Are We Addicted?

[eluuzion]

“I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a drunk.
Alcoholics go to meetings.”

“I decided it was time to quit smoking.
So I quit the next morning.
Now the only time I smoke is when I want a cigarette.”

I may be a "Dick", but I am not an "Addict"



I do believe there is an increased risk for some people in physically addicting substances such as alcohol and drugs. Children of alcoholic parents seem to be at higher risk for alcoholism. But I still believe it is an individual issue for each person. My sister has one drink and her personality changes to a “drunk”. She repeats jokes, becomes antagonistic, emotional etc. She continues to drink until she basically passes out. The next day she will not remember anything after that first drink. Yes, I think she is now a “functioning” alcoholic. (Neither of my parents were alcoholics).

I am the opposite. I used to drink a lot in my 20’s & 30’s. But I always reached a point where I was finished. At bars I was always the driver because I was sober by the time we left. When I lived in Cali, Colombia I certainly could have been considered by many people to have been “addicted” to cocaine. The day I arrived back in the U.S. I quit that same day and never did drugs again. Was I addicted? When I smoked cigarettes I never smoked all day, (sometimes 2 days or more when traveling) and did not crave it at all.

Crossdressing is the same. I never did any dressing the three days of the week I had custody of my daughter (every single week). It never crossed my mind during those times.

My point is that I believe some people have addictive propensities and others do not. I do not. My sister does. In my opinion, compulsive and “addictive” behavior has close ties with individual personality and character.

As already stated by others, I believe “addictions” inevitably take a toll on well-adjusted, functional behavior in some degree…typically to a great degree. Addictive behavior typically presents a similar downward spiral in a person’s ability to function productively and carry out their routine commitments and responsibilities in life.

In my opinion, CDing and similar behaviors can certainly be labeled compulsive, but are not “addictions”. There are no physical substances influencing/altering human biological processes.

It is not an addiction. It is a behavior that some people may feel “compelled” to continue on a regular basis. For some individuals, it might be considered compulsive behavior. In others, (as in my case) it is simply one more toy in the toy box that does not displace or minimize the importance of, or participation in the other areas of daily life.

Just my perspective.

[Shananigans]

If I understand you correctly, you are saying that you would be willing to forego any outward expression of your gender, permanently, using clothes as the example, rather than lose your family, is that correct?

Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. Gender is very internal for me...nothing about a bra or a dress yells, "OH MY GOD! LIKE, I'M TOTALLY A WOMAN!" No...not even. In fact, those things matter very little. I would miss them a little if tomorrow I could not wear them for some reason. I would miss what they sometimes provide for me...feeling sexy and sophisticated. But, really, the times I am most feminine have very little to do with what I am wearing. The most feminine moment of my life actually was holding my baby cousin and rocking her to sleep. I think I had on track pants and sweat shirt at the time, because I had just got home from a track meet. I was so happy to see her and to hold her little hand and rock her to sleep. It felt really powerful to have this little life in my arms that I was protecting and calming.

So, in an essence, THAT is an outward portrayal of my feminine essence and has nothing to do with clothes. In fact, the clothes I was wearing at the time were completely "masculine." But, all of the maternal care, protection, and love for someone so close to my heart is a better example of an outward portrayal of my feminine essence than any clothing item.

Other questions: Does any objection to dressing, then, make the CD'er selfish ... or the objector? Do you really think it's possible to suppress gender expression completely? Could you, and what would be the consequences? Isn't there a difference between self-sacrifice out of necessity (no options, no possibility of choice) and martyr behavior? Must the positions be extreme - isn't there a difference, say, between fully presenting female and doing something lesser?

I see CDing as often a part of who someone is and I have seen where wives and family members want absolutely nothing to do with it. A lot of the time, it's the wife in question and usually the wife was informed years after marriage. I can't say I exactly blame this person for being upset, especially if you had been married to someone for 10 years and suddenly he is a CD and wants it to be FT. But, in this area we are talking about ADDICTION. And, an addiction is where something in your life is so important that everything else suffers as a consequence. I hear of CDs that max out credit cards, get a family into a financial crisis, go out every night to TG clubs leaving their wife at home to care for the kids...

