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Thread: What am I and How can I make my wife happy?

  1. #1
    Just a girl at heart too Kerigirl2009's Avatar
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    What am I and How can I make my wife happy?

    I am in a place right now that I was hoping to avoid forever. My wife of seventeen years has called to enquire about divorce. She has not filed yet but, what do I do with this knowledge?
    Part of the problem is that she says I do not care about her thoughts and feelings, this just is not true, I do care about what she thinks but I also just cannot help myself to a point.
    I do not dress in front of her, I DO underdress which I guess she can tolerate (maybe)
    I guess its the things that I consider SUTTLE such as shaved arms and legs. Plucking eyebrows, very light make up(on occassion)
    As far as the make up I do try to take it off when I end up back home and I am going to be around family.
    I really pissed her off when I showed up at church with what I figured was well groomed fingernails. NO color but I did put false nails on over my nails and I liked them because the tips where clean and unbroken. not to girly in my opinion, but way over the top for my wife, I did remove them the next morning after I got home from work.

    I don't know how to stop being who I think I should be without hurting her anymore.
    HERE IS THE BIG PROBLEM
    We are not intimate anymore, this is pretty much my fault I will say 85 percent
    I have issues which I take pills for (currently out and need to go back to refill)
    She thinks it is in my head and I agree with her that part of it is totally in my head as I have a fear of not being able to satisfy her which is upsetting to myself.
    I want my wife to be completely happy, but I don't think I am making her happy anymore.
    How Can I change so I can be happy but also bring new life into our marriage?
    Do I tell the doctor that I am a Crossdresser?
    Do I force myself to give up one part of my life that makes me happy but bothers my wife.

    This is a selfish lifestyle because we are forced to hide important parts of our lives from those people that we truly love but do not want to burden them with anything to do with crossdressing. This leads to taking away from them as well as ourselves.

    I do not know what to do to bring LOVE back into my wifes vocabulary, As she said we are mearly roommates at this point because we have no intimacy.
    Big issue is she says I do not change in front of her, I do try to not stand in front of her while wearing panties because I know she does not want to see it.

    I need help, the only thing I can think of is give up the side of my life that brings me happiness to get back to the LOVE that I want to share with my wife.
    I wish I had the courage to just be myself and live my life how I want

  2. #2
    Just trying to be me jennCD's Avatar
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    I'd say both of you communicating with a therapist is a good way to begin the process of reconciliation, but only as long as both of you have the desire to work it out. If either one of you has already given up hope or let go other the relationship, the damage may already be severe enough that no amount of effort by the committed partner will be able to bring the other back to common ground.

    It all boils down to the level of communication available....


    jenn

  3. #3
    SO to GG Missa Miss Maxine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kerigirl2009 View Post
    I need help, the only thing I can think of is give up the side of my life that brings me happiness to get back to the LOVE that I want to share with my wife.
    I am going through a divorce, currently. Your situation sounds very similar to how mine was. I don't really want to tell you what to do, or what to think, but I do think that the above quote does deserve some serious contemplation (I'm not suggesting it's right or wrong, btw). I'll give you this advice, for now: Please take care, and follow your heart's desire. Like Jenn mentioned, communication is key. In my experience, complete honesty and acceptance is crucial, in a relationship. I hope this helps.
    Last edited by Miss Maxine; 09-27-2011 at 12:28 AM.
    I don't try to look like a woman that fits in. I try to look like a woman that stands out.

    http://www.facebook.com/maxinesnotdead

  4. #4
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    Right off, my opinion is that you need therapy, and as a couple you probably need therapy, otherwise the evil hand of divorce is going to slap you on the head. It is no wonder that your wife cooled off towards you. You obviously stepped over her line that is marked "normal" by engaging in rather intense feminization without her participation, or input, in it. If you had discussed your needs, she may have informed you of her needs, and you could have considered her needs before you engaged in the feminization you have done solo. I wish you luck in fixing this hole in the dike before you get washed away in a flood of rejection. If you really love her, go to her and tell her you love her. Then ask her if you can talk to her about what is happening. Tell her you want to save your marriage, and ask her to help save your marriage, if that is what you want. Ask her to set the boundaries of your activity. Talk. Then you can establish a course of action that she approves of. Believe me, divorce is seldom worth persuing, and you were pushing that button pretty hard.

