I recently came out to my wife and I have been living a shit storm for about 2 weeks. Divorce is a definate possibiltity. I am just wondering if she is threatened by my feminine side. My wife has not bought a skirt or dress for over 10 years and never wears heels. Does my wanting to wear heels and dress make her uncomfortable.
Maybe. I can't say I one of the lucky ones. I have one why even helps. You may need to backoff some hun
Angie
Its hard to say how your wife feels. Betrayed may be a guess. She may feel you are not the "Man" she married. She may even feel that you may be "Gay" or no longer interested in her as a female. The only one who can answer the questions is her, and she may or may not be willing to. Sometimes it takes time, and sometimes even the marriage can be over. It is something for you and her to decide where you go from here. Good luck and best wishes to both of you.
I think something similar was posted about how some thought their wives might be "jealous" of them.. coming from a GG.. this isnt the case.. i know some want to think so but 99% of the time its far from it.. your wife is most likely feeling very betrayed from you and her not wearing skirts or heels has nothing to do with it all.. trust me this is coming from first hand expirence.Originally Posted by StephanieT
I love the fact that my husband can piss me off and make me laugh within seconds of each other!
I can handle being alone, but doesn't want to be married and feeling alone.
The only reason the grass looks greener on the other side is because you don't have to mow that lawn.
Husbands are like children, they behave best when they are sleeping.
It's always nice when your husband just looks at you and tells you out of the blue, "You are Beautiful"
No I don't believe that she is threatened by your femme side, she is more likely in shock, this is a big pill for wifes to swallow! Only time will tell how things go from here. good luck! My wife tolerates my femme side, but still isn't onboard with me going out in public.
It might not be so much fear or being threatened by your feminine side, but rather what it all means to you, your relationship with her, what will others think if they find out. Also, what it really is and where will it all lead. Good luck.
^^ exactly what Allie said.. very well put!
I love the fact that my husband can piss me off and make me laugh within seconds of each other!
I can handle being alone, but doesn't want to be married and feeling alone.
The only reason the grass looks greener on the other side is because you don't have to mow that lawn.
Husbands are like children, they behave best when they are sleeping.
It's always nice when your husband just looks at you and tells you out of the blue, "You are Beautiful"
are you kidding me. Not sure how long you have been married, but you have just blown your wife's mind. What don't you get!! If you had any type of a good relationship prior to this, it all seems right now to your wife that it has come unravelled... in so may ways. Take it from me, i am one who knows. She is definetly NOT threatened about your feminine side, sorry but no way she is thinking more about the marriage and where her life may be going
Please get counselling for the two of you if you can.
From experience (I discovered on my own my husbands "items" after 15yrs of marriage 20+yrs together) I can tell you that there will be a roller coaster of emotions one day she might be ok with it the next shes hurting inside and acts out.. but thats to be expected.. her world has been turned upside down from what she "thought" she knew. Ive now known for a year and I still have so much pain inside me and my emotions still flip flop day to day. just hang in there.
I love the fact that my husband can piss me off and make me laugh within seconds of each other!
I can handle being alone, but doesn't want to be married and feeling alone.
The only reason the grass looks greener on the other side is because you don't have to mow that lawn.
Husbands are like children, they behave best when they are sleeping.
It's always nice when your husband just looks at you and tells you out of the blue, "You are Beautiful"
100% agree with this, I can see no reason our wives/SO's would be in any way jealous or threatened by femme side. Hopefully in time, she may be calm enough to discuss it rationally, but I'm sure at this point she is understandably a bit freaked out. I hope you two are able to work it out, best of luck to you.
Last edited by Lisia; 12-01-2011 at 10:39 PM. Reason: CLarification
I just hope Stephanie can get this resolved. It's a bad situation. I take it after they go home from counselling everything is not okay again.
No, she is not threatened by your femininity. Not even close. Sheis hurting since she found out you are njot who she thought you were as a man. She fears that you might be gay or bisexual. She fears where you are going with this. She fears what your friends, neighbors and family wojuld think if they knew. She feels like she is not enough for you. And if anything, she feels less a woman since she thinks you have another one to replace her....YOURSELF! You need to consider the blow to her to find thins out. You need to consider that she has a very twisted idea of what a CD is to begin with, so she is grossed out and turned off. Can't blame her when I look at it from her side the best I can. But threatened by your femininity???? Not a chance ion hell that this is what has her pushing you away. Be kind, be patient, be understanding of her feelings and maybe she will try to accept.
