I think your wife is processing information. Be prepared for further inquiry. My wife is aware of my cross dressing, so it wasn't too much of a shock when she found one of my red bras on the bathroom towel rack. She just told me where she put it. The same with a pair of my white Vanity Fair panties. Sooner or later she will find another feminine article or your entire wardrobe.
My wife found one of my bras and asked me who's it was. I was mortified but decided to just tell the truth. Her comment was that she was wondering what woman I had in the house and seemed somewhat relieved to find out it was mine. She thought I was a little nuts but didn't say anymore. She put it back where she found it and has never commented since. I have casually talked about dressing in an innocent way and she doesn't seem interested in finding out more about my other life or if I wear more than a bra occasionally. Honesty was the best for me.
People are notoriously delusional about how they would react to a situation they haven't actually faced.
Just because a wife says "I'd have been less upset if you'd told me you were having an affair" doesn't mean she would have reacted that way had it been the case.
And it definitely doesn't mean you're allowed to have an affair!
hugs for everyone!
Rachel x
wow, I feel like I came out as a callous bitch not caring about my wifes feelings. which is far from the truth I assure you.
From my wife and I's brief conversation about the leggings last night, she seem'd ok. I did want to go deeper into the conversation cause I do want to tell her. Yes seemingly like volunteering to stand in front of the firing squad (well said Tina B) - Yet the Firing squad didn't seem to ready to fire. I still sorta feel like I have a blindfold on with a cigarette in my mouth waiting for her to be ready to talk. I know I can't ambush her with info, she needs to be in the right mind frame to be receptive to anything that's outside the box.
Since I joined the forum I've been doing some reading and gathering of information from various sources. Things I don't do very well but I'm trying to get together info for her for the inevitable. We've had something fairly major to me come up before (about 5yrs ago) and I did research to get her info then - I don't know how much of the info she went through. But at that time I couldn't hold in my thoughts on the subject and as she put it, I ambushed her. It got the subject out in the open (not cd related I don't think) and we dealt with it some but I still feel like that chapter of our relationship book is still open.
This situation (or however you'd like to think of it) is deeper and I don't want to sweep it under the rug like the last thing. Maybe I'm trying to sweep it under the rug myself, but I do intend to get to it at some point.
Our family Dynamic isn't exactly the norm but it's probably one that's growing for various reasons in the US. She's the provider and I am the domestic engineer. So me coming home from work with her having found all my female things is pretty much not gonna happen. During the day is when I get to dress (like right now..)
I put everything away before I go pickup my kids from school. I'm usually very very thorough and go over everywere I've been to make sure everything is put away. It is very possible that I left the leggings out subconciously to force a conversation. I have been a little sloppy as of late, so I have no one but myself to blame right. Those of you that mentioned her being worried about me cheating on her, you may be right. I sure hope she doesn't think so though. But you all do have me worried that she is thinking that. She's got alot on her plate already as the family provider, business owner, and dealing with all the crazy bills we have. I don't want to pile on more stuff for her to deal with. Like I may have mentioned, she seemed content with what was last spoken about the subject of the leggings. Really the only thing different from these leggings than my other leggings/tights that she has seen me in is that they are obviously femme. But my history of wearing odd things here and there around the house already, the re-assurance that they belonged to me and I was not sleeping with anyone else was (as it seemd) good enough for her.
Sometimes people don't want to know everything, and sometimes I think my wife is one of those people. She's grown up living in denial of various subjects in her families life that maybe she's comfortable that way? I never know what may set her off, usually not much though. Like I said, like a water off a ducks back. It's either amazing how she can deal with things that can create turmoil and grief. Soon after she's all smiles and whatnot. Sometimes it weirds me out cause sometimes it doesn't seem healthy. Other times I am envious of that trait of hers. Cause i let things bother me for much longer than she does.
Anyway, you all have some kind of a point. Yes the bottomline is I need to have a long deep discussion with my wife. If it's pushed/rushed then I know it's going to either come out wrong or be received negatively. Or even worse, it'll just get pushed aside and never mentioned again. Out of site, out of mind somewhat - that happens alot around here.
Will this be a trainwreck as mentioned???? Will I be posting "I didn't see this coming" (Highly Unlikely) "She's Amazing" "That coulda gone better" or will I be posting "Water off a Ducks back" ?? If I was a Betting woman, my money would be on "Water off a ducks back - what else is new"
@Stephanie47 - I think she's processing what info she has if she is doing any thinking on it. yes I am preparing for further inquiry. I know I'm ready to look her in the eye but what comes out of my mouth, well I hope it's the right thing the right way.
