Do you KNOW yourself? Are you BEING yourself?

[Anne2345]

“Know thyself.” - Socrates

"'Know Thyself' was written over the portal of the antique world. Over the portal of the new world, 'Be Thyself' shall be written." - Oscar Wilde

Do you really know yourself? If you do, are you being yourself?

It is extremely easy to answer both of these questions in the affirmative. It is also easy to believe in the answers you offer to yourself.

At least it was easy for me. Heck, my entire adult life I thought I was merely a happy-go-lucky crossdresser that needed nothing further in life. I thought I was good with my blessed sanctuary that is my closet, and my wife’s knowledge and acceptance of me. I thought that this was all I needed to occupy myself within a safe, small, comfortable, and private femme world I had carefully molded over a span of many years.

And yet, I was completely wrong. Over the past several months, I have recognized that I need soooo much more than what I previously allowed myself in life. As a result, I have begun taking steps to achieve my new goals, and to identify and meet my needs and aspirations.

“Self-knowledge is the beginning of self-improvement.” - Baltasar Gracián

As some of you know, I have been desperate to discover who and what I am. I have really been hard on myself, and beat myself up over and over again for quite some time now. I have questioned this, that, and the other thing. I have been relentless of late in my quest for the truth.

Ironically enough, the truth was just sitting there all this time, right in front of me, simply waiting for me to acknowledge its presence, and accept it for what it was. Grasping that truth, making it mine, and accepting it, however, has been one of the most difficult, challenging, and necessary exercises I have ever performed.

In so doing, though, and acknowledging my truths for what they are, I have discovered that the entirety of my adult life has been lived in denial, fear, repression, hiding, and under false pretenses. I meant well, I suppose. I simply wanted to fit in, be “normal” (whatever that is), and not stir up any controversy.

So what better way to do this than to build up and fortify a massive psychological prison, place certain truths within, slam the gate shut, lock the door, and throw away the key, huh? Regretfully, the strategy worked well for two decades. But no more . . . .

For the first real time in my life, I now know myself. I really know myself, and I am over the hump. That is not to say that the prospect of the future does not scare the hell out of me – it does! But it also excites me to no end. I fully recognize that I have much work to do in achieving, establishing, and maintaining a workable balance, but the thing is - I know myself! And in so knowing myself, I feel relief. Simple, blessed, merciful relief.

Of course, as I said, this is just only the beginning of my new path and journey. But unlike previous years, where I was on cruise control, I honestly believe that self-improvement, maturation, and evolution are around the corner, waiting for me to come around the bend.

So perhaps there is something to knowing and being thyself, after all. What do you think? Do you know yourself? Are you being yourself? Or are you on your own path of self-discovery, just plodding along, and attempting to figure yourself out? Have you been in denial as to who and what you are? Or have you got it all figured out?

“What a wonderful day we've had. You have learned something, and I have learned something. Too bad we didn't learn it sooner. We could have gone to the movies instead.” - Balki Bartokomous (Perfect Strangers)

D’OH!!!!

[rachaelsloane]

Anne,
Like the ad says "You've come a long way baby". I know it has not been an easy path for you. I am so happy to see you now being able to openly express yourself.
I have long accepted my CD'ing, but only recently have been able to fully appreciate the whole experience, joining this forum as well as getting out.
Here's to many happy days ahead,
Rachael

[Persephone]

Congratulations Anne! As Kermit the Frog once said, "It isn't easy being green."

As for myself I eventually came to the conclusion that it was more about evolution. I sometimes regret the time that I "wasted" along the way, but was it really wasted or was it just the time it took to grow?

In an anthropomorphic sense, does the butterfly regret the time it was a caterpillar? Or did it enjoy that too?

Hugs,
Persephone.

