I will be the "hot babe" in room 137 in the nursing home...HAHAHAHAHAHA!


Em

[BLUE ORCHID]

At four months short of my sixtyninth birthday That's something that is aways in ihe back of my mind
should I start thining out my closets now or wait till later.
I know that there will not be room for everything in the nursing home.

Orchid

[GingerLeigh]

You're in a bit of a pickle. So your question is what legacy will you leave behind? Nobody will be given the time or opportunity to wrap their heads around your crossdressing, they will simply find your extensive stash of women's apparel and jump to their own conclusions. Your memory of a stellar Military career and public service could be tarnished if not completely overshadowed by your "hobby". You won't be there to explain, or defend your honor and your memory will be what they make of it.

What if you don't fall off the perch and (heaven forbid) you find yourself in a retirement home? Enfeebled as you put it, and again unable to defend yourself when they confront you with their discovery.

I think of these things all the time. I'm not old enough to worry about the home, but anything can happen in my career and I could easily find myself either seriously hospitalized or meeting an untimely death. What should we do? I'm working on telling my wife outright. I'm at the point now where I'm pretty sure she has more than an inkling about it. My parents also know. Now I'm not suggesting you tell anyone, (though that may be the best option) rather you should leave a note wherever you hide your things in case of untimely death or accidental discovery. Maybe even write it in your will. How about reducing your sizable stash so you may be able to place it into a lockable chest or something? This way, only one person needs to know and can dispose of it in the event of your death.

Ginger

[kimdl93]

You know, its possible that your family will accept this unique atribute as just another illustration of what a special person you have been. In some ways, they may be saddened that you felt obliged to keep this secret for all these years.

I was outed by my ex during the heated period of our divorce. MY CDing hadn't been an issue during the marriage, but anger affects people's judgement and she went to considerable lenghts to tell my kids, friends and extended family. In the end, it kinda back fired, because I have never gotten the feeling that anyone held this against me and the indiscretion on the part of my ex lowered her in the eyes of many friends and family members. Bottom line is that now, 15 years later, I don't feel I've lost anything by this revelation.

[Sara Jessica]

Tough scenario. All I can think of is to pick one trusted family member to be your "spokesperson" of sorts. Someone who can do the following one and/or two things...

1) Access your stuff at the necessary time for stealthy removal.

2) If necessary (as in stealth didn't work so well), be the conduit to the rest of your family to explain what this whole thing meant to you, that it didn't affect your relationships, obligations, pursuits, that it was simply another facet of your being.

Of course if you pick the wrong person, the cat comes out of the bag and you'll find yourself explaining to all concerned.

Regardless, it's still a tough call and it still could be some years away when this becomes a factor (though planning is always a good thing). They say 80 is the new 60!!!

On to a lighter note...

I've been thinking about "retirement" lately too... Figure when I retire from work I will also retire from crossdressing. And I'm growing to accept that. I've done so much more than I had ever thought I would and can leave happy with that knowledge. Move on to a new faze of life... Not as pretty but that's not everything in my life. Life is what you make of it. I'm actually more upset over the day I have to stop playing ice hockey!! Anyone can dress up like a woman but not everyone can score the winning goal in double over time! Lol.

I scored a GWG from the blue line in single OT, does that count???

I just cannot picture "Karren" riding off into the sunset at your retirement. Retirement means more time, more opportunity. You seem to have resolve but you know this thing is not something you simply decide to shut off like a faucet.

[ReineD]

There was another thread about this recently. I think you should write a long, heartfelt letter, seal it with instructions that it should be opened only after your death, and put it where it will be found. You should talk about who you are and why you kept this hidden. Try to talk about your feelings as you navigated through your life with the CDing and your own struggles with self-acceptance if you did struggle.

Your family members will appreciate hearing your truth, rather than being forced to fill in the blanks by themselves.

I do have a question though. Where do you keep all your stuff?

[JenniferR771]

A good letter is a good idea. Put it with your stash of girly stuff--and another copy attached to you store of hidden CDs. There is good flexibility--you can change it anytime you want if you need revisions. Perhaps file a copy with your will. But also did you consider revealing your passwords? So your survivors can read your comments on here and other sites? And perhaps sign off for the final time? See your online photographs. Perhaps delete your online photos, if they wish or as per your instructions.

[Sally24]

This is just one more downside to being totally closeted. If any of you have friends that are CDs you might get them to meet the family in drab and have them appointed to clear out your stuff. Sort of like the "porn buddies" from the show Coupling only this one would come in and clean out another kind of stash. Another possibility is to rent a storage unit and keep most if not all your thing there. You could have instructions for a lawyer or friend to have it emptied upon your death. Some TG groups offer closeted members storage space and changing areas.

As a backup, an involved letter describing your life might be a good insurance policy against family misunderstanding what they find.