  5. #5
    SO to GG Missa Miss Maxine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ellyn View Post
    Right off, my opinion is that you need therapy, and as a couple you probably need therapy, otherwise the evil hand of divorce is going to slap you on the head
    Divorce isn't evil. I'm sorry, but I think that is an unfair statement. The social perception of marriage and divorce is very one-sided.
    I don't try to look like a woman that fits in. I try to look like a woman that stands out.

    http://www.facebook.com/maxinesnotdead

  6. #6
    "Cindarella Man" Jessica86's Avatar
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    This is a part of you. A part you can not ignore. It is the same with your wife. She must realize this is a part of you. However, when she married, she married a man. Our life styles are selfish at times. We think about what our limits are instead of thinking about theirs. I would say to be a man to your wife. She has been with you all of this time. It's worth tossing this aside for a while and showing her the male side. Patch things up. Then, speak of boundaries and remember it is a sacrifice on both of your parts. I do agree that therapy would do well, but only after improvement from her following your action. This will show she is willing to work with you. If she is willing to work, then therapy won't be a waste of time, and worth it. Show her you want to try to work this out by putting this in the back seat for a while, but explaining how important it is to you later. If things do not get better, things just are not working out. No doctor, therapist or psychologist will be able to fix it.
    "If you think you can or can't, you're right" -Henry Ford

  7. #7
    SO to GG Missa Miss Maxine's Avatar
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    If you don't mind me asking: Do you want her to like and be involved in your crossdressing?
    I don't try to look like a woman that fits in. I try to look like a woman that stands out.

    http://www.facebook.com/maxinesnotdead

  8. #8
    Female Spirit Bernadina's Avatar
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    OK, some questions.

    Why do you think your dressing is the reason she wants a divorce?

    Did she know about your dressing before your marriage?

    Did you keep your dressing a secret from her?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  9. #9
    Just Kate Kaitlyn26's Avatar
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    It's been my experience that you can't make some people happy.
    "I am the beginning and the end. I bring order into chaos. "
    "I never tell the truth, because I do not believe such a thing exists. Truth, is in the eye of the beholder."
    "Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self serving, I shall simply say, good luck."
    "We give no crap, and we take very little."

  10. #10
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    i get were your coming from and maybe you arnt paying atention to her needs , now i know u try to put her first like not letting her see u dressed and all but that could be part of the problem . example 1 you exclude her so she doesnt know what your doing. 2. you say u cant be initimate with her cause your afraid of not pleasing her , well from what i read women like touch rather than just straight up sex stop thinking about yourself and think about her feelings , she might just need u to want to please her in any form rather than give up before u start anything. now to me my wife said that it embaressed her to be seen with me in anything fem outside the home . and right fully so i want her to look her best if shes out with me, not in her saggy baggy pants or sum bum of a shirt so why should she expect any different , 3. talk to her ask her what upsets her about your dressing habits instead of guessing , who know maybe she want to see you in your panties and just doesnt want to admit it . my wife likes mine even though she makes coments here and there about them and can act like she doesnt but will rub me intimately while im wereing them . nude massages go along way in the intimacy part. further more unless u want a therapyst invovled you need to communicate and remember who u are this IS part of u and not the whole u, and marriage is a compremise not just for u to decide whats best for the other person and vise versa talk talk talk and more talk before it goes where u dont want it to go

  11. #11
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    I get where you are coming from and although the D word hasn't been brought up yet and we are still together we are also roomates and not intimate. I've more than once suggested that I give up the crossdressing to reestablish our marriage, but my wife is adamant about my not being true to myself and also very adamant about this not working. I dont if she will be able to live our lives together as we currently do or not and don't really know where this is going. It is very difficult living in a limbo and not having a direction that we are moving in together. The last thing I want to do, like Kerri is to hurt my wife or cause her any distress. Talking with therapists probably is the way to go for yourself and your wife and also to keep talking and listening to each other, best wishes Patty B.

