I'm somewhat like you Paula where my wife is somewhat ok with it. I attended support meetings back in February, but then that group fell apart. At home I've dressed in front of her and I go to a club once every 8 weeks. She has helped me with my makeup in the past and we go shopping (im in drab though). She doesn't want to go out with me dressed though.....working on that but I don't know if that will ever happen
I've been dressing in front of the wife for 35 years now, yes the first few times where nerve wracking, but you both get over that, I used to dress just now and then, trying not to wear out Tina's welcome, but after awhile when ever she would notice I was getting quite, and withdrawn, she started recommending I go put on something pretty, now after all these years, she goes off to work, and since I'm home alone for the first half of the day, she never knows how I will be dressed when she gets home. If she comes home and finds me dressed she generally has a comment like, "Oh, you look nice today, that outfit looks good on you." And then the rest of the day goes on as usual. It has not hurt our relationship, but then my wife was cool about it and took me shopping for clothes the day I told her. After 40 years of marriage, our friends still kid us, because when we are out in public, we still walk hand in hand.
Tina B.
Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.
My wife knows about my habit and never walked in on me. She tollerates it but she wants it to be kept private from her. I dressed up in front of her once and it really upset her and I spent a good deal of time trying to calm her down from crying. She does enjoy getting to paint my fingernails though because she finds that funny. We discussed it in length and she wants it kept private from her for now though she wants me to continue to do it, and she may at some point come around to being more involved with the fem me but not yet.
I agree that if she has expressed some interest you should dress for her. Her reaction will not be all that bad and will not cause back lash. My wife's attitude is very similar to what you have described, but over time she has allowed me to dress at home with her present and is becoming used to seeing me dressed. It may not be her favorite thing, but she tolerates it with no negative comments. Talk to your wife about setting a time for you to dress in her presence and enjoy it. Be sure to thank her for making it a special night.
I think you have to weigh out everything, and be open when in drab. I think if you are open with her, and let her know where you stand, she will eventually open up the playing field, and look for times for you to dress, and definitely in front of her. No promises, but honesty, and openness seems to be a good policy if you want to invite the female you to the female spouse, and play as big a roll as the drab you. Just my .02 cents.
Toodles,
Eve
Trudy Evonne Monroe
I can promise you this: beauty - comes from the inside not the exterior surface. Beauty is not something you put-on...it's something you bring out. Many sisters get so caught up in trying to improve their appearance that they fail to enjoy the pleasure of becoming beautiful. ¨Renee Reyes¨
Even though I thought I had the best of both worlds, Dressing or Drab...She developed a problem with DRUGS...sorry I said anything...I feel bad sometimes because I manipulated her into a Divorce. She was fine with my dressing in the closet, yet when I wanted to go public...uhhh no way. It will cause a Divorce she said, so I exclaimed that I was going to start drinking BEER again, she cleaned house in 96, but I guess I won...
That's my thought too. My wife wanted to see photos of Tash all done up, but in reality she never wants to see her in the flesh. She is however, OK with me dressing minus the hair and make up whilst we are home alone . It's her way of showing acceptance to that side of me, without compromising the image of her husband too much.Originally Posted by Sophie86
You both have to talk, and establish the boundaries.
Good luck
Tash
Communicate, communicate, communicate!
You have to do what is comfortable for the both of you. I was very hesitant to dress in front of my wife because I had never dressed completely and felt unsure of myself and of what she would think of me. I was also not comfortable with partially dressing in front of her and presenting a mixed image. As we both became more experienced with the situation we both relaxed and now there isn't really an issue. We're just getting ready to go out, with my primping a bit more involved than hers.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
When I introduced Sophie to my wife,first time was nervous 4 both of us,after that I was mindful that I may overplay things,but we talked it out and reached common ground.After that the only time I was wary was being half dressed in front of her but soon got over that,even chill out without wig on occasion (when kids are out)
Sophie
We look to Scotland,for all our Ideas of Civilisation-Voltaire
========================================
A woman who loves to wear beautiful clothes is like a flower.
A man who loves to emulate these women is a special flower-a roseFacebook:Sophie Johnson
That sounds a good timing. Beeing single, I was wondering when to tell a new date and ask her if she would like to see me dressed. Telling on first or second date would show too much interest in self feminity instead of the budding relationship, and could raise her fears if she is not already supportive of CD, then after fifth date she could also fear her new boyfriend has other things to hide. She needs to know she will get a man at least two days out of three.
Last edited by freeindress; 10-20-2011 at 01:26 AM.
My wife wants no part of Helen. She doesn't even want to learn the name. She is committed to the concept of excising every cross-dressing neuron from my brain. She considers it her divine mission to save me from myself.
Best Wishes for Personal Peace & Happiness
-
Helen Grandeis
Am I really the only GG amongst you lot?!!
As usual most of you are missing the points....
