Another coming out to SO thread

[kellynccd]

Shelly67, that was a helpful post! Your pennies are worth pounds. Thank you!

[Shelly67]

Strange as it may be , I think my input was something you already knew ........ praps just needed anothers slight support and perspective to bring things into clarity. Its not surprising tho , 4 years of want is enough to cloud anyones perspective. I truely hope through mediation you'll find a route to talking without worry and fear , then together be able to gain common ground . Its obviously not easy opening up , but if the heart is strong and compasionate then the only way forward is to address all questions .....
In time , we all look back sometimes and wonder what on earth all our worries were about .....
I wish you both all the very best .

[kellynccd]

Well I made it to a Therapist who deals with this type of thing and it has been of value. On my last visit I took my GF and while things are still good between us, the CDing outlook is fairly bleak. My girl can't see a way that she could accept it. We have another meeting in couple of weeks by which time I hope to have more things figured out. My hopes for an accepting SO are pretty low if not non existent now. To all who have accepting SO's, I'm now officially jealous of you. In the grand scheme of things life could be worse, I still have a loving girlfriend.

[Stacey Summer]

As others have said it takes communication. Take it slow, let her have the lead in any conversations regarding it. Make a mental list of any quesions she may ask and be prepared to answer them fully and honestly. If things go bad again I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions. One of those would be "Is my relationship worth compromising my emotional and mental health?" If she is totally unaccpeting and you continue to deny this side of you then it is likely that you will become depressed, bitter at your SO and end up resenting her. Which will kill your relationship.

This is not a fetish for you, it's not something that is easy to push out of the way. It is an integral part of your personality and sense of self. I had something similar with my SO when she realised that my CDing was more than just a bedroom thing. After several fights I told her that unless she at least allowed me to inulge occasionally the relationship was over. It was harsh but I have suffered from depression before and I was damned if I was going to put myself in a position to suffer again.

Stacey.

[Mandy]

[SIZE="4"]Kelly Hi
My Heart goes out to you and to others in this situation please dont be jealous of someone as this is really a bad thing to be and does tend to make things worse for yourself.

My gf knows I dress & she has seen all my clothes ect, but still as far as I know still in the Non Acceptance Club
The other week she actually paid a compliment to my clothes that I have got from Next, sure makes a change from the verbal abuse
I have also had threats to expose me for what I am, but at the end of the day, I am who I am, no one can take that away from me.

I get like that low feeling & eating myself up, when I carnt dress and so do other tv's & cd's in our predicament, luckily she works a 24 hour shift pattern so I unfortunatly have to dress and go out when she is not around when she is at home I have respect her wishes suffer in silence and climb the wall.

I do hope things work out for you[/SIZE]

[ReineD]

Well I made it to a Therapist who deals with this type of thing and it has been of value. On my last visit I took my GF and while things are still good between us, the CDing outlook is fairly bleak. My girl can't see a way that she could accept it. We have another meeting in couple of weeks by which time I hope to have more things figured out. My hopes for an accepting SO are pretty low if not non existent now. To all who have accepting SO's, I'm now officially jealous of you. In the grand scheme of things life could be worse, I still have a loving girlfriend.

She doesn't have to accept it, at least not right away. But, she does need to understand it is a part of you and it won't go away. It may be easy to repress the urges now at your age, but if you read the thousands of threads here from the older CDers, you will see this gets increasingly difficult especially when you reach middle age.

I love what Kim suggested in post #7. Your gf needs to know the burden that not expressing yourself places on you. And hopefully, she will then be able to see the only solution is some sort of compromise. If not, then I don't see much future for your relationship in the long run, especially as you will age and grow to resent her and your situation. You are already beginning to feel the strain. Or, you may decide to go underground with this if the urges become too strong, which I don't think is healthy for anyone. But, if she doesn't want to see you dressed, then maybe you can both figure out ways you can dress without involving her, such as allocating specific times per week either when you are alone, or if you want to join a TG support group. In the meantime, she cannot ignore this is a part of you and she should start taking the time to educate herself either by reading books or good online sites, and also she could become a member here and join our FAB support group. While here, maybe she could get to also know other CDers and with exposure to different people, she may well lose some of her fears.

[J'lyn GG]

Well I made it to a Therapist who deals with this type of thing and it has been of value. On my last visit I took my GF and while things are still good between us, the CDing outlook is fairly bleak. My girl can't see a way that she could accept it. We have another meeting in couple of weeks by which time I hope to have more things figured out. My hopes for an accepting SO are pretty low if not non existent now. To all who have accepting SO's, I'm now officially jealous of you. In the grand scheme of things life could be worse, I still have a loving girlfriend.

