Help

[applesnail]

Hi all,

I have recently found out that my fiance is a CD. He kept this from me and hid all his things in the loft. Now that I know, I am more sad about the fact that he could not tell me. I want to try and get involved but he says that he is too ashamed. I am willing to give this a try as I consider myself to be very open minded and its not like we don't lead an open sex life. We have tried other things and have and still do enjoy them lots (without going into detail)!

I don't want him to feel that he cannot carry on CDing if this is what he really likes. He has done this since a young age and I feel that my finding out is forcing him into stopping. Can anybody help me with how to approach the subject without him getting embarrassed?

Cheers

Applesnail

[Tamara Croft]

Hiya Apples

I've moved your post into the main forum as I feel it will get better responses in here. It is hard finding out your partner is a CD, a lot of us have been there. It is normal for your partner to react that way, feeling ashamed etc and you will both have to work hard together to overcome that. There is no easy approach, until he is ready to talk to you, I wouldn't push him into talking to you. Right now, he probably feels like crawling into a big hole

When he is ready, let him come to you to talk. Tell him you want to talk about this, but only when he's ready. One thing you will come to learn, once a CD, always a CD. There is no stopping, doesn't matter how hard one tries, there is no giving up. It is a part of him that he himself will have to accept and he probably knows this already. I wish you all the best with this, it isn't going to be an easy journey, but you will get so much help here, that I can guarantee

[TGMarla]

Why not sit him/her down and tell him exactly what you're telling us here. For my part, I'd feel like I'd just won the lottery if my SO were to approach my CDing like you say you are willing to. God bless you for being so open minded.

Wow! The shoe is really on the other foot here! It's usually US who are so frightened to approach this, and are so worried about rejection. Yet, here you are with your arms open to him, and he will not discuss it with you? My advice, while not knowing you or the nature of your relationship, is to give him a big embrace, and suggest that you two make yourselves real comfortable....and talk.

He'll never regret it.

Oh, and so often when a SO finds out about this, the anger comes from the fact that a secret was hidden from her. Tell him that you understand why he would choose to hide this from you, and please, please tell him that you forgive him for it.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Hi Apples,

I'm sure it's crushing to feel that he couldn't trust you enough, but it's any consolation it's less that he felt he couldn't open up to your and more that he was terrified of losing you. It sounds like he's having trouble being self-accepting -- and if he can't accept himself, he's probably having trouble thinking that any woman would be accepting. And if he's been online to these sorts of groups or read home pages of other CDs, he's well aware that some woman do in fact freak out over it -- so I'm really proud that you're so loving and accepting.

As Tamara said, probably the best thing to do at this point is to give him some time and space. Beneath the dress, he's still a guy and we just deal with something differently than GGs (that's "genetic girls"). For better or worse, talking things out isn't our first reaction. For men actions often do speak louder than words, so just continue to demonstrate that you love and care for him. You might also try giving him a small gift that acknowledges his femme side, such as a new pair of panties, or some (clip-on) earrings. Since he's embarassed to talk with you about it, just leave it out for him to find. He'll get the message. (Yes, I'm giving advice instead of just listening, it's a guy thing... )

If he's like the vast majority of us, CDing is something that's deeply ingrained and something he's very unlikely to stop doing. No one's really sure why, although it's a question many of us have pondered at length. So the sooner he comes to accept this, the happier he'll be -- and the happier you'll be as well. But we're here to help both of you. When he's ready, you might point him in this direction. (If he's uncomfortable out by you also being here, I can suggest some other supportive groups as well.)

[stayfrosty55]

As long as you always respond to him with good feelings and a smile, I think things will turn around. Always make the atmosphere between you two a happy one and he should turn his painful feelings around. You can't force him to talk, that will only make him even more spaced from you. Let him come to you and let him know there still isn't someone else you would rather spend the rest of your life with

[Ellaine]

Hi Apples I wont just repeat all the very sensible comments you are getting and will get more of.... Sooo(In humour of course) ... Tell him if he can't open up to you, he will have to go!!! So you can inform some of these forums that you are available and will have less fortunate CD's queueing around the block for your affections!!!


You truly are a quite rare free thinking lady and I hope you both have a very happy future.....as Darla says.... this forum would be a great place for you both to express your feelings and also to build some real friendships.
Alternatively you could avoid pressure (percieved or real) and just buy him a treat every so often..sooner or later he will just HAVE to show you.......
Big HUGS to you both


Ellaine

[KatieZ]

Unfortunately society has driven crossdressers into feeling shame and guilt for their desires. It usually takes a lot of us many years to overcome that and accept ourselves for who we are.

One thing that I'm sure a lot of us here will agree on is that being ''made" to dress up takes away the guilt. By being "made" to dress up it is no longer our desire, so we willing submit.

Just another option for you to consider.


Hugs

[Ellaine]

Unfortunately society has driven crossdressers into feeling shame and guilt for their desires. It usually takes a lot of us many years to overcome that and accept ourselves for who we are.

