It's beginning to look like tell her while dating or stay single..

[Marleena]

In the short time I've been here I've seen many posts where CDers take too long to tell their SO's about their dressing. Most times it causes huge problems. Getting married won't cure it, and either will denying who you are.

I've also seen married CDers having limits put on them, and their SO's struggling with their CDing, or not allowing it. Or SO's changing their minds at some point.

The only thing that makes sense is to always tell your SO before things get too serious or stay single. I think somebody needs to make a handbook for us.

[sicmik]

If CDs get a handbook I want one for the SOs! Someone needs to get on this.. stat!

[Marleena]

If CDs get a handbook I want one for the SOs! Someone needs to get on this.. stat!

That is so true too! Good point!

[DanaR]

A handbook would in a state of revision, constantly.

[Marleena]

A handbook would in a state of revision, constantly.

That's so true too.

[Pamela Kay]

I look at this site like it is the handbook, you can access the knowledge and resources of those with experience in what you are dealing with. Usually all you have to do is ask, so it's kind of like a living manual. I'd rather have experience than what's in a book any day.

[Marleena]

Pam, this site is great but some people find it too late. They need a test for us at an early age, and a handbook, or links to this site.

[Cynthia Anne]

I agree the sooner you tell your story, the better chance of making a relationship work! The trouble with a handbook it would be based on someones opinion rather right or wrong! Hugs!

[KellyJameson]

How about this....

I will not have sex with others if you let me where heels
I will not give you STD's from having sex with others if you let me wear skirts
I will not get drunk and beat you into a pulp if you let me wear blouses
I will get up and go to work even when I do not want to for the next forty years of my life if you let me wear nylons
I will practice personal hygiene so your legs are not raked by my overgrown toe nails after love making, Kiss you with a mouth that has never known the feel of a toothbrush or floss or in general offend you with sights and smells that would make a pig vomit if you allow me to wear breast forms,bra & panties.
I will change poopy diapers, sit up all night with sick children and never destroy their futures by using them for sex if you allow me to enjoy the company of other crossdressers.

Nothing teaches a person how good they really have it until they don't but by than it is to late.
What a stupid thing to not love someone because of how they dress.

[Pamela Kay]

That's the problem with a book, you can't make it specific enough to address every possible situation. You would have to make it pretty general or you would never finish it. It would probably be a constant work in progress either way.

[Marleena]

Great post Kelly!

"What a stupid thing to not love someone because of how they dress. " Agreed!!

[Badtranny]

Great post Kelly! "What a stupid thing to not love someone because of how they dress. " Agreed!!

The problem isn't the cross dressing girls. It's what it represents. For whatever reason, CDrs get a real kick out of dressing in women's clothes. Cross dressing is the symptom of something much larger. Maybe it's different for everyone, but it's absolutely there, to deny that is to reduce a formidable part of your being to "just clothes"

So why do you cross dress? It ain't the comfort, or the feel, or the fit, or the colors or the yadda yadda. Why do YOU do it? There are people on here who readily admit that it makes them sexually aroused. So if that's why you do it, then be honest with yourself and your partner. There are people that admit that it helps them deal with feelings of gender confusion. Is that you? Be honest with yourself if it is. Some people just like playing dress up and F'ing with peoples heads. Is that why YOU do it? Can you take it or leave it? Really? Talk about it with your partner. Be honest about what you know and what you don't know, dig deep. This whole silliness about just being more comfortable is just another cloaking device. There is a limitless supply of clothes and designers that make very feminine or silky or satiny or even lacy clothes for men. It ain't comfort miss thang, let's be real.

I'm willing to concede that it may be different for EVERY cross dresser. So, what is it for you? Your partner deserves to know the truth and if you don't know it, then find it together. I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't want to talk things through and get to the truth.

[Vickie_CDTV]

At the risk of sounding unromantic and rather sterile, when it comes right down to it, marriage is a contract.

One who enters into any contract has a right to know all of the terms of the contract. Marriage is no different, and the SO has a right to know beforehand and decide if they want to enter into the contract knowing all of the 'terms'.