[eluuzion]

hiya Fionax,


First rule of living in a "floodplain" is to move. Second rule is to own two life rafts. Third rule is to have flood insurance. Fourth rule is to always have contingency plans for Rules #1 - #3.

This issue is a personal issue which can only be answered by our conscience.
Many people have the "I'm dead, who cares" philosophy. It has a lot of merit if your family works that way. Mine does not. I have some significant reputations and family heritage to protect. I feel obligated to do my part to insure that the integrity remains intact. There is nothing to be gained by anyone in exposing what I have chosen to keep confidential while I was living. The reasoning behind keeping it confidential does not die when I do.

I have planned accordingly. Aside from a few legal details which will not be disclosed, here is a "hypothetical" sample "plan" I may or may not choose to actually enact in real life.

I have a trustworthy friend. I have another close friend that is my attorney. I have a bank safe deposit box under a different "family" member's name. In that box is a set of keys/cards to all of my personal and confidential "business", house safe and to my house. There is also a legal document granting my friend permission to enter my property after my death. It also lists a few (of my) "personal" items...i.e..."skeletons" that I state belong to him. (If he gets caught at my house). His name is listed on the access card, but he does not know the name of the bank or box holder. My attorney knows the name of the bank and the name of the box holder.

In the event of my death, my friend will immediately contact my attorney, who has legal authority to release this information to my friend after confirmation of my death. My friend knows to contact my attorney immediately after learning of my death, as time is of the essence when a death occurs. The rest is simply a "fire drill" carried out by my friend to "cover my a$$"...hopefully...with 100% success. I believe this "hypothetical" plan would work very well, hypothetically speaking of course...

There are a few missing details here (intentionally absent), but that is the general procedure for a "hypothetical" sudden death scenario.

*this is a hypothetical scenario. I am not a licensed attorney so it is not intended to be construed as legal advice. Everything here is to the best of my knowledge, legal activity. I am a law abiding citizen.

Good Luck!
See ya' on the "other" side...if there is one...

[Roberta Young]

Fiona, you misprinted your age, 39 right? as for your family finding your pictures and postings i believe it will not make dent on how your family views you at your time. Familys then to remember the strong and wonderfull man you were. the good things. Your dressing should be viewed as just a little different. heck my wife promised to put a lipstick in my pocket when my time is up. hope it doesent melt where im going. dont worry and dont appoligize for what GIFT we were born with. luv Roberta

[larry]

I worry enough about it while I am still alive. Not gonna care when I die. And whenever this comes up it seems to assume there are NO closets in other peoples lives. Sorry but "I " have yet to meet the perfect person.

[suchacutie]

Well, there is the chance that much of your family will be impressed that you look terrific and were able to keep it private, that is all except you wife who might just be livid.

But there is a way out. I assume that with your extensive collection it is in a separate dwelling from that of the rest of your family. If not, and you move all of this material to a secured location, you could leave instructions with your lawyer (soliciter) or another lawyer that upon your death all this material should vanish in a method you describe in the letter. This gives you confidentiality, it's paid up front, and the security to know it will be done without anyone else's knowledge.

In many ways it would be easier to confide in a family member that you trust (a young family member!), but since you have been stealthy all this time, a little more stealth probably wouldn't be an issue.

good luck.

tina

[JohnH]

This is just one more downside to being totally closeted.

I agree with Sally about the downsides of being closeted. I don't have the problem of keeping my crossdressing a secret when everybody knows about it. I have blackmail-proofed myself by not keeping my crossdressing a secret.

Look at Stu Rassmussen, mayor of Silverton, Oregon. He has breast implants and long hair. He wears dresses, purses, and heels openly. He says he has blackmail-proofed himself.

[Stephenie S]

Reine wrote:

There was another thread about this recently. I think you should write a long, heartfelt letter, seal it with instructions that it should be opened only after your death, and put it where it will be found. You should talk about who you are and why you kept this hidden. Try to talk about your feelings as you navigated through your life with the CDing and your own struggles with self-acceptance if you did struggle.

Your family members will appreciate hearing your truth, rather than being forced to fill in the blanks by themselves.

While I usually agree with Reine, I think that from MY experience all this cloke and dagger stuff is totally unnecessary. I am, by profession, a geriatric nurse. I deal with the families of dying patients on a near daily basis. Granddad's funny or kinky habits are absolutely the furthest thing from ANYONE'S mind when it comes time to pass on. And what to do with his stuff? I know very few (read none) families who meticulously examine all of granddad's stuff. Most take it straight to the dump. And could you really be so naive and full of your own self importance to imagine that after all these years your "secret" hasn't leaked out a little bit? Or that anyone could really care after your death? Come on. Get over yourself. Your family will miss you and grieve your passing whether you are an ex (remember, you're dead now) crossdresser or not.

"OMG, granddad was a crossdresser! The family name is ruined." Not. Doesn't go down that way at all.

"OMG, garnddad's dead. Now I can finally throw out all that stuff he collected." is far more likely a scenario.

S