Confused

[chelseababy]

Hi Girls,

I'm very confused atm and would like some advice please.

When I read about women that have transitioned and their stories they often talk of knowing all along, that they were born into the wrong body and that gender issues had just always been a constant in their lives for as long as they could remember. I've been wondering a lot lately though if anybody has kinda grown into feeling that they want to be a woman and gone ahead with it?

Tbh, i don't even know how I feel myself but i'll try to explain it, i remember trying on my sisters/mums underwear when I was around 13 and dressing up the odd chance i'd get in my mums clothes and heels etc, I don't know when that stopped but it did at some point, I then joined the army when I was 19 and didnt think much about dressing for the next 7 years, I was def unsure of my sexuality, walking past gay bars in town and not having the guts to actually go in, that kind of thing, but I don't think i thought about dressing much. I then left the army and met my amazing wife, after her and a friend where trying to get me to try on a dress I, quite emotionally, told her that I couldnt have tried it on when her friend was there because it would have been obvious that I enjoyed it too much!

Told her all about trying on clothes when I was a kid and that ever since her and her friend mentioned trying the dress on i'd been dying to do it again and couldnt stop thinking about it, this was about 2 years ago, thankfully she's been amazing throughout and we go out shopping together, she does my makeup, and she's always trying to get me to go out dressed up (something i've never done) as she just knows that i'll love it, she even bought chelsea a satin nightie for christmas last year and she's been trying to get me to book a session at the MAC counter in leicester to give me more confidence with covering my shadow.

Anyways, the confusing part for me is that there was clearly a time (almost 12 years between 13 and 25) where cd'ing wasn't a part of my life at all, and barely thought about, being in the army though could have been a part of this, had I gone to uni and a more open-minded world my life could have been very different I imagine. But since i've started dressing, my desire to dress, be seen as a woman in public, and be treated like one, has grown and grown and grown, i find myself looking at women in the street, firstly admiring their outfits and thinking i might get something similar myself, and then being very envious for no reason but for them being female, i want their shape, I want real breasts, i want to swagger down the street in floaty dresses or leggings and boots, my wife complains about her breasts sagging and I tell her that apart from her being gorgeous i would LOVE to even have saggy boobs and to stop complaining!

I just really don't know whats going on in my head atm, I feel like I want to be a woman, and i sometimes feel that the only thing that stops me is the world I live in, how hard it is because of the world I live in, and the fact that most of the stories I read about women that have transitioned talk about always knowing, whereas I, apart from dressing for a year or so as a teenager, have only recently (a year or so) started feeling this way. I've spoke about this with my wife and she has been supportive as always, whenever I think of a 'but' she has an answer, we've both noticed though that i'm not as happy as I used to be, i've phoned her from working crying in the car, for no apparent reason, i feel like its not me thinking 'oh good i hate this body this isn't me' kind of thoughts but I can't think of a reason why, i just get really low and feel like crying.....

I don't really know if I have any other questions, or if i've asked anything at all, maybe I just wanted to write it down, I suppose my biggest issues are about my identity, i'm not the standard 'felt this way since i can remember' but i'm not sure if these are just regular thoughts for an active cd'er, or if i'm falling further down the rabbit hole and my feelings are something else.

Well that was a bit longer than I thought it would have been, thanks for reading I guess!

[Debb]

I've found that the need or desire to dress has waxed and waned with time. I'm not exactly sure why that is, but ... it is the case for me.

I've always felt born in the wrong body, but haven't always felt the need/desire to dress to express my femininity.

[TGMarla]

Chelsea, there is a whole lot more to womanhood that simply having the privilege of wearing cute clothing. Like you, I absolutely adore my female time, and I have long struggled with the thought of transition. But I had to come to the conclusion that for me, it was more about physically looking female, having the long hair and the breasts, and getting to wear dresses and high heels than it was about actually being a woman. I therefore realized that I'm not a woman trapped in a male body, but rather, a person who loves the feminine acoutrements instead. As a crossdresser, for me it's all about wearing dresses and presenting as a woman. But were I really transexual, it would be about a whole lot more than that.