Sorry, but that's the opposite of feminine in how I was raised. I see what is feminine in a completely different light than most CDs...being a woman has jack sh*t to do with my clothes. I could throw them away tomorrow and still express my femininity through my actions, my compassion, and my care. Things that people with an addiction lack. In fact, if you have a clothing addiction to the point you are maxing out credit cards and going out to clubs every night of the week instead of caring for your family...you are the opposite of feminine. No amount of lipstick is going to help you.

[Cheryl T]

I'm not addicted...this is self-expression.

[Maria 60]

I will say as a non smoker for seven years and still thinking about it still today, i believe when it's in your blood and you enjoy it,it's hard to let it go. I wrote a thread last week about the frustration of waiting to dress and not knowing when the next time will be and feeling selfish that i want this time alone and with the family growing older it's a matter of time when they will move out and i will miss them dearly. But it's an addiction i need my fix once in a while and if weeks go by my wife will see the frustration and will help me to get a few hours alone. I could not imagine how all the sisters who's wife's don't know how they cope with it.

[Yazna]

Yes for sure we are Addicted to dress up as a Beautiful Sexy Feminine Girl with all our respect to all the GG present here in this Forum!

[Aprilrain]

So many post show the worst addicted, take dressing over their family.

Am I wrong on this?

some family's suck! just sayin.

Kittyagain as far as I can tell you are wrong about 90% of the time. My math might be a little off on that but its close enough.

[Aprilrain]

Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. Gender is very internal for me...nothing about a bra or a dress yells, "OH MY GOD! LIKE, I'M TOTALLY A WOMAN!"

true and I understand........ now! but CDers don't have the luxury of be cisgendered like you or full time like me.
OMG! did i just defend CDers??????? wheres the thermometer!

[Shananigans]

true and I understand........ now! but CDers don't have the luxury of be cisgendered like you or full time like me.
OMG! did i just defend CDers??????? wheres the thermometer!

Haha I love you. And, you bring up a good point. The dressing component can be definition of the femininity for most CDs. (But, not all).

I also just don't agree with what was said originally that this is an "addiction" or something that is really negative. I don't agree that many people are putting it at the expense of their families.

I have no problem with CDing and I don't see my SO as addicted to it. I think it's a very necessary part of his self-expression, but I never feel an "addiction" to the point that everything around him is suffering due to CDing.

So, when I say I could give up my dresses and bras and it not matter...I'm telling the truth. But, I do enjoy these things. And, as long as they don't cause harm to other people or myself (an addiction), then it is okay to wear them. Same for any CD.

[ReineD]

So, when I say I could give up my dresses and bras and it not matter...I'm telling the truth. But, I do enjoy these things. And, as long as they don't cause harm to other people or myself (an addiction), then it is okay to wear them. Same for any CD.

I get what you're saying. The dresses, hair, and makeup would become a problem for you, me, and any other GG, if:

• we spent more money on them than we could afford.
• we weren't able to go to a store without getting something for ourselves each time.
• the priority would be on how we look, to the point there would be some activities we wouldn't engage in for fear of ruining our makeup or clothes (like hiking, swimming, no going for a walk because our shoes aren't comfortable, etc).
• we couldn't walk by a mirror without admiring ourselves.
• we spent an excessive amount of time (this is subjective) on the grooming: nails, hair, constantly fixing our makeup.
• as the result of all this, we were unable to be there emotionally for others.

In other words, it would be a problem if our worlds revolved around our appearance. I'm not saying this is what CDers do, just putting it in perspective with GGs who are consistently self-obsessed over a long-term, and how difficult it would be to be in a relationship with someone like that.

[Jilmac]

If it is an addiction, it's one I don't want treatment for, besides, I don't think there's a twelve step program for us anyway.

