Shes not so accepting after all.

[Piora]

I say divorce her and be happy.

You know, this is not very helpful or supportive. You don't just 'throw away' a marriage for such selfish reasons. The OP is seeking serious help. Let's do what we can to offer constructive advice.

[giuseppina]

I say divorce her and be happy.

This is the wrong time for sarcastic humour. Your comment adds nothing, and in my view, it is destructive.

Cindy, most of the other posters have good ideas. Paulette, J'Lynn and Reine have sensible ideas to start with.

The only thing I can add is if your wife wants you to undergo testing for gender identity, even if it's for reassurance, it's a good idea to do it.

Good luck.

[Cindy.]

Thanks for all of the support. We're taking it one day at a time. At this point I'm backing off on dressing and she's Facing it head on, folding my panties and making me keep them in my drawer. We decided that the D word was not acceptable, and we've concluded that there's no other issues causing friction. Sooo, its going good, all things considering.

[Chubby cd]

Sorry bout your trouble,I have great girl in my life,concerned if tell her it would ruin everything.

[sometimes_miss]

So, we had the crying wife talk last night. As it turns out, she hasn't really accepted me dressing. For the past 3 years she's been trying to accept it. And, she finally decided that she couldn't do it. She asked me to start looking for an apartment. I said no. She feels like she's holding me back from being who I truly am. I disagree. The last statement this morning was "we'll just have to work through it". Before that there was "You need to move out", "I'll get counseling to accept it", I'll get counseling to quit", and "you can ignore it and I'll hide it". Soooo, unsure of what to do.

This echoes my situation about 16 years ago. Get ready for the worst. At this moment, right now, she's at least sympathetic. But that can rapidly change to anger, and then the locks can get changed, and you get presented with divorce papers at work all on the same day. Don't keep your head in the sand about this. If she's been trying to accept it for three years, and wound up in tears about it and told you she can't accept it, then that's most likely the way it's going to go (because that's the exact time frame it happened to me!).
I repeat, BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST. Hoping for a happy ending won't make it happen. Discussing things on these forums where everything is kept 'nice' to make us feel good about ourselves does not change the outside world! If she brings this to any of her friends, co-workers, relatives, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE SUPPORTED! Most likely they will tell her she's right and you are a lying freak and that she should get everything she can from you! Even many if not all of your friends will turn on you when they find out you are a crossdresser! Including your relatives! And if you're in the 'bible belt', someone may even decide to 'get religious' on your ass! If she has male siblings and they find out, you may even be in physical danger!
She's already decided that: "She feels like she's holding me back from being who I truly am."
That states that you're not being who you really are, and that you're not the person she thought she married.
Good luck. You're going to need it. Get your financial affairs in order, and make sure you have some type of back up when she closes your joint bank accounts and you're assets are gone.
Angry wives who think you've deceived them can and will to horrible, horrible things. Whether they regret them later won't help you when it happens.
Consider this, as you can wake up tomorrow with this scenario:
Credit cards cancelled; she can easily report them all stolen.
Bank accounts emptied.
Locks changed on your house and restraining order in place to keep you away from your own home and her.
You outed to your coworkers, friends and family.
The only male clothes you have are the ones on your back.
All your other belongings put in storage 'for safe keeping' until she can get a receipt for all of it. Of course, until you go through the lawyers, you have nothing but the shirt on your back! That can take days or even weeks.
Your car taken after being reported stolen (by her or a friend of hers).
All this she can accomplish without you're knowing what's going on until all the crap hits the fan on the same day. Then, you're toast.
People who support her, as well as her lawyer, may suggest all the above to delay or prevent you from mounting any defense to her plans to acquire as much of your assets as she can. If she feels 'wronged' in any way, that's how it will be played out.

I believe the correct saying is, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. Don't forget that. In her eyes, she feels rejected in favor of the woman, in her eyes, you've decided to become.

[lynnhaven]

Im really very sorry you are going through this, Im not too sure if she hasnt accepted it by now if she ever will. I could be way off base but thats what I see around me with my friends.
Do what your heart tells you because in the end were left with ourselves and our choices. I was in a miserable marriage for 14 years because he was so alpha male and I wanted something different, I finally had to walk away because I was so miserable and could never be myself.
You will be in my thoughts!

[Cindy.]

So, we've been talking openly about everything. We both agree that we will not split up. So I got that goin' for me. I also found out that she does love us shopping together. For some strange reason she likes it when we go to the clinique' counter together and I understand what people are saying instead of being a mindless, bored husband. We both agree that the D word is not an option, and we both understand that people don't stop crossdressing very often. And we're working on finding some common ground while trying to make it through Christmas with some sanity.

[SweetPea_GG]

Sounds like you both are making some nice progress. I am glad things are looking better for you.

