I know this is long, I apologize...but please read to the end. I really need advice and I truly want to understand this.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 months now. The first week we were together, I found out he lied about something to protect me and not hurt me, and I've been trying my hardest to trust him since then. I've always been relatively insecure in relationships as far as wondering if they're seeing/talking to other women, but I'd say since the first "incident," I've been able to trust him 90% and he hasn't proven to be untrustworthy since then.
Yesterday, on a surprise picnic I planned for him, I borrowed his phone to go to a website I needed while he was napping, and I found what looked like a fetish website inbox in his recent history. I was compelled to see what it was, and I came across a bunch of messages to women saying how beautiful and sexy they are. My heart sank and I thought he was cheating on me or talking to other women sexually. Then it wasn't quite making sense because the messages seemed to be both to and from a woman. It briefly crossed my mind that my boyfriend might be hiding a complete other life from me, but I was so confused and didn't think it was possible. So I clicked the picture from the sender of these emails, and up came a picture of my boyfriend in makeup, a corset, mini skirt, and thigh highs.
I immediately started shaking, I couldn't breathe, and I wanted to vomit. However, I kept my composure and suggested we immediately pack up and go back to his place because I respect him enough to not have "the conversation" in a park.
As soon as we got back to his place, I sat him down and asked him to tell me if there's anything he's been hiding from me that he might be embarrassed about or he might think is weird that he hasn't told me about. He told me that about 4 years back, his ex had asked him to dress like a girl, and he really enjoyed it and that it became part of their sexual regime. He said they were very into bdsm and that they both created a profile on a website. (The one I had found on his phone.)
He said the profile is old and that he hardly goes on it. When I asked why he had been on it just that morning, he said it was because someone had just messaged him. When I had looked at his inbox previously, there had been pretty frequent activity within the last month. I felt so incredibly betrayed and heartbroken that he hadn't told me about this rather important part of his life. He said he thought about telling me a few times but felt that I would have reacted negatively and I felt like he was blaming me for not telling me instead of taking the responsibility of taking the more difficult path of having full disclosure with me and being completely honest with me to create a truthful, honest base to our relationship.
He admitted that he took the easy way out because it was easier to hide it from me than to face the potential issue and regrets that I found out the way I did. I also immediately felt insecure because he did all sorts of kinky things with his ex, and I feel boring compared to that...but he said he's happy with our sex life. I honestly don't know how he can be if he's used to all that, but I have to believe him. I've asked him in the past what he's into and if there's anything he'd like to do differently in bed because I'm very sexually open minded, but he's never suggested anything. His philosophy is that if we don't both enjoy something, it shouldn't be done because there are plenty of things we can do that we both like. My philosophy is that even if I'm not really into something, I'm willing to compromise or do it anyway just to make him happy, as long as I'm comfortable with it.
My point (I swear I'm getting to one) is that this whole revelation is really screwing with my head. I'm very angry about the way I had to find out. I wish it came from him directly, because it wouldn't have been as big a deal as it now is because I feel betrayed, broken hearted, and lied to. While I completely understand his unwillingness to tell me because of the guilt and shame he feels about it, I'm having a hard time differentiating between that understanding and feeling compassion for him, and my feeling hurt and betrayed.
I honestly feel traumatized right now because of how I found out. I think it's similar to your partner telling you they cheated on you as opposed to you actually walking in on them sleeping with someone else and seeing it for yourself. I can't get the image of my boyfriend in a mini skirt out of my head, and every time it pops up, I'm sick to my stomach. This is where I need help.
Do you actually know why you cross dress? Is there a specific reason? What feelings or satisfaction do you get out of it? Is it always a lifelong thing? I truly want to understand why he gets the urge and what he accomplishes by doing it so that I can change my mind about it. He said it's mostly a narcissistic thing and that he loves the compliments on his pictures and attention he gets on the website when someone says he's beautiful. I'll be honest, and please don't be offended because I'm currently ignorant to the whole thing, but as of right now, I hate it. Trust me, I LOVE drag queens, I go to gay clubs and dance with them, put dollars in their garters, tell them they're beautiful...but it's not what I imagined my dream boyfriend to be. I am so open minded about most things, and I think people should be who they want to be...but I'm strangely disgusted because it's my boyfriend...and I hate that I feel this way because this is exactly why you guys hide it for so long. However, please don't get me wrong...I NEVER reacted negatively when I found out, and I would never attack him or ridicule him. *
I am completely in shock right now, it's 7am and I haven't gone to sleep yet because I'm scouring the Internet for answers and information, and I feel like I'm in a dream I can't wake up from. It sounds really stupid, but I guess what I need is for you guys to change my mind. Right now, I feel that it's wrong, that I don't know who my boyfriend is anymore, and that I can't trust him.
He told me he feels like a freak about it and that he's been trying to suppress that side of him. He hasn't dressed since June, and he's never left his apartment dressed. He said all he does when he dresses is sit around watching TV or hangs around his place. I asked how often he gets the urge, and he said about once a month. He said he sold or got rid of most of his clothing because he's really trying to force it out of his life and his mind. As much as I wish this was not a part of him, I also don't want him to be ashamed of something he is. I ESPECIALLY don't want him to stop doing it just for me. I'm trying to be as open minded as possible, and I'm hoping once the initial shock dies off that I'll have a eureka! moment and just embrace it. Though he's made it clear that he's not interested in continuing it, (and I'm afraid it's not because he's no longer into it, but that he feels so ashamed about it to live with himself as he's mentioned he hasn't had any self-esteem for a long time because of his "dirty little secret") and he especially doesn't want to continue if I'm not interested in it.
So can someone please snap me out of this dream and explain to me why some men just enjoy doing this? I really appreciate it and thank you for taking the time to help me.
-Hayley