don't take offense, just want to know, and no one else to ask only here

[CINDYO]

crossdressing is alittle unusual and it is quite difficult for a SO to understand, esp to learn late in a marriage. It is what it is and just have to learn about it and try to keep and open mind. I have learned lots here and I am feeling less and less upset and more and more positive about the situation. I really love being married and have a great family life. I want to keep that and I also want my husband to be happy, hopefully that involved me still being his wife
Crossdressing is one thing but (and i hope i am not being too forward here) what about the person that crossdresses then does his thing behind closed doors. That is really really hurtful to a SO. I know there are different levels of crossdressing, and this does not apply all crossdressers. But as a SO I wonder if this is just part of the whole thing and does not have any other implications to it. ( ie like i am no longer attractive enough to him, I just don't do it for him any longer but he does not want to hurt my feelings etc)
Again don't take offense, not trying to be rude, don't want any hostile responses but just wondering and just asking. Maybe I have a wrong take on it.

[Kathi Lake]

Cindy,

With some people, there is a buildup of tension, and that tension must be released. Please don't view it as anything to do with you. Your spouse most likely is ashamed of their reaction, and doesn't want to harm you.

Now if that is the only way your spouse is satisfied, then you do have some issues to work out. I hope I put this all as delicately as possible.

Kathi

[JulieK1980]

I don't think it has anything to do with attraction to a spouse. The private aspect of it, for me was always my comfort zone. It's something that we are conditioned from a young age that we must do in private or face wrath and ridicule of those we loved. Many of us never really move past that, and it remains a very private thing. Hope that helps!

[Foxglove]

Hello, CINDYO. I've been where your husband is, and I can tell you that it does not mean that he doesn't find you attractive any more or that he doesn't have any feelings for you any more. The need to crossdress can carry some very powerful urges with it that are well nigh impossible to resist.

That said, I understand your feelings. I can understand that this isn't easy for you. It's easy to say that you should try to show him some understanding. But crossdressing is, I think, impossible to understand for someone who doesn't have the need him/herself. And there's also the point that your husband certainly needs to show you a lot of understanding. It is a tough, tough situation.

What a guy who crossdresses needs more than anything is the support of his SO (if he has one). But it certainly needs to be a two-way street.

At any rate, you haven't caused me any offense. I understand why you would want to ask.

[RADER]

Cindy;
Please try ton understand that the cross dressing idea has such a great negativity by society
that most men are afraid to tell anyone, even their wife/So.
The thought of rejection by society in whole can lead some one to suicide on the worst side,
depression on the best side.
It most likely that he is a little shy about dressing in front of you. I know I am with my wife,
and she not only knows, but condones my dressing. That is why he is still in the closet as one would say.
Remember not long ago, Gay people where treated like lepers, but today they are even accepted in the Military.
Some day that might come to people like me who like to wear womans clothes. Now I do not want to change
my sex, nor do I want to date men; I just like to wear a dress from time to time. Because of my build,
Like a big lumberjack, I would never pas as a woman, But that does not stop me from indulging in pretty things.
Just be patient with him, he will lose his fears in time, I did with my wife, although some times I under dress
when she does not see or know. It hard to explain, but men are afraid of rejection, especially by a wife you
love very much. Just go easy and try to under stand. Maybe a long talk over coffee some mornings would help.
Rader

[Marleena]

Cindy let's start with this. If one of your your own children was TG/TS would you abandon them (no). Your SO never asked to be a CDer, none of us did, or truly know why either. We need to do this. If we supress it we either end up depressed or miserable. It affects our emotional well being. If gender therapists tell us it won't go away there is our answer. It's harmless, but we learn from an early age to hide it to protect ourselves.

CDing DOES NOT change our feelings towards our SO's. In fact if an SO allows it they will have a much better spouse than a non CDing GM. If he gets aroused by CDing that is normal too as long as it doesn't effect his sex life with his SO. Many long time CDers are beyond the arousal part and it's a comfort thing instead.