[sometimes_miss]

After years of reading these forums, I've come to the conclusion that crossdressing is not simply an addiction. We may be drawn to it, in an such a way as to be nearly irresistable, but it's probably not a classic addiction. For some, it's a desire to be allowed to behave, and dress, as who we really are (or, who we really feel we are supposed to be). The huge stigma attached to feminine behavior/dress as male is what causes all the conflict. Men don't have the option of dressing and behaving as females (as much as say, women have acquired the option of embracing male type attire, roles and behavior when they want to). There have been studies showing why males behave this way; but it's not really important why we do it. We should simply have the right to behave in the feminine role, just as much as women have demanded the right to behave in the traditionally male role.

[Contessa]

It is hard to go by without saying something in this thread. I am not addicted to dressing, I am addicted to women. I think they are just gorgeous, I'd like be able to strut around so people could just see me. I know some GG's must feel that they are being looked at, some even try to ignore the fact that they're good looking. To look good and smell good, I just like it so I want to do it too. When I was wearing my mothers clothing I was insanely jealous they could wear that stuff. I always wanted to strut down the street, like they do. The one thing I wanted to do most was carry a purse. Now I know carrying a purse is not addictive, but doing it like a woman is. I think my feelings for women are very strong, I can't keep resisting or is it Contessa screaming get one4 so we can go out. And she(I) want all the other stuff too. We(she) wants to look good as I (she, we) want her too. I'm not addicted I might say I am in love which might sound ridiculous. I feel I look and feel the way I think they might feel. Yes I am emotional I'm a gurl, and as SL says I love being a girl(gurl).

[LeaP]

Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. Gender is very internal for me...nothing about a bra or a dress yells, "OH MY GOD! LIKE, I'M TOTALLY A WOMAN!" No...not even. In fact, those things matter very little. ...

So, in an essence, THAT is an outward portrayal of my feminine essence and has nothing to do with clothes. In fact, the clothes I was wearing at the time were completely "masculine." But, all of the maternal care, protection, and love for someone so close to my heart is a better example of an outward portrayal of my feminine essence than any clothing item. ...

I see CDing as often a part of who someone is and I have seen where wives and family members want absolutely nothing to do with it. A lot of the time, it's the wife in question and usually the wife was informed years after marriage. I can't say I exactly blame this person for being upset, especially if you had been married to someone for 10 years and suddenly he is a CD and wants it to be FT. But, in this area we are talking about ADDICTION. And, an addiction is where something in your life is so important that everything else suffers as a consequence. I hear of CDs that max out credit cards, get a family into a financial crisis, go out every night to TG clubs leaving their wife at home to care for the kids...

Sorry, but that's the opposite of feminine in how I was raised. I see what is feminine in a completely different light than most CDs...being a woman has jack sh*t to do with my clothes. I could throw them away tomorrow and still express my femininity through my actions, my compassion, and my care. Things that people with an addiction lack. In fact, if you have a clothing addiction to the point you are maxing out credit cards and going out to clubs every night of the week instead of caring for your family...you are the opposite of feminine. No amount of lipstick is going to help you.

You responded along dressing lines, then went into inner identity and nurturing. Two difficulties here: I asked if you would be able to forego ANY outward expression of your (feminine) identity. While nurturing is clearly something that exists at both gender poles, it is different for men. The question, in essence, is whether it is possible to BE something in any way at all that is meaningful if it has NO expression. The second point was on dressing itself. I grant that dressing is a limited expression. I grant, moreover, that it can be viewed as superficial in many ways. So I understand that aspect of your response. What you may not realize, however, is the enabling aspect of dressing, that it is an important vehicle for the identity that is suppressed. That without it, the expression of other aspects of identity are difficult or impossible. So in the end, I felt as though you were trivializing dressing, in part by focusing on externalities, missing a more fundamental role, and then by enclosing that in a role point where women already have more expressive freedom.

On clothes: I don't exactly feel like I'm female when dressed. My appearance certainly doesn't scream "I'M A WOMAN" (far from it), nor am I really striving for that, as nice as it would be FOR the externalities. But there's a key that clicks something on when dressed that's noticeably missed when I'm not. Were it enabled by other means, I'd be more inclined to agree with you on superficialities. As things are now, it is not, and I don't.