Hi StephanieT. Because I have avoided marriage I'm a little nervous about offering my thoughts but because I have been in so many S...Storms with women I cannot just turn my back on you either so here goes.
Would you describe her as having a strong take charge yell at the top of her voice when hurt or does she go quiet with silent tears?
What are her expectations from a partner in how a man should behave if he loves her
Who makes most of the decisions in the relationship ?
How is power shared?
Who is more financially secure?
How entangled are the two of you financially?
Children?
What are her opinions about homosexuality?
Is she strongly religious?
What type of marriage did and do her parents have?
How concerned is she about what others will think about your crossdressing?
Does she feel like you have a strong sexual desire for her or that you are not interested in her?
Does she enjoy her sexuality or tries to avoid sex and see's it as a duty?
What is her father like and is he a positive or negative male symbol for her and how do you compare to him?
In general what are her opinions about men, are they dogs who only think about one thing, irresponsible, likely to abandon you without a moments notice or is she trusting of men in general?
What is her physical attraction for you based on, Does she love running her fingers through your chest hair, attracted to chielsed features or does she like the prettyboy look?
What male movie stars or entertainment, sports figures is she attracted to? The silent strong types?
From your experience with her try to create her ideal man in your imagination and how do you compare?
Has she always been or in general is she confident in your love for her? This is a big one!
Do you walk on eggshells around her, is she a hate filled or rage filled person, seems to always be angry and negative ?
Does she think lesbians are sick?
These are some of the questions if I was married to her I would need the answers to so I could understand her state of mind and what I possibly could do to reassure her and help her work through her fears and anger, or if I'm being abused or not a good match for her and need to leave the relationship.
Many women have the same prejudices that many men have about men who crossdress and that is that they are weak, needy, passive, cunning, manipulative, sexually deviant, ect.. which are all misogynistic stereotypes used on women as well as on feminine men by men and women when in reality a feminine man is nothing more than a male who refuses to be turned into an unfeeling robot that worships violence and approaches life as if every moment is an act of war and thinks love is an act used to deceive in a quest for domination.
Terror, betrayal,rejection,disgust,guilt,feeling like a fool for trusting you,for loving you, for choosing you,for investing time and energy in you, fear of an empty future, feeling like a failure, of not having children?, Hearing I told you so from her friends and family, ect... This is what you are fighting.
Clothing is nothing more than symbols for deeper beliefs
Feel free to PM me at anytime if I can be of some help. Kelly
Last edited by KellyJameson; 12-02-2011 at 12:04 AM.
So which one of you is lying then?
and you also said "Well the feedback I have gotten so far is I am a adbomination to God, I am psycho and need help, I have unresolved issues from my childhood, my mother did not give me enough emotional support and my wife does not like my mother for what she did to me. "
Who told you this or wife or counselor? Is your counselor a psychologist or psychiatrist? wow that's some god!
#JustSaying
My wife does not own heels and only wears a dress or skirt to an important event. I love to dress up and dress sexy too, but i dress around her almost every night at home and I find myself in jeans and t shirt of sweater/hoodie wearing female tennis shoes or flats more often than not at home. Why have I digressed to dress like her? One reason is I like to go shopping around here and that look blends in best. Besides that I do not want my female side to become a tomboy like her!
She's probably not threatened...she probably scared she's losing her husband.
I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !
Why when a wife is not accepting and struggling is it thought that she feels threatened? You have only recently come out to her, what did you expect her to roll over and be all lovey dovey and ok with it all...well it don't work like that and you'd better get used to the idea that it could take many months even years for her to come round, even then she may only be slightly accepting and not want to have anything to do with the cding.
She's not feeling threatened just most likely scared s***less and is trying to sort things out in her head.
Sandra
Administrator
I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs
R.I.P Rianna
I think for most cases, it's not really that GGs feel threatened. It would be really kind of crazy to have a big secret like this revealed after marriage, I'm not sure how I would react.
My wonderful SO told me after 4 months of dating, and 3 years later I think she is absolutely beautiful and she's the love of my life. The only thing I feel threatened by is potentially losing my SO.