This may not all be true for you. But ask yourself the tough questions, and try to be honest with yourself. If transition is for you, then you will be dealing not only with the realities of being a woman, but the stigmas of also being a transexual. Not all transexuals have to deal with this, if they pass really well as females to begin with. But many do have to deal with this as well. If all of that is a worthy trade for the pleasure of getting to live your life as a woman, then by all means, look into transition. But if any of the answers to all these important questions is no, then please reassess your needs and your life's outlook.

Being born a woman, as many females might well tell you, can be tough. But transitioning to become one, and having to live with the irreversable changes you'll go through as a result, is probably tougher.

[joandher]

listen to the advise from your wife and get yourself out of that front door even if its only for a short drive you wont forget it,and you will wonder why you haven't done it before now
go on Girl take that first step,

LET THE WIFE DRIVE YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE NERVOUS

HUGS J-JAY

[sterling12]

I have read Literature (But, like a lot of The Crap that gets printed about us, I can't vouch for it's correctness) that ascribes to The Idea that there are two types of TS Women. One Type is "The Classic, always knew I was a Girl and I'll die if I don't do SRS ASAP." According to The Literature, there is a second type and this person starts with CD Activities and kind of "grows" into a desire for Gender Correction. Let's call type Two transgendered, in the old classic definition of "There's A Woman inside me." Eventually that Woman inside becomes predominant, and Transition becomes just kind of a logical thing to do.

Abstinence from Dressing is certainly not unusual, especially time in The Services. A Lot of us who did time in Military Situations did not dress during those periods.

You now have an Opportunity. I wouldn't even begin to speculate where you sit on The Gender Spectrum, or where you might go. But, since you have a supportive spouse you can now safely explore all of The Possibilities. You may decide Family is more important, a lot of us did! You may decide to go "further", but perhaps not all The Way to SRS. It's your Call, your Choice. Good Luck my friend. Find Peace and happiness.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Chelsea, although I am one of the majority of TS who has more or less "always known", there are some TS members on this forum who don't have such a strong memory.

I wouldn't read too much into the fact that you had a prolonged period where you didn't give much thought to cross-dressing - my experience was that I could bury the knowledge of who I am for quite long stretches although I never saw myself as a typical male.

On the other hand, I don't think that you need to worry that you might be on a slippery slope from CD to TS since there are plenty of members here who are definitely in the first category and have no desire at all to set foot in the other. That does not stop some of them fantasizing about what it would be like to be a woman or about having real breasts, but generally that is all that it is - fantasy.

Being a woman is definitely about a whole lot more than having the right protuberances or wearing chic dresses/skirts/jump suits. It is also about how we socialise, how we interact with our feelings, with our environment and much much more.

If you are not at the point where presenting as a man makes you feel sick inside, then you probably don't need to transition at this point in your life. Will you ever get to that point? I don't know. Does it worry you that you might? Could it be that you are CD and not TS? That's not for me to say.

Should you appreciate the support and love that your wife is offering you? ABSOLUTELY!!

[suchacutie]

I was 55 before I had the smallest thought that I had a feminine part of me. My wife and I quickly decided that we wanted to know who this feminine "person" was and that meant letting it play out.

You seem hesitant to let it play out. Your supportive wife would like to know who you are, and would like you to find out too. What's the harm? Talks to her, treat it as an adventure, take small steps, and enjoy life!

tina

[Rachel Mari]

I have many of the same questions and feelings that you are thinking of right now. I've never felt the classic "woman trapped in man's body" but have always felt, since I was very young, that I wanted to be and should have been a girl.

It's hard for me to imagine taking the steps for SRS because, mainly, this is the body I was born with and I'm a big believer in dealing with what you have.
That's not to say that I don't admire (and envie) the TS women's courage, knowing the hardships, and the ability to make the decision to take all the steps to become who they feel they must.