[Marleena]

I can only speak for myself. I told the wife, I never hid it. I NEED to do it. It relaxes me, it makes me happy. Beyond that I have no idea why, it won't go away. She accepts it to a point, she does not want to see me dressed up. She will buy me things, and I don't go out of the house dressed.

Cders tend to hide it, or hope it will go away. Quite often telling an SO will cause distress in the relationship or marriage even if you are truthful. It still can lead to divorce.

My point is tell your SO, ASAP.

[PretzelGirl]

I will not have sex with others if you let me where heels
I will not give you STD's from having sex with others if you let me wear skirts
I will not get drunk and beat you into a pulp if you let me wear blouses
I will get up and go to work even when I do not want to for the next forty years of my life if you let me wear nylons
I will practice personal hygiene so your legs are not raked by my overgrown toe nails after love making, Kiss you with a mouth that has never known the feel of a toothbrush or floss or in general offend you with sights and smells that would make a pig vomit if you allow me to wear breast forms,bra & panties.
I will change poopy diapers, sit up all night with sick children and never destroy their futures by using them for sex if you allow me to enjoy the company of other crossdressers.

I am going to have to disagree with this being a good approach. If you have to compare yourself to negative possibilities (cheaters, beaters, etc), then you have lost the battle. I hope I have more to offer my wife then "Well, yes I am a crossdresser, but I could be cheating on you and passing you STDs. So you really have it good!".

[Piora]

The problem isn't the cross dressing girls. It's what it represents. For whatever reason, CDrs get a real kick out of dressing in women's clothes. Cross dressing is the symptom of something much larger. Maybe it's different for everyone, but it's absolutely there, to deny that is to reduce a formidable part of your being to "just clothes"

Well, if it's something larger, then I have no clue what it might be. I don't disagree with your thinking necessarily, and it seems logical to be sure, but I have no issues or problems either psychological or anything else.

So why do you cross dress? It ain't the comfort, or the feel, or the fit, or the colors or the yadda yadda.

I'm sorry, but you're wrong. It most certainly is the comfort; it is the feel; it is the fit AND the colours....it's all of those things....and many more. It feels so amazing, I cannot put into words how absolutely wonderful it feels.

Why do YOU do it? There are people on here who readily admit that it makes them sexually aroused. So if that's why you do it, then be honest with yourself and your partner.

I used to do it for just that reason, and that reason alone. A few months ago, that all changed for me. I then started to do two things: I started dressing fully (shoes, skirt, tops wig) which was something I had never done in the 34 years I had been dressing.....and I stopped feeling sexually aroused when I did so. I cannot explain the sudden change, I just know how I feel and what I like to do now. I should also mention that, at present, I have no partner. But should I find someone, I think that I will need to tell them before things go too far along. If they accept it, then they are right for me. If they don't..... well, then it was not to be. This is who I am, and that's just all there is to it.

There are people that admit that it helps them deal with feelings of gender confusion. Is that you?

Nope. I have no feelings of gender confusion. I don't want to become a woman, I don't want to live as a woman, I am a man who occasionally likes to dress as a woman for pleasure (NOT sexual) and that's just who I am.

Be honest with yourself if it is. Some people just like playing dress up and F'ing with peoples heads. Is that why YOU do it?

Sorry, but why would anyone do that? Not saying it's impossible, but I can't understand why that would be the only reason that somebody would dress.

Can you take it or leave it? Really? Talk about it with your partner. Be honest about what you know and what you don't know, dig deep. This whole silliness about just being more comfortable is just another cloaking device. There is a limitless supply of clothes and designers that make very feminine or silky or satiny or even lacy clothes for men. It ain't comfort miss thang, let's be real.

You know, I've heard this nonsense before on other threads. I'm sorry - I don't mean to be rude, but you obviously just don't understand.

I am NOT interested in wearing something that is LIKE what a woman would wear - but is made for a man. It HAS to be clothing that's actually made for WOMEN! I don't know how to explain it any better to you. This is why it's called "crossdressing"!!

I'm willing to concede that it may be different for EVERY cross dresser. So, what is it for you? Your partner deserves to know the truth and if you don't know it, then find it together. I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't want to talk things through and get to the truth.