I will say that I know my SO is very sexy and people notice. She hasn't been dressing very long, so she likes the affirmation that people think she is pretty and she likes the attention. This definitely does make me jealous. Not in a way that I am competing against my SO or that I am jealous of the way that she looks...but, I am jealous that my attentions aren't always enough and she can feeds into affection/attention from uggos that don't deserve to be talking to her. (JUST SAYIN'!)
I think each couple's situations are different, but those are my thoughts and occasions when I feel "jealousy." But, I feel my jealousy is pretty normal for most relationships...CDing and otherwise.
I also think that telling before a marriage has (obviously) different consequences than telling after a marriage.
I honestly really hope that you two can work things out.
"Today a young man [...] realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration...that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively...there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.”-Bill Hicks
“What freedom men and women could have, were they not constantly tricked and trapped and enslaved and tortured by their sexuality! The only drawback in that freedom is that without it one would not be a human. One would be a monster.” East of Eden by Steinbeck
Pretty sure that 3 decades of lying (aka not telling) over shadows any kind of issue on who is or isn't more feminine...
Sounds like her personal convictions/fears (Abomination to God), worries about what people will say (psycho), worries about you (issues from child hood), and worries about the marriage (does not like mother in law).
What would I do in that situation? Tough to say but I would probably give her emotions some time to play out. She will eventually begin to look at it rationally. And, judging from what you said, she isn't about to go talk to anyone about it. I guess I would lay low, not bring up the subject until she does, and steel myself to always be calm and rational in any discussions with her whether or not they involve CD.
I would say so, and probably even a worse feeling.Does my wanting to wear heels and dress make her uncomfortable.
Have you asked her that question?
Have you seen your counselor alone, and explained how she acts at home compared to in front of the counselor? If not, you should book a session.
You counselor can't help if lied to.
DonnaT
When people are upset, they often overstate things. Does she actually think that you are physically an abomination? No, probably not or else you would not have gone to a counselor together but more likely an exorcist!! From your description of how you told her in dribs and drabs like you did, I can see why she would think of this as unresolved childhood issues - since she thinks it's just now resurfacing from when you were a kid. I don't know what your/her relationship with your mother is like... but something tells me that comment is coming from somewhere. If your mom was all apple pie and hugs and cookies, I doubt she would have made that comment. I think her reaction is pretty much normal for her situation.
I wish that your wife could join this site to get a rounded view of what crossdressing is from looking at the many individuals here who are examples of both decent human beings and crossdressers, plus be able to talk to those of us SOs who are at all levels of acceptance and start to feel okay about being with a crossdresser - but something tells me that you may choose not to let her know about this site, as she would then quickly discover that you had misled her/lied about only recently getting the urge to crossdress.
You've noted that she's not comfortable enough with talking to the counsellor face-to-face to say how she really feels; many people do find online support a help (particularly this website, rather than any of the more fetish-y crossdresser websites or the crossdresser's wives board) and it may help her truly express herself both to you and in the counseling sessions. It might also help her figure out how to build her concept of crossdressing, I found this board enormously helpful for that. If I were you - I would stop lying. I would man up and confess you've spent the past four years not sure how to tell her or if you should hide it, and you finally decided that it was too big to hide because that's not what couples do. You want to communicate better with her about it, and that you are truly sorry for the deceptions and lies. You were afraid to drive her away. Tell her about this site, show her the 'now I like it, now I don't' thread and the 'how to tell your SO thread.' Discuss ANYTHING that she wants to about this, and don't get defensive about it. Encourage her to join, and build up the 10 posts to come join us in FAB. I have been around for not TOO too long on here, but I have seen so many GGs grow SO MUCH in how they accept what is happening in their lives from this revelation, and go from having a strong sick-to-the-stomach physical reaction at the thought of crossdressing to being supportive within boundaries that both spouses can be happy with.
A lot of this will mean you will need to put aside your male pride, arrogance and ego... Nurturing and caring for others over and above some of your own desires and misgivings is a very womanly trait, and it is something your wife desperately needs right now. If you do not want a divorce, the time for deception is past. I am not going to say that joining this website will automatically want to make your wife want to stay with you, but it truly is the best place for an SO to get the answers she needs that may help save your marriage, if you're lucky.
Damn right she is! She is threatened by the money I spend, the time I spend, and the effort I spend that could have gone to her and the children. She is threatened by the possible shunning if the neighbors found out. Damn right she feels threatened by my cross dressing but I sure can't blame her!
What do you mean about counseling and what happens is not the same??????
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