I'd have done my nails, put on something appropriate for a show and gone with her.Originally Posted by Amanda Ellis
I'd have done my nails, put on something appropriate for a show and gone with her.
Thanks - I love being called a girl...although that might explain the problem (turning down dates with women to be girly)
I am interested in her, but I just got out of a relationship a few months ago and went through a lot of frustration with not being able to dress (much) or shave my legs. So I've been enjoying some girl time. But I worry about the bigger picture, closing off social life, meeting someone and having a fulfilling relationship. It's always the same debate, be a guy and keep the dressing to a min, or embrace it more fully (as I did a number of years ago, more than I care to remember), sometimes I really regret that I didn't 'go for it' more when I was slim and hot. Then again I like being in relationships with women (most of the time) and didn't want to completely give up on being masculine...sigh does this ever get easier?
And if you had a particular event to go to that you had already bought the tickets for and bought new clothes for? An existing commitment such as an aunt's 50th birthday party should be no more (and no less) real than firm existing plans to dress.
These days I have skipped vague outing plans in favor of going home, eating a sandwich, and reading a book. Some days you just need a Time Out.
I could count my dates on one finger, and that one was a failure that did not even lead to further communication. We just didn't get along and we could tell pretty quickly.
Somehow I have managed to enter in to three relationships without dating (if you know someone for a while but are not dating, sometimes the relationship changes.)
I haven't had many invitations to dates; most of the few I have had have sent big warning signs up my spine. "Come home with me and we'll snort some" {cocaine, evangelical religion, whips and chains}.
What you should have done is invite her along for the ride!
Chickie
This forum can be a really healthy place to come to for problems like this. As you've seen, many here are very willing to tell you that there's no need to conform to the male convention of jumping at any opportunity for a relationship. A relationship consists of two (or more) people. If there's no you then there's no relationship, and strangely enough, it's easy to feel like you should abandon yourself for the sake of getting approval...as if you want nourishment, but won't put the real you out to receive it.
You know your preferences better than anyone else, and if you didn't want to go out, then you didn't want to go out. Good for you for valuing yourself over a stereotype! Not many people get there
Also, if you just got out of a relationship where you couldn't dress, I definitely think you owe it to yourself to do it now!
Best wishes!
Last edited by Ash Leland; 12-08-2011 at 12:58 PM.
You have to get your ducks in a row, and set some priorities in your mind. I would never give up an evening of anything, for an evening with a very cute and attractive girl, especially one who had me in her sights which is a "dream fulfilled" situation. I would be more than "a little worried", I would be deeply concerned.
Amanda, I don't think that "hiding" from yourself in any dimension is pleasant, and, it's really not necessary. The fact is that some of us are simply transgendered, and that fact is not going away. And, there's no need for it to go away (IMHO). Most of the problems that I've seen presented on this forum are directly related to trying to put our feminine sides away, or keeping our feminine sides from reality, and by that I mean not accepting that we are transgendered. It is amazingly freeing to just look in the mirror and admit that a part of us is feminine. No big deal, really!
So, yes, explore your feminine side! Enjoy it. But....that doesn't take you away from the human race. Give that girl a call and again say that it was sad that we couldn't get together the other night, but that I'd love to sometime soon, and then see if you can pin down a day, like tomorrow
Go, have a good time, and if you get home early enough, paint your nails
Ok, so some people can't deal with those of us who present in two different genders. Well, some people are bigotted against all manner of minorities, so don't sweat the small stuff and just enjoy both of your gendered selves!
And of course, we all want to know about it
tina
Can it be, that you worry about what will happen when it gets more serious with that girl? I must say, I would take every opertunity to meet girl, which I like - but I am not you
I only know this from prefering dressing up at home and not going out with friends, where at some points I really became sad and swore myself not do skip my social life too often.
She does not know you crossdress, or?
Studying nature (since 8 years) but still figuring myself out (since 18 years ^^ - should have started earlier)
Korean music is cool and girly: Orange Caramel, Girls Generation, Kara
Imeni, I can't say that I fault your youthful enthusiasm about pursuing what looks like a pretty good opportunity... but at the risk of getting pounded by the GGs on this site, I have to say that after you've been around the track a few times, a guy can get a bit gunshy about starting a new relationship. Relationships can be tough and by comparison, CDing can be very comforting. So I have to go with the ones who say that I definitely understanding taking a bit of "Me Time" over the risks of hazarding a new and unpredictable relationship even if she is attractive.
This explains everything. And proves my point.
Last edited by Dana7; 12-08-2011 at 06:42 PM.
Maybe subconsciously you dread having to 'come clean' about your cross dressing and are trying to avoid the issue. Pure speculation. When I was thinking of proposing to my wife forty years ago, I had no cross dressed (in the most rudimentary form) for over two years and had no desire to cross dress. That did not stop me from thinking of that past activity. Frankly, it scared the heck out of me.
