Hitting a wall

[Mikaela]

I'm looking for some input, since I seem to be missing something.
Short version: It seems like I've hit a wall on what I want to do or what experiences I want and it's frustrating. I'm not saying I want to stop or purge, I just don't know what I'm missing.

Longer version: I'm currently dating a great gal and have been having fun as both a boy and girl with her. I've been a CD since I was a kid, but I've only been out the front door for a year and two weeks. For most of that year, I stayed to one club in LA. This summer, I went out once to the mall during the day, I've tried a couple other clubs (TG and otherwise), and have had fun. I also changed up my hair and dressed a little less conservatively (see the blonde pic on my profile). I've come out to a couple people, but that's not something that will continue because it's not something I think is suitable for sharing.

I'm not the sort of person that wants to shove this in people's faces, nor am I the sort that wants to have a checklist of accomplishments (Oh! I've flown a plane! Or gone to a restaurant! Or gone to the zoo!). I don't see much of a need at this point to be out in the real world as Kae. So I don't think I'm looking for this sort of experience to get through the wall.

I have a high degree of confidence that I won't be taking hormones or transitioning, but I would like my girl mode to be more feminine. I've been considering the tria for removing hair on my body and then getting a pro to laser my face.

If seeing myself blond and in different clothes has done, it's made me think that I might want to evolve my look and style. I don't think I need to create a new girl name or persona, but I think I'm still trying to discover what it all means for me. At least now by doing and not thinking.

Have any of you hit this sort of wall? What did it signify to you? How did you get through it?

(older photos here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mikaela_1103 - blonde attachments in black are from a goth club, which isn't my thing, but I had fun)

[kendra_gurl]

Sometimes while it is fun and exciting to experiment and live out some fantasies too often we find that reality is no where near what we thought our fantasy would be like. There really is only so much one can do en-femme while remaining in a committed relationship.
You can't dress up and go clubbing all the time, being one of the girls without eventually you or your gf being hit on and causing a problem.
I'd suggest you let the gf pick where you go togeather a few times and see if that might lead to some new experiences for you, BTW the blonde photos do create a different look and is very nice

[DonnaT]

I'm looking for some input, since I seem to be missing something.
Short version: It seems like I've hit a wall on what I want to do or what experiences I want and it's frustrating.

I'm not . . . the sort that wants to have a checklist of accomplishments (Oh! I've flown a plane! Or gone to a restaurant! Or gone to the zoo!). I don't see much of a need at this point to be out in the real world as Kae. So I don't think I'm looking for this sort of experience to get through the wall.

The two statements I've quoted above appear contradictory. Thus I'm not sure what the wall for you really is.

I've not been out for a couple of years, but I don't consider it a wall and I don't miss it too much.

Of course, I'm a lot older than you, and no longer have the partying bug.

I know there are more opportunities to go out if I really want to, so I just enjoy what bit of dressing I do do at home.

[Kittyagain]

Mikaela, form the pictures, you are so very good at cross dressing that the room for improvement appears slight. You have a wonderful look that needs little more.

To me the next move as was posted before is enjoying this with your girlfriend. I think you will find that the most rewarding and for you both.

Kitty.

[Mikaela]

Kendra, I met my gf at the club. She's a makeup artist who does transformations (as well as makeup for film and special events), so she already had a presence in the community. She knew me as Mikaela first and it's how she refers to me most of the time. We do other things besides going clubbing, including movies, flying airplanes, riding my moto, shopping, etc. We have a good rapport and balance between the boy/girl in me. In fact, of all of the places we have gone en femme, besides the club we met at, have been her idea (as well as the blonde hair for fun). She's been the catalyst for most of my new adventures.

Donna, fair enough. I'll try to be a little clearer.
I'm not looking for experiences in a itemized checklist sort of way. I am looking for something that may change my experience overall, since I seem to have gone as far as I can go as is. That's not to say I'm perfect or an expert or anything, it just seems like I can't get much more with incremental improvements and/or not sure what to do with myself. Whether that means new fashion, hair, jewelry, hair removal, or things-to-do.

Kitty, thank you for the compliments.