[angpai30]

I really have no room to speak as i am recently divorced. My ex told me that she felt like there was another woman in the house and felt like i was having an affair with my dressing because i would stay up and dress. i learned some valuable lessons the hard way and the pain was unbearable. Value cannot be taken only given and those who feel their value has gone down ultimately make the decision to resign. I told my ex before we got married and we married 2 months later. We divorced because she believed that marriage would "fix" me. Recently she discovered that fixing a person is impossible, but sticking by someone through the difficult times is far more rewarding than calling it quits like she did. We both need to improve our understanding of things. To many times i have read and felt that many on this board blame the woman for not understanding or being open to the idea, but what we need to remember is that "strength" comes in our times of difficulty and rough patches in our relationships. Take your time and dont be irrational and leave her on the curbside where its cold, dark and dreary. Be the sweetheart that you are and give her a giant big girl kiss and hug and apoligize for the pain caused. She is feeling like you dont understand her feelings and need as a woman. In fact there is a post on this very subject, which having her read would comfort or confirm her fears but we would be here to help. especially the fantabulous f.a.b.s.!!! SMILE girlfriend. =)

Kristen~~

[Rachel Morley]

But, for both your sakes, you and she need to know exactly what is bothering her. Did she grow up in a homophobic environment? Does she have a moral objection to it? Is she afraid of what others will think? Does she think you want to transition? If she can name her fears, then there is hope she can do something about them, or at least work out some compromises with you.

Or, are they more irrational fears stemming from insecurities and a lack of understanding of the CDing, such as feeling that you don't love her, you want men, she is not enough for you, or she feels abandoned by you?

Reine is once again a light in the darkness. All the things she listed is what my wife told me a lot of women have concerns about regarding CDing. It's great that you seem to have made some progress already but you have to get to the bottom of what she really has an issue with (even with my wife in the beginning needed to be reassured - on a regular basis - that I would not be transitioning) .. it's apparently the fear of where things might lead, you know, once you start you can't stop, or the genie once out of her bottle has no boundaries. Anyway, keep on doing what you're doing and open your heart to her, bare your soul, and always listen carefully and understand what she is saying. There is a way forward. Good luck.

[Samantha_Smile]

So, we had the crying wife talk last night. As it turns out, she hasn't really accepted me dressing. For the past 3 years she's been trying to accept it. And, she finally decided that she couldn't do it. She asked me to start looking for an apartment. I said no. She feels like she's holding me back from being who I truly am. I disagree. The last statement this morning was "we'll just have to work through it". Before that there was "You need to move out", "I'll get counseling to accept it", I'll get counseling to quit", and "you can ignore it and I'll hide it". Soooo, unsure of what to do.

Me and mine have recently been in a patch of DADT. Wasnt great. She wasnt 100% comfy with it, we both disguised this with just not talking about it.
It doesnt work.
I know, because we too recently had a weepy conversation, we both knew we couldnt go on not talking about it, hiding it, almost like the lie that was before she ever knew I dressed.
But we reconciled that if there was to be any real future for us, we had to learn to make it a topic we could talk about over our evening meal.
Not have to change channel whenever the topic came up on TV no matter how supportive it's standpoint on the matter. (UK- Corronation Street, My Transexual Summer)

Things are better now, new boundaries were drawn up and were both happier for it.
Separation is not the only way through this, but the other ways are harder.
I wish you happiness

I say divorce her and be happy.

I hope that was sarcasm (which you should by now know DOESNT work in text format), otherwise you may just be the worst example of a human on this forum

[DebbieL]

One thing you should do is find a couples counselor who also has gender counseling experience.

There may a number of different options available, and you may need to decide what are the issues for BOTH of you.
If she has been deceptive the whole time, then there may be some serious guilt, which gets turned into blame.
If possible, you can let her know that realize how hard it must have been for her to deal with this.
You can let her know that you wish you had told her much sooner.
You can also let her know that you still love her and want her to be happy.

You might also ask her what she would like to have with you.
Is there a common framework you could agree to.
If she doesn't want you going out, would she like to make love to Cindy?
If she doesn't want the sex with Cindy, then could Cindy go to a hotel and go dancing and things on her own?
Maybe you and your wife should go to a hotel for week-end every month, where you can go shopping, have fun, make love, watch romances...

You should also talk to the councilor and work with him to determine where you really want to go.
If you could have anything you wanted, and knew that you would have a loving partner who was at least as wonderful as your wife, would you want to be; A boy? A girl? A transsexual?
If you want to continue to be a boy, do you want to just make love? Just go shopping together? Just go out for dinner together?

And how often would you like to do it?

You might consider doing the Landmark Forum as well. I know it made a huge difference in my life.

[ReineD]

I hope that was sarcasm (which you should by now know DOESNT work in text format), otherwise you may just be the worst example of a human on this forum

Bravo, Smile! I've been looking for a way to explain this in ten words or less, and you've done it: Sarcasm doesn't work in text format. Brilliant!