Struggling in the Purge Cycle

[AlisonWood]

I can't tell you, over the years, how many times I've purged and how much $$$ I've spent!

Haven't really gotten pretty in a couple of years, but last week I broke down and ordered all the stuff. Now it's on the way.

Part of me screams "just return it!" while the other part can't wait to indulge and buy more.

I worry that, when I have a stash, it will just distract me. I don't have any ethical issues with getting pretty and going out - but I don't want it to hurt my family.

I've broached the issue with my SO, but its a non-starter. So many things in my life are perfect and dressing has the potential to really mess things up.

On the other hand, I know I need to express myself as a woman sometimes.

Can anybody relate?!?

[Miranda-E]

all purging will accomplish is destroying yourself.

[Beth Mays]

been down the exact same road more than once.

[RADER]

Instead of total purging; why not just box up all the clothes and put them in storage, or the Attic,
or the Attic/basement of a friend or relative. That way it would not cost you a lot to start over again.
Rader

[Anna Lorree]

I figured my wife would leave when I told her. It hurt her, but she is still here. Purging never did anything for me except give me more regret. When I told her about some of the things I had purged, she told me I was stupid for having done that.

Anna

[GeminaRenee]

I've purged plenty of times. And every time I've regretted it. And I've never heard a story of a girl who purged and found that it was the right thing for her in the long term. Face it - dressing is a part of you!

The dilemma of not wanting to hurt those you love is a tough one, I agree. But the truth is that by burying this part of you, you're being untrue to yourself. How happy can you ever be if you're not going to be true to the person you are? What is life, if the only person you allow yourself to be is dictated by the whims and wants of others? Only you can make that choice!

Good luck!

[jillleanne]

Only to well. Self acceptance and full disclosure will solve your cd issue and may or may not create new issues of a different kind. You must choose at some point which is most important to you and come to terms with the others. Good luck and stay positive.

[EmilySeattle]

I definitely regret purging in the past. It won't change how you feel inside, it will only perpetuate the cycle of shame that is damaging to your self esteem. I think the emotional purging that goes along with physical purging is what I found the most damaging. I am still trying to work on accepting myself and figuring out where I fit in the whole TG spectrum, but I think I have reached the point where I realized that trying to purge it away will never make me happy.

[RenneB]

Been there done that, but got the thrift store donation slip to write it off on the taxes.... This time, I'm up to my eyeballs in fem outfits and wardrobe... I'd really hate to add it all up this time... That's the issue when you are born with a female brain in a male body.

But then again, it's not like I'm selling drugs or robbing banks that I'm trying to hide.... it's just trying to be the inner me.....outside.

Renne.....

[gabimartini]

I know it's easier said than done, but don't purge. You know it's coming back to you. So, do yourself a favor, rent a self storage unit and put your stash there, until you get an urge. It will be probably cheaper than having to repurchase everything! Think about it, just shoes alone, good grief, those cost a bundle!!!!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Allison, Crossdressing is like the Mifia, You just can't quit.

Orchid

[Billie Jean]

I quit purging as it gets too expensive. The only way I'll throw anything out now is if it get to tattered to wear. Billie jean

[Cheryl T]

[SIZE=3]Been there, done that....
And as you have already said, ... "I can't tell you, over the years, how many times I've purged and how much $$$ I've spent!"

Makes the argument moot in my opinion. I gave up trying to rid myself of the guilt by ridding myself of the clothes. Now they hang in my closet where they should and I wear them when I please and I haven't seen a bit of guilt in 7 years. [/SIZE][SIZE=3]
That cycle is destructive. We all know it's something we deal with, but the decision must be irrevocably final in one direction or the other.
Final score: Cheryl - 1, Guilt/Purge - 0[/SIZE]

[Foxglove]

Yes, I've purged and purged and purged again. The clothes go away, but I'm still here, still me. The urge to purge is the verge of another splurge--or something like that. I'm not a Communist. I'm done with purges.

[Beverley Sims]

I gave in to my problem and never purged.
All my purges have just worn out, or gone to charity because my wardrobe (overflowing) wants to iron new creases in my new purchases.
New thread coming up.

[kimdl93]

I think everyone here can empathize with your situation. Obviously, your family obligations come first. When you say, broached, what did that discussion entail. I can't imagine living in total abstinence, but can't imagine forfeiting a family to dress either. I don't have an answer for you...wish I did.

[Tara Bordeaux]

I've done it once upon starting a new relationship with a GG a few years ago. Got rid of everything, and regretted it when everything fell apart with her 2 yrs later.
I won't do it again, and that may very well apply to relationships with GG's as well. I've been badly burned many times, and quite frankly, don't see putting myself up
for another fall again.

[AlisonWood]

Really appreciate all your advice ladies! The package arrived today and I'm feeling better about keeping everything. Just looking at all those beautiful things makes me calmer.

It's easy to assume that CDing holds us back, but I wonder if the truth is that NOT CDing holds us back. When we have a chance to be ourselves, even if only once in a while, it's so much easier to reach our full potential!

[TxCassie]

Alison, I know how you feel. I've purged so many times. It gives you only an immediate,but all too brief feeling of relief. However, it's a false relief because the real relief comes with dressing and being Alison, not by denying her and ignoring her. I a glad to say, I have kept my current wardrobe, as limited as it is, for over a year now with plans to buy more. I just sent an email to a small boutique by my apt. inquiring on their policy on serving transgender -crossdressers. I explained my feelings and hope the owner responds positively. Take a breath, Alison, and go forward, because going back is not an option for the man you thought you were in the past doesn't exist. Alison was there as part of you in the past, she's here today, and will be there tomorrow, even if you purge her clothes. Peace, hon.

[kelly1818]

I gotta agree with everyone else on here...I've purged wayyy too many times. And right after purge, I feel good about it...like I'm getting over something. That feeling usually lasts between an hour and a day...haha. Then, I'm right back to it. Over the years though, the frequency of my purging has gotten less and less. You just learn to accept that this is a part of you and that while you can throw the clothes away, you can never throw the feelings and desire away.

[JenniferR771]

If the urge to purge happens again. Just get a big chest or suitcase. Lock your clothes in it. And throw the key into the grass as hard as you can. In a few weeks when the time comes, you will know what to do.

I purged about 10 dresses two weeks ago, again at the insistance of my wife. She feels I have too many dresses. "you almost never wear your dresses again." I have around 13 left. She never says thank you. Fine. I plan to replace the dresses with new and better ones from my favorite thrift stores in the next few months. See avatar. Almost new, so I kept the black off-the-shoulder dress in my storage. Also kept the red one in my profile...and the leather dress...and the one with the blue sequins...

[Foxglove]

Alison, maybe you and I can make a deal? When you feel like purging, just send all your stuff to me. I'll give you my address. When I feel like purging, I'll send all my stuff to you. That way, neither of us will ever be out of pocket. Good idea?