[kendra_gurl]

Mikaela I posted last week about myself only being Kendra about 50 out of the normal 720 hours a month. It sounds as if you are needing to decide if you really need to take things any farther. How many hours a month are you Mikaela? Are you comfortable as your male self the rest of the time? Do you want to give HIM up?
Personally for me I'm content with my 50 hours. I don't think I could do this full time even if I had the desire, it's just too much work.
I hope you can find the answers within yourself and then you'll be able to be happy

[Mikaela]

I think I'm comfortable with my male self, but I've always been an introvert, so it's important that I don't confuse having fun and being more social as Kae as being the 'correct personality.' I get some dysphoria sometimes, but I like having the boy bits except when I'm switching brains. I wouldn't even consider going full time and I have a lot of respect for the girls who do it.

Although it often seems like it, I'm not out every weekend, but even when I do a long string of saturdays in a row, that is pretty much the only night I get dressed. So from 8pm-3am? (plus a couple hours getting ready) That would be 36 hours a month. There's an occasional night in the week in there, but it's rare, maybe one a month? There is also time where I might work on makeup or shop for something or give it consideration, but I don't think I hit 50 hours a month fully experiencing myself as Kaela.

[Karan49]

Mikaela,

I'm not sure what you mean by "hitting a wall". Maybe you are looking for a different experience. May I suggest you try a week end or a holiday in which you are dressed full time either with or without your girlfriend. It could be going to the beach, or out shopping, going to a salon, maybe spending time with your girlfriend along with other friends as well.

I think doing normal things en femme can give you an idea how far you want to take this. Have you gone shopping en femme? That could be shopping for outfits or even grocery shopping. How comfortable are you going out and about? Please let us know how things continue to go.

Karan

[Mikaela]

Karan, I've done a daytime-at-the-mall once (this is from that day: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mikaela...in/photostream )

It went ok. I'm sure I was noticed a couple times (I'm 6'1" and not going to pass all the time anyway), but I wasn't bothered and no one gave me any problems. I was also with the g/f at the time. There was no sense of exhilaration or anything since I really don't like to shop anyway. I had the sense of accomplishment, but even though there was nothing negative about it, I could not do it again and be ok with it.

I don't go to the beach and would never go en femme. I don't see the point of putting on more things to have more tan lines than normal, not to mention that without clothes, I'd lose much that enhances my femininity. No hair to style at a salon, wigs only. And we do hang out at the club with friends, but most people don't socialize outside of it except maybe a diner after it closes.

I'm fine going to TG friendly places, but I admit to not being comfortable going too mainstream, especially without the cloak of low lighting.

So that's why the checklist approach doesn't seem to gel with me.

We are thinking of going to Japan this fall and the g/f has asked if I wanted to bring Kae along. Still not sure how I feel about that, but I think I don't want to.

[ReineD]

You sound a lot like my SO in terms of lacking a desire to transition. If it's worth anything, I can share her goals and experiences.

She knew from the onset that she wanted her girl side to be as flexible or multi-faceted as his boy side. And she also didn't want to take 2 hours to get ready to go out. Time is precious.

She had laser beard removal. The process cannot eliminate any gray beard, but at least she no longer has a beard shadow after having been out for just a few hours. She has long hair that she keeps tied back at the nape in guy mode. This is perfectly acceptable in his workplace. She grew out her nails so that she doesn't have to deal with press-on nails anymore, and if she doesn't have time to paint them this is OK, since there are lots of GGs out there who don't paint their nails. But, the long nails do give his guy hands a feminine appearance. She keeps her eyebrows thinned but not in a high arch, and they look fine in either boy or girl mode. She got her ears pierced to have more flexibility with earrings when dressed. It is very easy for her now to just shower, spend a few minutes putting on makeup, and dress to go out.

In terms of outings, she wanted to be able to do what he does in guy mode, which is to bring work and a laptop at a cafe and just hang out there for awhile. Or go out to eat, or visit galleries since he is an avid art collector. Or shop, go to a movie, a show, the grocery store, etc. She wasn't so much interested in constructing a glittery, glammy lifestyle as a girl since this is not who he is in guy mode. She has an array of regular places she goes to, and she has gotten to know the people who work there, and a few regulars. Although at first glance my SO blends beautifully, it is apparent when you talk to her that she is not a genetic female (as it is with most CDs), but the people who've gotten to know her, like her and respect her for who she is.

Her attitude about how people should see her changed once she started to actively interact with others on a regular basis. She is losing or has lost her fear of being judged negatively as a man in a dress. I guess it doesn't matter to her so much now that people "believe" she is a genetic female. But, she does feel feminine when out and about and I suppose this is all that matters.

She has achieved her goal: the freedom to go out and be respected for who she is.