If I were your age I would not choose cross dressing for the evening over the chance to be with a knock out young woman. I am not exclusively cross dressing orientated. Now, at my age if I were single again through death of a spouse, I'd be exclusively a cross dresser- unless I met a woman who loved cross dressers.
Amanda, I am glad you explained that you just got out of a relationship and the frustration you endured while in it. That changes things a little. So now you are experiencing your more feminine side that was not allowed to come out as much, if at all while in that relationship. So while licking your wounds you entered the pink fog. You kind of put youmasculinene side away while you allow your feminine side to come out more. OK, I get it. But your concern as to why you would l do this might be because you are not ready to enter another relationship so soon. Still, I think you could have accepted the offer angoneme out with her. It might have been fun. And who knows, you might have found a woman that in time you could be serious with. And if you do see her and date her, you can learn more about her and her feelings about many things including her views on anything related to sexuality, such as her views on gays, bi's, and those with any kind of gender gifted lifestyles. The point is, get to know her, go slow and keep your fem side out if it until you gain a feeling that she might be accepting. That is IF your feelings for her grow. You already said she's cute and you could be interested. Let me put it this way... keep your pants and socks on to hide the shaved legs and painted toenails until and IF the relationship grows to equal interest in taking it further. Then before anything intimate, explain to her that you are a crossdresser. Again, this is only after you get a feeling that she is open and non-judgmental. So as someone else suggested, call her and ask her out. Get back to a social life before you end up alone and all dressed up and no place to go or worse yet, no one to go with. So let us know if you call her and see her again. OK?
Why? What's wrong with wanting to spend some quality time by yourself? Some days I would rather go snowmobiling, or cruising the boulevard by myself than spend it with a woman. Sometimes we just want to do our thing. Not a big deal.
hiya Amanda! I think this is an important thread, thanks for sharing your thoughts. and I believe there's a lot of good advice here ^ ^
some girls say you should've jumped at the oportunity. I think they're right. sometimes you get only one chance, and the dressing can always wait. (can it??) ...just don't stress out the relationship thing too much or too fast -- go out, enjoy the show, see how you feel. if you don't feel ok just don't see her again. but go to the gig; even if you force yourself a little, just to prevent isolating yourself. maybe tell yourself "ok, I'm gonna stay an hour, if I don't feel comfortable I'll go back home (and dress)". perhaps that was a girl who would understand a guy's femme side? better go and check it out ^ ^
(please note that when I say "force yourself a little", I don't mean doing anything that would do you harm, or make you sad. that is just in case you feel like you need an extra push from yourself to don't get that isolating feeling afterwards.)
some other girls say you shouldn't feel bad about refusing a nice date offer. and I think they're also right. Gabi in particular said it perfectly. in the end, truth is you didn't go because you didn't wanted to, and that may be hard to face... but it's _your_ choice and it doesn't matters to anyone. you didn't wanted to go because you left a relationship and wants some private time, because you're enjoying other things at the moment, (insert any reason here)... but your choice shouldn't make you feel bad in any way.
you raised an eyebrow and you're concerned about yourself, which is very important ^ ^ cding life can be isolating and this is not a fun, healthy way to live.But I worry about the bigger picture, closing off social life, meeting someone and having a fulfilling relationship. It's always the same debate, be a guy and keep the dressing to a min, or embrace it more fully
I think you should really consider searching for a relationship where you can crossdress. otherwise you'll either be isolated or suffocated. I think Stephanie (#36) may have a hint...?
lots of love to you. ;x
You'll have to find a way to keep a balance, and this means finding a GG that you can confide in so you can be yourself. They are out there, you know!
I don't blame you for being concerned. If you are attracted to her, then it means you realize that you are isolating yourself which is not emotionally healthy. You don't want your world to start to shrink. Many of the members here said there was nothing wrong with spending some quality alone time and this is true, but if you are bothered by your decision to have turned her down this means that your behavior is sending up red flags. You need to pay attention to this.
So ... take her up on that date. Call her. See her a few times and see if sparks begin to fly. You can dress on nights in between your dates. And if you feel that things are progressing nicely and you can trust her, tell her about the CDing. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Reine
You are not as attracted to her as you think you are to start with. You may think she is pretty but there is something missing there that made you make a decision to be with yourself.
I see pretty women and I don't pursue them because I "THINK" I see something that would become a bigger issue. I see women who I would like to take to dinner maybe more but then I see that they like "bad boys" maybe and I am not one (And I cannot be) or they drink too much (and drunk girls are not as enticing as they used to be), or something else. Getting older has its problems. Whereas 30 years ago I would chase and hope for at least a one nighter, now I want a week or a month at least.
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
Unless you're one of the LUCKY ONES who finds a GG that is OK with your dressing AND compatible with u in the other important things u find attractive in a GF, the answer is, "NO"!