One thing that I'm sure a lot of us here will agree on is that being ''made" to dress up takes away the guilt. By being "made" to dress up it is no longer our desire, so we willing submit.

Just another option for you to consider.


Hugs

Hi Katie I understand your good intentions here, and I may be totally wrong, but although your sugestion seems an obvious possible solution; I would urge Apples to refer to a proffesional dominatrix before going down this road.

Perhaps wiser girls here will have more to say on this, I hope so. Mind games are fine in their place but I'm sure there are dangers in using "force" games innaproprately. The logic you quote is well established and agreed but, this is not a text-book case.

Help girls!!!!!


Ellaine

[KatieZ]

Your right Ellaine,

I didn't mean to make it sound like a lifestyle type of thing, but rather a playful coaxing out of the closet.


Hugs

[Ellaine]

Katie Forgot to mention the importance of practice...and er that I'm available ..

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Applesnail,

The best advice I can think of is to have him check out this forum,in private,if he's embarrassed.Reading some of the posts here and meeting some of the girls on the net was the best thing that I ever did;it let me finally accept myself,and that I was not some kind of weirdo.After one month of visiting this site I had the courage to tell my wife of 23 years that I was a crossdresser and had been doing it for 48 years.I was one of the lucky ones and it sounds like he is also,you are a treasure dear lady.

[ChrissyCrossedLegs]

Applesnail,
Bravo for being you,
Bravo for being here,
Bravo for staying with your man.. opps I mean .. well you know what I mean.
Have to say a lot of what has been written is great, but unless I skipped some, I am not sure I read anyone asking you to give us more info on him. I don't mean name address and shoe size, although I am sure you might get some takers.
Priscilla made some great points about getting him on here, but then we don't know if he/she is here already? That's the way I would be going, get him to see how many of us there are.. because no matter how many Jerry Springer shows he has watched nothing will prepare him for us lot.. nothing...
As for you, read Darla's opening lines.. don't ever ever forget them.. this isn't because he doesn't love you, it's because he does.
Best of luck
My SO is Odette30 on here if you need a GG to talk to.. sure Tamara and the other GG's will be there for you too.

[Sarahgurl371]

Our lives can be filled with guilt, shame and fear. Unfortunatley many of us will never find a spouse who is as openminded as you. You deserve much cudos for trying to help him feel good about himself. That IS love, and is to be commended.

I know that you may be upset about him not telling you. Took me 6 to 12 years to tell my wife, some never do. It is a fear that I/he will be left alone and exiled because of who we are. Some of us spend many years of unhappiness and fear, before we come to love ourselves as we are. I had hoped that telling my wife would help me accept myself. So I think your guy is ahead of the game on this one. I know as well that I still feel a little embarrassed when dressed, even when just brushing my hair, if she happens to see me. Don't know why, just do. Maybe its cause I/he never allowed ourselves to delve into this part of us, and it is the most intimate part of us. We could be afraid that others, when left in to this part, despite thier intentions, could hurt us in a real bad way. Just a theory.

I wish you guys the best. I would say, just let him know you are OK with him and LOVE him the way he is. That is love. That is powerfull. Maybe in time he will open up to you. It took me many years to open up to myself, let alone my wife.

God bless!

[Megan G]

Well as a crossdresser that is trying to come up with the courage to tell my wife I can relate to what your fiance is feeling right now. I want to tell my wife so baddly but I am too ashamed to admit that her loving husband likes dressing up as a woman and has a soft feminin side to him.

Society tells us that we should not have these feelings as men so talking to the woman you love about this side of him is a very embarasing and ego killing thing.

I applod you in wanting to support him and I can only hope my wife feels the same way.

[DonnaT]

Hi all,

I have recently found out that my fiance is a CD. He kept this from me and hid all his things in the loft. Now that I know, I am more sad about the fact that he could not tell me. I want to try and get involved but he says that he is too ashamed. I am willing to give this a try as I consider myself to be very open minded and its not like we don't lead an open sex life. We have tried other things and have and still do enjoy them lots (without going into detail)!

I don't want him to feel that he cannot carry on CDing if this is what he really likes. He has done this since a young age and I feel that my finding out is forcing him into stopping. Can anybody help me with how to approach the subject without him getting embarrassed?

Cheers

Applesnail

As has been mentioned, he needs to learn to accept that this is a part of him that will never go away. If he can't learn to do that on his own, then he needs to talk to some people like us, or to a gender therapist.

All you can do is tell him you'll be there when and if he decides to open up to you. Don't make him dependent upon you, or you may come to resent it later. It's happened before. It then becomes all about him and his CDing.

[Stephenie]

Apples,
May be all you can do for now is be ther for him when he's ready. I took me till I was 47yrs old to except my own CDing and he needs time and you. Don't worry it's not going away, so when he feels better about himself he'll open up to you.