[Mikaela]

Thanks Reine.
I keep my brows tweezed and my nails a little longer than normal for the same reasons. Most women don't have very long nails anyway, so it works for me.
I've never used press on nails. I got my ears pierced in May, too. I usually keep in my black captive-bead hoops, but I've put in some large silver hoops for girl time.
Most time-consuming part of my getting ready is the monkey-grooming, hence the desire for some hair removal.
I'm stuck with wigs, but my short haired one is a monotop-lace front, so looks natural. I want something like that regardless of color or style.

Although a glam up night is great, I suspect that the direction I'll go seems to be in line with your SO. Being below the radar until 'outing' yourself is fine for me. Going to shop (without making a deal out of it), or getting dinner with my g/f or a movie would be fine. Just normal things without all the pageantry and attention seeking.

[ReineD]

Although a glam up night is great, I suspect that the direction I'll go seems to be in line with your SO. Being below the radar until 'outing' yourself is fine for me. Going to shop (without making a deal out of it), or getting dinner with my g/f or a movie would be fine. Just normal things without all the pageantry and attention seeking.

Exactly. After the first flush of excitement over breaking through that wall, it really is just about being yourself and enjoying your life.

[kimdl93]

I read this thread with great interest because it addresses a reality, once we've gotten past the initial excitement of being out and active in the world. I don't know if I'd call it a wall, but maybe a plateau. You've accomplished a lot in the past year especially. And it doesn't sound to me like you're missing much, if anything. Maybe its a good time to consolidate your gains.

I think I can empathize with where you're at. For the past couple of years, I've been able to dress nearly full time at home, which since I'm self employed is the majority of the week. So that's normal. While I can never be as attractive (or as young) as you are, but in the past few weeks I feel like I've come a long way as well. I don't expect to spend every weekend at a club, nor every day out shopping. I still have to make a living, still have to interact with a lot of people who will likely never know about my CDing. I don't measure this progress in terms of quantity - but rather quality of experience.

I suppose, tho, that like you, I am looking for what's next. My wife is great, supportive, but not ready to go out shopping or to dinner with me (en femme). So that's something I hope will come. We have been talking about a vacation to Costa Rica, with me going en femme, but it seems we need to get past the local shopping/dinner obstacle first.

Anyway, you aren't being graded. It sounds like you have a great partner, and really, besides the "new", its also possible to enjoy reaching a new normal, while waiting for thant next unknown.

[Mikaela]

Exactly. After the first flush of excitement over breaking through that wall, it really is just about being yourself and enjoying your life.

That might be part of it. I'm still trying to figure out who Mikaela is or can be. After all, if this persona is whoever we want it to be, why make her as plain as me? Whether it is role-playing or expressing a suppressed part of myself, no sense making it too much like regular me. I've been complimented in person and told how attractive I am, but I've also been called a pretty soccer mom. I don't want to come off as being the conservative maternal type. :/

I read this thread with great interest because it addresses a reality....

It does address a very specific reality (besides me being me), which is a good point. I'm not fully trans, so that's not in the cards. I won't be spending all of my life out as Kae, but I can never put that genie back in the bottle. I'm not the sort who dresses at home any longer because it is not fulfilling, but I can't have her be a part of my work life (family is a non issue, since I have none on this coast). I have no interest in being an advocate or exposing this to anyone else who knows me. I know a lot of the gals here go out, take trips, do all sorts of things en femme, but I'm not there yet (if ever). I'm sure there is a good portion of us who may fit in this limbo.

[Sheren Kelly]

Kae
I think I've been down a similar road. The thrill of merely crossdressing has been replaced by a desire for something more substantive. I want to be "real" as in just expressing a natural femininity in an accepting environment. I have never been totally comfortable in the T world as I have never quite found a kindred spirit, though I tend to gravitate to the TS crowd. It gets tiring being the odd lot in every mix and never really finding your home. Drag clubs dont do it, so I cherish those everyday experiences the best and want to present myself better to be able to experience those times.

One of my fondest memories was at a coffee house in San Diego. An older gentleman came up to me (as Kelly) and asked if I played chess. I tried to give him a good game, but clearly he just wanted to spend time with another and he was perfectly happy to treat me as a lady, even though I can't pass from that close. A lovely evening drinking Lattes and stumbling through several chess games and in the end we parted. It was the closest I felt to being natural as a lady.

BTW, your last photo...Stunning!