I kept it short, but I hope that helps. Again, I can only speak for myself.

[Jenniferathome]

Cindy, his crossdressing has nothing to do with you. He's been doing this for years, before he met you. Crossdressing is just something that is a part of us, like being heterosexual. It's me. You are amazing to accept this part of your husband and it is only a "part" likely a really small part. Talk with him often and set and boundaries with which your are comfortable. The behind closed doors comment only worries me in as much as you do not appear to have set the boundaries. Everything should be "open kimono"

[kimdl93]

Hi Cindy. For my two cents worth, my guess is three things (at least) lead him to doing his thing in private. First, he has been hiding this part of himself for a long time, so its difficult to break that habit. Second, not knowing what your boundaries are, perhaps he's reluctant to dress in your presence for fear of upsetting you. Third, rather than not finding you attractive, he's more likely somewhat self conscious about his appearance. Each of us is our own worst critic...and believe me, when I stand in front of a mirror, I see every masculine trait, every flaw and I fear there are many more that I'm missing.

[Miranda-E]

crossdressing is alittle unusual and it is quite difficult for a SO to understand, esp to learn late in a marriage. It is what it is and just have to learn about it and try to keep and open mind. I have learned lots here and I am feeling less and less upset and more and more positive about the situation. I really love being married and have a great family life. I want to keep that and I also want my husband to be happy, hopefully that involved me still being his wife
Crossdressing is one thing but (and i hope i am not being too forward here) what about the person that crossdresses then does his thing behind closed doors. That is really really hurtful to a SO. I know there are different levels of crossdressing, and this does not apply all crossdressers. But as a SO I wonder if this is just part of the whole thing and does not have any other implications to it. ( ie like i am no longer attractive enough to him, I just don't do it for him any longer but he does not want to hurt my feelings etc)
Again don't take offense, not trying to be rude, don't want any hostile responses but just wondering and just asking. Maybe I have a wrong take on it.

Its fear, not an intent to deceive.
fear of losing loved ones, fear of their real self, fear of if its not kept entirely hidden it will expand , possibly the loss of the ability to suppress TG tendencies if that part of it. or simply feeling ashamed.

Being fully out is a much easier road, but not all get there.

[Sophiewouldbenice]

Hi, I also assume he is not sure if he is overdoing in your opinion and/or aybe he is somehow ashamed. I hardly thing it has anything to do with your attraction for him. I crossdress now 18 years and never lost interest in girls or a girlfriend - as long as she lasts... - crossdressing was everytime s.th. how I felt better, well I actually did share it with my girlfriend, but she did know from the beginning and also then I was not sure how far I can go, so I gave it into her hands do dress me the first time, so I could not overdue it.

[Jilmac]

Cindy, there are many reasons why a person may feel the need to do their thing behind closed doors, and this applies to both genders. Granted, for some crossdressnig enhances the experience but the urge to do so may be totally unrelated to dressing. In some cases it may be a compulsion which has become difficult to control, or there may be underlying factors such as stress, angst, or depression. CDing has more to do with gender ID than sexuality (although some so-called experts may disagree).

For many married CDers, guilt and shame keep them in the closet which can be more hurtful to a SO and a relationship in the long run. Although you may never completely understand your spouses need to dress, perhaps aknowledgement would suffice. If you spouse has been honest with you about every other aspect of your relationship, it seems to me that he wants it to last.

[Debra Russell]

Try to embrace his other half as a very good friend...he is still your lover and husband ...........Debra

[Anna Lorree]

Cindyo,

This is a very different thing for every crossdresser and by extension, for every couple as well. I can certainly say that I am not at ease around my wife when I am fully dressed. That is because she has told me that SHE is not at ease when I am dressed. Like you, she learned about this over a decade into our marriage. She is still trying to figure out how to balance her needs with mine.