Well, here we agree. You are absolutely 100% correct. A partner does need to know, and it is grossly unfair to both, if they don't discuss things calmly and rationally.

[tiffanyjo89]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I will add this:

If you don't let your SO know before you get married/involved in a long term relationship, then you are opening up to the traditional firestorm from the SO. This is because of a couple things. First of all, your partner will not appreciate having been "lied to" by you hiding this from them. Also, there is the fact that women sometimes have the self esteem issue (no matter how confident they are) from thinking that their man could possibly look better dressed than them and/or worried that they aren't being "woman enough" and their man creating another woman for his pleasure.

If you, while in the first couple months of the relationship, feel like the relationship will carry on long term, share the "secret" with your SO, they have the comfort that you feel safe enough in them to trust them with it, and you won't be breaking the news after you have been married for any amount of time. It also allows them to be able to digest it while you two are dating and allows them to know that you care about them and that they can trust you to tell them other issues.

I am 22, never been in a relationship, and am attracted to women and want to have a family of my own some day...
I wear panties exclusively now (occasionally a thong) and sometimes tights/hose under my jeans. I have a pair of women's stretch jeans that I wear occasionally, and no one has commented on them being any tighter/more feminine than my normal jeans. I also (now that winter is upon us) am probably gonna invest in the time to shave my legs and keep them shaved to see how it feels to have them shaved everyday. That being said, I know that a relationship does involve some compromise, and these are perhaps the furthest I'll go on a permanent/semi-permanent basis.

[Contessa]

Ok! I'll be starting on a book very soon. But I will want get all you girls input. Maybe I can use some of your posts/or replies. Remember not everybody knows everything about everything. I didn't tell my wife until about five or six months ago. We have been married for 38 years, though she says she probably would not have married me if I had told her then. I was not thinking of it at the time cause I was not doing it at the time. Women are ashamed to be married to somebody they don't think they know. Especially after 38 years. I am sorry I did not think of it. If I don't tell her and she catches me then that was even worse. Telling someone like your therapist(a woman) is not easy either. But when I did tell her she understood that yeah there had to be something else going on for you to get where you are.

So I will write the book and market it and publish it on the net. A paper back version so it won't be expensive. I hope to have a chapter or two done by the beginning of the year. Maybe I need a proofreader. Any offers to help or assist me(smile). My wife will come around she a pretty smart cookie. Fight for the power to say you can't wear that is well weird. Cause what about all the times I did it when you(she) was sleep.

Tess

[docrobbysherry]

All males and females will come with Operating Manuals!

If my ex had come with an OP, I most likely wouldn't be divorced!

On the other hand, if she had, I probably never would have been married!

[Badtranny]

I'm sorry, but you're wrong. It most certainly is the comfort; it is the feel; it is the fit AND the colours....it's all of those things....and many more. It feels so amazing, I cannot put into words how absolutely wonderful it feels

I am NOT interested in wearing something that is LIKE what a woman would wear - but is made for a man. It HAS to be clothing that's actually made for WOMEN! I don't know how to explain it any better to you. This is why it's called "crossdressing"!!

So which is it?

You can't say "they're just more comfortable" when women know that's not true. Clothes are clothes. and then in the same breath say they MUST be women's clothes. You know for a fact that there are men's clothes that are every bit as comfortable but you admit that you don't care because they're not made for women. So you just forfeited your "comfort" argument.

Look Piora, I'm not judging you for whatever reason you cross dress. It makes no difference to me, I think everyone should be free to let their freak flag fly. I just believe that we do everyone in the TG community a disservice if we're not honest with ourselves and those in our lives. Women aren't stupid, they know when smoke is being blown up their skirt and they don't appreciate it.

