Another coming out to SO thread

[kellynccd]

First off, Hello! I'm new around here. This forum has been a great resource for dealing with my crossdressing.

I fit the standard CD profile, been doing it since 12, going through all the issues which are getting easier with age and maturity... you all know the story. Now the reason I'm hear is I came out to my GF a little over a year ago. It was a big shock to her and she had trouble dealing with it. Life sucked for a couple weeks. A couple visits to to couples therapist and now things are back to pre-outing days but internally it's tough for me.

I'd really like to get back into CDing but it just doesn't seem like it can happen. It would be too tough for the girl I love. Between us the CDing is pretty much not brought up because we don't want to go back to the bad time in our relationship. Every other month I almost work up the nerves to let her know how I've been feeling but it just doesn't happen. I'm just dreaming of the day she goes, "hey Buy a wig, dress, and makeup and get all dolled up for me"' but I know it won't happen.

How do you girls out there handle your feelings when a SO knows but won't budge on there stance. I have a feeling this is eating me away on the inside and effecting me emotionally. I haven't dressed in over 4 years and it kinda sucks.

Just coming here and posting this is a big step and helping me vent some CD steam.

Thanks for listening!
Kelly

P.S. I'm not too active on forums but I will check in a bunch and take in all the valuable info.

[Kittyagain]

Kelly if you have been reading the post you will know each case is different. The bottom line is be honest, understand her side and realize it is you that has to make up your mind on how best to deal with your situation.

Kitty

[pernille d]

poor you 4 years that a long time 4 weeks and i would be a wreck. The good thing is you are out and honest with your GF . but dont go dreaming of the day she comes running and saying what you want to hear . that is unrealistic. like many things here COMUNICATION is the best thing . i am a wreck because i started down that road as it has eaten me up totally inside .be frank open and say it as it is and work it out.

my wife knows about my lingeri , does not like it , teases me about it, but would prefer i did not do it and leaves it at that .she knows its more than just lingeri bt does not let on or say, so thats not good for her or me but thats how it is just now so dont end up like me let your feelings be known now. its better its all out now as then there is something to build on and it can only get better , if it comes out in drips and drabs she will never trust you and that normally leads to not accepting you.i wish i had done it and now its gone on so long its a bigger problem . emotionaly its eatan away at me too and as to your question how to handle that you cant ,it just messes you up and then no one is happy

bite the bullet and tell her how it is, its the only way

[Jenniferathome]

Kelly, I have not been in your situation but if anything is ever "eating you up" then you have to talk about it. Perhaps you can suggest going to counseling again. We all know that cross dressing is part of us and you can't supress it forever. You do have to respect your SO's sensitivities but talking should never be off limits. If you can't communicate and have to lie to please her, your relationship is doomed anyway. you really have a no lose situation. Talking is the only solution. Best of luck.

[J'lyn GG]

Kelly,
A 'couple of sessions' won't help anything. I can guess that your g/f is wondering if you are dressing behind her back and its probably tearing her up inside, as well. I didn't think I could budge with my feelings on cding, but I did. It took weekly marriage counseling for 7 months to get us to where we're at now. We had to learn to communicate in a different way. Hubs had to think of me before making decisions about his cding. If I have a question, I always ask, if I'm bothered or not bothered by something, I always tell. Your g/f has to be able to talk to you, yell at you, ask questions, all that, without worrying about hurting your feelings. I had to let myself be a little selfish, as well. To lay out my boundaries/comfort levels. You lay out your desires, then come to a compromise that both can try to live with. THey may change over time, towards her way or towards yours, but it will take time. Lots of time.

I cannot tell you how important (I think) an open book policy is. That is what has saved our marriage. I have to know that he is not hiding anything (in the name of protecting my feelings) or going to do something without discussing it with me. He always discusses purchases, outings, everything with me. He cannot allow the cding to overtake our lives. We don't live our lives around his cding, we fit it into our lives, together. I am not happy that he cds, but I love him more than anything.

I have learned that burying your head in the sand just makes it worse when you tell her 'again'. Good luck. Please remember to go slow. Try to let her take the lead (once you have come to the cding compromise). You may be surprised by where she heads, if given the chance to come to terms with things without any pressure.