1) Seeing your cding SO dressed is a progression for you both. You see it as a convenience, a step to being able to dress more often. She is terrified that your female presentation will forever colour her acceptance of you in your role in the bedroom (in particular, she will see you in her minds eye dressed as a woman). There are more particulars to this. First would be wigs. They can be terrifying in themselves because they are the final piece that transforms you into a woman. Second would be breastforms. Size, shape, nipple or not. Third is makeup. Too much, it smells (really!)
2) Do not kid yourself that this is the man she married. This is a new person and you are asking her to make a comparison with the women she knows. OK so she could make recommendations with makeup and clothes. This could alter your appearance, but two questions remain. Who do you want to be? (She will not want to overly influence the styles you have chosen; they are your choice.) Women inhabit roles. Who are you? She chooses her girlfriends from circumstance (they were all at the ante-natal clinic together, or belong to the same interest groups.)
So you sit down. What do you want to talk about? This is your SO's free time.
Some things that work on the womens' groups I belong to.
Do not show a photo. The first question is, 'who took it?'
Often introducing the piece of outer clothing you like best eg, heels, a favourite skirt or blouse is a good ice-breaker. If she doesn't think it flattering she may ask what else you have.
Do not present a wig, breastforms nor makeup unless she says she's OK with that. (She's most likely to pop something in the supermarket trolley the next time you are out).
Be extra attentive in the bedroom.
Don't get trying nail polish nor body alterations at this point.
A lot of the awkwardness women feel at this point is because you don't look good. You interpret that as she doen't like it. Put yourself in her shoes. Suppose she would like to dress up as a fireman occassionally complete with boots and helmet. Would you say 'Join a different depot, dear, those colours don't suit you'?!!
She will ask where you bought the clothing. How much did you pay? Were you in drab? Are there clothes outlets she now feels she should avoid?
Once you are dressed what do you want to do next? She may think once she has seen you, right, thank-you, now take it off. Discuss beforehand what you could do together. (Also, don't keep her waiting downstairs for several hours while you put your stuff on).
You will notice I haven't mentioned underwear here. That is another issue entirely. If you want her to see your dressed presentation don't put your underwear on in front of her unless she says it's OK.
Disappointingly this does not get you what you wanted straightaway. Much has been written on this Forum by cders saying how much fear they have of initial presentation to an SO. Now do you have any insight as to how much of herself and your relationship she is prepared to risk by offering you the opportunity to show her your female self? None of this fear has anything to do with judgements nor prejudice, nor her love for you. It is outright fear.
Good luck
Allsteamedup, I went back through your postings to get a female prospective on cross dressing. I'd say for most of us the fear works both ways. When my wife realized the developing extent of my desire to cross dress, she became upset. It was one thing to wear a nightie and panties for bedroom play, but, when our toddler opened one of my draws and pulled out a sexy red bra, it all changed. That was too much, and, forever that bra started the fear factor.
She did not understand my desires. I tried to explain cross dressing has absolutely nothing to do with my relationship with her. It is difficult to explain to a wife the reason for cross dressing when I do not know why myself. To say being en femme relieves stress, etc does not really explain the why? Sometimes to relieve stress I would work on a traditional hobby. So, why do I cross dress instead of building another model plane? I don't know.
The fear issue for her was doubts the man she married was no longer there. Well, I think no differently in a dress than my cut of male jeans and a tee shirt. I still worshiped the ground she walks on. Being en femme enables me to express something that is inside my inner being. I know that may sound like a bunch of BS justification. But, I think there is some truth to it.
Would I want to appear en femme in front of my wife? No, never. Not even at Halloween. I suspect the DADT relationship would be upset. After forty years of marriage, she has finally realized my inner being and love for her does not change because I like being en femme. It's kind of funny, she does not remember encountering her father en femme going to a Halloween party at a fraternal order. He had been dressed up by his female friend. He was enjoying the role. Does my wife block that encounter out of her mind for some reason associated with my desire to wear women's clothing? Probably.
The only way I'd appear en femme to my wife is in the manner I earlier suggested to Paula. I would let her initiate encountering Stephanie. It took me along time to overcome the societal revulsion I adopted toward that part of myself. That is something that I cannot stuff back in the Genie bottle. Nor do I want to go back. I have no desire to present Stephanie to my wife.
I would recommend to any spouse that she carefully analyze the positive and negative attributes of the guy. Did the revelation that he's a cross dresser really change how he feels toward you? To the cross dresser do not try to force your issues. I think some of the cross dressers who really push the boundaries with their wives are really trying to gain their own self acceptance. If she accepts the cross dressing husband, then maybe cross dressing is acceptable to himself.
I'm guessing here that she liked coca-cola . Well maybe not the cola. and the straw wasn't going in her mouth. Lot's of snow in the winter and the winds are always ready for blow. . . ing . You know ..metaphorically speaking.
Very impressive deductive logic and reasoning, Jonnie, and methinks you've solved the riddle here. I don't suppose you're any way related to that Mentalist guy on TV, or to Detective Columbo from years ago...
