Well I just told the wife I like to dress about a week ago. She freaked out and is now trying to figure out if she can deal/live with it! shes afraid I will progress and start dressing all the time and wanting more. I told her I cant guarantee anything. I am really afraid she will leave and I wont have her or the kids anymore. I am sure some of you have dealt with this. Help what should I do????
Just let the smoke clear as it where, Let her bring up the subject. But if she dies not, get some
information on CDing and let her read it. She properly has a million questions going through her mind,
and only sees bad times ahead. Let her know that you love her, and not some man somewhere.
That you are not considering on any surgery, and will alway be their for the family. You just like to wear
pretty things. Take it real slow, check with others here and see what they say. Good Luck.
Rader
Sit down and talk to her. You are going to have to give her some assurances, she deserves that. When I went through this with my wife, she made some conditions. I can't get my ears pierced, I can't dress in open publicly around home (private events and out of town are OK), no sex with anybody but her, she gets to approve or deny any changes to my body, and I had to promise her "man time". Her point was that she had married a man, and deserves to still have a man. The fact that I hid it is my fault, not hers. Any variance and she leaves.
If you want to keep her, you HAVE to give her a reason to stay. You still have to be her husband. If you can't do that, you must expect to lose her.
As for helping her to understand, start giving her things about this to read. Books, articles, forums. You need to give her time and room to learn about what you told her. That means not climbing into bed in your sexiest lingerie and expecting her to act like an experienced lesbian lover. Go slow with her, you just hurt her emotionally and you bruised her ego and trust.
I've been here and done this. My wife stayed. YMMV, good luck.
Anna
Rader has the right idea. Leave your ladies clothes, makeup, etc. in the closet for a while. Let her take the lead.
If nothing happens after three or four weeks, it's time to delicately raise the issue. Have some reading material and web links ready, including this forum. A suggestion that support is available here is appropriate.
Good luck.
well she has brought it up a few times and asked lots of questions. She says its not the dressing but that I lied to her for so long( 10 years) I have never told anyone before now. She says she cant get over the thought of me wearing a bra. I am hoping time and a herapist she wants us to see will help.
I appreciate all the help. I feel kind of alone and I have noone else in my life I can talk to. I dont live in the best place to find others like me I think?
it is true a lot of couples split up over this but that typically takes a few years before things get that serious. I doubt she is gonna run to the courthouse anytime soon. Just don't rub her nose in it and things will be fine.
And that lieing thing - oh gyod wives always say that.
It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.
I got my wife the book "My Husband Wears My Clothes". We both read it, and it was very insightful and helpful to us both. We were married 27 years when my wife discovered my clothing stash. She is now OK with things, with a few boundries...no skirts or dresses in front of her, no nighties when being intimate, just to name a few. She is pretty understanding, and does allow me to express my femminine side; I keep my toenails painted, wear toe rings, wear panties 24/7, I lounge in yoga pants, sleep in nighties, and I wear sports bras when working out.
It will get better. I make sure to tell my wife how much I love her and how much I love being her man. I also tell her how much I appreciate her letting me be who I need to be. I have been much happier and I sleep better at night since it is out in the open.
Life's too short to not be enjoyed! Live each day to the fullest!
it's the chance you took when you decided not to tell her up front in the beginning of the relationship about your CDing so granted she is super hurt over this and yes a MAJOR thing that us GGs get caught on is the lying part. That is one thing I am still hung up on and its been almost a year now since I discovered my husbands items. After 15yrs of marriage at that time and 19yrs together I was VERY hurt.. well that doesnt even describe how hurt I was. 19yrs together.. 3 children 2 dogs.. I thought I knew him.. but I didnt.. and I still dont now..
Please PLEASE take my advice and listen to her if she brings it up or if you need to bring it up still listen to her.. make sure you let her know that how she is feeling right now matters to you.. how much you have hurt her matters to you. Ofcourse you cant guarantee anything but one thing you can guarantee is that you will listen to her .. god i cant stress that enough..
You have had years to process all of this and right now for her its something that is going to be extremely hard to process.. she probably thought she knew you just like I thought I knew my husband.. its a crushing blow.. but.. BUT you guys can work past this.. it will be hard and there will be many more ups and downs in your life now but if you both put one another first and from hereon out be truthful with her you can overcome this.. BUT it will not happen over night or even in a few months.. it could take years.. small steps is best.. let her tell you possibly what she might be comfortable with.. say shes only comfortable with panties.. then just wear panties for awhile (better then nothing right?) until shes comfortable with maybe something else.. Dont try and push the boundaries either at least too soon.. my husband did and well im hurt by it and it set us back to step one.. so if you love her deeply let her take lead and learn and let it all sink in.. maybe take a short break from it until you guys discuss things (I wish my husband would of) and work out a game plan.. and what she feels comfortable with... and remember.. if she sticks around and is comfortable with just a couple things but nothing else.. she is STILL supportive of you.. just maybe not like what you would dream of.. but this is real life.. and a wife who sticks around and trys to make things work and tries to heal herself from the hurt and marriage is a supportive wife.