[kellynccd]

Thanks you all for the replies!

It's not a dire situation by any means. I know it's hard to display emotion via text but read my initial post with a light heart. She and I have great communication on everything but I'm just afraid to bring this back up. I definitely consider her side now, that was a sticking point when I first came out. I had 20+ years of dealing with this and she had a few days. My girlfriend is a very open and understanding woman, I just happened to possess the trait that she has the toughest time dealing with. What are the odds.

I think coming to this forum is a first step in a second conversation. Deep down I know what I have to do but boy"/girl" is it tough. I've already tracked down a different therapist who is a little more knowledgable on the topic, if it comes to it.

[kimdl93]

kelly, I'm wondering if you have any way of approaching your SO to discuss how you feel about this. You've made a remarkable effort to push this part of out the picture, but maybe there needs to be some discussion of how you its making you feel. Its wonderful to be considerate of her, but at the very least she needs to know and appreciate the emotional burden it places on you. Perhaps at a minimum she'd realize how much you are willing to endure in order to maintain the relationship. And perhaps she could begin to reconsider her position to make life a bit easier for you.

[Eryn]

Hi Kelly, welcome to the forum. It's nice to hear from you and I hope that we can lend some good advice about your problem.

...things are back to pre-outing days but internally it's tough for me.

I'd really like to get back into CDing but it just doesn't seem like it can happen. It would be too tough for the girl I love. Between us the CDing is pretty much not brought up because we don't want to go back to the bad time in our relationship. Every other month I almost work up the nerves to let her know how I've been feeling but it just doesn't happen. I'm just dreaming of the day she goes, "hey Buy a wig, dress, and makeup and get all dolled up for me"' but I know it won't happen. I have a feeling this is eating me away on the inside and effecting me emotionally.

It seems to me that the result of your "therapy" was simply stuffing your feminine self back into the closet with no consideration of your feelings or emotional health.

Not discussing this with your wife hasn't helped matters. From her point of view, everything is fine because she has no clue about what is going on inside of you.

It sounds to me like you need to sit down with your wife and have a heart-to-heart discussion about this. She needs at least to know about your distress.

Relationships are built on communication and give-and-take. Ultimatums and lines in the sand aren't constructive at all.

[Leslie Langford]

Yes, Kelly, guilt keeps many of us trapped in a "don't ask, don't tell" type of situation with an unsupportive SO - especially those of us who did not tell her about this side of ourselves before we embarked on a long term relationship or marriage with her on the assumption that this was just a phase, and that this relationship would cure us - NOT!

In my case, my wife and I generally have strict boundaries and she has made it very clear that she never wants to meet "Leslie", see a picture of her, or even see her things - although surprisingly enough, she has agreed to let me keep "Leslie's" clothes in my closet (albeit in non see-through garment bags). And while I respect that stance, I also have no intention of going into a depression one day because I am expected to suppress something that is so fundamental to my being and my mental health for no better reason than that she just doesn't "like it".

After many years of putting up with this, I - ironically enough - decided to grow a pair and simply asserted to my wife that this is who/what I am, and that I am no longer willing to simply sweep it under the rug. I have since empowered myself by going out in public as "Leslie" over the last few years, have found a make up artist who I visit semi-regularly for makeovers and who has since become a friend, and have become a regular customer of a number of boutiques and consignment stores whose accepting owners not only know all about ""Leslie" but also welcome "her" into their stores just like any other GG customer. These women do not have the same hang-ups regarding crossdressers that my wife does, so despite her attempts to indoctrinate me to the contrary, I now know from first-hand experience that she is not the universal spokesperson for all womanhood in this regard, as she would once have me believe.

I make no secret of this "second life" to her anymore, and while I rarely broach the subject of my crossdressing on my own out of deference to my wife's views, whenever she feels compelled to bring it up to give me a hard time, I feel neither embarrassed nor shame in talking openly about it now. I answer all of her questions and comments (usually negative) freely and honestly, and I no longer cringe at the thought of using the words "crossdresser" or "transgendered" in conversations with her when she tries to shame me into stopping. If anything, I have taken ownership of those two terms the way black people have taken ownership of the "N" word for similar reasons, and use them without hesitation whenever the situation warrants it.

