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Thread: Shes not so accepting after all.

  1. #1
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    Shes not so accepting after all.

    So, we had the crying wife talk last night. As it turns out, she hasn't really accepted me dressing. For the past 3 years she's been trying to accept it. And, she finally decided that she couldn't do it. She asked me to start looking for an apartment. I said no. She feels like she's holding me back from being who I truly am. I disagree. The last statement this morning was "we'll just have to work through it". Before that there was "You need to move out", "I'll get counseling to accept it", I'll get counseling to quit", and "you can ignore it and I'll hide it". Soooo, unsure of what to do.

  2. #2
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    I say go for the counseling to get her real concerns on the table in a way that you can understand and to maybe help with the communication between you two. I know that it must be frustrating and difficult for you, but if the relationship is worth it to you, extra work is needed by both parties. By improving the communication process (i.e. being able to talk about a tough issue in an adult manner with bot sides keeping their cool) you will learn what bothers her and may be able to find a way to minimize that issue and concentrate on the good parts of your relationship. Good luck.

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Danni Renee's Avatar
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    This is one of my biggest fears with my SO. I hope you can work it out.

    Danni
    I'M FREE, I'M FREE! I GET TO BE ME!

  4. #4
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    Well I'm not therapist but I'd say go buy a great pair of hose, a 50.00 bottle of fine wine and enjoy the house for a few hours. If it's all gone then no biggy. If there is arguing then share your wine, as it's probably over. Life goes on, might as well not sweat it. Right?
    Last edited by *Vanessa*; 11-23-2011 at 04:04 PM.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    Sometimes in a relationship there are roadbumps, you both have to be willing to see if you can work things out. Counseling is a good start. Making rash promises is a bad start. You may both end up establishing boundries that will help you through thist time. Too many times people give up on relationships without trying. Examine yourself first, see if you have changed any patterens in your relationship with your spouse that are concerning for her. Too many times a crossdressing spouse becomes absorbed in the dressing and ingnores the relationship. You haven't posted much to allow good advice to be offered.
    Kelly DeWinter
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  6. #6
    Silver Member DanaR's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter View Post
    Sometimes in a relationship there are roadbumps, you both have to be willing to see if you can work things out. Counseling is a good start. Making rash promises is a bad start. You may both end up establishing boundries that will help you through thist time. Too many times people give up on relationships without trying. Examine yourself first, see if you have changed any patterens in your relationship with your spouse that are concerning for her. Too many times a crossdressing spouse becomes absorbed in the dressing and ingnores the relationship. You haven't posted much to allow good advice to be offered.
    But your advice was good never the less. I'll add, carefully think about and never say anything that you might regret later.
    Dana Ryan

  7. #7
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    I say divorce her and be happy.

  8. #8
    Paulette-Passion FurPus63's Avatar
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    I am a mental health counselor/therapist (cat's out of the bag!) and here's what I think. Marriage and individual therapy for both of you. The individual stuff will help you find what this is all about and how far you're really going to go with it. It also will help you to accept yourself more, build confidence in what you're doing is the right thing, and get the opinions of an objective observer. She too will be able to get all that for herself. The couples therapy will help you to learn communication skills to build the relationship and make it more honest. Whatever the long-term effects are; whether you stay together or break apart, you'll be better off because of the work done in therapy. Of course that's the opinion of someone who is a therapist. Not everyone likes it and hardly anyone sticks with it long enough to do any real good, but if you do, it can be very benneficial.

    Paulette

  9. #9
    Member AnitaH's Avatar
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    I really can't add to what Paulette has said, she's the professional, but its good advice nonetheless. I hope things go well for you both.

    AnitaH

  10. #10
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    Interesting, Paulette is a therapist? The posts leading up to it would never seem that way. Ah well.. Good advice anyways, and good luck!

  11. #11
    Member Marissa333's Avatar
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    I hope you two are able to get through this. I agree with the counseling advice. If for some reason it does not work out, we will be here to help you through it.

  12. #12
    a guy in a skirt KimberlyS's Avatar
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    I will agree with what Paulette says also. Counseling is a great tool to work through things within your self and to open communication within a relationship. But I will add that counseling only works if you are both open and honest and work on the issues. It will not work if one of you is not open, honest and working together.
    KimberlyS-CD
    joe in a skirt. Being myself not trying to be some other CDer
    Just trying to find a balance for my son and myself.

    Standard disclaimer: Going out of the house was right for me, it may or may not be right for you. If you've got no desire to leave the house, that's fine, I'm not trying to push you out the door. But for those who've been yearning to do so, I just want to let you know the world may not be as scary a place as you think.

