Shes not so accepting after all.

[Cindy.]

So, we had the crying wife talk last night. As it turns out, she hasn't really accepted me dressing. For the past 3 years she's been trying to accept it. And, she finally decided that she couldn't do it. She asked me to start looking for an apartment. I said no. She feels like she's holding me back from being who I truly am. I disagree. The last statement this morning was "we'll just have to work through it". Before that there was "You need to move out", "I'll get counseling to accept it", I'll get counseling to quit", and "you can ignore it and I'll hide it". Soooo, unsure of what to do.

[AllieSF]

I say go for the counseling to get her real concerns on the table in a way that you can understand and to maybe help with the communication between you two. I know that it must be frustrating and difficult for you, but if the relationship is worth it to you, extra work is needed by both parties. By improving the communication process (i.e. being able to talk about a tough issue in an adult manner with bot sides keeping their cool) you will learn what bothers her and may be able to find a way to minimize that issue and concentrate on the good parts of your relationship. Good luck.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Sometimes in a relationship there are roadbumps, you both have to be willing to see if you can work things out. Counseling is a good start. Making rash promises is a bad start. You may both end up establishing boundries that will help you through thist time. Too many times people give up on relationships without trying. Examine yourself first, see if you have changed any patterens in your relationship with your spouse that are concerning for her. Too many times a crossdressing spouse becomes absorbed in the dressing and ingnores the relationship. You haven't posted much to allow good advice to be offered.

[DanaR]

Sometimes in a relationship there are roadbumps, you both have to be willing to see if you can work things out. Counseling is a good start. Making rash promises is a bad start. You may both end up establishing boundries that will help you through thist time. Too many times people give up on relationships without trying. Examine yourself first, see if you have changed any patterens in your relationship with your spouse that are concerning for her. Too many times a crossdressing spouse becomes absorbed in the dressing and ingnores the relationship. You haven't posted much to allow good advice to be offered.

But your advice was good never the less. I'll add, carefully think about and never say anything that you might regret later.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I say divorce her and be happy.

[Piora]

I say divorce her and be happy.

You know, this is not very helpful or supportive. You don't just 'throw away' a marriage for such selfish reasons. The OP is seeking serious help. Let's do what we can to offer constructive advice.

[giuseppina]

I say divorce her and be happy.

This is the wrong time for sarcastic humour. Your comment adds nothing, and in my view, it is destructive.

Cindy, most of the other posters have good ideas. Paulette, J'Lynn and Reine have sensible ideas to start with.

The only thing I can add is if your wife wants you to undergo testing for gender identity, even if it's for reassurance, it's a good idea to do it.

Good luck.

[Cindy.]

So, we've been talking openly about everything. We both agree that we will not split up. So I got that goin' for me. I also found out that she does love us shopping together. For some strange reason she likes it when we go to the clinique' counter together and I understand what people are saying instead of being a mindless, bored husband. We both agree that the D word is not an option, and we both understand that people don't stop crossdressing very often. And we're working on finding some common ground while trying to make it through Christmas with some sanity.

[Danni Renee]

This is one of my biggest fears with my SO. I hope you can work it out.

Danni

[Cindy.]

Thanks for all of the support. We're taking it one day at a time. At this point I'm backing off on dressing and she's Facing it head on, folding my panties and making me keep them in my drawer. We decided that the D word was not acceptable, and we've concluded that there's no other issues causing friction. Sooo, its going good, all things considering.

[*Vanessa*]

Well I'm not therapist but I'd say go buy a great pair of hose, a 50.00 bottle of fine wine and enjoy the house for a few hours. If it's all gone then no biggy. If there is arguing then share your wine, as it's probably over. Life goes on, might as well not sweat it. Right?

[Chubby cd]

Sorry bout your trouble,I have great girl in my life,concerned if tell her it would ruin everything.

[FurPus63]

I am a mental health counselor/therapist (cat's out of the bag!) and here's what I think. Marriage and individual therapy for both of you. The individual stuff will help you find what this is all about and how far you're really going to go with it. It also will help you to accept yourself more, build confidence in what you're doing is the right thing, and get the opinions of an objective observer. She too will be able to get all that for herself. The couples therapy will help you to learn communication skills to build the relationship and make it more honest. Whatever the long-term effects are; whether you stay together or break apart, you'll be better off because of the work done in therapy. Of course that's the opinion of someone who is a therapist. Not everyone likes it and hardly anyone sticks with it long enough to do any real good, but if you do, it can be very benneficial.

Paulette

[AnitaH]

I really can't add to what Paulette has said, she's the professional, but its good advice nonetheless. I hope things go well for you both.

AnitaH

[Marissa333]

I hope you two are able to get through this. I agree with the counseling advice. If for some reason it does not work out, we will be here to help you through it.

[KimberlyS]

I will agree with what Paulette says also. Counseling is a great tool to work through things within your self and to open communication within a relationship. But I will add that counseling only works if you are both open and honest and work on the issues. It will not work if one of you is not open, honest and working together.