Another alternative is to come out to everyone. For the rest of us single closet dressers it only gets more complicated as u get older, Amanda!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
I just don't understand why you didn't do both. Dress up enfemme and go out on a date with her, you never know what could happen. The choice you made left much doubt in ever having a meaningful relationship with her, what did you have to lose???
You chose to do what you wanted to do, right? I see nothing to be worried about.
I have a bit of practical experience here. In the year or two following the divorce from my first wife, I had a hard time allowing myself to go out, meet new people and enjoy life. In some sense, it was self inflicted punishment for a failed relationship. It wasn't healthy, and it was self defeating. After I passed on a date with an attractive woman, my therapist finally called me on it and said - "what exactly is wrong with allowing yourself to have a little fun".
So, as Reine suggests, call her up and taker up on the date offer. Its not an LTR, its a date. You don't have to tell her your every secret, nor commit to a future together. Just enjoy some human interaction. Maybe something will come of it. And if not, no harm - no foul.
Hi Amanda,
I'd agree with the major pieces of advice here: Only date her if you genuinely fancy her & explore your reason for wanting to be alone rather than in her company on this occasion. Work those two things out & the answer to what you'll do next time should be clearer & should probably not warrant over-thinking.
I hope this situation works out for you in t'end.
Originally Posted by ashlylynn
"Bahahahaha!
Congratulations - You're a girl. And you're waiting for her to show you that she really wants to be with you
by keeping up the pressure on you to go out on a date ... so you don't waste your time, y'know?"
I think I can be like that too, so your not alone on that one.
I could eat Alice's imagination for breakfast & still have room for Narnia
It is a wonderful point in our lives when we can make decisions freely and fit our life to those decisions. Your decision is not wrong if you are happy with it.
The only point I will make, is the hair on your legs will come back and you will enjoy the shave again, a truly nice girl who is interested in you might not come back.
Decisions, decisions, decisions...what is a girl to do.
Babes
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
IMHO, this girl needs to know up front about your crossdressing.
Don't worry, telling becomes easier with experience.
BTW, my icon picture was snapped by my girlfriend before we went to a Halloween themed local singles dance. I had told her of my crossdressing the night we met.
Last edited by Elsa Larson; 12-13-2011 at 08:36 PM.
What's between your legs and what you like to do with it is your business, not mine. Please give me the same courtesy.
Everyone who refers to sexuality as a preference reveals their own bisexuality.
I hope to live long enough to see a time when one's sexuality or gender identity is no more important than one's religion or politics.
DO link up with your local support group. It's an easy way to meet similar people, help others, educate the public and be part of the political process.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tallelsa/
I have not pursued relationships because I wasnt sure that coming clean would go well. Nothing sub concious about it.
I wouldn't worry about turning down a last minute offer; I hope you took a rain check :-)
You had plans that evening that were important to you;
most likely you would have been a lousy date anyways since you would be thinking about the planned session that you are missing :-).
If you start standing people up; or never dating that might be a problem.
Last edited by Cari; 12-13-2011 at 09:04 PM.
Well, I thought I should put my $0.02 in also, even though a lot of people have already said things of similar sentiment...
I wouldn't worry so much that you put your dressing first - dressing is a part of life for us. To deny it is unhealthy and repressive. There's nothing crazy about fulfilling your need to do what comes naturally.
At the same time, I think about the old latin rallying cry: "Carpe Diem!" Life is short, and it's always a mistake to let an opportunity fall by the wayside. Sometimes real life just gives you a short window to step in and make something of an opportunity.
But... I don't think your need to dress and the chance to go out with a girl you're interested in are mutually exclusive. You always could, as others have suggested, keep your legs covered and go out with this young lady to see what happens. No harm, no foul. There's no need to make a big reveal on date number 1 or 2. You might even find out that she's the right kind of open minded, that you might be willing to take The Big Chance down the road, that she might be someone you could have your cake and eat it too. Like Reine said, there are GG's that are open and accepting. But you'll never find out if you don't avail yourself of that window of opportunity.
I can really empathize with the frustration you feel in terms of feeling like you have to choose between your girl side and being a guy that dates. I'm not sure that it does get any easier - I'm trying to find that out for myself. For me, it's easier to realize that by stifling myself and dating women that I know are incompatible with my feminine side, I'm not doing myself any real favor. So it seems the only real solution is to acknowledge that part of myself, to dress when I want to dress, and just take those chances with women when they come along - knowing that it may or may not work out.
I hope this makes sense to you, and I hope you're able to come to a workable solution for yourself. But maybe remember that if you say no to a potential, you're just making your chances of finding some kind of happiness a little slimmer - even if the world seems slanted against you in the first place. Just think about all the times in your life you've walked out your front door and something totally unexpected happens that never would have happened if you'd just stayed inside. You just never know.
Hope this helps, and good luck! (:
"She ain't waiting 'til she gets older, her feet are makin' tracks in the winter snow.
She got a rainbow that touches her shoulder, she be headed where the thunder rolls."
-Van Halen, "Secrets"
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