On addiction: I'm generally inclined to agree with your view, especially when it tips into typically destructive behavior like spending oneself into financial oblivion. I'm also mindful that the forum includes people with CD behavior motives other than gender identity issues and for whom addictive behavior may play. For those whose CDing is tied to gender identity, I'd tread more carefully. It's certainly possible to be both addictive and have gender ID issues, but my first inclination would be to look for desperation rather than addiction.

Hopefully this clarifies where my questions were coming from.

Lea

[kendra_gurl]

If it is an addiction, it's one I don't want treatment for, besides, I don't think there's a twelve step program for us anyway.

That brings up a very good question.

Whether crossdressing is an addiction or a Compulsion or just a Hobby, could most of us non TG gurls stop if there was a 12 step support program to help us along the way?

Shananigans:: I also just don't agree with what was said originally that this is an "addiction" or something that is really negative. I don't agree that many people are putting it at the expense of their families.

I think you are forgetting that anyone who hides a behavior (such as crossdressing ) from their family is potentially putting their family at risk.

[Staci Roberts]

Regardless of the behavior, when the "activity" replaces responsibility, commitment or anything along those lines, there is a problem. More importantly, what is causing the drive to that behavior? Depression? Anger? Anxiety? etc. etc...We all, as humans, are wired that way. Keeping it all "in check" is the difficulty. If you dress, drink, smoke or whatever and enjoy the effects of the behavior, so be it. Who is anyone to judge? When it starts getting in the way and causes us to cloud right and wrong (for lack of a better phrase)..it is probably time to reel it in a bit..

[Ria]

Yeah it's addicting and we are all addicted. If you can't stop doing it then you're addicted... You can come up will all kinds of ways to dance around the issue and claim you're not addicted but in the end... we're addicted because the way it makes us feel inside and ouside- End of story. Doesn't mean it's a bad thing, but it could if you let it.

Too much of anything can make us neglect the important things. If you lock yourself in your house and neglect your family then you've tipped the scale and your happiness will suffer along with other elements of your life.

You can't just sit around and eat pizza all day long just because you love pizza! The scale will tip- big time.

That's my take

[LeaP]

I wonder (really) how many SO's would prefer suppression over their partner's health or even life. If there's a theme in this and related threads, it's self-sacrifice. I just wonder how many would take it to the literal, logical end. It's interesting that the many who can see the psychological urgency in TS identity issues have trouble extending it into the non-TS, TG realm. I.e., crossdressing, after all, is "just" crossdressing. It's selfish, it can be started and stopped like flipping a switch, it's superficial and external, it's an addiction (just like smoking!) etc. etc. etc.

Answering my own question, I bet a LOT of SO's would be willing take a hit to their partner's health "for the benefit of the relationship." And a few would indeed prefer the partner to drop dead.

Lea

[Shananigans]

Oh, Lea, you still don't believe me. You see that without dressing as a woman, there is little to no outward expression of my gender. I couldn't disagree with you more. To be a duck you might say it should look like a duck, walk like a duck, and talk like a duck. Whether I'm wearing a plastic bag or a miniskirt, I still look like a woman, talk like a woman (this goes into more than just pitch), and walk the life of a woman. My outward portrayal of my gender is very evident in my actions and manners. These things are who I am...a woman. If I left it up to fashion to help me define my gender, I'd be a confused person indeed. If the latest fad isn't suits, it's meat dresses and Christmas lights.

I understand that dressing means something very different to a CD, but to me gender is not related much at all to my dress. It's by chance that society deemed it socially acceptable for women to wear dresses and men pants. Chance and chance alone governs this. In animals, we may see the male more flamboyantly "dressed" to attract the attention of women and to give off cues about his health. How am I supposed to let dress be such a defining role in my gender identity when clothes are impermanent and could be easily changes in value tomorrow.

