Living in the real world.

[suzy1]

Yet another member has fallen into the trap of reading other members having wonderful lives sharing there C.D.ing with there accepting wives.
Going out dressed with them. Having there wives go shopping with them for panties and so on.

And then the pink fog [I don’t like that expression myself] blinding them to reality.
They believe that this is how it will be for them too if they come out to there wife. [No, I am not saying that’s wrong]

But the result can be a broken marriage and lives blighted. The couple, the children, the wider family, all badly affected.

I know this “coming out to your wife” subject is controversial.
But I think if there is one thing that can go wrong when coming here to this wonderful and supportive site its loosing there hold on reality.

There are countless crossdressers out there that satisfy there C.D. needs without ever telling there wives. Perhaps, just sometimes that is the best thing to do.

We all need to hold on to reality, not just for our own sake, but for the sake of our wives, children and family.

It hurt me to read the members thread.

SUZY

[kellycan27]

Disclosure can be a very slippery slope.... in a sort damned if you do, damned if you don't way. Either way it's gonna be a crap shoot. I don't envy that choice. Good luck!

Kel

[kimdl93]

It seems almost assured that CDrs will be damned if they don't tell their wives. Its too darn easy to get caught and then what. I agree with Kelly - its a crap shoot, but so is trying to hide.

[Marleena]

It seems almost assured that CDrs will be damned if they don't tell their wives. Its too darn easy to get caught and then what. I agree with Kelly - its a crap shoot, but so is trying to hide.

I'm in the tell your SO early in the relationship camp. Even if you've given it up to be with them, it (CDing) won't go away. How many times have we seen that happen? If you already have kids, etc. and in a permanent relationship it's tougher.

Also keep in mind some of us with supportive wives can have them turn sour. Quite often the wife's approval ends up being the green light (in our mind) for us to really get into it. So much so that it consumes us and we lose that approval we had. Moderation and boundaries are the key.

BTW Suzy, I'm sorry to hear of the member having this problem. Life is tough enough as it is.

[Karren H]

All this truthfulness makes me sick! Mark me down in the "lie through your teeth like there's no tomorrow" camp... Until you get caught!!.. Then ask for forgiveness and tell her you will never do it again... Opppss.. I lied again! Lol.

[SuzanneBender]

Mark me down in the "lie through your teeth like there's no tomorrow" camp... Until you get caught!!.. Then ask for forgiveness and tell her you will never do it again... Opppss.. I lied again! Lol.

Does that mean that your really are for being truthful and are just lying to us about it.

I agree that telling your spouse is risky business. Sometimes it works out great (I don't really like those stories because they make me jealous), sometimes it results in increased tension in the house and sometimes it results in the marriage falling apart. I agree with Kelly the results will likely be worse if you are caught, but if you never get caught then the status quo can remain.

Ultimately it is up to the person to look at their situation realistically. When I came out to my wife it was because I knew that the mental impact from keeping it hidden was causing an enormous amount of friction that was driving us apart and I had nothing to loose in telling her. It didn't make things perfect, but it improved our relationship. At least it bought us some more time together, but who knows what tomorrow holds.

My heart goes out to the person that this did not work out for and my prayers are with everyone wrestling with this.

[kimdl93]

I'm in the tell your SO early in the relationship camp. Even if you've given it up to be with them, it (CDing) won't go away. How many times have we seen that happen? If you already have kids, etc. and in a permanent relationship it's tougher.

Also keep in mind some of us with supportive wives can have them turn sour. Quite often the wife's approval ends up being the green light (in our mind) for us to really get into it. So much so that it consumes us and we lose that approval we had. Moderation and boundaries are the key.

Moderation, boundaries and constant communication.

Btw, in my first marriage, my x was fine with the CDing. It was an idiotic moment of infidelity that wrecked the relationship. Substitute hiding the CDing for infidelity and you have somewhat the same issue - a loss of trust.

[Cynthia Anne]

I would sure think it's better to let your S.O. in on your secret that won't go away then let her find out on her own! It you have been doing something without her knowing when she finds out on her own you will pay double trouble! I think in the long run it would be better to let her know and not accept it then to keep secrets from her! JMO! Hugs!