I took the picture route. My wife asked to see me, and then when she saw the picture, she instantly jaw dropped. "That's you? I hate you! How did you do your makeup? You're actually.....hot!" Then, after showing her that, she wanted me to show her in person. It was difficult to talk about, due to her having fifty questions....but each honest answer only seemed to make things better and easier on the both of us. She had restrictions on me going out, but now she wants to go out with me. She buys me stuff too, and says she hates how I can change my hair/breast size at any time. LOL. Anyway, honesty has always helped. I'm 25, known my wife for five years, married for half that. We even have a two year old son. Things are great, and I couldn't ask for more.
"If you think you can or can't, you're right" -Henry Ford
Take in nice and slow after a few years of myself dressing while she had gone to work (with her full knolage and aproval) my wife now excepts me fully dressing female nearly 24/7 and
treats me as a girl freind rather than her hubbie and she tends to have more girly chats to me now days which i realy enjoy her treating like a genuine
woman . the only time i have to change back to male mode is when some one comes over or we go out together .
Great post with a lot of good advice, Allsteamedup.
One thing I would add, is to NEVER spring something on her and suprise her. Always talk it through before hand. Even with my Angel, who was more than accepting, I found it much better early on, when I asked her to let me know when would be a good time to show her something. That way she feels more in control.
And always accept the level of acceptance she is able to give. And let her know you will be OK with that level. Don't try to force more on her. That will always backfire on you.
Joni
"Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan
I'm happy to be in female clothing in front of my wife, but don't like to get dressed if she's in the room!
I guess it's my ungainly man swagger as I struggle to put my tights on or stuff my bra
Once I'm happy with my 'look' then I'll happily stay dressed all day in front of her.
Daren't tell her my female clothing rail is getting fuller than hers!!!!
I'd have never come up with that in a million years. Now I have to go back and find the original post so I can understand it.
[SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda
Well, that could be bad in some ways unless by "girl friend" you mean ....................
[SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda
You know ..metaphorically speaking.[/QUOTE]
Duhhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm just a dumb blonde.............
It's an uncortable feeling imagining to undress in front of her although i am wishing that it will become a very normal situation for me and her. One time i took of my t-shirt when i was wearing my bra. She just ment "don't let people see that". I wish that both of us take on our bras in the morning, that we stand in front of the mirror and adjust the straps together. Maybe one day...
I am more of a CROSSDREAMER than anything else.
I frankly don't understand this entire post. At least, I don't agree that it would apply to every FAB, GG, SO, however you want to call us. It certainly does not apply to me, or how my acceptance of the situation evolved with my now-husband.
Every situation is different - you cannot assume there are "rules" to go by. I didn't go looking for a CD to fall in love with, but I didn't freak out about it, either. I don't punish him for who he is - that would just be stupid. From the beginning, I supported him - encouraged him. I bought him clothes almost immediately, and never stopped. He finally felt free to be who he really is, and he is a much happier person now than when I first met him as a result.
I am not going to lie and say it's a totally wonderful thing - there are times I get tired of it and wish it wasn't there, but those times are brief and then they pass. We go through cycles where there is a lot of dressing, and where there is very little, and some in between variations. There are things about it I like and things about it I get annoyed with. But I could say the same about so many things - we've been together for 14 years, married for nine. His dressing is just one more thing that's a part of us.
Yes, it is a good thing that I knew about it from the very start - I didn't marry him and then feel betrayed after years of marriage when it got sprung on me, or when I found out accidentally. But I don't believe it would have ended up any differently had that been the case. Easy to say, sure - I get that. But the truth is I just don't have a big issue with this. I pick out an outfit for him nearly every night, I buy him bras and panties on a regular basis, we go clothes shopping together and sometimes I surprise him with a new outfit just for fun. He has enough lingerie to stock a new Victoria's Secret store. He has more shoes than Imelda Marcos.
Not all women are afraid, or hesitant, or need to be approached like they are going to crumble and suggest divorce at the first sign of anything slightly out of the ordinary. I am not saying there is anything wrong with the remarks above, just that they do not represent all of us.
I love my husband for who he is, and that includes the CD side of him. I hurt for him that he has to keep it bottled up so much because the world doesn't accept such a simple thing as gender choice in clothing, but at least he can feel comfortable at home.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest, with an emphasis on letting her know what YOUR concerns are, in addition to listening to all of hers. Talk to her! If you have a nagging feeling that she may not be able to get the image of you dressed out of her mind when you are in the bedroom in guy mode, then follow your instincts and SPEAK TO HER ABOUT THIS. Listen carefully to what she says, and then the two of you can work out a solution. You also want to tell her that you are and always have been her husband, no matter what you wear, and the last thing you want is for her to become turned off because she sees you in a dress, since you care about HER and HER FEELINGS.
Also you can add that you really do appreciate that she is willing to stretch and you'd love to dress in front of her ... but again, only if she really feels comfortable with it (as opposed to doing it because she thinks this is what you want).
Good luck!
Reine
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