I have also learned that it is futile to ask "permission" for engaging in any of my crossdressing activities, so now I simply do what I have to do and d%mn the consequences. A prime example is when I started shaving off all my body hair about 2 years ago. It became a HUGE issue between us initially, but I opted to follow instead the philosophy of "my body my, choice" (and not coincidentally, the same philosophy that GG's espouse when it comes to taking control over their own bodies to justify abortion.) Well, I stuck to my guns, the brouhaha finally died down, and it is now a non-issue.

My wife finally "gets" that I will never stop being a crossdresser and has largely abandoned that battle. The focus now is more on how much attention I pay to "Leslie" as opposed to herself, and how much money I spend on my "hobby" between the clothes, the shoes, lingerie, manicures, makeovers, and cosmetics. This is a much more manageable issue, and one that I am far more inclined to compromise on. My wife and I have simply agreed now to disagree on a number of points related to my crossdressing and let it go at that. Most of the time, we manage to maintain an uneasy truce over this issue, and while it may not be the perfect solution, it has kept us together in a 30+ year marriage which is otherwise very good and definitely worth maintaining.

[kellynccd]

The therapist we saw was pro CDing in the relationship and was working on getting my GF to accept it. I feel it was the wrong approach by the therapist, she needed to understand it before being asked to accept it. I think he didn't know CDing, just how to get two people to work through a "harmless kink" (his words). We stopped therapy due to my financial situation but if I do make it back it will be with a different doc.

My GF is actually not ill about CDing in other guys, she told me she just doesn't understand it. She likes the masculine side of me and she said she would have trouble with a feminine side. It's a double sided sword, she wants me to be able to be who I am (crossdresser), but doesn't think she could handle it in our relationship. The relationship is the most important thing to me right now. If she were to meet Kelly, I feel it would seer a lasting image in her mind that she would not be able to shake. She would cease seeing her manly man and see something else not appealing to her. I'm worried about doing that.

She saw an ugly "man in a dress" on TV and asked me "is that what you want to be!?!?". She doesn't want to see her hairy, burly man with a dime store wig and bright red lipstick. That is not what it is too me, I can look way better, in my eyes at least!

I truly thank all that have replied. Your comments provide me some valuable insight.

[J'lyn GG]

The therapist we saw was pro CDing in the relationship and was working on getting my GF to accept it. I feel it was the wrong approach by the therapist, she needed to understand it before being asked to accept it. I think he didn't know CDing, just how to get two people to work through a "harmless kink" (his words). We stopped therapy due to my financial situation but if I do make it back it will be with a different doc.

My GF is actually not ill about CDing in other guys, she told me she just doesn't understand it. She likes the masculine side of me and she said she would have trouble with a feminine side. It's a double sided sword, she wants me to be able to be who I am (crossdresser), but doesn't think she could handle it in our relationship. The relationship is the most important thing to me right now. If she were to meet Kelly, I feel it would seer a lasting image in her mind that she would not be able to shake. She would cease seeing her manly man and see something else not appealing to her. I'm worried about doing that.

She saw an ugly "man in a dress" on TV and asked me "is that what you want to be!?!?". She doesn't want to see her hairy, burly man with a dime store wig and bright red lipstick. That is not what it is too me, I can look way better, in my eyes at least!

I truly thank all that have replied. Your comments provide me some valuable insight.

Kelly, our therapist wasn't experienced in cding in a marriage, either. (gender identity, yes) What I liked about her was she didn't seek to make me accept or make him quit. SHe would always say, I don't know where this will go... I had to tell her that divorce was not an option for us. That is when we really started working on communication.

Anyway, I don't care if other people are cders. I really don't. BUT, I don't want it in my marriage. Especially when I wasn't given the option. Just b/c women in stores don't have a problem with cders, doesn't mean they would be okay with their husband being a cder. Most people can intellectually accept cding, but not emotionally and spiritually. And if it doesn't affect them, they don't have to worry about the emotional and spiritual acceptance. My on that.