[Missy]

Ok I promise to keep my big mean rude mouth shut and will not say anything ugly on the open form but if you think you can handle the true them PM me and I well let you have it no holding back no sugar coating.

[marlacd]

Sounds like my situation. Go with the counciling, before your wife refuses to go. Mine did, and now I'm free to do what I wish.

How you feel about being married, and being a CD, can be a very big issue in your life. What you decide to give up is a life changer. I'm firmly convinced, in my case, was that I was going to be so smothered by my wife wanting me to be a "manly man", that I would have no time to be me, at all. And not in a "time to crossdress" sense. She would monopolize my time, so badly that it would stop me from doing anything, except to cater to her. It took me quite a while to figure that one out. And, when I did, did I realize what I missed out on, in life. I haven't yet decided if I am so soured on women, that I don't want another one.
One good thing came out of my divorce. I can now decide what I want to do. I don't have to anwser to anyone, in my choices.
Good luck with your choice. I hope it's the right one for you.

[ReineD]

I'm with Paulette and Allie. See a counselor. She may not change her mind about this. But, for both your sakes, you and she need to know exactly what is bothering her. Did she grow up in a homophobic environment? Does she have a moral objection to it? Is she afraid of what others will think? Does she think you want to transition? If she can name her fears, then there is hope she can do something about them, or at least work out some compromises with you.

Or, are they more irrational fears stemming from insecurities and a lack of understanding of the CDing, such as feeling that you don't love her, you want men, she is not enough for you, or she feels abandoned by you? (I'm assuming here that you're not lost in a pink fog and that you don't spend the bulk of your free time on CDing activities or online). Or possibly she doesn't know how to conquer her fears and as she says, she feels you will be happier without her?

If she wants to, she can change just about all the fears and concerns, with your help: compromise and lots of communication, lots of reassurance, so that she can reach a deeper understanding of what all of this means. If her fears are rooted in religious beliefs they may be more difficult to overcome.

Or ... are there other issues in your marriage that need working on, and the CDing is the final straw? If there are, you'll need to work on those first before addressing the CDing.

Good luck!

Edit
It may seem cold to suggest that she should be the one to change and not you. But, I do believe the CDing is innate and it cannot be rid of. However, beliefs that are rooted in misinformation or insecurities can be changed. And ultimately, she more than you will be a happier person if she can get over her fears. My suggestions are more for her own peace of mind (if she loves you), than yours, although you too will benefit from it if she can get over the stumbling blocks.

I've experienced fear, anger, and resentment over situations I could not accept. And I am much happier when I can accept the situations that I cannot change, and let all those noxious feelings go.

[siantv2003]

As always, wise and considerate words from Reine .. and Paulette too.

[Rachel Morley]

But, for both your sakes, you and she need to know exactly what is bothering her. Did she grow up in a homophobic environment? Does she have a moral objection to it? Is she afraid of what others will think? Does she think you want to transition? If she can name her fears, then there is hope she can do something about them, or at least work out some compromises with you.

Or, are they more irrational fears stemming from insecurities and a lack of understanding of the CDing, such as feeling that you don't love her, you want men, she is not enough for you, or she feels abandoned by you?

Reine is once again a light in the darkness. All the things she listed is what my wife told me a lot of women have concerns about regarding CDing. It's great that you seem to have made some progress already but you have to get to the bottom of what she really has an issue with (even with my wife in the beginning needed to be reassured - on a regular basis - that I would not be transitioning) .. it's apparently the fear of where things might lead, you know, once you start you can't stop, or the genie once out of her bottle has no boundaries. Anyway, keep on doing what you're doing and open your heart to her, bare your soul, and always listen carefully and understand what she is saying. There is a way forward. Good luck.

[Marleena]

Interesting, Paulette is a therapist? The posts leading up to it would never seem that way. Ah well.. Good advice anyways, and good luck!

[J'lyn GG]

Please remember that those with the 'leave her in the dust attitude' are NO LONGER MARRIED (or never have been). If that is what you want, then by all means, listen to them.

[Jonianne]

....The last statement this morning was "we'll just have to work through it"....

Build on this statement with her.

Tell her that you do want to work this out with her. Go to counseling, be willing to respect her boundries and abide by reasonable worked out groundrules. If she is truly the love of your life, let her know you will do whatever it takes, without losing your own sense of self, to get to a healthy relationship.

[Jessica86]

You see, this is the thing I don't understand. I would hope every cd would be open with their so, but it's a two way street. They also need to be open with them as well when asked if they accept it or not. My guess, there is something else. Its not the dressing. You don't just "like" something then hate it. Same goes with relationships too. I will never understand how someone can love someone, then just stop. I'm willing to bet it is something else, and the dressing is being used as ammo. Seems she wants out and is searching for a reason. Therapy will explore that, and I am betting the real problem will surface at a later date. Just hang in there.