[kimdl93]

That might be part of it. I'm still trying to figure out who Mikaela is or can be. .

Despite the question, you seem to have a pretty clear idea of who you are, even if you're uncertain where this will lead. Maybe the best thing right now is to put that question aside for a while and let life happen. So often we are disappointed by life when it doesn't meet our expectations. Not having expectations, by contrast, allows you to live in the moment(s) and never be disappointed by the experience.

[ReineD]

That might be part of it. I'm still trying to figure out who Mikaela is or can be. After all, if this persona is whoever we want it to be, why make her as plain as me? Whether it is role-playing or expressing a suppressed part of myself, no sense making it too much like regular me.

Well, first, I don't think you're plain at all! And second I always assumed, at least with my SO, that it was about expressing a feminine part of herself, more than expressing a suppressed alter-ego. Fundamentally, the self is still the same, as are all the interests. For example, if the guy is not into a night life lifestyle, neither will be the girl? If the guy is into rock concerts, or art, or outdoor activities, or philosophical discussions, so will be the girl?

I should think the overall goal is integration, but I could be wrong, since I'm not TG.

[toriwilliams]

i enjoy exercising, going to movies, going to small clubs to listen to the blues, i.e.; i have enjoyed these activities my entire adult life. when i started being tori, the activities i enjoy didn’t change. it just that sometimes, i get to enjoy those activities as tori.

[Mikaela]

I have never been totally comfortable in the T world as I have never quite found a kindred spirit, though I tend to gravitate to the TS crowd. It gets tiring being the odd lot in every mix and never really finding your home. Drag clubs dont do it, so I cherish those everyday experiences the best and want to present myself better to be able to experience those times.
BTW, your last photo...Stunning!

Yes, I've been that way, too. I seem to prefer the TS crowd since many of the out CDs are more fetishy or flamboyant. Hard to stay under the radar in their company. Some are great people, but it's not the experience I crave. The other downside to the TG clubs is the 'admirer' crowd. One got kicked out on Sat for touching a girl and exposing himself. I felt more flattered getting flirted with by a guy in a drive thru one night than all the offers by the admirers to buy me drinks. And thank you so much for the compliment

Well, first, I don't think you're plain at all! And second I always assumed, at least with my SO, that it was about expressing a feminine part of herself, more than expressing a suppressed alter-ego. Fundamentally, the self is still the same, as are all the interests. For example, if the guy is not into a night life lifestyle, neither will be the girl? If the guy is into rock concerts, or art, or outdoor activities, or philosophical discussions, so will be the girl? I should think the overall goal is integration, but I could be wrong, since I'm not TG.

Well it's not like I'm Bat-Man or anything. I do see that the feminine part is -something- suppressed. It's not a personality in the sense of multiple personality disorder (or whatever the appropriate term is now), but it does reflect a component of my psyche not addressed. Does it mean that if 'he' hates watermelon, 'she' may like it? Or Rock vs Classical? Nah, but I think some of the things that I as a guy have discounted would be something I can look at again with different eyes and expectations as her. There may also be a sense of inner stillness or satisfaction that makes an activity more enjoyable one way than the other.

The integration aspect has come up before, but how integrated can we be if we must compartmentalize our professional life (or family for the others)? I'm never going to be Kae to the world at large and I'm also not going to start wearing skirts to work.

[kristinacd55]

Hey Mikaela,
I can very much relate to what your going through. My wife is somewhat supportive, I go to a club every other month (this saturday YEA and I have nothing to wear!!!) and I've been out shopping enfemme with another tg friend and to support groups. Geez, I'd love to go out more but like you said don't want to throw it in everyone's face, including my wife and daughters who all know I dress. I also don't want to transition or do hrt either, SO can't wait for Saturday night!

Mikeala, mistake me if I'm wrong but you almost seemed bummed at the idea of going along with the same routine?

[kimdl93]

The integration aspect has come up before, but how integrated can we be if we must compartmentalize our professional life (or family for the others)? I'm never going to be Kae to the world at large and I'm also not going to start wearing skirts to work.

I don't think integration has to mean transition. It can mean that Kae, not an alter ego, but an essential part of you, can be expressed when you feel its safe and appropriate...nothing more, nothing less.

My only other observation is that this is likely to change over time. I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago and know that as each year passes and with each experience, I'm a bit different (that's the truth ) i'm pretty sure the same will be true for you. Beyond that, enjoy the youth, the great bod, and the young skin...those are sadly the things that will change for the worse!