[KellyJameson]

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

Life begins when we learn to accept and than transcend our fears. To step away from the security of the group and even risk the wrath, hate and disgust of all who we know to have a relationship first and foremost with ourselves. Everything comes with a price and each must decide what they are willing to and capable of paying because the relationship with self is to a degree dependant on our relationship with others and so the question is about compromise versus integrity. How much of ourselves do we lose to keep that other part of ourselves alive through our relations with others. I am very happy for your happiness and this radiance of self acceptance will warm all those who know you.

[suzy1]

Several thoughts came to mind as I read your thread Anne.

One of them is a lesson I learned the hard way some time ago.
If you are not living your life as the real you, but living your life to just fit in with what others expect of you, then you will never be happy. It’s imposable.
Also, if you love yourself and are comfortable with whom you are then you are capable of loving others.

It took a long time and a big part of my life to learn this lesson.

The down side of all this is you could hurt others in your life.
But that’s a subject for another thread perhaps.

Your friend Suzy

[Kate Simmons]

Yep, I pretty much know that I'm a full spectrum person as far as feelings go. Part of that is expressing myself in different ways and using different formats.It can be colorful to say the least and I really only classify myself as a person. What I've come to realize is that it is the core person that is appreciated regardless of all of the "window dressing" one way or the other. "People are our most important product!" to paraphrase the old General Electric slogan.

[Marleena]

Very nice Anne! I've finally figured it out (see my crossdressing is a gift post). Some of us never figure it out. Obviously there is more to life than just crossdressing. *life is a highway*

[marlaNYC]

1. yes. too well. to the point of denial of knowing myself that well, that it's not possible to know the extent of my quirks...
2. no. not even close. most of the time i'm another part of me trying to be what i deem to be required, which is just plain stupid.

[AllieSF]

Congratulations Anne for your current peace of mind? That being said, I sometimes wonder if it is really possible to fully know ourselves, thus the question mark at the end of the previous sentence. I believe that we can know a lot about ourselves and then discover new things that may really alter who we thought we were. In other words, it is a constant process of maturing, experiencing and subsequently learning. I thought I knew myself over 4 years ago and was satisfied about who I was and how I was living my life. I never questioned whether or not I was living who I thought I was. Why? Probably because I was living my life as I wanted. Right after that I discovered a new side of me and my life and started dressing. The key to this life long process of living is how we handle those potentially life altering decision points when they pop up. I have always been a pragmatical and logical person (partly from my engineering education). Therefore, I think that I have successfully managed and lived my life without a lot of second guessing, worrying and laboring over those decision points in my life, including how I am handling my current new part of me. I don't brag about that capability, but rather thank that Power to be for this precious gift. I also try to empathize with those that do have trouble getting through their own decision points. So dear Anne, it truly is great that you are successfully managing this phase of your life, and expect others to follow eventually somewhere down the road. Hopefully with the maturing and learning process that you are now going through you will be better able deal with the next phases as they unfold.

[elizabethamy]

Anne, thank you for this thread...this is my question to myself -- who am I? how do I know how far I will take this new elizabethamy person who has awakened within me and wants her share of the time? What is her share? 20%? 50%? 100%? Knowing yourself is the most important thing, yet though I have always felt that I did so, somewhere along came elizabethamy to tell me otherwise...Can you share what you did to know yourself better after all this time? With love,
elizabethamy

[Frédérique]

What do you think? Do you know yourself? Are you being yourself?

[SIZE="2"]I am a solipsist. Case closed…[/SIZE]

[Kaz]

I continue to learn and develop. I do not believe in the concept of finite knowledge. I know myself better today than yesterday because I think about it daily. But I also know that I will never know everything about myself... sometimes I suprise myself... sometimes a joy, sometimes less so. To know ourselves we need to understand our dark sides and what motivates those issues...

So I live, I learn, I live a bit more... etc...

But, I have a deep rooted value that I adhere to (as I can't seem to get rid of it!)... I will only hurt others if they hurt me first, and then only in self-defence or to defend people I love and/or respect... If at times I transgress from this it is accidental not purposeful.