  12. #12
    Life is for having fun. suzy1's Avatar
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    I think I am known here as a member that has no time for therapists.
    I think it’s good for all of to face up to our problems, be strong, and work out our problems ourselves. [You will be stronger and wiser afterwards]
    What you describe is a failing marriage. Any man that crossdresses and then wonders why they have a problem in there relationship is not facing up to reality.
    I know there are some nice stories of crossdressers here that have wonderful marriages and that’s always lovely to hear. But they are in a minority. [I await the inevitable flak from saying that]

    If you go through life trying to be someone you are not just to please your wife you will never be truly happy. I have personal experience of this.

    In all probability you can not achieve true happiness and save your marriage.
    I hope I am wrong and will be the first to share your joy if I am.


    SUZY

  13. #13
    Just Kate Kaitlyn26's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by suzy1 View Post
    I think I am known here as a member that has no time for therapists.
    I think it’s good for all of to face up to our problems, be strong, and work out our problems ourselves. [You will be stronger and wiser afterwards]
    What you describe is a failing marriage. Any man that crossdresses and then wonders why they have a problem in there relationship is not facing up to reality.
    I know there are some nice stories of crossdressers here that have wonderful marriages and that’s always lovely to hear. But they are in a minority. [I await the inevitable flak from saying that]

    If you go through life trying to be someone you are not just to please your wife you will never be truly happy. I have personal experience of this.

    In all probability you can not achieve true happiness and save your marriage.
    I hope I am wrong and will be the first to share your joy if I am.


    SUZY
    You said it exactly right.
    "I am the beginning and the end. I bring order into chaos. "
    "I never tell the truth, because I do not believe such a thing exists. Truth, is in the eye of the beholder."
    "Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self serving, I shall simply say, good luck."
    "We give no crap, and we take very little."

  14. #14
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    Only you can determine if your love for your wife out weighs your love of CDing or not. I will say it's difficult to try and live two different lives at the same time to say the least.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  15. #15
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Keri,
    My heart goes out to you and yours...

    At around 18 years of marriage, after many sexless years, my wife told me she didn't love me anymore...
    Like you, I blamed pills (im guessing anxiety meds?) and crossdressing...
    I bought "keep your marriage together" books...i went to therapy (to be attacked..which i deserved)...

    you can't NOT be a crossdresser... i am sorry to share this opinion, but you can't just quit...if you promise to quit, you will end up breaking that promise.
    your wife knows this in her heart, in the way that women know...

    sorry for you guys, but if she is "out of love", its a difficult mountain to climb...all you can do is support her and validate her feelings, and perhaps she is overstating her negative feelings right now...falling back in love is not likely to happen...
    it sounds so easy to get back the spark in the bedroom, but the damage is permanent, you are who you are, and if she has in her mind your dressing, that is part of the problem...even if you get hairy, man up and become her puppet, she will always know...
    and the negative feelings you will have over this will cause other issues..

    this is tough love..you have to deal with your own reality about who you are , and nothing can change that..

  16. #16
    a bit nutty
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    I see some parallels here between you and I, however I never completely outed myself to my wife. She does know enough to not be surprised when I do tell her. Divorce is not a word that comes into our conversations yet, and I hope it never does.
    What would I do if I were in your shoes? I wouldn't push her limits by wearing makeup and getting my nails done. Shaving your body...well... no biggie. Lots of regular guys do anymore. I wouldn't let her know I underdress. I wouldn't do anything feminine in front of her.
    I know it isn't easy. There are things I would like to do to be myself but our relationship likely won't survive if I did. Either that or it would morph into something she won't tolerate.
    Intimacy is a huge issue. The lack thereof makes it hard for your wife to get that reassurance you're still attracted to her. What medication are you on that inhibits this? You need to get that bed-a-squeaking, often!

    ginger

  17. #17
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    Well keri you are in a bit of a pickle aren't you.

