[SIZE="2"]“Melancholy – at the bottom of everything…forever” (title of an art exhibition)
Since I’ve been an active participant on crossdressing forums (like this one), I keep coming in contact with individuals who have experienced depression. I’ll meet somebody, and sooner or later I will learn that the other person is either dealing with depression, has dealt with depression, or is feeling the onslaught of another bout with depression. There is depression in the family, in the past, on the horizon, or firmly entrenched in one’s psychological make-up, and, I assume, its presence needs to be mentioned, if I am to understand the person thoroughly...
After the umpteenth encounter with a MtF crossdresser who suffers (or who has suffered) from depression, I began to wonder about a possible connection between the need to crossdress and depression – is there something there? The question is not “Are you now, or have you ever been, depressed?” That may be redundant, or unnecessary, under the circumstances. The question IS do you think there is a greater likelihood for crossdressing to emerge amidst a background where depression is extant to some degree? In other words, are depression and crossdressing linked in some inexplicable way – is it more likely that crossdressers have a “relationship” with depression, as opposed to non-crossdressers? I wonder...
Let’s assume that you have suffered from depression at some point in your life – was your depression caused by gender confusion, or the lack of expression you so desperately needed to achieve? Does your crossdressing somehow alleviate or side-step depression, or does it cause or exacerbate depression by its effect on you, or on those around you? Perhaps guilt and/or shame about one’s need to crossdress is a problem, leading to that feeling of “self-loathing” I have seen discussed around these parts lately. Many questions, I know, but depression, either painfully evident or just under the surface one maintains (at high cost), may be part and parcel of a CD/TG lifestyle...
I’m just asking, for the purposes of discussion, and it may already be evident to those reading these questioning paragraphs that the author does not suffer from depression, at least clinical or “major” depression by definition. My sister and I were talking about this just last night – for some reason, we cannot define ourselves as depressive, even though our family, like most families, has been touched by depression. Of course, you must realize that depression was not on everyone’s mind (pun unintended), nor was it mentioned or appreciated, when I was growing up. Nowadays you can’t get through a day without encountering some reference to depression or its treatment, so people today are more likely to disclose their own bouts with depression in mixed company...
I have an ex-girlfriend who deals with melancholia, and she always told me that it “runs in the family.” She represents my contact with the wonderful world of depression, in fact I haven’t heard from her in over a year – she will drop out of my life, only to re-appear and try to explain where she’s been. Key word: depression. Her enthusiasm for life comes and goes, but she sees me as a kind of constant. Her melancholia is familial and not circumstantial, but she is artistic, and thus concerned with expression. Since I am very much on the outside, I can only speculate about depression in a peripheral way. I cannot say that depression is gender-related, and thus connected to crossdressing in that way, but I see it more as the unwanted “partner” of expression, itself a characteristic of turbulent minds. How does this fit in with my grandmother, who, as far as I know, suffered from depression? I’m tempted to say that females can feel imprisoned by their “roles,” leading to depression, but what do I know? Ditto males, I suppose...
I’m just wondering if crossdressers (MtF or otherwise) are more or less likely to be familiar with depression. According to a recent U.S. survey, nine percent of adults surveyed met the criteria for “current” depression, and 3.4 percent met the criteria for “major” depression. Judging by the number of people I meet on this site who TELL me about their depression, I would surmise that the figures are higher for crossdressers. Perhaps we’re just more open with our feelings, or happy (how’s that for a conundrum?) about being here, so we tell all to the kindred spirits we meet. It can be a blessing or a curse to be a crossdresser, but, for many, depression is woven into the fabric of our gender-confused lives. The very fact that I am NOT female is a constant reminder that all is not well, and it’s not going to get any better. Life as tragedy. Rinse and repeat. Despite this, I get up in the morning (well, late afternoon is more like it), make my way past the black curtains that cover my windows, and navigate the numerous shadows that inhabit my dark world. For me, crossdressing does provide some much-needed light, color, happiness, and... dare I say...enthusiasm...
I mean, maybe I’m more depressed than I let on. I maintain a certain social isolation, I spend a lot of my time alone, and I cry for no reason now and then. Plenty of people have told me that I’m not “good enough,” which has caused me to shut out more of the world year after year. I mean, I have a lot to be depressed about, but I haven’t lost any enthusiasm for life, or crossdressing, even though I’m contemplating the entrance to a LONG dark tunnel. I don’t know what keeps me going, but I still believe in myself. Needless to say, being able to communicate with other MtF crossdressers (some of them very much like me), and write these essentially pointless essays, has been useful, to say the least. True sufferers of depression would laugh at me, as well they should, but that’s OK – I’m used to it...
Do you think there may be a connection between crossdressing and depression? I apologize for this depressing, somewhat discursive, subject...
“Depression: A scary enough place to visit and I hate having to live there.” (from the Urban Dictionary)[/SIZE]
Thank u, Freddie!
Originally Posted by Shari