[ReineD]

I seem to prefer the TS crowd since many of the out CDs are more fetishy or flamboyant.

Many people have expressed this sentiment here, and it puzzles me since it does assume that to have a guieter, more internal exploration of the feminine self, it must be a TS thing to do? Maybe I'm misunderstanding your comment and you are instead saying it is difficult to find CDs to do things with who are more like you and my SO?

I think some of the things that I as a guy have discounted would be something I can look at again with different eyes and expectations as her.

Absolutely! My SO said the same thing about coming to appreciate art, or wanting to take ballroom dance lessons with other girlfriends and with me. She said it was her girl self that gave his guy self permission to do these things. This was some years ago. I don't think my SO has any such internal division now.

I'm just wondering why many CDs seem to limit what they feel they can do in guy mode (I think perhaps more than someone who is not a CD). I'm no expert, but I wonder if the desire to not have anyone find out about femimine tendencies at a younger age would cause someone to set up clear internal boundaries about what is considered feminine vs. what is considered masculine, and the guy self would never allow himself to engage in what he considers feminine, such as appreciating a ballet for example.

The integration aspect has come up before, but how integrated can we be if we must compartmentalize our professional life (or family for the others)? I'm never going to be Kae to the world at large and I'm also not going to start wearing skirts to work.

This is true and sadly, unless someone has severe GID, it is easier if the division in presentation is maintained, that is, until society reaches the same level of understanding and acceptance as there is in this forum. But the integration I was speaking of is internal rather than making decisions about who should be told or not. It is more about allowing the girl and boy interests to merge together so they can be enjoyed in either mode.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Exactly. After the first flush of excitement over breaking through that wall, it really is just about being yourself and enjoying your life.

which is nothing like a wall at all!!! if you get to that point, it's all good..

[kristinacd55]

I'm just wondering why many CDs seem to limit what they feel they can do in guy mode (I think perhaps more than someone who is not a CD). I'm no expert, but I wonder if the desire to not have anyone find out about femimine tendencies at a younger age would cause someone to set up clear internal boundaries about what is considered feminine vs. what is considered masculine, and the guy self would never allow himself to engage in what he considers feminine, such as appreciating a ballet for example.
Oh Reine, you hit the nail right there. I learned at a very young age not to engage in feminine tendencies. I once played dressup with my sister and we had a great time as i recall. Then I wanted to do it again, and was severely scolded for it. So, I believe that was when I became a closeted cd. It was so disappointing being 6 years old and not being allowed to have some fun.

[Mikaela]

Beyond that, enjoy the youth, the great bod, and the young skin...those are sadly the things that will change for the worse!

Ha, at 38 in Nov, I'm no spring chicken, either.

Mikeala, mistake me if I'm wrong but you almost seemed bummed at the idea of going along with the same routine?

Yes, the routine has a degree of banality to it. I love aspects of it, but there is a lot of repetition.

... Maybe I'm misunderstanding your comment and you are instead saying it is difficult to find CDs to do things with who are more like you and my SO?

I'm no expert, but I wonder if the desire to not have anyone find out about femimine tendencies at a younger age would cause someone to set up clear internal boundaries about what is considered feminine vs. what is considered masculine, and the guy self would never allow himself to engage in what he considers feminine, such as appreciating a ballet for example.

... But the integration I was speaking of is internal rather than making decisions about who should be told or not. It is more about allowing the girl and boy interests to merge together so they can be enjoyed in either mode.

Reine, you recently posted to someone about how there were all these different types of CDs and their motivations and why we want some to stay in the closet, so to speak. Some of us are more fetishy, others more sissy, etc. I suspect that the batch of us who aren't trying to be caricatures, or being fetishists, or whatever feel more trans (or at least we latch on to that as our anchor) and feel closer to the TS girls because we're doing it for gender and identity reasons, not sexual reasons. Maybe. I don't know. I just know that I'm more likely to talk to someone who is presenting more like a natural woman than I am an older man in thigh highs, bad makeup, and trying to look like Britney Spears. It's biased, I know, but we're all trying to find people like us in this community. But yes, it could apply to CDs (like your SO and I), not just TS specific girls.

I think your boundaries theory has merit. I know I never wore flip flops (still dont) as a kid because I associated them with girls. It's a silly association, but it was one I made as a kid. I also don't wear colors. The most 'female' interest I have in norma l mode is a love of cooking. I'll keep the internal integration in mind.