For all those who are main streamed and out, I have a question.

[DanyaKay]

At what do those of us who are closeted go ahead and take the next step? What is the next step? Some kinda sex with a man? Going out into public? Looking into hormones? etc?

For the record, I cannot pass because I refuse to shave my 'stache. BUT if I did.....
I may be interested in any or all of the above. I am almost at a point I do as I wish and things are creeping into the brain. I think there are some of us who want to ask and there are some who have knowledge/wisdom to pass on. So how/when did you grow?

[AllieSF]

What is the next step obviously varies by individual. The next step for closeted persons, if they just have a fear of going out and really do want to go out, would be to somehow get out and experiment with being with the general public exposing their own vulnerabilities. So, that might just be getting out of the house for a walk in a park, or around the block late at night, or maybe a drive in the car with a stop at a faraway fast food drive through for something to eat or drink. If someone has more courage it just maybe a solo or with friends shopping trip or night out to a T friendly club/bar. To want to have sex with a man to me is a very big stretch, if one has not yet overcome their own fears of getting out of the house. Hormones should never enter the picture unless one has been in therapy and has been clearly diagnosed as a transsexual. I know how easy it is to fantasize about the next steps, but keeping your feet on the ground and your common sense about you will permit you to enjoy the little steps safely and comfortably before taking some of those big steps into the unknown like hormones and sex. For me, being able to go out when and where I want has opened up all kinds of different things to do and see. I never seriously think about hormones because that isn't me. I still have a lot of exciting challenges for me on my en femme bucket list and look forward to the opportunity to experience them and check them off the list. I also enjoy adding new things to the list.

So, my recommendation is go for the little steps to build up your confidence while avoiding potentially bad experiences and then move forward from there. Good luck.

[Eryn]

Everybody is different. I think my "next step" was simply learning as much as I could about CDing so I could better understand myself. I read the forum and talked to my wife quite a bit about it. The conversations really helped me.

I had the 'stache issue too. Didn't want to get rid of it. Finally shaved it off and was amazed at how much better (younger) I looked in guy mode. I'm getting laser now!

[docrobbysherry]

We're ALL very different, Danya! Some girls take baby steps, some skip 2 at a time. Some take a short cut and use a LADDER!

For me, it's been getting out to CD events! And taking Sherry with me!

-------------------I had the 'stache issue too. Didn't want to get rid of it. Finally shaved it off and was amazed at how much better (younger) I looked in guy mode. I'm getting laser now!

Yeah, I'll be shaving my beard and stash off for the SCC. Only in my case, when it's off, I look 10 years OLDER! Eek!

[Cynthia Anne]

The next step is whatever you want it to be and are comfortable with! Baby steps come to mind! Hugs!

[Jason+]

Danya,

It sounds like you are trying to put them all into a neat and orderly required progression from one to the next. Wearing a dress whether in public or not doesn't require or exclude sex with a man. Hormones may not be the thing for you if you are not TS.

Aside from the hormones (I can't pretend to know enough about them to give you advice other than seeking a doctors care if you think you need them) maybe pick one of the other things you might want to try as your next step.

The time to take whatever you decide as the next step is when you are ready to, and ready to accept the good or bad that may come with it. A growth point for me personally was not changing out of my skirt or dress to go out of the house and realizing for the large part nobody cares all that much.

[thechic]

My next steep was definity not having sex with a man.
But just wanting to being excepted as a woman,wanting to be a woman so badly.started with the hair removel, and the whole feminising thing,then moved on to seeing a theropist then telling all my family and friends and work then going out in public,then the hormones.
Found it easy to go out in public as i can pass 9 out of 10 times.this happed over serval years but that is me,But everybody is different

[Melody Moore]

The next step is whatever you want it to be and are comfortable with! Baby steps come to mind! Hugs!

I like Cynthia's response here most of all because the first thing you need to realise is that we are
all different, how things went & worked for me might not be how things will go or work for you.