@Michala - According to the Peanut gallery technically you weren't totally honest. You fessed up to the bra being yours and your wife doesn't seem interested in pursuing the subject further. Well that's what my goal was too, for some honesty. Not exactly complete transparent honesty but some honesty (baby steps). Your situation is what I'm expecting actually.
Last edited by Mindy More; 12-12-2011 at 03:09 PM. Reason: adding some info
The worst thing we do as thinking individuals is think in a vacuum. You have left your wife in a vacuum, and she is thinking. She is thinking without any direction. This combination can never produce a proper conclusion. If she continues with no direction from you, the conclusions she arrives at, even if wrong, will be her conclusions, and she will own them, and your explanations will have a vastly reduced impact in changing her mind. She will have made it up, and your work will be increased.
Do not delay. Be honest in telling her your situation and in answering her questions. Reaffirm your love for her, and your family. Just do it!
Babes
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
IF I could refer you to a really old song by the Persuaders called "(it's a) Thin line between love and hate." The crux of the song is that the guy thought everything was cool when he came in after being out all night. While he thought all was well with is wife it ends up not so good (while I don't agree with the violence of the song, it makes the point). I would be proactive and start the conversation instead of coming home and finding the locks changed. No time like yesterday to explain thingsOriginally Posted by pantease_sd
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
Like I said I'm the one that's home. Sadly I'm almost always home and I do the handy work around the house so I'd be the one to change the locks on myself probably. In Reality that isn't my wifes way. She's never been vindictive in any way even when warranted, another one of those I can't believe she didn't do something back things even something small. Just not the way she operates at all. I know some of you will probably say otherwise but you don't know my wife like I know my wife. This is one of those things I know about her for sure.
As far as telling her about my cd'ing, she may be accepting of it? It's possible. I may not be giving her enough credit for being accepting. But once the Jar is open, do I want her to be accepting or just tolerant? Preferably accepting.
Seems if it was upto the majority posting here (not everyone I know) I would go right now, pull my wife out of her office and straight up tell her "I'm a Crossdresser, there I said it, those leggings are mine cause I am a Cross Dresser!!" life isn't that simple cause then I just left a floater in the toilet cause she'd have to get back to working. I will be vigilant for an opening in the next few days and leave myself available to any inquiry she has (longer than a few days if need be).
I may be delusional about her potential negative reaction, but wouldn't it truly be smarter for me to expect the worst and hope for the best? Or am I still being delusional?
Please take this in the way it is meant .. to help, but I think you are deluding yourself when you say that all is well and roses with her and that she may not want to know anything. I'm thinking you would rather keep your secret than come out to her. I sympathize with the difficulty in coming clean, since it will mean dealing with the issue head on and it may ruin your daily dressing for awhile, but I'm quoting what you said about your wife in the first post. This isn't a woman who "seemed content with what was last spoken about the subject of the leggings" and "the re-assurance that they belonged to me and I was not sleeping with anyone else was (as it seemd) good enough for her":
Pantease, I'm sorry but I don't think you've dodged another bullet.
Please take the advice that Baby Steps gives in post #30 seriously. Once your wife begins to fill in the blanks with her own explanations, you will have eroded trust that will be very difficult to build back up again. You wife has gut feelings that something is amiss. And if you delay telling her the truth, she may well come to believe that your sexual interests lie elsewhere, if not with another GG, then with wanting to be with men once she finds out you are a CDer.
Reine
I agree with everyone,,talk to her now before she is in some other guys bed..Believe me, if she thinks you are,,she will..talk now before that happens..
well i wasnt going to say anything just read but i will i did something stupid 22 years ago. I was to scared to tell my wife so i left a bra partially hanging out of my dresser for her to find i just couldnt find the courage to tell her i thought it would be easer . boy was i wrong wow i had screwed up it took lots of time she was hurting bad thought i was cheating on her i messed up dont do what i did . well 22 years latter she will laugh with me now but it took alot of time
Reminds me of an old joke:
Guy is getting dressed in the locker room at the golf club and puts on a pair of woman's panties. His buddy says to him "Ralph, when did you start wearing women's panties?" Ralph responds "Right after my wife found a pair in my glove compartment."
[SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda
So I don't understand. She knows that you are wearing women's leggings right? It is kind of like the wall is pretty substantially breached (most "normal" guys don't wear women's leggings), so why don't you share the rest? I agree with the ad nauseum responses telling you that your wife is probably in misery. I don't know if she is going to think that cross-dressing or infidelity is worse, but either way, it is probably a huge breach of trust in her eyes. Be honest with her. Good Luck.