When I found out, I jumped on the internet. Good and bad. I read about people who consider themselves cders, but dress 24/7. That's scary. Or they decide they want to transition. Even scarier. (for the wife) You can also read about cders that don't give a fig about their wives' feelings. As a wife, I wondered if he would turn into one of those. But it also gave me a way to look at it from a different angle. To take myself out of the situation and look at it in a rational way. It helped to try to help others that were worse off than me. Until, of course, they attack you. LOL There are a few books out there, as well. ALice in Genderland and My husband Betty are a couple we got. There was another, but...hmm.

Your g/f may be surprised by what she can handle. I had a panic attack, deep depression, etc. And I'm handling it. In fact, my hubs is extremely happy with where we're at right now. I wouldn't call myself extremely happy with where we're at with the cding, but it is what it is. He's a good man and I'm not willing to give up over this.

If you decide to discuss it with her, please choose your words carefully. When hubs told me, he said something in a VERY BAD way. Its not what he meant, but I will NEVER forget those words. They shook me to my core. On the surface, I know he didn't mean them, but...you can't take words back.

[NicoleScott]

Kelly, a therapist is one who performs therapy. Therapy is treatment of illness, disability, or disorder. I like to think of it as counseling rather than treating what your GF thinks is YOUR disorder. But it's not a disorder - it just is how you are. Maybe a third person can assist the two of you to work through the issues that your crossdressing (and her opposition to it) has raised, but that person should be neutral about the crossdressing. But here's the important thing about counseling: you and your GF should be in agreement on the reason you are seeking counseling. Too often the CD wants the counselor to help the SO to accept the crossdressing, and the SO wants the counselor to help the CD quit crossdressing. Doomed for failure.

It sounds like there may be room for compromise. You need to do it but she doesn't want to see it. Maybe you can work out a way for you to do it private. Many couples have a "I know you do it but I don't want to see it or hear about it" (don't ask don't tell) policy. The good news is that you will have a better chance of pulling it off if you make sure you are the manly man she wants you to be when it's not private dressup time.

The bad news is that your drive to dress probably won't go away. The other bad news is that some women simply cannot toerate a crossdressing man. This needs a resolution.

[Stephanie47]

Personal belief. If you are miserable now, you are going to be miserable forever. And, it will negatively continue to affect your relationship with your GF. And, it will negatively affect your relationship with everyone. She appears to be up front with you- none acceptance. Have you and she develop other areas of your personal relationship that would make your frustration worthwhile? I think there is a greater chance of a relationship surviving cross dressing when a strong foundation has already been established.

[Aprilrain]

I'd dump her she dosen't accept you and the CDing doesn't go away! Of course if you're as assertive with your needs as she has been with hers you might be able to come to an accord until then she kinda has you by the B#$%^

[Karren H]

I'd dump her she dosen't accept you and the CDing doesn't go away! Of course if you're as assertive with your needs as she has been with hers you might be able to come to an accord until then she kinda has you by the B#$%^

While I kind of agree with you about parting ways... But not wanting something isn't really a "need"... Especially since it wasn't disclosed before the relationship started..

From her standpoint, it's like buying a blue car with leather seats that turns pink with white satin seats after 3 years... You hate pink and it won't change back to blue even though you try to repaint it again and again...... So trade it in on a new one... Or run it over a cliff!! Lol.

[JamieG]

My GF is actually not ill about CDing in other guys, she told me she just doesn't understand it. She likes the masculine side of me and she said she would have trouble with a feminine side. It's a double sided sword, she wants me to be able to be who I am (crossdresser), but doesn't think she could handle it in our relationship. The relationship is the most important thing to me right now. If she were to meet Kelly, I feel it would seer a lasting image in her mind that she would not be able to shake. She would cease seeing her manly man and see something else not appealing to her. I'm worried about doing that.