[Johnnifer]

“Know thyself.” - Socrates

"'Know Thyself' was written over the portal of the antique world. Over the portal of the new world, 'Be Thyself' shall be written." - Oscar Wilde

Do you really know yourself? If you do, are you being yourself?

It is extremely easy to answer both of these questions in the affirmative. It is also easy to believe in the answers you offer to yourself.


In so doing, though, and acknowledging my truths for what they are, I have discovered that the entirety of my adult life has been lived in denial, fear, repression, hiding, and under false pretenses. I meant well, I suppose. I simply wanted to fit in, be “normal” (whatever that is), and not stir up any controversy.

So what better way to do this than to build up and fortify a massive psychological prison, place certain truths within, slam the gate shut, lock the door, and throw away the key, huh? Regretfully, the strategy worked well for two decades. But no more . . . .

Do I know myself? not really, I change too much to know. Exploring myself has done more to answer what I am not than what I am. And I know from the past that can change too (and when "what you are NOT" changes it is huge).

Am I being myself? definately not, stuck with my parents and all that is not very likely. Not until I get brave enough/motivated enough to face the pain and fear and move out.

You made a big point that resonates with me about being normal as the wrong move.

Since high school up to a few years ago all I wanted was to be normal and not seen as a freak. Now being normal is the last thing I want. I want to be myself, whatever that is, but in a safe place to be it.

[Julogden]

A wonderful posting, Anne, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm printing out your posting so that I can easily use what you've written to remind myself of what I need to do. I was once in the place where I had largely embraced who I was, and I've never been happier, but things went downhill as I began spending more and more time helping my elderly father as his health declined, and I eventually ended up as his full-time caregiver until his final passing. During that time, four years, I pretty much totally lost who I had discovered I was, and in the 7 years since, I've had a terrible struggle trying to get back to where I was before. Your posting will be of great help to remind me of what I need to do.

Thanks!!
Carol

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Do you really know yourself? If you do, are you being yourself?

Maybe. I'm always learning.

At least it was easy for me. Heck, my entire adult life I thought I was merely a happy-go-lucky crossdresser that needed nothing further in life. I thought I was good with my blessed sanctuary that is my closet, and my wife’s knowledge and acceptance of me. I thought that this was all I needed to occupy myself within a safe, small, comfortable, and private femme world I had carefully molded over a span of many years.

I did something similar.

And yet, I was completely wrong. Over the past several months, I have recognized that I need soooo much more than what I previously allowed myself in life. As a result, I have begun taking steps to achieve my new goals, and to identify and meet my needs and aspirations.

Excellent!

I have been relentless of late in my quest for the truth.

Ah, but sometimes, you have to use occam's razor because sometimes one can waste too much time thinking and not enough doing.

Grasping that truth, making it mine, and accepting it, however, has been one of the most difficult, challenging, and necessary exercises I have ever performed.

Didn't say it was going to be easy. :-)

In so doing, though, and acknowledging my truths for what they are, I have discovered that the entirety of my adult life has been lived in denial, fear, repression, hiding, and under false pretenses. I meant well, I suppose. I simply wanted to fit in, be “normal” (whatever that is), and not stir up any controversy.

Yes, you DID mean well.

That is not to say that the prospect of the future does not scare the hell out of me – it does! But it also excites me to no end. I fully recognize that I have much work to do in achieving, establishing, and maintaining a workable balance, but the thing is - I know myself! And in so knowing myself, I feel relief. Simple, blessed, merciful relief.

Excellent! But more later in response to Scarlett Rose.

The down side of all this is you could hurt others in your life.
But that’s a subject for another thread perhaps.

Yep.

Sorry Anne but your post was like reading some secret note that strangers aren't supposed to decipher.
What did you discover?
What are you doing now that you weren't doing before?
If you discovered yourself then what did you find?
If you are now being true to yourself, then what is it that you are actually doing differently now?