Again, I could be done with them tomorrow. I'd miss them...but, for reasons that are mainly not gender-related issues. What can't be taken away is how I carry myself, my attitude, the way I talk, and my presence. All of these things are apparently female because it is my identity and how I see myself internally and it's translated externally.

Now, is it so bad to CD or just to be a nice looking GG? Heck no! I love clothes! I can see the appeal of them to my SO. I imagine that out closet will continue to expand. However, neither of us is addicted. We don't have a problem. And, i feel like that's my main point. It doesn't matter what gender means to you or to me. Just because I don't see my gender as really dependent on my clothes, it doesn't mean someone is wrong if they do find it dependent. But, it would be sad we for some reason we all had to wear burlap sacks from now on. Id be mad because I like my cute clothes, but it wouldn't give me a gender identity crisis. Hope this made sense...I'm on my phone ugh

[stacycoral]

Addication that sounds pretty hard, maybe for some, i know i love to dress as a women have since i was a teenager, and i did stop for several years after getting married but i miss me, if i had to, it would be very hard to give it up, but i would try if it, the family could not handly it. Lucky my SO is ok as long i don't do it all the time, I would agree the longer i am dressed the longer i want to stay Stacy.

[ReineD]

It's interesting that the many who can see the psychological urgency in TS identity issues have trouble extending it into the non-TS, TG realm. I.e., crossdressing, after all, is "just" crossdressing. It's selfish, it can be started and stopped like flipping a switch, it's superficial and external, it's an addiction (just like smoking!) etc. etc. etc.

This is tangential to your discussion with Shannon, but I want to mention, it is the CDing husband's responsibility to educate his wife. A TS will reach a point where she feels no choice other than be who she is. There can no longer be compromise, which is unfortunate for her family if they are not on board with the transition or the living full-time, but it is what it is. They split up and move on with their lives. Of if the family is on board, they work through it.

But, many of the CDs who are having issues with their wives are NOT standing up to say, "this is a part of who I am and I need to express myself occasionally". Instead, many remain silent out of a desire to not rock the boat, and instead come here to post their frustrations. Heck, we have members here who are even reluctant to say they are transgender and they tell themselves and everyone the CDing is just something they DO, which perpetuates the idea that it is a choice. If these members are dressing openly in front of their wives and the CDing is just a pasttime for them that's fine, but it is not good to keep it a secret out of a reluctance to address the issue especially if it is more than just a hobby.

There are CDers who haven't reached the level of full self-acceptance and deep down they continue to feel guilty for putting their wives through having to be married to a CDer. So they are torn internally between feeling a need to dress and also agreeing with their wives' positions that it is bad to put a marriage through this. So, they suffer in silence, or hide while telling themselves there is no harm in engaging in a pastime their wives don't approve of, or they build resentments over having to repress themselves to the point where divorce looms a few years down the road.

And in the midst of this rat's nest of misunderstanding and strife, a popular coping mechanism is to escape in a fantasy world or give into some of the compulsive behaviors that can be associated with the CDing, which makes matters even worse on the home front. It's like trying to keep the dam from leaking with an index finger, or keep the lid on a ventless pressure cooker with a piece of tape.

It's difficult on everyone and the best solution in my opinion is to put all cards out on the table and get real. And then deal with the consequences ... like pulling a band-aid off quickly rather than prolonging the pain.

And by putting the cards on the table, I mean acknowledging to the Self and the Other that the CDing is a need and not a choice.

[DonniDarkness]

My name is Donni,
and i am addicted to Love.....

it is the CDing husband's responsibility to educate his wife.

Being a cder in a marriage (10years in Dec.!) where i have been open about my gender expression (even though i did not really understand being TG then) i have come to understand that i have become -dependent- on my spouses love for me....the WHOLE ME. The only way i was able to become educated about Transgenderism was by working all these things out for myself, 8 years ago i had no education about who i really was inside i just knew i was different. So i started educating myself not really knowing where to start, except i knew that this was something i could not do without her love. My honesty to her early in our life together is what educated us both over time.