It is possible to be a CDer and not involve your wife. I'm not suggesting that you sneak around behind her back. Instead simply explain to her that this is something you need to do, but that out of respect for her wishes you'll do your best to keep it out of her sight. Ask her if there are certain boundaries that would be deal-breakers for her (e.g., going out to public places, meeting other CDers, shaving your legs, etc.) and if you can live with these boundaries, agree to them. If you cannot, then the two of you need to negotiate, and then you need to live within the agreed boundaries. Always be honest when she asks a question, and don't go off and do something that you think she might have a problem with before consulting her. Most importantly, be careful that the CDing never becomes more important than her.

In the nine years since I came out to my wife, she has probably seen me in drag a total seven times, three of which were special events: a Halloween party and two charity drag shows. When I first told her, she was freaked out. She said she couldn't look at me without imagining a freak in a dress. After a few rough weeks we began talking again and eventually rediscovering the closeness we had felt. Three months after disclosure she dressed me up to see what I would like, and it turned out she was okay with it. However, it simply did nothing for her, so I tend to CD when we aren't together. She's okay with me taking one night a month to go to a CD support group, and I'm okay with her going out to dinner with her girlfriends once in a while.

I wish both of you all the best!

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

She saw an ugly man in a dress...... You obviously see something much more than that so you should have told her what you see. I am probably an ugly man in a dress but I assure you and everyone else that is not what I see. I am all for total honesty now, that's what I suggest when ever I post a reply to a question like this. Of course it is easier now for me since I was totally dishonest for the first 18 years of my marriage and now that my wife has too much vested in me to shit can me I can get away with more than if I had been honest from the start. Good luck.

[SweetPea_GG]

[QUOTE=kellynccd;2618480]
My GF is actually not ill about CDing in other guys, she told me she just doesn't understand it. She likes the masculine side of me and she said she would have trouble with a feminine side. It's a double sided sword, she wants me to be able to be who I am (crossdresser), but doesn't think she could handle it in our relationship. The relationship is the most important thing to me right now. If she were to meet Kelly, I feel it would seer a lasting image in her mind that she would not be able to shake. She would cease seeing her manly man and see something else not appealing to her. I'm worried about doing that.

This part stood out and hit a chord with me. I can relate to your gf. I don't have issues with other men cding but when it comes to my husband the man I have given my all for it's hard on so many levels. You talk about how she might feel if she ever saw you. From my experience of just seeing only pictures of my husband they I think will forever be burned in my head and it's hard for me to get past even now almost a year later. BUT that's me and not her. She may be totally different. The good thing about your situation is that you were truthful to her and shared it with her.

It will take time and she may end up very accepting or unaccepting. But that's when you need to step back see your priorites take a good look at your life exhale and do what your heart tells you. NOT what others think you should do. Only YOU know what you can handle in life not strangers

[kellynccd]

Wow, lots of info to go through! I wish I had time to respond to each but that may take a while. One thing I want to be known is that I am far from miserable, I'm actually quite happy. I just want to remain in a happy healthy relationship and manage the CDing, preferably getting to dress one day. It may happen, it may not.

I did have the second talk with my GF last night. It went well, most feelings and thoughts have not changed. We were able to talk about how we've dealt with it over the past year. We will hopefully be a little more open so it is not treated like some hidden shame. We are going to seek another psychologist/councilor that specializes in the gender issues. I feel good about things. I just want my GF to know what is going on, whether she accepts it or not in some shape or form seems like it would be tough for her.

[Ellepet]

My SO and I actually have reversed reactions to this, which is quite ironic. I feel actual physical pain at the thought of him having to hide any aspect of himself from someone he loved and committed his life to (his first wife) and he's very "meh" about it. He would be willing to "shut down", as he put it, all this and delete every file, bookmark, picture and never look back. That thought kills me. That, to me, would be like cutting out a very real part of him and giving me just a piece rather than a fabulous whole. I wonder if she feels insecure or threatened. I did. I wondered if he'd want me as a woman when he already had that covered (my ignorance speaking there). Somehow I developed amnesia about all the time he spent making me feel very desirable as a woman before I knew so why would that very baseless thought exist? Again. My ignorance.