  13. #13
    Carla Heracane Missy's Avatar
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    Ok I promise to keep my big mean rude mouth shut and will not say anything ugly on the open form but if you think you can handle the true them PM me and I well let you have it no holding back no sugar coating.
    WHEN IN STRESS WEAR A DRESS
    BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF IT ALL YOU GOT

  14. #14
    Previously GraceAnne
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    Please remember that those with the 'leave her in the dust attitude' are NO LONGER MARRIED (or never have been). If that is what you want, then by all means, listen to them.

  15. #15
    Member marlacd's Avatar
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    Sounds like my situation. Go with the counciling, before your wife refuses to go. Mine did, and now I'm free to do what I wish.

    How you feel about being married, and being a CD, can be a very big issue in your life. What you decide to give up is a life changer. I'm firmly convinced, in my case, was that I was going to be so smothered by my wife wanting me to be a "manly man", that I would have no time to be me, at all. And not in a "time to crossdress" sense. She would monopolize my time, so badly that it would stop me from doing anything, except to cater to her. It took me quite a while to figure that one out. And, when I did, did I realize what I missed out on, in life. I haven't yet decided if I am so soured on women, that I don't want another one.
    One good thing came out of my divorce. I can now decide what I want to do. I don't have to anwser to anyone, in my choices.
    Good luck with your choice. I hope it's the right one for you.

  16. #16
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I'm with Paulette and Allie. See a counselor. She may not change her mind about this. But, for both your sakes, you and she need to know exactly what is bothering her. Did she grow up in a homophobic environment? Does she have a moral objection to it? Is she afraid of what others will think? Does she think you want to transition? If she can name her fears, then there is hope she can do something about them, or at least work out some compromises with you.

    Or, are they more irrational fears stemming from insecurities and a lack of understanding of the CDing, such as feeling that you don't love her, you want men, she is not enough for you, or she feels abandoned by you? (I'm assuming here that you're not lost in a pink fog and that you don't spend the bulk of your free time on CDing activities or online). Or possibly she doesn't know how to conquer her fears and as she says, she feels you will be happier without her?

    If she wants to, she can change just about all the fears and concerns, with your help: compromise and lots of communication, lots of reassurance, so that she can reach a deeper understanding of what all of this means. If her fears are rooted in religious beliefs they may be more difficult to overcome.

    Or ... are there other issues in your marriage that need working on, and the CDing is the final straw? If there are, you'll need to work on those first before addressing the CDing.

    Good luck!

    Edit
    It may seem cold to suggest that she should be the one to change and not you. But, I do believe the CDing is innate and it cannot be rid of. However, beliefs that are rooted in misinformation or insecurities can be changed. And ultimately, she more than you will be a happier person if she can get over her fears. My suggestions are more for her own peace of mind (if she loves you), than yours, although you too will benefit from it if she can get over the stumbling blocks.

    I've experienced fear, anger, and resentment over situations I could not accept. And I am much happier when I can accept the situations that I cannot change, and let all those noxious feelings go.
    Last edited by ReineD; 11-23-2011 at 02:55 AM.
    Reine

  17. #17
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    As always, wise and considerate words from Reine .. and Paulette too.
    Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astair did .. but backwards and in HEELS!

  18. #18
    Silver Member Jonianne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cindy. View Post
    ....The last statement this morning was "we'll just have to work through it"....
    Build on this statement with her.

    Tell her that you do want to work this out with her. Go to counseling, be willing to respect her boundries and abide by reasonable worked out groundrules. If she is truly the love of your life, let her know you will do whatever it takes, without losing your own sense of self, to get to a healthy relationship.
    Joni

    "Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan

  19. #19
    "Cindarella Man" Jessica86's Avatar
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    You see, this is the thing I don't understand. I would hope every cd would be open with their so, but it's a two way street. They also need to be open with them as well when asked if they accept it or not. My guess, there is something else. Its not the dressing. You don't just "like" something then hate it. Same goes with relationships too. I will never understand how someone can love someone, then just stop. I'm willing to bet it is something else, and the dressing is being used as ammo. Seems she wants out and is searching for a reason. Therapy will explore that, and I am betting the real problem will surface at a later date. Just hang in there.
    "If you think you can or can't, you're right" -Henry Ford

  20. #20
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    go with the counciling, thats what ended my marriage the ex refused to go with me and things just got worse
    Forever in Lace

  21. #21
    Junior Member Nelson's Avatar
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    Your Partner is a strong person

    If she has been trying to accept you for three years, she is strong and I sense that both of you are very confused. I agree with everyone who has said you both need make sure this is the issue, but be prepared if it is exactly as she says.