We know ourselves better than anyone else, so it is only us who holds the answers to our problems.
You know what hurdles you need to overcome, but if you have problems in doing that, then I would
urge you to find a transgender friendly therapist (pyschologist) and get some help to explore your
gender identity issues & your emotions or feelings. But to get the best help you have to be 100%
upfront, open & totally honest with them so they can get to know & understand the real you. And
only then you know what baby steps to take to negotiate your way around any hurdles that stand
in your way.

But my suggestion is lose the 'stache' for a start because I think this could be a security blanket for
you that you are also refusing to let go of because it is a mask of your real true identity that is hidden
within. The reason why I feel that this is important because you made the point of mentioning this in
your very first post.

I suffered badly with GID, especially as a teenager when my body started to be affected by testosterone.
But I was confusing to other people who looked at me - many people always thought I was a girl, but on a
closer look then they realised I was a male. It took me years to finally grow a good 'stache' to try & stop
that sort of thing from happening because of my intersex condition which meant I it took me a long time to
grow facial hair. Once I got it, I too never wanted to shave my stache off, but did it occasionally but would
grow back quickly. I eventually got rid of it for good around the age of 35. Until I could grow a proper stache
I used tattoos as my security blanket, which I know now that I wore to mask what was really hidden within.

So I think this would be one of the most important steps that you could take towards accepting your true self.

[ReineD]

You should try to find a gender support group next; a place where you can express yourself among people who will accept you. You'll get to meet others, talk, ask questions, learn, make friends.

Many support groups have a changing room on the premises for CDs who don't feel they can leave their homes dressed. My SO attended a support group for years before she felt comfortable enough to go out elsewhere. After the support group when she was ready for more, she started going to GLBT clubs to just hang out and watch the DQ shows. People there are open to CDs.

Anyway, her presentation was evolving during this time, with pierced ears, trimmed eyebrows, body shaving, better skilled at makeup, etc. And then she started going to cafes, bookstores, restaurants, movies, art galleries, shopping, anywhere, really.

She doesn't go to the support group much anymore, and the local GLBT club got really boring for both of us, and also she is not TS so she will not take hormones, nor is she attracted to men.

[Loni]

seek a good transgendered counsel. sex with a man is not a step for anyone. you need to find your own needs and way, have you ever spent a day out shopping infem? been to a park? zoo? etc?

there are many things one can do, but there are no "required" steps.

now if you want to do hormones then yes there are things that must be done first. but having sex is not one of them. that is a personal thing.

.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Reine, This is for you.

In your , find a gender surport group. where you can express your self with others of like mind & or accept you.

This is were my difference was / is. now you must remember i do have many dresser friends over in Austraila, who i know met. spent time with.

& i have a few in ch ch = christchurch ..

i did not need to be with any dresser's or trans people because, of being both M & F . so i was allready with in groups of woman womens center & i had allready spent time with them . so even before then i was accepted ,by women.

When i did after some time of asking if there were any trans groups as i had never related to or with men..when i did find the group in ch ch , i wondered why i was not able to fit in , in a way people do in a group. so after a few times i said to Jos im not fitting in & we both pretty much said the same thing .......it's not a put down ........i said i spent most of my life trying to keep away from men & what did i do walk straight back to a group of men....i knew it , just i thought as a woman & these guy's where trying to be ...like women...oh dear nothing changed or had,for me that is,

Some of the things came up were i was trying to go in to a mans world , even with another group all men it became unbearble the guy's were nice nothing at all about them just who i am tho 3 would just talk with me & had no concerns that i was a woman a real one so some times we think we can be some thing we are not . what im very surprised with is how i survived in the mens world, to tell the truth .

Im not saying that i dont now i get on quite well tho i have had to work on things as a woman to be able to do that.

of cause some men i have known over many years being in the building sector & they have been great. if this was about acceptance then they of cause have not ever had an issue with me . so in some ways as you look at two sides of my self im accepted in a far greater way than ever before...

