Threre is so much I don't know

[*Vanessa*]

Despite my age, I know very little about the 'what' of who I am. I was happily living my life for years without the need to reach out. Saying that, however, without this forum that I came across in September of this year, I am sure I wouldn't be typing this memo.

I have written a few things here, and for the most part the threads that I have responded to ended at that juncture. If I was paranoid I would rip my wig off and jump off a tall building. But I am not!

To those who have read what I have written and think that I am wining or crying over spilled milk I just realized maybe I have a serious problem that just surface months ago. I didn't have a need for any self-deification, self-denial, self-rebuilding, self-abuse, self-approval of any sort from anyone.

All this is new to me. I've tried humor, anger and just laying it out to see what happens. For the most part here has been great response and communication and I thank all of your for that.

I see so many types and classes of ladies here it blows my mind. Growing up there was always to model types, the gorgeous ones. I have never gone to any clubs that maybe I should have to meet anyone like me. If I had my life would probably be much different. Better? probably not, but it would be different.

Why this thread?

How many of you are here later in life? What does this forum provide you? Are able to move forward with your life?

Surely it's gotta be more then what is your favorite color of panties or do you like my new dress?

[elizabethamy]

Hi Vanessa, I'm relatively new here, too, and also started dressing late in life (50 something). I think a lot of threads talk a great deal about why we do it, how we relate to others, how far we're going to take it, how and when to tell, seeing therapists, etc...I've learned a lot in a couple of crazy weeks! The phenomenon of the late-emerging CD really fascinates me -- how could I have kept it suppressed even from myself for so long? Or did something happen in midlife to cause it to start? I can't wait to see my therapist again...she and I are on a journey to find out the answers to these things, and what they mean, and how to put my dressing and the new ways I'm thinking in context so that I don't get overwhelmed by it while trying to do the rest of what used to be my life. It's good to make your acquaintance here, and I kind of like the pink panties myself. Cheers! I hope you are doing great!

Elizabethamy

[Rianna Humble]

Having fought who I am for best part of half a century, I guess you could say that I am here in later life. This site provides me with support and information which I did not previously have and dare I say it, some long-distance friendships.

Many of us will have started out participating in the "what colour xxx are you wearing?" threads, but they are only a very small part of this site. As I am TS, I have tended to gravitate of late towards the transsexual forum, but I'm also interested in the debate that takes place in the main MtF forum, and I like to think that we can all try to support one another.

I got some very specific help when I was trying to work out how to explain about myself to my (then) 88 year-old father and was also goven very helpful advice when I needed to come out to my employer.

Thanks to this site, I am now living as the real me and am well on my way to becoming whole. Without this site, I might not even have been alive today.

[Marleena]

Vanessa I've only know you for a short time, and I think you're a sweetheart.

As for your question, I started late too. I've been underdressing off and on since age 10. The guilt feelings that society puts on us about this being wrong is what made it difficult for me. This Halloween was my awakening I dressed fully with a wig & makeup. It was like somebody hit me over the head, and said "hey stupid this is you, it makes you happy". I told the wife that I was tired of feeling guilty and the urge will never go away. She was fine with that because I took the time to explain it to her. She knows I'm not gay and have no desire to transition. My only reget is that this revelation didn't happen sooner.

I also realize I need to do this more often but not cause discomfort for my wife. That will be more difficult because it's new and I love it. I'm envious of the younger girls wishing I had allowed myself to be happy at a younger age. This forum allows me to share thoughts and feelings using the female side, my post count shows how excited I am. When I'm here I am Marleena, I live it. Yes, I can move on with my life, and Marleena is an important part of it. She lives and breathes until she meets her maker.

[DinaMature]

Hi... I'm 52 and only realized what I needed three years ago. Before that I was drawn to things I didn't understand and reacting in ways I didn't understand. Not that it's all so clear now but once I'd experienced being fully dressed I knew I'd begun to find answers.
And as you say, this forum is such a vital place. It's not about sexuality and skimpy undies but the strength of validation and understanding that none of us need to feel alone in our struggles. There's so much to learn here and it is a safe place to bring feelings and ideas that need airing.

I agree... there's layers of repeat topics and content. But the time stamps and constant flow are reminders of the common issues or dreams we share and that bring us all to this meeting place.
And still we are all unique in our experiences. Just the question of 'nature or nurture' brings a variety of answers. There is never just two sides to any issue.