[Fran Moore]

Count me in on feeling the pain of one of our members when the "confession" goes badly. Since this subject has been bantered about repeatedly, and the horse has been thoughly beaten, there is not much more that I can say. Relationships may last or fail, be changed for the better or worse, but one thing remains the same for the majority of us......We will continue to do what we do because I truly believe we were "born this way" (thanks Lady Gaga).

Suzanne

[Persephone]

But I think if there is one thing that can go wrong when coming here to this wonderful and supportive site its loosing there hold on reality.

Maybe I got here late today, Suzy, so I'm not yet sure which thread you are referring to, but I did want to totally agree with your line above.

I am an out-and-about with a fully accepting spouse whom I told years ago before we got married (but longer into the relationship than I should have waited according to her). Still, I know that I took our relationship in my hands when I did tell her -- probably one of the most difficult moments of my life.

I am of the opinion that one's wife does have a right to know, whether before or after the marriage and that our telling her ourselves is way better than what will happen from discovery. Better to sit down calmly and discuss or better to have her walk in on you? Or how about if she discovers an item or two and is left with the suspicion that you're having an affair -- is that going to be better?

Furthermore, marriage should be about trust and openness. What happens to you when you keep such an important part of your life bottled up? How about the frustration, the anger, you don't think those end up affecting your relationship? Keeping such a large part of yourself hidden probably also leads to divorces.

So it is something that the CD'er has to think about and although I never had the experience of rejection, so I can't judge it from that side, I'm on the side of openness and telling.

But I definitely agree with you that being here can loosen one's hold on reality and can give the CD'er a false sense of security when it comes to the community at large. Unless someone is deliberately doing the half-male half-female sort of thing that some here like to do, I do not believe that anyone should go out in public crossdressed until they have really, really thought it through. The ramifications of going out on a whim, ill prepared to deal with being in public, and ill-prepared for chance encounters with others -- including your best friend or your boss -- can be devastating.

Never mind the scenario of little girl possibly screaming "Mommy! There's a man in here!" that gets posted here from time to time, how about this one -- you're driving down the street your first time out and you're so scared that you are literally hyperventilating and shaking. A car comes by you on your right and the other driver looks your way. OMG! It's your boss! You are so frightened and shaking that you swerve -- into his car. Ready to deal with that one?

Do I believe in going out? Absolutely! That's where I am every day. But only when someone is ready and not when they feel emboldened and challenged by some posts on a computer network.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Nigella]

This is a topic that goes around and around and around and around, well you get the picture

My opinion is that this is who you are and so should be shared with those who you love and share your life with. Having said that, lets face it, none of us know the dynamics of the relationships of others, we don't know which buttons, when pushed, move the relationship to self destruct. Each member here will need to decide for themselves if it is to their advantage or disadvantage to share their alternate persona, weigh up the pros and cons of either dealing with a direct tell and its ramifications, or the ramifications of being found out.

[*Vanessa*]

Ya, I'm in the 'lie-through-your-teeth' camp.. I feel for the CDers that somehow get caught having to 'come clean' late in a marriage. That's gotta be tough.

I guess I lucked out by telling my Ex who/what I was prior to getting married, but even that didn't save it, she just wanted a more 'manlier man' (what ever that is) and left after 27 years of a not-so-bad relationship.

And for the others: "It is easier to ask for forgiveness then permission"

[Lynn Marie]

[SIZE="4"]If you hide your CDing from your wife, then you are being dishonest and untrustworthy and you're building a wall between you and your spouse and maybe even your kids too. Sacrificing much of our own desires for the well being of our offspring is pretty much the definition of adulthood and parenthood. We live for our kids.

As far as I'm concerned, once the kids are gone, you can find a way to tell your spouse and don't be surprised if she wants a divorce. Hell, you might want one at this stage because of all the years you've spent sitting on your own desires and compulsions![/SIZE]

[LeaP]

Moderation, boundaries and constant communication.