I'm happy you have a supporting wife. You're very lucky.

[Aprilrain]

Being born a woman, as many females might well tell you, can be tough. But transitioning to become one, and having to live with the irreversable changes you'll go through as a result, is probably tougher.

Being human is tough, both genders have their challenges! Transition is a hard process but it is beautiful and wonderful process too. Becoming who you want to be is never easy but always worth it.

Anyway there is a LOT of bad information on transsexuality. Google Harry Benjamin, he describes several different types of transsexual. one being the type you describe the rest having less sever symptoms of GID or having the GID come on at a later age. You may want to post this same question in the TS section of this forum, also CDing is NOT a prerequisite for transsexuality though most of us CDed to some extent or another.
Ask your self this: Do you want to be a woman at work?, at the grocery store?, in the mall shopping for christmas presents? (for other people not your self!), in the garden? at the auto parts store?, do you want to wait in that ridiculously long line for the bathroom at a concert or sporting event while the men simply walk in pee on the wall and walk out!? do you want to be a woman around your family? your wife? your wife's family? Are you willing to risk losing your job, wife, family, friends, etc. so that you can be a woman? If these thoughts and feelings are causing you that much distress its time to seek out a therapist versed in gender issues. that doesn't mean you have to DO anything but if your not just happy go lucky about CDing then there might be something else there. Personally I hated CDing it was a painful reminder of what I was not, a woman. Don't let gender identity and sexual orientation get all mixed up in your head. You may be a gay man you may be a hetero man you maybe a gay woman you may be a hetero woman you may just be a **** and sleep with the first person who says your pretty who knows but it doesn't matter who you sleep with, that has NOTHING to do with gender identity!

[diannecourtney]

I'd say from your avatar that you would have an advantage to womanhood, I could only wish for. However what is in the interior that should be the the determining factor.

[Stephenie S]

Being human is tough, both genders have their challenges! Transition is a hard process but it is beautiful and wonderful process too. Becoming who you want to be is never easy but always worth it.

Anyway there is a LOT of bad information on transsexuality. Google Harry Benjamin, he describes several different types of transsexual. one being the type you describe the rest having less sever symptoms of GID or having the GID come on at a later age. You may want to post this same question in the TS section of this forum, also CDing is NOT a prerequisite for transsexuality though most of us CDed to some extent or another.
Ask your self this: Do you want to be a woman at work?, at the grocery store?, in the mall shopping for christmas presents? (for other people not your self!), in the garden? at the auto parts store?, do you want to wait in that ridiculously long line for the bathroom at a concert or sporting event while the men simply walk in pee on the wall and walk out!? do you want to be a woman around your family? your wife? your wife's family? Are you willing to risk losing your job, wife, family, friends, etc. so that you can be a woman? If these thoughts and feelings are causing you that much distress its time to seek out a therapist versed in gender issues. that doesn't mean you have to DO anything but if your not just happy go lucky about CDing then there might be something else there. Personally I hated CDing it was a painful reminder of what I was not, a woman. Don't let gender identity and sexual orientation get all mixed up in your head. You may be a gay man you may be a hetero man you maybe a gay woman you may be a hetero woman you may just be a **** and sleep with the first person who says your pretty who knows but it doesn't matter who you sleep with, that has NOTHING to do with gender identity!

Dear Chelsea,

There is a lot of wisdom in the above quote written by someone who knows a bit about what you are asking about.

Most who actually DO transition do so not because they WANT to, but because they HAVE to. Transition is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. You have to be ready to lose EVERYTHING. Everything means just that. Everything. You may very well lose your wife, your children, your family, your job, your house, your savings, your friends, your parents, everything. If transition is THAT important to you, then go for it.

Of course not all lose everything, but if you are not prepared to lose it all, then don't even think about transitioning. There is a huge difference between WANTING to be a girl (doesn't everyone?) and KNOWING that you are a girl. A good GENDER therapist will help you to sort this out. If you have ANY serious questions about your gender, find a good therapist and have at it.