Move forward? To what from where?
I have a solid partner who I am able to share this with. She's accepting and encouraging.
In the other hand were I in a less hospitable arrangement things might be so differant, I might not even have progressed enough within myself to be on this site. Others here question whether to stay within the 'confines' of their existing life/marriage/role/job or if they should toss those things aside and explore their world as the new found person within.
Again, a common issue but each person's choice and experience is unique to them.

I'm guessing you're at a point I remember finding myself at... You've experienced whatever awakening that drove you to look on the Internet for answers, found this forum and blossomed. If in only thought with no room for action, the material to read here, the instant fellowship and acceptance- these combined to give a large dose of validation and nurturing insight.

But you reach a point where you've gained all that there is to be had here. Not that the forum is to be left but there's an awakening that's experienced here but then we each must turn toward the world and our wardrobe and start taking action. It's time to live, experiment and struggle with finding answers. The questions that are answered, we don't even know until we live the challenge; the knowledge we can only gain by experience.
Then it is back to the forum with anecdotes, adventures and stories of exultation or failure... to share and again be strengthened in that sharing.

You got a long running train of thought in reply from me, but it struck me in such a way, I guess I had a lot to throw into the ring. I hope I didn't over do it.

[charlie]

Hello Vanessa!
I'm older and what this forum provides for me is living proof that I'm not as strange as I have always thought I was. I have a whole set of girls here that express the same wants, desires, questions, self doubts and forthrightness that I do. What a wonderful thing!

[docrobbysherry]

Despite my age, I know very little about the 'what' of who I am.-------------

--------------To those who have read what I have written and think that I am wining or crying over spilled milk I just realized maybe I have a serious problem that just surface months ago. -------------

-----------------Why this thread?
How many of you are here later in life? What does this forum provide you? Are able to move forward with your life?
Surely it's gotta be more then what is your favorite color of panties or do you like my new dress?

I'm over 60 and never tried on an item of ladies clothes until over 50. Nor did I ever desire to until then! I had no idea when I came out of the closet on line here 4 years ago I would EVER:

Go out in public dressed.
Meet other CDs privately and at CD conventions.
Own a semi full of fem wear.
Appear to be a pretty, 20+ y/o naked and/ or dressed, female.
Have more FUN at at my age than I deserve or ever thot possible.

Why am I doing this? And, where am I going with it? I'm CLUELESS!!!

U mention your "problem", Vanessa, but then sort of leave it up to us to guess what it is, specifically?

This forum and the truly wonderful girls here have LONG AGO helped me pass the, "see my new pink dress and matching undies", stage! I have NO IDEA where Sherry will lead me next! All I know is compared to me,
SHE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN!

[Gillian Gigs]

There is much that we may never know. I just got to the point of not wanting to beat myself up any more. I accept who I am and if I change, when it will have to be a higher power than me.

[Kaz]

Despite my age, I know very little about the 'what' of who I am. I was happily living my life for years without the need to reach out. Saying that, however, without this forum that I came across in September of this year, I am sure I wouldn't be typing this memo.

I have written a few things here, and for the most part the threads that I have responded to ended at that juncture. If I was paranoid I would rip my wig off and jump off a tall building. But I am not!

To those who have read what I have written and think that I am wining or crying over spilled milk I just realized maybe I have a serious problem that just surface months ago. I didn't have a need for any self-deification, self-denial, self-rebuilding, self-abuse, self-approval of any sort from anyone.

All this is new to me. I've tried humor, anger and just laying it out to see what happens. For the most part here has been great response and communication and I thank all of your for that.

I see so many types and classes of ladies here it blows my mind. Growing up there was always to model types, the gorgeous ones. I have never gone to any clubs that maybe I should have to meet anyone like me. If I had my life would probably be much different. Better? probably not, but it would be different.

Why this thread?

How many of you are here later in life? What does this forum provide you? Are able to move forward with your life?

Surely it's gotta be more then what is your favorite color of panties or do you like my new dress?

Hi Vanessa,

Yeah, I am also 'later in life'... though I have been cross-dressing since my teens... it has been a long and tortuous journey to where I am now. This site is interesting as it has a mix of serious issues and general 'making friends' threads... Some threads are there to challenge and some to document our journeys.

There are some 'fun' threads, like what colour panties, and they appeal to a group of us who are here for fun, knowing that we are communicating with kindred spirits. There are other threads that push boundaries...