Oh you have the golden opportunity to tell her. You got to since it is out this far. Before she finds something else. For 50 years I have been dressing and watching everything little thing I do making sure all items have been put away, many times they were left in plain sight and weren't found. i just cringed as she would walk out of the room item unnoticed. You can't do that to yourself. Believe me how many times I almost got caught dressed at home it's not good. I finally told my wife after 14 years 3 weeks ago and it's been the greatest thing I could of done. With your wife thinking there is another women involved it could get worse. Tell her before she finds your lipstick.
The shorter the skirt and higher the heel makes this girl happy.
The leggings are the worrying thing.
If she had found a garter belt or bra-she would have noticed the colour, checked the make (which would give away the price and probably the shop), checked the size, style-we women pick this up in a glance.
But a pair of cotton leggings-this would be so much harder to explain away, even if you had been willing.
You could try wearing them around the house again, under something maybe or as part of an outfit.
You have the opportunity to dress at home, but the clothes that we women do housework in wouldn't interest you. If you think you are doing a good job as the domestic engineer, fine, but remember nothing lasts forever: you will be expected to return to paid employment at some time.
In a set-up like yours, it is wisest to schedule regular chats about finances, domestic stuff, marital and emotional stuff. We all do it. No family is too busy for the stuff that keeps the wheels turning. You could even ask that your wife be a little more expressive about things that (you feel) should take up a little more of her downtime.
One thing that hasn't got any mention here is reassurance. Does your wife know your attitudes to infidelity? Do you tell her often how much you appreciate her being the breadwinner? Do you domestically engineer because you like to? Do you feel she appreciates what you do? Women are suckers for kind words and appreciation. Never let her doubt how you feel about her.
I will sound like an echo...but its pretty simple. You need to have a long and very frank conversation with your wife. It may be difficult to start, but the questions are already running through her head. its time to start providing some honest answers.
Please take this as constructive advice and nothing else, ok? Often it is a much clearer picture looking in from the outside than being inside looking out. The bottom line here is this: You are not prepared at this point to spill it all out to your wife, even though you care about her. You think you can justify your refusal to come clean to her because you know how she is feeling and thinking and it's no big deal to her, she'll get over it. It's obvious to everyone in your mind, she thinks exactly like you do so why rock the boat. You can make a million excuses as to why not to tell her, but you cannot come up with one valid reason to tell her. Is any of this sinking in to you yet? If and when you ever decide to tell her, which I personally do not think you will do until it's too late, you will be left scratching your head wondering how she could be so wrong about all the thinks you knew she already understood, accepted, and believed, simply because you were going to tell her some day, well, maybe. I wish you well in your relationship based on your assumptions, based on your fantasy of her feelings and thoughts. Pantease, why not just come out and tell her the complete story from day one as you know it, and save the woman from all the grief and misery that is to come unnecessarily, in the days ahead. It may well have a happy ending if you do, but it is certainly will not have a happy ending if you leave her wondering because of your fears and selfishness to avoid the truth.
Last edited by jillleanne; 12-13-2011 at 09:44 AM.
The vote seems to be unanimous on what the best solution is. The only thing that I will add, and this is based on my own relationship, if a woman thinks you are possibly cheating on her, her imagination will drive things so out of proportion she will take actions you never dreamed of. I would probably show her a small box of well worn clothes to reinforce that the leggings were yours. A small box because you might want to take baby steps, but trust me, you need to give her peace of mind and soon.
This is just about the way I came out to my wife, three or four months back ..I left a pair of women's shoes by my computer after I had worn them..She noticed them and asked me the next day if I was wearing them. I said yes. She said: Are you gay, or something? I said no, I'm a cross-dresser, and trans gendered. I think she was temporarily flabbergasted (she may also not have known exactly what that was)..She just left the kitchen and said little about it, until the next day...She still doesn't like it...but she is slowly accepting it..We get along surprisingly well, better than before, I believe. Maybe there's a closeness brought about by truth...At any rate, it was truly a great blessing in disguise..I now dress en femme at night, in my nighties, without fear of disclosure, and my daily garb is very femme, although androgynous..It's really wonderful..
Good luck Pantease (odd name)..hehe smooches Jackie
Jackie
Thanks everyone for the advice.
@Mia - I had never had womens leggings before at least not so obvious. But I have some tights for running and sports. Different fabric but not much difference other than that. My wife also knows I like to wear panties sometimes and have always worn more sensual/exotic undies since we met.
@allsteamedup - I'm not sure why explaining leggings vs a garter belt or bra would be harder, at least in my house. I actually haven't worn them since.