Btw, in my first marriage, my x was fine with the CDing. It was an idiotic moment of infidelity that wrecked the relationship. Substitute hiding the CDing for infidelity and you have somewhat the same issue - a loss of trust.

I'm glad you said "somewhat". I've never regarded crossdressing as a trust issue. People tend to focus on the hiding aspect (at worst terming it deceit), which misses the psychological and social points entirely. Result? Instant defense. Problem? That IS the problem! Well guess what - all kinds of things with major relationship implications come out of the closet in marriage. it's just SO easy to play the guilt card on conflicted behavior. I'm not going to specify some of the things my ex came out with, but let me just say that some of them, at least, were in the same league as crossdressing as far as emotional and relational impact.

Back on topic, I couldn't continue to live a false life. I WANT to continually extend trust to my wife, whatever the consequences, and I believe in close relationships. I assume there are others with similar beliefs.

Lea

[Karren H]

Does that mean that your really are for being truthful and are just lying to us about it.

Then I wasn't lying about lying. But I am now. I think..

[Dixie]

Karen you crack me up. When I was married my ex already knew about my crossdressing before we got married. I just wouldn't know the first thing about coming out to someone as I've never really actually had to do it. I joke about wearing dresses or feeling pretty but I never have said you know I'm a crossdresser. A few people know because they've seen me and they are supportive at least they were (they've moved). My divorce was based on other issues and not my crossdressing. But any future relationship I may have, I just don't know where the crossdressing will fit in.

[Southern Michele]

This is serious business. There is no doubt that a well intended "girl" who gets courage from reading some of these posts can totally trash their lives in a short dinner table conversation. If you decide to tell your wife about your activities, don't waste much on a lawyer because you are toast. If you don't have much and have time enough left in your life to rebuild, then maybe you don't have much to loose. Certainly not all, but many women will take what you have and move on with very little trouble in the court system. Look at the current news if you don't think a lot of people will jump on the band wagon for "baddness" for someone who is shown to be a little off of centerline. My advice is to SERIOUSLY consider your own situation before doing something that can change many lives. If you decide to stay hidden, is it so bad to live your fantacy through others? Food for thought.

Those of you who really have SOs who take you out shopping should organize bus tours for the others who do not have that level of support. My 2 cents.

[Kaz]

Yeah, it is serious. The trouble is there isn't a 'one size fits all' to this. All women were not created the same and neither were crossdressers... as we know. To me you have to really understand the relationships you have and the impacts that telling will have. I do not subscribe to total honesty because there is no such thing, and if there were, then society would ne anarchistic. We cannot and should not go through life just telling everyone 'how it is'. I respect others' feelings and will always try to navigate my course appropriately.

So yeah, I feel for members who believe this at face value and then fall foul of the 'advice'. Some of us here have been very fortunate with disclosure, but the majority haven't.

And as for the view that this subject has been done to death (or at least is a recurring theme), there will always be members who were not part of the previous threads on the subject and for them this is very topical and highly important!

[LeaP]

"And as for the view that this subject has been done to death (or at least is a recurring theme), there will always be members who were not part of the previous threads on the subject and for them this is very topical and highly important!"

Me, but my wife already knows.

Lea

[Tina B.]

Funny reading all of these post reminded me of a line in the movie, the Music Man. They where talking about travailing salesmen The line was " You've got to know the territory". I would never recommend telling unless there is a chance she might accept, or you are willing to lose it all. But if you are thinking about telling, study the wife, not the CD handbook. Whats her up bringing, how does she react to new things, can she keep a secret. The sad part is plenty of times a guy thinks he has it figured out, she has gay friends, she laughed at Tootsie, but when it comes home, not so much. I told my wife 5 years in to the marriage, I know it was late, but I'm one of those that thought marriage might be a "cure", and I was looking for a "cure". I was pushed emotionally to the edge by the desire to dress again and was ruining my marriage anyway, so I didn't have much to lose, and couldn't have been much more miserable than I had already made myself. Well as Janice Joplin said, Freedom is having nothing left to lose, and for me she was right. I got lucky, my wife said OK, so now put on a dress and quit being a A--hole, so I did, I've have spend 35 years in a marriage I never felt like I deserved. So I guess I still fall in the maybe it's best to tell, but then maybe you can live with that secret better than I could.
Tina B.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I know this “coming out to your wife” subject is controversial.