This site has changed my life. Before I had spent decades of wondering who I was and why I had these recurrent urges. I purged many times... I tried so hard to not be a CD.

Then I realised. I joined this site and my life has changed. Yes I am in the closet (sort of), but I know who I am... though I am trying to understand who that person is! I am a CD. I am not going to deny it any longer.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Vanessa I am 48 and since coming out as m2f this forum has helped me understand I am not alone. I wish I had the resources we have know back when I was a kid, it would have stopped years of torment in my mind, heart, spirit, and definitely on my body!

Hugs

[cassandra54]

well i joined this thread because i was trying to find out where it was safe to go out in public around where i live and hopefully with my SO. she is not receptive to going out with me in public. among other times in my life, i dressed for her as a fetish. the only problem was that i liked it and beyond the bedroom. the more i dressed, the more complete i wanted the experience to be. wigs, makeup glasses and lots and lots of clothes. it was kind of new territory for me and i found out recently that my SO is not to thrilled about the whole thing, but as i told her, it's too late. i like being cassandra and i am not going to stop.

yes it was late in life for me. i turned 57 in june and i regret not having done this all my life. there's a lot of things i regret not having done all my life as well, but no matter. i think i am at a point in my life where i feel complete and some closure to who i am and where i am going. yes there's a lot more to this forum for me than what color panties are you wearing or do you like my dress. here are some of the things i learned.

1. i am not alone there are probably millions of men like me in this world. among our ranks are a lot of talented, creative and intelligent people. we are doctors, lawyers, engineers, artist like you and me. this fact along with the way that it appears some of us have conducted our lives gives a certain air of legitimacy.
2. i am probably androgyne and transdgender. i don't have a problem with that. i feel relief and closure. i am happy with who i am.
3. i can learn and share information as this journey continues. i am looking forward to a lot of wonderful and fun experiences, both as my male and female half.
4. my arrival at this point in life is a by product of me deciding to cultivate my artistic and intellectual talents and let them drive my life. my discovery of cassandra along the way is only one of many good things that have happened for me in the last four years.

[jillleanne]

I'm here simply for the social aspect of it, a social at home. I'm also in other forums as well. As a person, I like this one because it maintains a nice standard of behavior that tries to keep some sort of order that represents qualities we strive to achieve in our own lives. If I ever needed to be a w&%re, I could find forums for that also.
As for moving forward with my acceptance of my life, I am there already. I need nothing more to fulfill my life, well, maybe some more FF stockings from Stocking Girl.
Someone questioned in another thread(locked) where have all their old friends gone? Simple, like any forum, people come and go over time, I will also.

[Lace-Is-Great]

I'm in my early 30's, and I'm sure it would have been fantastic if I had been in a world and environment where I could have started crossdressing as a girl since my early teens. Those are the years when my urges to be more like the opposite gender, a beautiful girl, became apparent to me.

At the same time, I'm grateful that I've come to terms and accepting of it without another decade or two passing by, even if not publicly with most other people --- I have confided my desires to be Femme with some cool female friends who were open-minded and accepting.

I would say that I am moving forward, but at a slow pace... at least slower than what I'd like it to be.
But I suppose that would apply to other areas of life, too... I'd also like my excercise fitness routine and more-vegetarian diet to progress faster, too, but we all need our own time! lol

That being said, I am looking forward to more opportunities to express my Femme side and to interact with people while dressed at private gatherings at first, perhaps.

Ah, the many paths and journies in life...

~ Danielle

[sometimes_miss]

Coming here does a couple of things. First, it reminds me I'm not alone in this, that the vast majority of you here do the same things I do to some extent. And that's very important. I also come here to vent, to pass along what I've learned about the whole CD/TV/TG/TS phenomenon, hopefully so someone else will not have to spend what, 40 years learning what I have, and waste much of their life doing so; If I had know everything at the age of 15 that I do now, oh, how my life would have changed for the better. It might not have been great, but so much misery would have been avoided. And I hope that by reading my bio and what I've gone through will prevent all that pain for at least one person. If I manage that, I've accomplished what I want to by being here and spending all this time writing down my thoughts.

[Presh GG]

If I may please ask a question of all of you who found your femm side later, or anyone else who wants to answer.

Did you find youself angry at ... whatever... and not know why ? Just angry or sad or "not quite right" but just not understand what it was that was missing or makeing you that way ?