I'd better clear up a little matter i was trained by men so can talk about cars trucks & heavy gear. well i had to work with in those trades. & fix them plus farm work & lots of other ....mens ..... work. so i did have to be strong enough even if i was a woman...in disguies . you just gota be bent to do that,,,,,,he he .....

Thanks Reine you just stirred up a bit of my past. & thats in a nice way..xxx.

...noeleena...

[Rianna Humble]

At what do those of us who are closeted go ahead and take the next step? What is the next step? Some kinda sex with a man? Going out into public? Looking into hormones? etc?

IMNSHO, the two best answers so far are Cynthia's advice that the next step should be whatever you are comfortable with, and Reine's advice to look for a support group, but I would like to examine the next steps that you proposed a bit further.

Should your next step be sex with a man? That depends on your sexuality - if you are gay or bi, then by all means consider sex with a man, but that has nothing to do with your cross-dressing.

Should you be looking into hormones? I know some people say that there is nothing wrong with a man taking hormones whilst wanting to remain a man but I disagree. Hormone Therapy will make major changes not just to your body but also to your mind. If you want to remain a man, why do you want to make your body look more feminine and to mess with your mind? On the other hand, if you are transsexual and want to transition, then my advice would be to discuss this with a therapist who is qualified in dealing with transgender patients as soon as possible.

Should you be going out in public? Many will answer a definite yes, but I prefer to reply with a definite maybe. If you are heading for transition, then you will inevitably have to go out in public at some stage since the Real Life Experience is 24/7. If you are not transsexual, then it is up to you whether you go out in public. Those who have ventured out generally find that it is a positive experience that enhances their love of cross-dressing, but some CDers have legitimate concerns and will never take their dressing outside of the home and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[linda allen]

At what do those of us who are closeted go ahead and take the next step? What is the next step? Some kinda sex with a man? Going out into public? Looking into hormones? etc?

For the record, I cannot pass because I refuse to shave my 'stache. BUT if I did.....
I may be interested in any or all of the above. I am almost at a point I do as I wish and things are creeping into the brain. I think there are some of us who want to ask and there are some who have knowledge/wisdom to pass on. So how/when did you grow?

Lots of good advice has been given, but in my opinion, the next step for you is to shave. Going out in public as a "man in a dress" just stirs up folks who cannot accept people who are different.

[kimdl93]

The last question you posed was how and when did you grow? As you probably have noticed, each of us takes a different path and speed. And I'd venture to say that most of us evolved - there probably wasn't much thought involved, at least early on. Rather, we responded to a desire, gave in to a craving, maybe were driven by obsession.

But at some point CDing may become a more deliberate act. For me, that's when I was no longer satisfied with wearing undies and stockings. Basically, when I decided that I wanted to be fully dressed and wear make up. Selecting and buying clothes, learning make up techniques, learning to walk in heels - those all require planning, money and practice; and a consious decision that one begins to present herself as female. And for me, the next big step was wanting to experience life outside the confines of my home - to be out among the living. Not everyone chooses that path either.

These are the outward trappings of something going on inside. Many of us begin this life with some attraction to things feminine. Often we've been tormented by shame for who we think we are, and live in fear that our shame will be revealed to others. If we're lucky, we'll find understanding friends, partners or get professional help that can get us past the shame and move us towards a greater self awareness and greater self acceptance.

[renee k]

I've been on the road to being me for a long time. It's been a progression of bringing myself to realise who I am down deep inside. To changing my body to agree with who I am on the inside. And finally functioning as that person in soceity.

Renee

[JamieG]

I don't mean to be glib, but "The next step depend on where you are trying to go." Not all of us are on the same journey: by being on crossdressers.com we might share the same road for a while. I don't think anyone can suggest a next step until we know what you want to achieve. Many of us do not want to have sex with men nor take hormones, although certainly some do. And let's not even get into the whole closet vs. public debate here...