Hope this helps,
Stephie

[Inna]

I for one, have dressed almost everyday since 7 years old, there were periods of denial, purging and back to square one again and again, however each time I went back I realized that the feeling was stronger and deeper then before. As a little boy I went to sleep dreaming and imagining how wonderful life would be as a girl, but every time i woke up I was still the boy I fell a sleep with.

So in the essence, I knew, but I didn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After 40 years of living such roller-coaster I came to the crossroads and wanted to end this charade, somehow I lived another day but this day was like no other before, for I knew who I was in its entirety, I was a Transsexual woman!

So as to answer your question, I believe that lots and lots of us who are in fact Transsexuals, felt the girl within very strongly but external stimuli such as peer pressure, church, self image-that of a birth body, disallowed forceful determination and act of transition until we simply could not take more of pain and had to succumb to the inevitable, TRUTH!

[Deana ♥ Danni]

Hi Chelsea,

I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you but I don't I am a GG and I am Danni Renee's SO. A lot of what you posted here, I hear from Danni too. Maybe you could explore your feminine side some more with your wife, and find a good therapist. The only thing I know to do when I have such inner conflict is pray.

Pax et bonum,
Deana

[docrobbysherry]

Chelsea, each person's, "perception is their reality". And, even THOSE r succeptable to change!

I BEGAN dressing wanting real breasts very badly! Considered implants. Maybe even more? But, over time I realized I'm one of those dressers that Marla described. I simply wish to APPEAR as an attractive woman. Not actually become one!

[*Vanessa*]

Hi Chelsea
I was given this link by one of the Admins here (I really like her). It is a great place to start exploring and it's a good read;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender#Transvestite

I am sure that with a little time you be able to turn that rabbit hole upside down. Hands down a sharing and caring SO is the biggest tool in your arsenal in finding you. - take care.
v.

[Danni Renee]

I feel like I could have written your OP myself - very similar to my own situation, feelings, and confusion. I have no real advice for you as I am not much further ahead in my thoughts than you. What is important is to take your time, do not rush into anything and let things develop.

Danni

[Kittyagain]

Once we have chosen a feminine name for ourselves, we have moved on past the simple first step of trying on women's clothes. How far we go with it is easy to read by the level we commitment to live with the new name. It seems so simple but it is a good gauge.

The next step is when the passion to become more feminine is no longer sexually driven. This is very difficult to define when you are young. If you consider the next step leaves sexual desires behind the thought might run cool to you for now.

Kitty

[Aprilrain]

A lot of the answers you have received here are well meaning but I don't agree with them.
If you are itching so much scratch the damned itch. Dress up until you are bored to death with it. Dress up down sideways and backwards, fulfill all your desires for whatever clothing you want. THEN you will finally have a clear head, stop torturing yourself and realise you are probably just a guy who gets a quite natural but maybe obsessive kick out of female clothing.
Until you do that you will just be some demented Christian outside a brothel or some salivating gambler outside a casino.
Scratch the itch and stop beating yourself up and you will have a much clearer and sane picture.

YES! most definitely! I would skip the PROFESSIONAL help and just go for it! I mean people here who don't know you at all surly have the answers!

[docrobbysherry]

Once we have chosen a feminine name for ourselves, we have moved on past the simple first step of trying on women's clothes. How far we go with it is easy to read by the level we commitment to live with the new name. It seems so simple but it is a good gauge.

The next step is when the passion to become more feminine is no longer sexually driven. This is very difficult to define when you are young. If you consider the next step leaves sexual desires behind the thought might run cool to you for now.

Kitty

Speak for yourself, Kitty! I've been working all week on outfits for the SCC. And, I'm over 60. But this last week, with dressing as Sherry so often, let's just say I've felt more like 25!