Thank you
Presh GG

P.S
If this is thread stealing, please just a note at the end of your response to Vanessa.


i

[Josephine]

If I may please ask a question of all of you who found your femm side later, or anyone else who wants to answer.

Did you find youself angry at ... whatever... and not know why ? Just angry or sad or "not quite right" but just not understand what it was that was missing or makeing you that way ?

Thank you
Presh GG

P.S
If this is thread stealing, please just a note at the end of your response to Vanessa.


i

I used to get angry at myself. Perhaps that was the worst part, having to lie about the real me, and it bothered me to no end. It would make me angry at myself for not being "normal", and it would unintentionally affect others. Now that I am more open about my dressing, life seems so much better, and I do not let things bother me anymore.

[Pamela Kay]

I am 48 and have tried on different womens clothing items since I was 6 or 7 but didn't really know why I found them so facinating. I only knew that I felt afraid and ashamed when I did, which made the times between quite long, that . I have changed slowly the older I have become, started wearing mens bikini no-fly's in high school, shaved my body a few times while still in high school, have shaved it all for years now, started wearing panties this summer and enjoyed it so much that I wanted to try more again. Now I have about 3 outfits and am still wanting to go further. I have been stressed and somewhat depressed for years and none of the doctors prescriptions or prayer have seemed to keep it from getting progressively worse. When I started dressing it seemed to help but when I saw myself in total girl mode with wig, hose, boots, and dress that I felt completely at peace. This has made me reevaluate my gender and sexual orientation as well. I am still learning about myself and trying to find the real me, I have my first appointment with a gender therapist tomorrow.

Like others have said it would have saved a lot of pain if I had found this out when I was younger. It is a continuing journey in which we never stop learning and growing which is the story of life, CD or not. This site has been a source of information and support to me which words cannot describe. I can only say thanks to all of you and hope I can help someone else too.

[Suzy Parker]

Two Words: Acceptance and Understanding. I am no longer going this alone. I have crossdressed since as long as I can remember, 40+ years of joy and sorrow, and being able to open up and share here is the first step on my way to coming out of the closet. My counselour was great but she bagan to sound like a broken record and with not many other clients with similar issues she really did not truly understand. Still, it was nice to finally unload to someone after so many years, and someone bound to confidentiality. Even with that it took over a year before I could tell her "I Like to Wear Womens Clothing". In here there is of course some anonyminity as well but it sure feels good to find people with similar interests and talk about them.

Good Luck

Suzy 2

[gabimartini]

I'm in my late 30s, but have been doing this since childhood, does that qualify as "later in life"? I certainly feel I have wasted a lot of valuable time trying to fight off my transgenderism, instead of embracing it.

For most of these years I lived in confusion and fear. I didn't fully understand what I was, but was convinced I was a total freak, for being transgendered. I feared being outed, though back then I didn't fully dress. I futilely tried to shun my CDing and got frustrated when the urges returned.

To make a long story short, at one point I decided to educate myself about transgenderism. I found and read articles, papers and theses about the psychology of gender theory. Hungry for more, I eventually got to this site. It proved to be quite a resource. More than scientific gobbledeegook, I started to understand that I wasn't alone. Many people, real people, shared had the same questions and issues I did. I saw that being transgendered didn't make me a freak; it make me special. Whilst sharing my issues and reading about those of others, I started to see the light that led me to self-acceptance. That is the greatest gift I have earned from my interactions on this site. So, not only have I been able to move forward, but also take my life to new heights!

[Maria 60]

I am 48 yrs old and been on this site for about a year. Before when i would search crossdressing all i would find was dating or pictures of crossdressers with everything hanging out. When i came across this site i read a few threads and realized that it was a serious site and a lot of the threads had a lot in common with my life. I never chatted or ever joined anything on the computer but for some reason i joined within minute's of reading a few threads. This site is very special to me because it is the first time i spoke and expressed myself as Maria. I stared to ask questions and couldn't believe how like a family everyone was willing to help and give advice. I then realized that everyone here has there own reason to crossdress, and like a fingerprint not one of us the same, but we all have the same struggles. After i realized that there are thousands of us with almost the same problems i started feeling more confident and not as guilty and so hard on myself. Since joining i am still in the closet but now more complete wigs,make-up and shaved most of my body hair. This site has made me a more confident man and a more complete women with all the advice and help from everyone here that i call my friends.