You have a point, in that Anne is using circumlocution and hinting at things more than necessary, but if you read this thread in context with a few others Anne has started since she joined you'll figure it out. Specifically:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ts.&highlight=

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/....-.&highlight=

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...-We&highlight=

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...-It&highlight=

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/....-.&highlight=

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...OUT&highlight=

Anne I'm going to have to gently chide you to "use the words" a bit more, especially because newcomers might not be as familiar with your posting history as some of us are. It's better to actually say things directly.

In other words, to put it succinctly and perhaps bluntly:

Anne once a proponent of "the closet is the best thing in the universe", figured out she's a TS, (EDIT: ah yes, confirmed in this thread: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...th&highlight=o ) and is doing things to deal with it. Talking with wife, talking with counselor, opening up about "This Thing of Ours of Varying Kinds" to friends, etc etc. All of which are good things. And she admitted she'd been lying to herself in her heart of hearts and had been wrong, which is very hard to do, and I commend her for it.

Does that help?

Veronica

[AnitaH]

Thanks for your post. Only in the last couple of years can I say that I have begun to know myself and be true to myself. Like you I find I have spent my entire adult life being what I thought others expected me to be. It's only now that I have begun to be true to myself that I can say I really have found life, before it was just existing. So if I'm different from what others expect so be it. I'm now on a journey that is at once exciting and frightful, I don't know where it will lead but I cannot go back to just existing.

AnitaH

[Anna Lorree]

Do I know myself? Not nearly as well as I should like to, but better than I did a few years ago. I have talked recently to my wife about starting therapy to try to learn more about who and what I am. Having admitted to a few people that I am transgendered, I have also admitted it to myself. Now I need to figure out how to fit myself and my life together in a way that is positive. I don't think I will ever live it completely for me, rather I must find balance between my wants and what my wife wants. She is my best friend, she matters to me.

Anna

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Maybe I thought I knew who I was and so behaved as I thought I should. Unfortunately the more I learn about myself the puzzle of myself grows complex.
I feel like an onion, as I peel each layer of myself away, I find another complex layer that requires time to analyze, digest and peel it away only to reveal another puzzle.
Maybe this journey around the vortex of my life will suck me into a true revealing of who I really am and then I will be who I was intended to be. Until then I am as confused as ever.

[Jorja]

There was a time long ago when I knew exactly who and what I was to be. As my life quickly evolved from youth to adult, it all changed. No longer was there someone telling me who I was to be. I had to follow my own direction. I found a person that had always been there and needed to be set free. I started on a journey that redefined who and what for me. Like an ugly duckling she grew into a beautiful swan. She has lived, loved, laughed, and achieved success. Now as she starts a new phase of her life, she looks back at where she came. Would she change anything along the way? Yes, she most certainly would. She would have started much sooner if it were possible.

[docrobbysherry]

Many others have touched on this in their posts. Here's My take.

Whatever satisfaction, joy, love, knowledge, or contentment u enjoy today, it's likely to CHANGE during the days, weeks, or years ahead!

When I was kid, all the movies had these happy endings! The hero and/or heroine ride off into the sunset, often together, and lived happily ever after! I grew up in a generation that thot OUR LIFE WOULD BE LIKE THAT! Viet Nam and the 60's began to change that view.

What I'm saying is that EVERYTHING in our lives is constantly changing. Including ourselves!

I'm 60+ now. I don't know or understand myself entirely and don't ever expect to! All I HOPE TO DO IS ENJOY THE RIDE and NOT miss too much of the scenery along the road!

[kimdl93]

I'd like to say that I know myself. I have a fair sense of who I am today, but I also believe, as Barb noted above, that like everyone else, I'm evolving. To the second questioon, I think I'm being myself to a greater extent than I have in my life. I am enjoying the harmony between who I feel that I am and how I live my life.

[Karren H]

"Myself" is not a constant... It's what ever I want me to be.. And it changes over time. And as long as I'm happy with myself. Then I really don't care if I know myself.....