I didn't think I could accept it in the beginning, either. It took time, but we have made progress. Quite frankly, I think its a little selfish to EXPECT anyone to accept it right away. And don't be jealous of those with accepting SOs, speak with them and find out how they did it, then live by those practices.

[Piora]

It seems to me that the result of your "therapy" was simply stuffing your feminine self back into the closet with no consideration of your feelings or emotional health.

Yeah, that ain't gonna work.

If there's one thing I've discovered about myself, and as evidenced by others just like me, here on CD.com, is that you can push it to one side, and try to forget about it....but the longer you are able to do that, the more intense it becomes, and when you finally give into it, it will come down on you like the proverbial ton of bricks. It's like holding your breath until you're ready to pass out, and then when you do get that air....ohhhhh....it feels so good!

The therapist we saw was pro CDing in the relationship and was working on getting my GF to accept it. I feel it was the wrong approach by the therapist, she needed to understand it before being asked to accept it. I think he didn't know CDing, just how to get two people to work through a "harmless kink" (his words). We stopped therapy due to my financial situation but if I do make it back it will be with a different doc.

I agree. Wrong tactics, completely. He obviously didn't sense the huge brick wall that your GF had put up as regards CDing....at least as far as you are concerned.

Kelly, a therapist is one who performs therapy. Therapy is treatment of illness, disability, or disorder. I like to think of it as counseling rather than treating what your GF thinks is YOUR disorder. But it's not a disorder - it just is how you are.

That's a good point, Nicole. I don't believe that the desire to crossdress is any of those things. It's just part of you.

The bad news is that your drive to dress probably won't go away.

There are several hundred or so (probably more) on here that can certainly attest to that!

The other bad news is that some women simply cannot tolerate a crossdressing man. This needs a resolution.

Unfortunately this is true. However, I have seen cases (particularly on our site) where this is how it started off, and over time the wife or GF softened her position on it, and many got to the point where they started to embrace it.

I'd dump her she dosen't accept you and the CDing doesn't go away! Of course if you're as assertive with your needs as she has been with hers you might be able to come to an accord until then she kinda has you by the B#$%^

Well, the "dumping" part is easy to say, but when you love someone deeply, then you can't just do that. April, we know the CDing doesn't go away....we've been there, and can attest to it. But yes, love also has a way of grabbing you by the "B#$%^". You have to decide whether you want to Dress....or walk around with damaged jewels

From her standpoint, it's like buying a blue car with leather seats that turns pink with white satin seats after 3 years... You hate pink and it won't change back to blue even though you try to repaint it again and again...... So trade it in on a new one... Or run it over a cliff!! Lol.

Good metaphor, Karren. I liked that.

Wow, lots of info to go through! I wish I had time to respond to each but that may take a while. One thing I want to be known is that I am far from miserable, I'm actually quite happy. I just want to remain in a happy healthy relationship and manage the CDing, preferably getting to dress one day. It may happen, it may not.

I like the way you're thinking, Kelly. Glad you're happy, because that's really what give and take in a relationship is all about.

I did have the second talk with my GF last night. It went well, most feelings and thoughts have not changed. We were able to talk about how we've dealt with it over the past year. We will hopefully be a little more open so it is not treated like some hidden shame. We are going to seek another psychologist/councilor that specializes in the gender issues. I feel good about things. I just want my GF to know what is going on, whether she accepts it or not in some shape or form seems like it would be tough for her.

Definitely, you are taking the right approach with this. Keep the lines of communication open, and keep thinking positively. My suggestion is that you need to be patient. This is not something that is going to happen in the short term. I think if you love one another enough, then you will come to an understanding, or a compromise.

I could not imagine dressing without her knowledge. That is farther than I'd like it to go.

While that is commendable, I think it may become more than you can bear. Let's see this for what it is: It's a part of you....part of your personality....you have a larger dose of 'Femininity' than the average man does. That part of you needs to be expressed, to be cherished. I don't want to paint a negative picture for you, Kelly - but the odds are not in your favour.

At a later time I may let her know that there could be some support for her here.

Yeah, I think her coming on here was rather like getting tossed in the deep end. Good point on the support end of it, though. I'd give it some time - and then gently suggest it.

Good luck, and I hope things will happen for you in time. Keep us up to date on your progress.