This thread talks about being addicted to CDing as in having a dependency...then uses street drug/financial analogies to back a terrible definition of addiction. Im not ok with this.
If one were to use the terms addicted and crossdressing it should be at least done in such a way that does not make us appear to be the dirge of society.......street drug users and financial abusers make an active mental -choice- when they exercise their -dependencies-....... Crossdressers who are TG are born with the needs we have there is no addiction in that.

The addiction comes from irresponsibility, dishonesty, and denial........and not on the -dependency- of your needs as a crossdresser...

Slightly Annoyed,
-Donni-

[Aprilrain]

street drug users and financial abusers make an active mental -choice- when they exercise their -dependencies-...... Crossdressers who are TG are born with the needs we have there is no addiction in that.

The addiction comes from irresponsibility, dishonesty, and denial........and not on the -dependency- of your needs as a crossdresser.

If its an addiction its NOT a choice. Over one hundred years of chemical addiction science out there and people still don't get it. This does not bode well for transgenderism!

I would say irresponsibility, dishonesty, and denial come from being addicted not the other way around

[Ria]

The addiction comes from irresponsibility, dishonesty, and denial........and not on the -dependency- of your needs as a crossdresser...

I can respect not comparing CDing to substance abuse or other dependencies. When we dig deeper into the issue it calls into question personal motives etc, and as such will bring about our other labels for our compulsion to CD such as self expression... but aren't we splitting hairs here? Can't we call it what it is?

If it's a desire to express, and the desire is compulsive, then isn't that a form of addiction? I suppose the words we use are just the "map" not the actual "territory". the meaning of "addiction" can mean different things to people. I guess I don't feel the need to differentiate the term addiction but I could see how it conjures up negative emotions to the term.

[Kittyagain]

some family's suck! just sayin.

Kittyagain as far as I can tell you are wrong about 90% of the time. My math might be a little off on that but its close enough.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch Ouch!

I push myself to simplify. Lots of risk in being wrong but the end result of gaining knowledge is well worth the failures.

Kitty

[LeaP]

This is tangential to your discussion with Shannon, but I want to mention, it is the CDing husband's responsibility to educate his wife. A TS will reach a point where she feels no choice other than be who she is. There can no longer be compromise, which is unfortunate for her family if they are not on board with the transition or the living full-time, but it is what it is. They split up and move on with their lives. Of if the family is on board, they work through it.

But, many of the CDs who are having issues with their wives are NOT standing up to say, "this is a part of who I am and I need to express myself occasionally". Instead, many remain silent out of a desire to not rock the boat, and instead come here to post their frustrations. Heck, we have members here who are even reluctant to say they are transgender and they tell themselves and everyone the CDing is just something they DO, which perpetuates the idea that it is a choice. If these members are dressing openly in front of their wives and the CDing is just a pasttime for them that's fine, but it is not good to keep it a secret out of a reluctance to address the issue especially if it is more than just a hobby.

There are CDers who haven't reached the level of full self-acceptance and deep down they continue to feel guilty for putting their wives through having to be married to a CDer. So they are torn internally between feeling a need to dress and also agreeing with their wives' positions that it is bad to put a marriage through this. So, they suffer in silence, or hide while telling themselves there is no harm in engaging in a pastime their wives don't approve of, or they build resentments over having to repress themselves to the point where divorce looms a few years down the road.

And in the midst of this rat's nest of misunderstanding and strife, a popular coping mechanism is to escape in a fantasy world or give into some of the compulsive behaviors that can be associated with the CDing, which makes matters even worse on the home front. It's like trying to keep the dam from leaking with an index finger, or keep the lid on a ventless pressure cooker with a piece of tape.

It's difficult on everyone and the best solution in my opinion is to put all cards out on the table and get real. And then deal with the consequences ... like pulling a band-aid off quickly rather than prolonging the pain.

And by putting the cards on the table, I mean acknowledging to the Self and the Other that the CDing is a need and not a choice.

Yes, on every single point. Sorry to quote the entire post, but I think 100% of it is spot-on.

Lea