@drag n fly - Pantease is just my screen name, I like panties and teasing a little too. But you can call me Mindy if you like (my new to me femme name)
I don't know if I mentioned it (maybe Reine can find it and quote me) but the leggings were brand new. the day I forgot them on the couch was the first day I tried them on. So they were brand new. I know I forgot to mention that one reason why I forgot them is that there was a knock on the door (Reine did I mention that?) I got scared and pulled them off and proceded to remove all my clothes to change into more acceptable wear to answer the door. Needless to say, nobody was there when I went to answer.
Anyway, I still haven't told her. I've always been a more than words kinda person so I show her how I feel. I may be lying/deceiving myself but the whole leggings thing is water under the bridge. I feel this cause of how she treats me, nothing has changed. Our love making is the same, her looks at me are the same. I tell her I'm going out to see friends, she has only asked where I'm headed, same as always. She's always so busy even when she get's home lately (seasonal crap) that discussions are few and never really that deep. I know she's avoiding discussions of financials, I had asked a small question about something last week and she didn't want to answer me straight. I'm avoiding telling her that her husband the father of her children that she loves is a cross dresser. I'm sure there is never really a good time to spill the beans and I know it's something that eventually needs to be said.
Sorry to disappoint alot of you pushing me out the closet. I keep hearing success and failure stories. Alot of, I told my SO but she doesn't approve stories, or she tolerates it but doesn't want to know anything or any variation on that. Being that my wife hasn't gotten into pegging me as I had once tried to get her to do and has no desire to pleasure me that way. I'm inclined to think if I do come out, she won't want to know anything about it anyways. I may be wrong but History is what it is. Leading me to believe it's currently better/easier to stay where I am until the door to the closet gets wider or flings open completely.
One last thing before I forget (cause I don't want to bore everyone trying to reply to every post), I don't know who said it but I read it (Reine can you find it and quote it?). I don't Prance maybe by myself but not around my wife........ (for whomever said I am now prancing around in my leggings sounding as if I was all giddy and rubbing it in my wife's face or something)
Again thanks for the comments. I didn't start this thread thinking I was gonna be getting some sermons and be criticized for being stupid enough to leave a pair of leggings out. I guess I wasn't really thinking what the mass's would think. I thought it was a triumph of a piece of clothing I have that I am now able to wear outside of my private world. Call me naive, I'm new to this what can I say.
Mindy
Member of the "Pulled Over When Dressed Club"
If I can get out there, you can too
I didn't quote your words in my post #33 to be mean. I just wanted to gather all of your wife's reactions in one spot, to point out that your wife doesn't look as if she believes you.
You asked for our advice and we gave it to you. You will do what you feel is best.
Reine
@Reine - I know you were just being helpful. Everyone has they're way of trying to assist. I do appreciate your effort in attempting to point out my wifes reactions for me. But I was there and I know how it went down. Thank you though. Don't take this wrong but I don't recall asking for advice in my 1st post on this subject. Possibly in later posts of mine but "what should I do" I'm pretty sure was not anything I'd mentioned. Either way, hugs and I'm sorry.
I am very good at being miss-understood, not sure if this is one of the case's but seems like all month long (and before) my words seem to get twisted somehow.
Mindy
Member of the "Pulled Over When Dressed Club"
If I can get out there, you can too
I think a few more of us were confused by the original post, I know I was. I thought it was a she thinks I'm having an affair because she found leggings.
If my wife was thinking I was having an affair I would tell her they are mine, and come clean. Just sayin...
Every once in a while your fem side will leak out. Like the time, I left Renne's black 4" heel knee high boots on the bed. To make a long story short, my SO would D me if she knew it all, that's when I decided to be more careful and not let this leak out. Need to keep my supergirl hero outfits deeper. But then again, maybe it's a part of your brain that doesn't want to go around hiding in the shadows anymore and tells the other half of your brain to leave stuff out... That's one of the problems I face with a female brain in a male body. Too many voices telling me what to do.... LOL.
Renne.....
Its good that you can wear them and feel happier about yourself. Baby steps like you said but any step forward is a positive one
Don't feel the need to apologize fore being misunderstood. We all mis state things from time to time...its too easy to type and hit post. The other thing to remember is that each of us reads your posts, and everyone elses, with our own prejudices and experiences in mind. So, sometimes we may react a bit more viscerally than the situation requires or we may miss the boat entirely.
You're right, tho, I think that most of us offer advice - even when its not specifically requested - out of concern and the hope that our collective experience may be helpful in some way. So, take even those comments that seem critical with a grain of salt and with a presumption of the best intentions.
Best of luck in navigating these waters.
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