I would LOVE to be able to dress around my wife. I would love to be able to do feminine things with her, and to be involved with her in an intimate manner while dressed. She, however, is not currently open to that. I have hopes for the future, but time will tell.

My suggestion is open communication. That doesn't always come easily because your SO has been programmed to hide that side of himself.It is hard to get over that, trust me...

Anna

[Chickhe]

One thing I think many wives don't understand... It is not about you! And the impilied guilt trip is what drives many husbands emotionally away! Just because someone doesn't act the way you want does not mean they don't like you!....In fact it probably has nothing to do with you, until you add the burdon of guilt and make it a problem. Did you ever have a tough time at work and arrive home not feeling in the mood?...suppose the second you walk in the front door your SO started asking....is it me? am I not good enough for you?....how do you think your SO is going to feel? Can you not see that the additional pressure and complications are going to make them feel worse (maybe you will actually convince them that it is you)? Is there anything wrong with just accepting that sometimes your SO might need some alone time?

For me CDing is an escape...so I'm pretty sure having my SO entirely involved would not work and feeling like I need to explain it to her would be a burdon. The ideal wife response should be....'yup, my husband has a hobby and I'm okay with that'...doesn't mean he wants a spectator.... However, if my wife was in to sewing or makeup then I would feel comfortable asking for her involvement.

[Leslie Langford]

Cindy, as you can see, all of the above posts have one common theme - the urge to crossdress is typically an inherent need that comes from within the individual, and the specific reasons for it are unclear even to us. It is no reflection on our SO's or our attraction (or perceived non-attraction) to them. That said, some of us probably do try to re-create our own particular fantasy girl in the way we dress en femme (witness the widespread focus here on high heels, pantyhose, tight clothes, and make up that we - rightly or wrongly - see as typical manifestations of femininity).

But at the end of the day, how different in concept is all of that from what the "real" men out there do, who frequent strip clubs, buy the girlie magazines, and are addicted to porn to get their jollies. We just take it to a different level.

If I had a nickel for every advice column that I have ever read where the female SO writes in perplexed why her presumably normally-sexed hubby engages in these activities, I'd be rich. And the advice (typically from female columnists, BTW) is invariably the same as what we are offering here - that's just how men are wired as compared to women, and it would be wrong to read too much else into it.

[josee]

Cindyo, the crossdressing is seperate from his attraction to you. Most of us have a deep love and respect for the important females in our lives. What he does "behind closed doors " he would do regardless of his relationship with you. If anything he would do more of whatever it is if you were not in his life. A crossdresser can restrict himself to some degree but we are incapable of suppressing indefinitely. Eventualy it will re-surface no matter how hard he tries. He is very lucky to have you in his life and I bet he would agree that your love is what keeps him in check at all.

[Barbara Ella]

When we first start dressing, it is a one on one activity, that MUST be kept secret, as no one else would understand. In this way we condition ourselves to be loners in this endeavor. When accepting people are "found" this solitary existence can begin to change. It does not happen overnight, depending on how long one has been cross dressing. I am new to my revelation, and did not build a history of being alone before coming out to my wife. Her acceptance has been amazing, and made my so much more at ease. I am not developed to the stage of full blown cross dressing, wig, makeup, special dresses - yet (but boy am I running as fast as I can in these heels). I can see that if I was into full blown presenting, I would feel very srlf conscious about doing that in front of my wife, but I would also not feel complete unless I did it, therefore I would opt for private sessions.. As it is, I am still uncomfortable putting on and removing my bra in the presence of my wife. I do it because she is supportive and encouraging, and I want her to be pleased with me and accepting of how I will develop in the future.

Just be as supportive as you can. If he has pictures, ask him to show them to you and talk about his outfits. Try to get an idea of just what he does behind the closed door, and be positive when you see that in his pictures. Offer to take pictures of him when he is fully dressed. This is one time when honesty should temporarily take a back seat. He may not feel that he passes, and does not want anyone to see him. Do not be objective, and offer tips for improvement yet. Admire him for what he is at the moment. If he begins to realize he has a supporter, he will begin to ask you for comments when he is ready.