    Do you have an income? I'm thinking from what you have said you do and the job will be a little safety net for you.

    Wife issues: there is nothing that anyone can say that will magically change anyone mind. It is incredible mean spirited of your wife to wave that legal paper in front of your face in an ultimatum (angry or otherwise). That is absolutely wrong, and a real indication that you should be setting down 'together' with a marriage counselor to talk things out. At least to see if there is any marriage left. Marriage generally speaking don't work with less then half making it, so get ride of the cross-dressing guilt stuff.

    If your wife can't deal with Keri then she can't. To give up part of yourself for her is even more wrong. In any event, at the end-of-the-day, you both need to be happy with your lives. If it is the end of the marriage then it is the end of your marriage. However, that also means a new beginning has started. You will get to run around the house in your panties, paint your toes and just be you anytime you want.

    Am I a counselor - nope! So you have to take what I am saying and think on it. You could benefit greatly by talking to a professional. I think there maybe more to Keri then you know. I do know that most marriage problems have very little to do with someone putting on a dress or tie to that matter.

    I wish you the best Keri, it maybe a little rough over the next little while, but I am sure you will come out just fine in the end.
    Love
    v.

  18. #18
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    A million and one questions can be asked and answered without resolve. IF the marriage is to flower with happiness in the future, both parties have to really want it that way. THAT means accepting who each other is, with no secrets, open commmunication, and sharing each others life with each other. It's important for each person to know, we are individual and are not pieces of pottery clay that one can mold to one's satisfaction. IF open acceptance is not possible, then the relationship is not possible, period, unless one party or both decide to live without happiness, and what's the sense in that.

  19. #19
    Aspiring Member kendra_gurl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kerigirl2009 View Post
    I do not dress in front of her, I DO underdress which I guess she can tolerate (maybe)
    I guess its the things that I consider SUTTLE such as shaved arms and legs. Plucking eyebrows, very light make up(on occassion)
    As far as the make up I do try to take it off when I end up back home and I am going to be around family.
    I really pissed her off when I showed up at church with what I figured was well groomed fingernails. NO color but I did put false nails on over my nails and I liked them because the tips where clean and unbroken. not to girly in my opinion, but way over the top for my wife, I did remove them the next morning after I got home from work.

    .
    Keri all of this leads me to think you may feel as if you are transgendered rather than a crossdresser. If that is how you feel I can't give you much advice on how to proceed. I am a Crossdresser and my wife has come to accept and enjoy my feminine side because I involve her in it when we have the oppertunity to do so in total private places. On special weekend trips or very late at night I can be as feminine as I want. I always wear false nails and eyelashes when I dress but NEVER EVER at any other time.

    The statements you made I quoted show how your wife could have to opinion that you have no reguard for how embarressed she is to be around you in public. People do notice those Subtle things even though nothing may be said to you personally. they do mention it to others behind your back. Especially other females love to gossip about it amongst themselves.

    For some it is impossible to seperate the male and female side of themselves so whats left is the constant blending of gender. This will always be a problem for a wife who does not understand.

    If there is a way for you both to agree on specific times where you can be as totally feminine as you need to be while still remaining as masculine as she needs you to be all the rest of the time it can and will work, but YOU have to be able to accept that.

  20. #20
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    Keri, I would absolutely and emphatically encourage you and your wife to seek professional counseling services. Its my experience that all too often, couples are not able to effectively communicate for a variety of reasons. A therapist won't solve your problems, but will help both of you clarify your thinking and your expression. In that manner, you both will have the opportunity to gain understanding of the other.

    Another note. If intimacy is absent in your relationship, you need to do something about it. Nothing makes a woman question a relationship more quickly that the feeling that her lover has lost interest in her.

    Prescriptions are fine, but thats only one small part of intimacy. Most of the women I have known and loved truly appreciate a lover who will take time and creatively touch them...both physically and emotionally. That doesn't require an erection so much as it does an awareness and responsiveness to the woman. Any touch, anywhere can be intimate and erotic. Intimacy can be an embrace in the kitchen, a whisper, a look.