[Anne2345]

"Myself" is not a constant... It's what ever I want me to be.. And it changes over time. And as long as I'm happy with myself. Then I really don't care if I know myself.....

Although true many, if not all, change over time (I am no exception), some parts of the self are more constant than others, and not subject to change by whim or decision.

But as long as you are happy, that is what counts. Given happiness, as long as you are not hurting anyone else, I suppose it really may not matter if you know yourself or not. I have read this sentiment in many other threads, as well, by other members, so I am sure there is something to it . . . .

As for me, I tried really, really hard to not care about acknowledging who and what I am. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to remain unknowing. And it worked for a long time. It actually worked . . . . Until I spiralled down into a deep, desperate depression, that is. I have been torn up over this for some time now, and absolutely obsessed with it. The experience was mercilessly difficult and I was miserable. I cried every single day without fail. I hurt. I was in deep pain and agony. I had to know. I had to be brutally honest with myself. Fortunately, I recognized that I needed professional counseling and therapy. I cannot express enough how helpful this has been. But regardless, I simply could not continue down the road of denial I had been on for so long. It was destroying me. However, it does so no longer . . . . .

So more power to ya, Karren, and those like you that can pull it off with ease. I tried to be that way, but failed miserably at it.

[Taylor186]

.
“You too must not count too much on your reality as you feel it today, since like yesterday, it may prove an illusion for you tomorrow.” -- Luigi Pirandello (philosopher)

[*Vanessa*]

D'oh - yourself girl. What a great thread !!!
My reply-

Decipher, Scarlet Rose? I think not. I recognize this person.
A quote from one of my old posts:

I don't know when she popped out, truly I don't.
I can hardly get work done these past few weeks. My old trick of looking at the man in the mirrors isn't working either. She has come around and is determined not to leave. Maybe I am simply unaware I need her help, she has always protected me in the past. I love her, and maybe I should let her stay.
If I could find her cork and put her back maybe I could last until she is no longer needed. But that I know will never be. This is my lavender fog.

A reply to that OP from a friend who thinks she has a angry management problem

Vanessa, she will never go away... accept her and then she will become less of a burden and even a friend. You don't HAVE to let her out into the outside world... you just need to accept her... xx

And a poem written by Michelle-Leigh two years ago. I love it
A T-Girl Is Born.....

She came from within me
back in my childhood
When I first put on a dress
and made her feel so good.
She stayed and and lived with me
from that moment on
Dressing flamboyantly
When I was left alone.

All through my teenage years
She lay dormant in me.
Supressed by the strong desires
of my puberty.
When I first fell in love
with another girl
She withdrew deep into me
far from the world.

Now all the girls I loved in bed
Tried to eclipse her...
And some of the more beautiful
were more real to me.
But in between those times in bed
I became so lonely
And she would come to comfort me
As she could only.

When I entered married life
I thought she would leave me
But when I was at home alone
she would still break free.
Dressed up in lingerie
for the very first time
in corset and garter hose
it made her feel so fine.

Then in more recent time,
She overpowered me,
Coming out in a public place
For everyone to see...
For a time I thought that she
would destroy my world
Changing me internally
into a girl.

How could I now leave her behind
abandon her for good
They all say it's impossible
So I don't think I ever could....
I'm even buying her wardrobe,
panties and thigh hose....
Just like I really should have done
So many years ago.

How will I make the grand design?
What is hers and what is mine?
cause there is no more room in here
And we have got to share it, dear.
I satisfy her endless needs
and justify her girly deeds
in the name of femininity
and in the name of love.

And you can see her there
dressed in her silk gown
stroking her long brown hair
because it feels so good...
And I call her Michelle-Leigh
The girl within me,
The queen of my femininity
I've always longed to be.
[/QUOTE]

Today I recognize a person more complex then I could ever imagine, in me. Now is the job to figure out this new life I need to live.

Thank-you Anne (my dear friend) for sharing yours.