[Kristy_K]

Hi Chelsea,
There are a lot of different thoughts and ideas on this subject for sure. Everyone is different with different needs and different ways of life. This includes there careers and life style and family. All that has to be consider as to what you are willing to do to be the person you think you are. I have a history of depression for the last 15 years. Once it even leads drug and substance abuse and when I came out of treatment Kristy was born. I then married and told my to be wife about Kristy before we married. She said she accepted her but what she really thought was love would cure me of my CDing. It turn out to be a don't tell or see policy. Then depression sets in over the years. She finally just got a divorce. My ex says I like staying home to dress more than anything else. She was right I guess. After she left I was able to dress all the time. But then I realize that I in prison myself and slip into a deep depression. I then decided to seek help. Even so I have thought about a transition for many years I figure because I didn't like men that a transition wasn't for me or wouldn't work. The therapist say different. She ask if I have ever heard of lesbians ? For me that set off many thoughts and ideas. I have now been in transition for about a month. I no longer take any type of meditations for anything except HRT. I can look into the mirror and said I like what I see now. That is something I could never do before. I might not be a even a one as a woman but I am a 10 as a woman with me when I look in the mirror now. I myself have never more happier in my life. It not easy to transition. There is a lot to learn and accept. Work for me wasn't easy because I work there for 25 years. My friends has meet Kristy and most is now 100% behind me. I did lose one friend over the transition. Most of my coworker accepted me but there are a few that didn't. I am so happy about being me and liking who I really am that people looks and thoughts don't brother me at all. On my job I can't really wear a wig or even very much of anything except earrings and makeup but by me just doing that I really like who I am. By the way I am over 6 foot with big hands and a male voice. I have been very well excepted in the general public and I myself think it is because I am so happy being me. From what I have seen is that happiness is like money and everyone wants some. So when you are happy, people want to be around you especial the woman I have met so far in my transition. Also I think if I would have transition earlier in life it probably would not have really work for me. It took major back surgery for me to realize that this wasn't a sexual thing for me like I have thought for many years. Just remember everyone is different. Good luck

[juno]

I have always know I was feminine, and had no interest in male things. I never thought of myself of a woman in a mans body, just a feminine male. However, I never really liked the person I see in the mirror. My wife always says I am a nice looking man, but I just don't like what I see. The first time I saw myself in a mirror as a woman was the first time I actually liked seeing myself. It was very emotional.

Transition is very difficult. Just preferring a female life over a male life is not really enough. It has to be a real need. If you can be happy living as a male, it is probably better not to transition. It is easy to be conflicted if you have aspects of both genders. Sometimes it is hard to know the best answer. That is why SRS requires you to actually live the other gender full time for a while.

[chelseababy]

Wow, lots of great replies here, thanks so much for taking the time to give your advice.

Ask your self this: Do you want to be a woman at work?, at the grocery store?, in the mall shopping for christmas presents? (for other people not your self!), in the garden? at the auto parts store?, do you want to wait in that ridiculously long line for the bathroom at a concert or sporting event while the men simply walk in pee on the wall and walk out!? do you want to be a woman around your family? your wife? your wife's family? Are you willing to risk losing your job, wife, family, friends, etc. so that you can be a woman? If these thoughts and feelings are causing you that much distress its time to seek out a therapist versed in gender issues. that doesn't mean you have to DO anything but if your not just happy go lucky about CDing then there might be something else there.

Lately I have been asking myself this a lot, I always feel like I would be happier wherever I am, dressed and being Chelsea. Whenever myself and my wife are getting ready for a party or night out I want to be sliding into a nice dress and getting made up with my wife, i'm starting to move more towards not caring about what people think, I picked my wife up from work the other week wearing some womens jeans, a nice womens jumper and some boots with a 3-4" heel, I wasn't made up or anything but as I was staying in the car I thought i'd go pick her up dressed how I wanted to be....... it was awesome and the smile didnt leave my face for the rest of the day, something that is a rarity these days.....I felt so happy (Not sure if that counts as going out by the way!?)

Personally I hated CDing it was a painful reminder of what I was not, a woman.