Be supportive. Be positive. Be communicative. Be loving. Be understanding. His private sessions are his internal devil that will take time to defeat. He needs you now more than ever.

Babes

[NicoleScott]

Cindy, when i was a young boy I was caught playing with lipstick. My dad held me down and put it on me while verbally humiliating me. That kind of reaction is what drives us into the closet where we find comfort and safety. It's difficult to come out of the closet. One kind of coming out is making others aware that we crossdess. The other kind of coming out is appearing before others en femme. Crossdressers can do one, the other, both, or neither. It's a very personal thing, and a very difficult decision. Others who have posted here have given many reasons, all valid, why one chooses the same course as your SO.
I have read many personal stories here on the forum that go something like this: we had a great relationship, and I fulfilled all expected manly roles in the relationship. But after I came out to her, I am suddenly pond scum. Pretty much the way my first marriage went. I am fortunate now that my [second] wife understands (as much as it is possible) that it's just an unexplainable, yet harmless, drive to dress, and while everything isn't always perfect between us, crossdressing has never been an issue. I get time, space, and privacy to enjoy my personal pursuits, and the rest of the time I'm just a regular guy, husband, and dad. It's working for us because we talked. It would be a shame to be seen only as a crossdresser.

[gabimartini]

Cindy,

Crossdressing has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Odds are he began as a little boy, years before even dreaming about getting to know you and marrying you. So, the fact the he dresses has nothing to do with being or not being attracted to you.

Now, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by a "person that crossdresses then does his thing behind closed doors". What exactly do you mean? That the CD masturbates while dressed? Sorry, but in order for me to comment, I need to know what you are talking about.

[Dana7]

Crossdressing is one thing but (and i hope i am not being too forward here) what about the person that crossdresses then does his thing behind closed doors. That is really really hurtful to a SO.

Cindy, maybe I am just not clear about this, but could you explain what it is you mean by "does his thing behind closed doors". Not sure what you mean by this.

If it's the sexuality thing, it is possible that the CDing has a sexual outlet; for some that is true. For others, it is simply a means of escape or comfort. For others, an expression of the feminine element within. Many CDers do it without any sexual feelings associated with it.

If you're afraid that he's crossdressing because of some shortcoming in you, don't be. Crossdressing as I have found it, is something innate to the person and is not caused by outside influences like the relationship with the spouse. Although it can be affected by stress, insecurity, and a difficult relationship, it is not caused by it. There may be sexual tension if the relationship with the SO is less than fulfilling. But I don't find that crossdressing is a substitute for sexuality with the SO.

I've written that gender identity and sexual orientation are separate and distinct. You may remember my post on that.

[Karren H]

I started when I was 7. I'd say it has more to do with my mother than anyone else. Her and the aliens that abducted her! Lol.

[Cheryl T]

what about the person that crossdresses then does his thing behind closed doors. That is really really hurtful to a SO.
But as a SO I wonder if this is just part of the whole thing and does not have any other implications to it. ( ie like i am no longer attractive enough to him, I just don't do it for him any longer but he does not want to hurt my feelings etc)

[SIZE=3]Cindy,
There are many, many variations to what we do. Just as there are many, many variations in anything else that we humans do. There is no one path that we walk and we all have different needs and reasons for this.
One thing that I expressed to my wife when she found out is that this is NOT a compensation for something that she lacks. I am not trying to be pretty because I feel she is not. What needs to be understood is that this is about ME!
I'm sure your husband feels the same way. He's not trying to make up for what you lack, and he probably has never even given that a thought. He's trying to understand this himself, as we all are trying to do. I've personally been trying to understand it for over 50 years and I'm certain I am not alone in that.
When I began dressing for my wife I know she felt "second best" and that was not my intention. She instinctively took it as a competition.
As she said, girls compete with each other all the time. Best friends do it, enemies do it. It's just natural.
Well, not having experienced that part of growing up female I did not realize it and therefore it was a foreign concept to me, but not to her.
She now understands that when we go out and I'm dressed "to the nines" it's simply because that's how I feel that day. Another day and I may be in jeans and a T-shirt because that's my mindset that day. It's never about being better than her or a substitute for her.