Respect has to start with ourselves, that's why they call it self respect.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I do agree that the partner needs to know, but does the partner know all of your bad habits before deciding to live or marry? Should we make a list out of
1) burp too loud after a beer
2) Slop down a meal too fast
3)Never picks anything up off the floor
4) Summer I sweat and smell
5) Like to spend testosterone filled times with the mates after which I arrive home drunk
6) Spends a lot of my time dressing in female clothes
7) Spends a lot of time in Forums
8) Scratches crotch a lot
etc
Maybe we start complicating the innateness of being male and conforming to a female partner who now shares our lives.
I do agree though some things like dressing should be talked about, so too is pulling the motorbike apart in the bedroom and washing the parts in the kitchen sink. Hey, one has to do maintenance to keep a machine looking and sounding beautiful like the mech god wanted.

[Piora]

So which is it?

You can't say "they're just more comfortable" when women know that's not true. Clothes are clothes. and then in the same breath say they MUST be women's clothes. You know for a fact that there are men's clothes that are every bit as comfortable but you admit that you don't care because they're not made for women. So you just forfeited your "comfort" argument.

No, I haven't. Read what I said.

I said:

It most certainly is the comfort; it is the feel; it is the fit AND the colours....it's all of those things....and many more

So, not just 'comfort' - although I do find most women's clothing comfortable....just as I find men's clothing comfortable. But I can't say I'm particularly THRILLED by men's clothing. Women's, on the other hand....

Look Piora, I'm not judging you for whatever reason you cross dress.

You just told me that you cannot understand why someone wouldn't just wear clothes that were comfortable regardless of whether they are made for men or women. And I'm telling you that you seem to be missing the whole point of crossdressing.

What I'm saying is yes...you're right. There is men's clothing that is made to look and feel like women's. Yes, both are comfortable, But, what, therefore, would be the POINT of crossdressing if you're wearing MEN'S clothes, essentially? I'll say it again...it's called CROSSDRESSING for a reason. I really don't understand why you can't see the difference. But, without rehashing it over and over again..... we can simply agree to disagree.

It makes no difference to me, I think everyone should be free to let their freak flag fly. I just believe that we do everyone in the TG community a disservice if we're not honest with ourselves and those in our lives. Women aren't stupid, they know when smoke is being blown up their skirt and they don't appreciate it.

Er....and you're telling me this....why? You're preaching to the choir. I already said in my previous post:

Well, here we agree. You are absolutely 100% correct. A partner does need to know, and it is grossly unfair to both, if they don't discuss things calmly and rationally.

[angpai30]

Ladies, settle down now!! We wear women's clothing for many different reasons. I started at the age of 5 because when I was in school I noticed that the girls always had more friends. I was a lonely sap and wanted friends and I thought that by being a girl I would have more friends. I eventually over the years became accustomed to women's clothing and love it so much more than men's clothing, especially, dresses. I am into swing style dresses and I love how they feel when you twirl in them, the look, the feel, the prettiness, cuteness and adaptability and splendor of wearing a fabulous dress which is so very cute and pretty and I have always been envious of those girls who were able to wear them when I was younger, but men's clothes have never really had an appeal to me. A lot of men's clothes even though they are made for "comfort" do not provide the same level of comfort and security as feminine clothes do. The feeling of being feminine and feeling so grand when you look at yourself in the mirror. Tell me when the last time you saw much variety in men's clothes? I work in retail and all the men I see come in are pretty much dressed the same except for those few who try to switch things up a bit. Men's clothes don't make you feel pretty in fact a lot of the time when I wear men's clothes I feel like a slob. And then BAM I'm no longer a slob and I feel better about myself even though I don't find myself cutsie, cutsie like a real girl; I do find that I have better habits, I take care of myself better; different mindsets, same body.

Kristen~~

[ashlylynn]

How about this....

... and never destroy their futures by using them for sex if you ...

I'd omit that, but ...

...I will practice personal hygiene so your legs are not raked by my overgrown toe nails after love making, Kiss you with a mouth that has never known the feel of a toothbrush or floss or in general offend you with sights and smells that would make a pig vomit if you allow me to wear breast forms,bra & panties....

...THAT sounds like a winner!

[Marleena]

@Piora, it's best to ignore Badtranny. She is not a CDer, she thinks that crossdressers are freaks, and make a bad name for TG's. I've seen that in a few of her posts lately.

This post is about telling SO's about us. It's not about why we crossdress, there is no simple answer since everybody is different.