No, it's not. Ask the wives. You KNOW what they'll say, that they would liked to have been told sooner rather than after years and years of marriage.

There are countless crossdressers out there that satisfy there C.D. needs without ever telling there wives. Perhaps, just sometimes that is the best thing to do.

No, it's not the best thing to do. Do you think they can hide forever? Look at Karren Hutton! She got caught, and a bunch of us told her she would and how coming clean before is better...but she didn't listen. She even did things that INCREASED the possibility that she would get caught, rather self destructive, but my guess is that she subconsciously wanted to be caught and chose that way to "tell" because she was too scared to do it directly.

We all need to hold on to reality, not just for our own sake, but for the sake of our wives, children and family.

Being transgendered/crossdressing/whatever IS a part of our reality...trying to hide it and keep it hidden from those closest to us is futile, and probably not good for us as a whole. One of the things my family told me is how they were disappointed in that I hid it and didn't trust iin their love for me, and that hurt their feelings.

When telling, I think sooner and earlier is better than later, by sooner I mean BEFORE marriage.

Veronica

[elizabethamy]

I feel partly responsible for contributing to the last few days' enthusiasm about telling your wife, because I did so and so far it's been fabulously successful. Stepping back from my own situation a bit, I can see the potential damage -- that's why I didn't tell until I was more or less cornered. I don't think all these situations are identical; everyone's different.

But I think you have to ask -- why are you telling her? And why now? Is it because it relieves your conscience? Is it just in the abstract interest of honesty? Or?

I've told my story elsewhere, and I know, as Suzy says, that I am only at the beginning and there will be ups and downs. But all my life I have blocked out from myself those aspects of my personality that I now call "elizabethamy" and that mainly express themselves as cross dressing. The effort -- unconscious, I swear! -- to block out the feminine aspects has been hard on our marriage, has deprived us of intimacy, and has created obstacles and failures in my work life and personal and professional relationships. (I've done okay, but I know my shortcomings and disappointments well, and they have always frustrated me.)

For me, telling my wife -- and promising to be honest about my crossdressing desire -- is going to help her, too. I know she wishes it didn't exist, but she understands that some of the qualities that have always made me a "nice guy" originate in my feminine side. You can't have one without the other. That's what I 've discovered.

So, Suzy, I think you're right that one person's truth isn't applicable to everyone's. If my wife and I hadn't struggled for years over the mysterious "what's wrong," the current situation would have been much worse. Each person has to figure out when the time is right. For me, I ignored all the internet "tell her" advice for a long time, until I was ready to hear it. So I doubt many people will robotically go off and tell when neither the CD or the wife is ready.

e.

[Tammy V]

Sometimes it comes to a point, where in order to keep progressing you will have to tell your wife, leave or back off. You do risk it all if you tell her, but wives can also be very accepting and they can also be tolerant but not really accepting with the marriage being not so great.

[Rianna Humble]

Yet another member has fallen into the trap of reading other members having wonderful lives sharing there C.D.ing with there accepting wives.
Going out dressed with them. Having there wives go shopping with them for panties and so on.

And then the pink fog [I don’t like that expression myself] blinding them to reality.
They believe that this is how it will be for them too if they come out to there wife.

There used to be a very good sticky about HOW to tell your SO - things to consider before you tell and ways to prepare to give yourself a good chance of success. I haven't spotted that recently (maybe I have looked in the wrong places). I may be totally wrong, but it seems to me that what you are talking about is someone rushing headlong in with little or no preparation and therefore not achieving a good outcome.

Others have mentioned it (and I'm sure it was in the sticky) but there is the question of why you are telling as well as how.

[Kaz]

"And as for the view that this subject has been done to death (or at least is a recurring theme), there will always be members who were not part of the previous threads on the subject and for them this is very topical and highly important!"

Me, but my wife already knows.

Lea

I think you missed the point I was making. I don't understand the response?