  21. #21
    Previously GraceAnne
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    Quote Originally Posted by suzy1 View Post
    I think I am known here as a member that has no time for therapists.
    I think it’s good for all of to face up to our problems, be strong, and work out our problems ourselves. [You will be stronger and wiser afterwards]
    SUZY
    I totally disagree with this statement. Therapy saved our marriage. She was able to explain to both of us why I felt the way I felt and then we could learn to move past it and/or deal with it. She also taught us how to communicate better. Basically, I DO NOT hold ANY feelings/thoughts in, b/c of the fear of hurting hubby's feelings. Which I think is a very common problem. I know I will hurt his feelings sometimes, but if I hold it in, I will resent him, b/c I felt like I had to bottle it up. He tells me EVERYTHING. I tell him EVERYTHING. (that deals with cding) Even things that shouldn't matter or are so little that you may forget. Why? B/c I have to know that he is not purposely hiding things from me and he needs to know exactly how I feel. That I am not pretending to like something when I don't.

    I can tell you, that she may hate the thought of you underdressing. I know I do, so hubby doesn't. I guess he never desired to do that, so that doesn't really relate. You may think she is okay with stuff, when she really isn't. And the anger builds. If that's the case, it may be too late.

    I can also say I am the type of person that I have to face my fears and discomfort head on and push thru the bad feelings and talk about them. If we hadn't gone to counseling, I wouldn't have been able to cope with doing that and therefore, we would be divorced or I would be dead.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miss Maxine View Post
    Divorce isn't evil. I'm sorry, but I think that is an unfair statement. The social perception of marriage and divorce is very one-sided.
    When you look at divorce as what it really does to a family you will find that it is indeed evil. The importance of a family can only be emphasized by looking at those who oppose the family, keeping in mind that divorce is the terminator of mariage, and marriage is the binding of a family, and the family is the building blocks of a society:

    "In the Manifesto of the Communist Party, Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels wrote that with the introduction of Communism, “The bourgeois family will vanish as a matter of course.”

  23. #23
    Just Kate Kaitlyn26's Avatar
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    I see so many crossdressing men around here that apologize or say they deserve this, or needed that. Makes me so sick that society conditions you all to sacrifice yourselves for the opposite sex so easily. Talk about male conditioning in it's purest form. Try telling your wife what she can't wear. See how ****ing long that shit flies.
    "I am the beginning and the end. I bring order into chaos. "
    "I never tell the truth, because I do not believe such a thing exists. Truth, is in the eye of the beholder."
    "Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self serving, I shall simply say, good luck."
    "We give no crap, and we take very little."

  24. #24
    SO to GG Missa Miss Maxine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ellyn View Post
    When you look at divorce as what it really does to a family you will find that it is indeed evil. The importance of a family can only be emphasized by looking at those who oppose the family, keeping in mind that divorce is the terminator of mariage, and marriage is the binding of a family, and the family is the building blocks of a society:

    "In the Manifesto of the Communist Party, Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels wrote that with the introduction of Communism, “The bourgeois family will vanish as a matter of course.”
    You're right. Two fighting parents who do not love each other, but stay together "for the kids" is better than two parents who are apart, yet are with people they really love that make them happy. That's always what best for the children. Let's teach our children that outdated and pointless political principles are more important than being with someone that makes you happy. That would be setting the best example.

    I knew I'd regret getting in the middle of this. I'm done.
    I don't try to look like a woman that fits in. I try to look like a woman that stands out.

    http://www.facebook.com/maxinesnotdead

  25. #25
    Gold Member MJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by suzy1 View Post
    If you go through life trying to be someone you are not just to please your wife you will never be truly happy. I have personal experience of this.

    SUZY
    please forgive me but sometimes divorce may be best for both of you. you may not know it but from the wifes point of view your marrage's been dead for a long time and she just wants out
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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