The best advice I can give is that if you feel that competition....TALK, TALK, TALK!!!

All the talking we've done has brought us together even closer than before. It's a must!!![/SIZE]

[josee]

I started when I was 7. I'd say it has more to do with my mother than anyone else. Her and the aliens that abducted her! Lol.

Damn aliens got my mom too! Then they replaced her with a surrogate imposter.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Cindy. Before I share my thoughts first I wanted to state that even though I consider myself heterosexual and have never had experience with men I have avoided marriage because I learned quickly when dating that it would be impossible for me to sexually satisfy a wife because I have very little interest in sex and would only be interested in using it for procreation and this comes from my fetal development in the womb. Here are some words and a link you may find interesting.

"men and women's brains each come wired with the neural circuitry for both sexual dominance and sexual submission. When Nature builds our brains, it installs both the "male" and "female" subcortical circuits, but apparently only links one of these circuits to the arousal system. Scientists can trigger lordosis in male rats by activating their dormant submission circuitry, and can trigger masculine mounting in female rats by activating their dormant dominance circuitry.

But here's the intriguing part. In humans, the hormonal vagaries of prenatal development appear to cause a substantial portion of men to be born with active submissive circuitry. These men find sexual submission as arousing—or, quite often, far more arousing—than sexual dominance. "

Psychologically I would find being dominated impossible but I do recognize that my natural energy is submissive and has been since birth and this is one of the driving forces behind crossdressing for me because than my image matches my energy based on the symbolic representation of the clothing and the feminine energy being submissive (receptive) Does not mean passive or weak! The clothing is a symbol for feminine energy.

For many men this is very difficult to come to terms with because it is the opposite of how they are suppose to feel and act. Also submissive energy can be a problem if a man only knows how to become aroused through dominant energy and the erection than is an act of aggresion, conquest,ect...

I have been reading a forum for wifes of crossdressers and there is a great deal of sexual frustration and feelings of rejection on this site. A womans sexuality can be intimidating simply for the reason that a woman does not depend on an erection. if your husband is open to role playing you may be able to entice him back into the bedroom if he has sexual desires but his fears are preventing it's expression in a submissive form.

From what I have read it appears that crossdressing for some is a form of mastur...... ,eroticsizing their bodies and than creating both male and female in one body and turning their sexual energies inward. I somewhat envy those who are able to do this because they at least have a libido but on the other hand I'm glad I do not have to manage this energy so my feelings are mixed.

Feel free to P.M me if you want to. heres the link

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...in-the-bedroom

[ashlylynn]

Dear SO,

Most probably either

# 1 he is self-conscious
- about how he looks, like any girl lol ( not pretty enough )
or
- just feels "silly" in a dress & makeup with you watching,
not wanting to tarnish his male image in front of you
and for you to think he's less of a man.

or

#2 He figures you don't want to be involved and does not want to force you to feel compelled to be a part of it.


So what you can do is buy him a new black skirt with elastic waste ( sure to fit )
and invite him to go out shopping with you for matching shoes and top, etc.

Then you will soon become a part of his xd experience because he'll know you
are not just "accepting" but "supportive" and that you want to be involved.



=================
Now, if your statement "does his thing" means what i think it means,
this has nothing to do with crossdressing and has more to do with him
being a male and wanting a "quick off" and not wanting to be bothered with
all the lovey-dovey and extra work he believes YOU expect.

If you'd be willing to be his ...uh ... "outlet" for 2 minutes; offer yourself.
But he may be hung up on the idea it will make you feel used, so talk.