I love the fact that my husband can piss me off and make me laugh within seconds of each other!
I can handle being alone, but doesn't want to be married and feeling alone.
The only reason the grass looks greener on the other side is because you don't have to mow that lawn.
Husbands are like children, they behave best when they are sleeping.
It's always nice when your husband just looks at you and tells you out of the blue, "You are Beautiful"
Thanks for the advice. it is nice to here it from someone who has gone thru it. I have been trying to be very patient and answered every question she asked but I have to admit I think some of my answers hurt her more and I am almost afraid too be honest on everything. do you guys think the therapist thing will help? Do you understand why we lied about it? I felt ashamed and couldn't share it with anyone. I hoped that it helped that she was the first person I trusted enough to share it with!
The OP is the reason why I told my late wife that I was a CD before we married!! In this thread I think Anna Lorree gave the best response that I have seen for this question in a long time. You just HAVE to let her know that you are still the MAN she married and always will be. If you don't do that I can almost guarantee that you will lose her and your kids. Keeping it a secret like you did was no help at all, as you know very well now!! Keep the communication lines open between the two of you!!
Stephanie
Lady on the outside, but man underneath!
Clearly it will be hard for a little while. There have been a lot of good words written here but one thing in your original statement has not been discussed: "I can't promise anything".
Is that really true? If so might be a bit hard for your wife to handle. Can you promise that you are committed to the marriage? Can you promise that you want to work this out in a sensitive way? Can you promise that you will listen and try to understand her feelings? The list could go on, but only you can really write it.
SweetPea has some great advice and I hope that my words are in that same vein. Your wife must have some time to process, and to learn. That latter is so very important. One thing she must learn is that you have no other skeletons hidden. The other might be why it was you waited so long. Many here have written some seriously good reasons for thinking that their apparant transgenderism would disappear once married. Help her understand your fears.
When the trust is rebuilt, and that will take time, it's likely that your wife will want to understand the relationship of your femme side to the person she married. She must be in there somewhere, and the you she is looking at today is now a mixture that she'll need to decifer.
A lot to be done, but as SweetPea points out, it can only be done with openness and commitment. There are things you can guarantee in helping her off this quicksand that she currently is walking upon.
Best wishes,
tina
After I told my wife, I vowed to myself that I would do all the things for her that I refused to do in the past. That I would never argue with her on anything (within reason of course), never do anything to make her mad and do anything she asks me to do right away. Basically, anything my wife might say she would change about me, I changed for her (except the crossdressing part). Not because I think I can make her forget, or because I think I can make up for what I put her through, but because I wanted to show her how much she means to me. My wife noticed and thanked me for being so thoughtful and what not, and I told her my reasons for changing. Our relationship has literally never been better. We shop together, get mani petties together, wear lingerie together, the works. I am not saying this will work for you, I am not even sure it worked for me. I guess what I am saying is, you have to prove to her that besides your kids, she is still the most important thing to you, and not the crossdressing. You have to explain that crossdressing is just a part of you, but that she is everything to you.
Good luck, we are all hoping for the best!
Well, Sweet Pea and Suchacutie have really got the handle on this one. Superb postings.
You did mention that your wife realises that you will progress in your dressing from where you are now. Womens' press has been airing crossdressing issues in family life extensively in recent years so she will have read about other families and what happened to them. She is aware how far this can go.
Your comment about not knowing how far you might go was truthful but do you have any awareness of the alarm this could have caused? Nobody is going to give you a blank sheet for behaviour in anybody's marriage. Questions about transitioning and your sexuality are common from an SO. Find out what she would not be comfortable with and go from there.
The rebuilding trust will take a while, so don't be impatient with her on that one.
I come at this kind of in a hard nosed, no nonsense fashion, so, I apologize for that now. Its just the way I handle life, in general. There are those on here that don't like that.
I have been with my husband 20 years, married 18, 4 children. We have been actively dealing with the cding for one year. I have come a LONG way in just the last couple of months, but it was a very hard road that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.
First, a don't ask, don't tell policy doesn't work in the long run. It may work for a few years, but over time, resentments build on both sides and then, when it does come back out, there's that many more years of lies for your wife to deal with. My husband and I saw a marriage counselor that specialized in gender issues. We live in a small midwest state, so she didn't have a lot of experience, but she helped us with our communication.