I wouldnt say I hate cding, i love it, but when it all comes off, i hate that, i've cried many many times at the end of a night when the wigs came off and the make-ups been removed, sometimes seeing the male face in the mirror doesnt seem like me after a long stint being chelsea and I just want to say "**** you all, i'm putting all this back on tomorrow morning, if you dont like it then I dont need you around" which obviously doesnt happen!

I'm thinking of discussing it with my doctor to try and get a referral to a therapist, just to talk about how i'm feeling, not to start the ball rolling or anything but to get an experienced, professional opinion on what is going on in my head. My wife says that whatever happens in the future she'll be there and if ever did go all the way would just have to be a lesbian , she says that she doesnt love me despite this, but loves me more because of it, which is a really nice thing to hear from someone that means so much to me

[ReineD]

Ask your self this: Do you want to be a woman at work?, at the grocery store?, in the mall shopping for christmas presents? (for other people not your self!), in the garden? at the auto parts store?, do you want to wait in that ridiculously long line for the bathroom at a concert or sporting event while the men simply walk in pee on the wall and walk out!? do you want to be a woman around your family? your wife? your wife's family?

These are good questions, but another important question is this:

Would you be happy living as a woman with just the changes that HRT produces (visit the TS section to find out), without implants or FFS? Would you be happy going out as a woman in your natural state (post HRT ... just you, but looking slightly more feminine), without makeup, with your own longer hair, and just throwing on a pair of regular women's jeans, a Tshirt, & sneakers to go to the grocery store and being looked on as a woman, yes, but as a regular woman just like the other hundreds of regular women that don't necessarily turn heads?

I ask this because you describe the women that turn your head. Maybe you only notice these women, and not the others? A TS (judging by the things I've read here) is happy being a woman. Period. It's not so much about looking glamorous and well put together all the time.

[chelseababy]

These are good questions, but another important question is this:

Would you be happy living as a woman with just the changes that HRT produces (visit the TS section to find out), without implants or FFS? Would you be happy going out as a woman in your natural state (post HRT ... just you, but looking slightly more feminine), without makeup, with your own longer hair, and just throwing on a pair of regular women's jeans, a Tshirt, & sneakers to go to the grocery store and being looked on as a woman, yes, but as a regular woman just like the other hundreds of regular women that don't necessarily turn heads?

I think where I live, i maybe wouldnt be so happy just popping out to the shops in a dress with no makeup or anything on, but in jeans and a t-shirt, being a little more unoticable.....i'm slowly coming round to it, and starting to stop caring what other people think, so yeah i think i'd be happy enough in time doing that. I think the major thing thats stopping me is my confidence when it comes to being faced with unaccepting people, if i was the type who could just stroll out the door and not give a toss about getting laughed at or confronted then I would have left the house dressed a long time ago, i feel like thats a bad excuse, but its how i've always been, even in guy mode I make sure i'm looking good before I leave the house so its going to take a lot to change that for me, but i'm working on it and as I'm growing older other peoples opinions are starting to matter less and less, so fingers crossed its just a matter of time

[kimdl93]

It seems your larger question is whether some people realize they are transexual - and transition later in life - without recognizing this earlier on. I would have to answer a qualified yes. Now, does this fit your situation...I can't say, and honestly, you'll have to live your life to find the answer to that question. IN the mean time, I think you're wife is trying to help you enjoy some aspects of femininity that you clearly desire, but have been denying yourself. The recent obsessing with being a woman could be a reactio to repressing the deisre to dress - such as when your wife and her gf tried to get you to do so.

Why not dress with her, get a make over, enjoy a girls night with her and her friends. She's been very supportive of you, and this could be a way of showing her your appreciation, and let some of the pressure off. Maybe letting dressing become a more routine part of your life - shared fully with your wife - will lessen the pressure and improve your mood. And maybe it will help you find a path towards the answer you seek. But don't rush it - experience life and the answers you seek may come to you of their own accord.