    Compromise is another word slow death. Move out and see if you can remain friends, perhaps with the pressure off she can work around her objections.

    Best of luck to you both

  22. #22
    Previously GraceAnne
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nelson View Post
    If she has been trying to accept you for three years, she is strong and I sense that both of you are very confused. I agree with everyone who has said you both need make sure this is the issue, but be prepared if it is exactly as she says.

    Compromise is another word slow death. Move out and see if you can remain friends, perhaps with the pressure off she can work around her objections.

    Best of luck to you both
    Compromise is ONLY a slow death if you think you should get everything YOU want out of the relationship and cding. Marriage is about compromise, always has been, always will be. Nobody gets everything they want in a marriage. You may compromise about where to eat, where to live, how many kids to have, where to get married, where to honeymoon, vacation, retire, etc,etc,etc.

    Counseling can help you. IF you both want it. It can help her figure out WHAT about the cding bothers her. She may find out it has nothing to do with cding. (my problems stem from being abandoned my whole life, everybody picking someone else to care about/for more) That doesn't mean it will go away, but you can work around that. And if she knows it...well, lets just say it puts a whole 'nother angle in there. But it will also help her learn how to communicate better. You too. But, she needs to learn how to tell you how she feels, without worrying about if you're hurt or not. And you need to learn to let her tell you. And realize she is not trying to hurt you. These are just her feelings. There are a long list of things that I won't go into here.

    Reine is right, she will have to be the one to change. And it may make her VERY angry. That she has to do all the changing, all the stretching, all the work. Give her a reason for all of that. Treat her like a princess. Date nights. A new outfit once in awhile.

    But, IMO, the feeling of wanting to crossdress is not a choice. But actually dressing IS a choice. In the sense that you have a CHOICE in whether you dress everynight or once a month. You need to learn to control the dressing and not let the dressing control you. I wish you luck.

  23. #23
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    I agree with the advice to get both individual and couples therapy. Here's a point to consider. Often, when people "try" to make a relationship work, the effort is simply focused on enduring...and hoping that the issues go away on their own, or some how, stop seeming important. Its not quite that easy. Usually, people need to do more work - on their communications and to really understand and empathize with one another. These issues can't resolve themselves, it takes guidance coordinated with practice, practice and more practice. This is hard work, but it can save a relationship.

  24. #24
    Gender adventurer JamieG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by J'lyn GG View Post
    Compromise is ONLY a slow death if you think you should get everything YOU want out of the relationship and cding. Marriage is about compromise, always has been, always will be. Nobody gets everything they want in a marriage. You may compromise about where to eat, where to live, how many kids to have, where to get married, where to honeymoon, vacation, retire, etc,etc,etc.
    Hear, hear! Anyone who doesn't believe in compromise is either bullying his/her partner or not in a relationship.

    But, IMO, the feeling of wanting to crossdress is not a choice. But actually dressing IS a choice. In the sense that you have a CHOICE in whether you dress everynight or once a month. You need to learn to control the dressing and not let the dressing control you. I wish you luck.
    I agree with this too. Your compromise can be to agree to put some boundaries on your crossdressing. Find out what bugs her the most, and avoid doing that. If you can live honestly within the boundaries, and manage to also reconnect as a couple, you may be surprised to see her willing to expand the boundaries down the road.

  25. #25
    Member Dena's Avatar
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    +1 Jamie!

    This helped my wife and I (Though dressing isn't a problem in our relationship).

    What Your Marriage Counselor Doesn’t Want You to Know
    By Reader's Digest Magazine | Love + Sex – Mon, Oct 17, 2011 4:11 PM EDT

    If you knew these things, you wouldn't need a marriage counselor, would you? This insider info comes from psychologist Karen Sherman and from psychotherapist Wendy Allen, Ph.D., author of How to Survive the Crisis of an Affair.

    1. Sixty-nine percent of all arguments between you and your partner will never be resolved. So don't try so hard.

    2. A couple that doesn't fight is in trouble. Having a "good enough" marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment.

    3. Letting go is sometimes better than discussing everything to death.

    4. Respect, not sex or money, is the most important factor in a happy marriage.

    5. There are marital breaches worse than an affair.

    6. A therapist cannot teach, train, or guide you to "be happy." That is not a reasonable outcome to expect from therapy.
    Last edited by Dena; 11-23-2011 at 02:39 PM.

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