You need to be willing to hear whatever your wife has to say, whenever she has to say it. She needs to know that she doesn't have to worry about hurting your feelings. That her feelings are what matters right now. She may be analyzing your entire marriage. Every time you went shopping, made love, or watched a chic flick with her. Please don't let her do that to herself. Talk to her. NOW. Let her say what she needs to say. Even if she needs to tell you that you are an f-ing a-hole. Then, answer ALL of her questions. And you owe it to her to commit to not escalating with how much you dress. I know that is a very unpopular statement in this forum, but if you want her to commit to making the marriage work, then she deserves a commitment, as well. We have an always ask, always tell policy, I guess. My husband doesn't do anything unless he is sure how I feel about it. I don't over think and stew about something I question. He always tells me what he is going to do, I always tell him how I feel. ALWAYS. I know his email and passwords. I know when he has checked them. Why do I need to know this? I don't have the slightest idea. But, I do. Hubby knows what my boundaries and comfort levels are. If he steps over them, then he is making a choice. The choice that puts the cding above me and our marriage. A marriage can only handle so much of that. Yes, telling her the truth may hurt her more, but what's the alternative? To be a liar? And quite frankly, it doesn't matter if I understand why you lied about it. It doesn't matter if its the best reason in the world. You lied...to the woman whom you are supposed to love above everybody else. It doesn't matter if you lied about cding or something else. Lying is lying, and it has no place in a marriage.
SweetPea states that she is still having a difficult time after a year, while I am doing okay after a year. The difference? The way our husbands handled the cding and our marriage. My husband took it upon himself to treat me like a queen. Date nights, paints my toenails, encourages me to pamper myself once in awhile, no lies, (any lies after this, is as bad or worse than the 'not telling', just an FYI) no hiding. It took awhile, but we have gotten to a good place. Do I like it? No. Are we boundary free? No. Recently, I asked him if he saw anything in the store he liked. Without bitterness or resentment. Big step. Last month was the first meeting (his support meetings) that I didn't bury myself in the bedroom. Another big step. Every step is big. There are no little steps in this process.
I think I read that someone feels that most marriages take years to fail. Those are the marriages that the wife has taken a stance of trying to understand and accept or is very accepting, but the cding husband takes advantage and continues to lie and hide and overstep the wife's boundaries. Right now is your biggest worry. I almost left twice and the third time I did leave. With bags. The only reason I didn't stay gone was b/c my mom didn't answer her phone. THE ONLY REASON. ANd I needed to sleep. All 3 were in the first 6 months.
IMO, now is the time for you to stand up, put your big girl panties on and take care of business. YOU brought this into the marriage, it is YOUR job to make your wife feel loved and respected. Then it is you and your wife's job to fit the cding into your marriage, not your wife's job to fit herself and the marriage into your cding.
One more thing. Please, whenever you are writing on this forum. Write like you know she is going to read it. There are a lot of posts that would hurt me deeply, if my husband had wrote them. And if she joins here, she will read them. I have posted in here since March, I believe, and, aside from the GG forum, my husband is not in the dark about the things I have said.
Last edited by J'lyn GG; 10-28-2011 at 06:29 AM.
I don't mean to be a Negative Nelly here, and believe me, this isn't me trying not to be supportive. All I can do is ask and hope not to offend too many by asking. But, what he does, what he wears, how he acts is who he is. What I dont understand is, why does it fall on him to live by rules that SHE sets? Isn't a more productive idea is just not do it until things calm down, and come to an agreement which suits you both? I get that its hard on her, especially being blindsighted by lies and deception on his behalf. Yes, he should have been more honest. And from a previous thread, I get that certain times and lives dictate him informing her before now. And I'm all for making her feel loved and important, as many have said, its a big part. But how is her dictating a set of rules and a charter of acceptable time and places fair to him in the long run? Wouldn't that just lead him to feel stiffled and resentment towards her later in life? By limiting his activities? He isn't a sex offender, or a creep or any other sort of ignorant term of enderment that
people use when they try and figure us out, but he's just a man who chose to hide something from his wife that, while valid in an argument of lying to your wife for an extended period of time, is it really fair to either of them that she just gets to set a timeframe down for him to be whom he is? o.O
We're talking about her feeling loved again. Feeling like she can trust him again. If he won't respect her boundaries (yes negotiated boundaries) in the beginning, she will spend her time feeling unloved and disrespected, instead of trying to learn how to trust him again and that yes, maybe she can live this way. Because he will be reminding her on a daily basis WHY she loves him. Instead of giving her reason to resent him and the cding.Originally Posted by Imeni
Our boundaries are not the same as they were last year. We had a written list of about 15 things that we both had to abide by. Some more beneficial for him, some for me. Now its unwritten, but my husband knows where my comfort levels are. Once in awhile, he'll ask how I feel about him trying something new, and maybe we'll give it a shot. Anyway, my point is, he respects my boundaries, and I feel loved and respected and I'm more apt to try stretching those boundaries. Sometimes they bounce back and sometimes the boundary is moved out a little further. If I was always being reminded how the cding was more important than me (by disrespecting my boundaries) I would never be willing to give a little. I would spend my time resenting, and, eventually, hating him.
during our talk I told her that I mostly only wear bras and only when noone is around. She is afraid I will progress into full on dressing(which I have done in the past) but I tried to reassure her that I dont look good fully dressed( because of my size and build) and that this is enough for me. but I would like the chance to wear them more, like maybe while I sleep. She sees this as a gateway to go further and is scared. I have stopped all dressing for now until we resolve this and I hope that will help her. She told me last night she thinks of me as a roomate now and is not attracted anymore. I hope I can rebuild this trust and relationship. We had such a great thing and it would really suck to loose it over something like this.