[Staci G]

Kelly, it is most likely not what you want to hear but the truth is she is not going to change her mind about how she feels about your cross dressing. If you want to carry this relationship further then you will have to hide or stop your crossdressing. Fact is if she has this much control on you before anything resembling marriage, (cohabitation) she wll have your b*!!$ in her purse before leaving the church or justice of the peace whichever. Trust me on this, it would be a true miracle if she ran in saying "please honey try on that new dress for me". Ain't gonna happen! good luck in your future and learn something it took me years to learn, BE HAPPY and stop trying to make everyone else happy by making yourself miserable.

[SweetPea_GG]

My one suggestion to you from this poi
T on NEVER hide it from her. Just my opinio
But hiding something or sneaking around ends up just as bad ad the lying itself.

You never know once she has better knowledge of it all her feelingsight change. Maybe encourage her to join this forum we have a awesome bunch of GGs like myself who have been where she is. We don't have answers but we have support. It's helped me have a place I can ho to let out feelings since no one knows about my husbands dressing.

[kellynccd]

I could not imagine dressing without her knowledge. That is farther then I'd like it to go.

I don't know if she'd be willing to seek advice here. A year ago I told her about this sight and after she visited it, it kind of freaked her out. I think it was like jumping in the CD shark tank and was overwhelmed. She got to see the real side if CDing without being ready for it. At a later time I may let her know that there could be some support for her here.

[SweetPea_GG]

I think if she limits where she explores here it could be ok. The loved ones section is a good place. It might be s bit of a shock to view threads in this section as a lot are quite "open". But once she gets 10 posts she can apply for the FAB forum. It's nice there with just us GGs I've gotten a lot of help and just emotional support. So hopefully we see her around. I think we need more of us GGs around here

[Shelly67]

My pennies worth ......
Firstly I think it needs to be recognised Kelly is emotionally involved in her plight . To advise "dumping" in my mind is rather blunt .
After 4 years of abstinence , the situation relates to consideration towards his partner , even at the cost of his own happiness . Remember 4 years certainly shows its a serious relationship .
It also echoes how sincere the partnership is after his partner attended therapy together .
If there is a way to eradicate the differences between these two , then I hope in reflection to just how long its been troubling them , I really hope they find the answear .
kelly , like others have remarked , have you sat down , honestly talked openly on how you feel NOT dressing is having an effect on you ,really opened up and I mean after all the previous efforts trying to build an understanding ? If the reality of not dressing is causing you stress , then I'll bet its causing tension in the relationship . I think it really is a communication problem here , and whole heartidly agree we need more female input on the matter . How it'd be so informative to read multiple femanine advice ( but thats another issue )right across the site seeing everything from a ladies point of view . And putting a £s worth in - not a pennies .
I think the idea of seeing a proffessional together is a wonderful idea , praps you can work on that and take it further ?
I suppose after that then there is only one thing you could try ..... It means contemplating on how you go about it ( after all only you know how to talk to your opposite and how she will react so a mediator between you is beneficial) then being brave , BE TOTALLY HONEST , sit down and talk . It won't be easy , the one piece of advice I'll always stick by is listen carefully . If it gets heated back off . Perhaps you could start by asking her , if it gets too emotional for either of you , cease before it erupts into a quarrel or tears . Especially perhaps , if after councelling and obviously whilst at home chatting.
After all you don't wish to hurt either of you - do you ?
That is the one and only first step you can take .
Perhaps this will get you thinking ....... IF you can talk openly ( make it short , perhaps agree to talk again later ) and after some consideration , IF the subject turns to the worry of your partner ready to see you dressed for the first time ( passable or not ) then the one thing I swear is beneficial - try to make it light fun .Don't push the issue . When and IF she is ready maybe she could even help you dress ?? Perhaps you could both make a night of it ....?
That is obviously a long way further down the line , please please don't rush in .

I dunno , its just the one thing that has stuck with me in this thread is that you seem ( both of you ) adamant to continue your relationship no matter what . And I bet you'll try every avenue to stay together , trying to gain understanding as you grow , but rather scared of confronting the issue . At least if you try to obtain the goal , you'll always have the reality of knowing later in life without question you have tried . Both of you .

That has to be applauded .

And it also has to be cherished .

You really need to talk .

Good luck.