TGsara. I have realized that bringing it into the bedroom, sexually or otherwise, is often a no-no for a lot of women. Not all, but many. She will go thru not feeling attracted. You have to give her a reason to feel attracted again. (IMO, this means keeping it out of the bedroom, at least until, if ever, she is okay with that)
When I told the counselor that I had lost my best friend, that hurt and scared my husband the most. I can't recommend counseling enough. She gave us the power to save our marriage. I don't think we would have made it without the counseling. Maybe discuss agreeing to not make any permanent decisions about the marriage for one year or 6 months. I, sincerely, hope your relationship can be mended and improved for both of you. It will take time. A lot of time.
I can not stress this enough! This is one thing that has hurt me so deeply is the things my husband had writen on the forums. When I read them its like reading a strangers post.. someone I dont know.. he's 100% different then how he is face to face. It hurt and I questioned him a lot about certian things and it caused fights and he would say he "didnt mean it that way" but its words that you could edit before you submit and he was happy at the time with what he chose to wrote.. But thoes words will be in my mind for a long time =/ and the images he posted too.. I never wanted to see my husband that way.. OR atleast this soon.. it hurt real bad
I love the fact that my husband can piss me off and make me laugh within seconds of each other!
I can handle being alone, but doesn't want to be married and feeling alone.
The only reason the grass looks greener on the other side is because you don't have to mow that lawn.
Husbands are like children, they behave best when they are sleeping.
It's always nice when your husband just looks at you and tells you out of the blue, "You are Beautiful"
SweetPea is absolutely correct. Be true to thyself and consistantly so. Also, before you speak about your wife here, make sure she is ok with it! She might not like her emotional side here for all to see!
Is this complex? You betcha!
tina
I think you made a good point when you said that by answering her questions you could see that it was hurting her more so now you are a bit afraid to answer honestly and i wonder how many others get into this scenario , i can well understand what you are thinking but still feel it is best to be as honest as you can as finding out more lies latter on will not help the situation .
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne
These replies aren't about what the newly revealed CD can do, that is wide open. This thread is about what the newly revealed CD is likely facing in order to save a damaged marriage. A marriage is a partnership between two equal sides, both giving and taking. Tgsara upset the apple cart of the relationship by breaking the rules (living such a long and deep lie). Tgsara can start dressing 100% of the time, but Tgsara won't get to do that AND keep his wife. That's nothing surprising, we all have conditions in our relationships. I don't let my wife sleep with other men, she doesn't go out alone for entertainment at night, I expect to be able to know all of her friends, and I expect her to talk to me before she gets a tattoo or piercing or even drasticly changes her hairstyle. I get a say in all of that, even though it's her body. I have that right as her husband. She has rights regarding my body as my wife. It's called being considerate.
This thread is about trust within a relationship Tgsara says he wants to save. Tgsara brought the problem, it's only fitting that Tgsara be part of the solution. If Tgsara is unwilling to compromise on this, the relationship will end and Tgsara can go on her merry way, dancing through womanhood. Alone.
Anna
Show her this site and have her join. There is a section strictly for females (my wife is a member) and she can read and respond and ask questions of all of us. Perhaps it will help her to see that you are not the only one in the world who feels this way and that you are not "odd".
The other thing you must do is TALK, TALK, TALK.
Truthfully answer her questions as I'm sure she will have many. An open dialogue is the only way to allow her to begin to understand and perhaps accept.
I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !
WELL, this was just about you- till you said the I do's,and for what ever reason forgot to be honest with your SO about something so very very significant in a relationship. However after the marriage it became about "us" and life went on, marriage, kids, and deception. You have totaly rocked you wife's world, after years of marriage a relationship develops into an honest co-dependent, secure and predictable sense of future - GONE- in one sentence. Beleive me I have been there and it stinks...all trust lost.
So my take is... you had better make some guarantee's, like I said the 'it's about me, left with your decision to married and not tell.
Keep this in control or it will control you. You have an abligation to a wife and not just her, to your children, so get some boundaries, make some guarentee- and stick to them. Your wife did not bargain for this when she married you. You have to atone for this is some way or other..
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