So I stopped for a while

[Noemi]

I decided to stop dressing up for a while. Just too complicated, plus I have a new GF, figured I would give our relationship a go with out the cding. I have tried to be normal(you know what I mean) before and failed, but at this point in my life have a far deeper understanding of who I am and this has made a difference this time around.

I am reporting back to you all that I am pretty happy not wearing panties and removing body hair and hiding out on certain levels because I was always under dressed.
I do fantasize about being a woman when making love to my GF, especially when things get oral but it is still fun. And very nice to hold her close to me.
I also still "feel" like a girl almost as much as when I was dressing, though not quite as much. People were beginning to notice that I am feminine before, which I suppose was OK. But now I grew a beard and have a woman on my arm so I am totally under cover Hahaha.
I am being honest with my self and with you all. This is what I chose right now in my life.
I still visit and read the posts from time to time.

Anyway, not to write too much...I broke my shoulder, really sucks...puts me out of work and I have to come up with $$$ for surgery. So tonight I am wearing some panties and dressed up a bit today. It felt really good and relaxed me... well complex as always.

[Barbara Ella]

Sorry about the shoulder, hope surgery goes well. It is wonderful when you can do whatever you want whenever you want, and not feel badly about it. Glad you can do these things honestly, it is what we all strive for. And yet, dressing is still there as a support when needed. Enjoy your life.

Babes

[Noemi]

Thank you for the positive feedback.
That is why I posted this, just to say that I changed my mind about things for now, today at least. And have had some very good days, well until I fell and broke my shoulder. I still can not believe I made such a mistake, wow it is going to change 2012 allot for me.

[jillleanne]

I decided to stop dressing up for a while. Just too complicated, plus I have a new GF, figured I would give our relationship a go with out the cding. I have tried to be normal(you know what I mean) before and failed, but at this point in my life have a far deeper understanding of who I am and this has made a difference this time around.

I am reporting back to you all that I am pretty happy not wearing panties and removing body hair and hiding out on certain levels because I was always under dressed.
I do fantasize about being a woman when making love to my GF, especially when things get oral but it is still fun. And very nice to hold her close to me.
I also still "feel" like a girl almost as much as when I was dressing, though not quite as much. People were beginning to notice that I am feminine before, which I suppose was OK. But now I grew a beard and have a woman on my arm so I am totally under cover Hahaha.
I am being honest with my self and with you all. This is what I chose right now in my life.
I still visit and read the posts from time to time.

Anyway, not to write too much...I broke my shoulder, really sucks...puts me out of work and I have to come up with $$$ for surgery. So tonight I am wearing some panties and dressed up a bit today. It felt really good and relaxed me... well complex as always.

Let me see if I have this straight or am I missing something in your thread here:
You are happy you no longer need to express your gender enhancement because it was just too darn complicated, you have a much deeper and clearer understanding of who you are, and you have a new girlfriend that so far, likes oral sex. You are happier now not having to underdress so as to protect your gender expression from the people close to you that trust and respect you as an honest person and since growing a beard and having that new "humma humma" to hold in your arms, you are still able to feel almost as feminine as before when other people would notice on occasion how femme you appeared underdressed.
I am very pleased you are able to write here about how honest you are being with yourself and others that mean the most to you.

So to celebrate your "finding the new you " today/tonight, you decided since giving up expressing your gender self, particularly underdressing, because you have a much clearer and deeper understanding of who you are , and a new " whaka whaka" to cling your arms to, so you slipped on a pair of panties and dressed up a bit. Congratulations girl, er, boy, er person. Clear as mud to me!!!!

Sorry to hear about the shoulder, I really am. It can be sore as heck, I know. (I was sort of a poor excuse for an Evil Knievel act-a-like at one time. I think booze had something to do with that.)

[LeaP]

I am being honest with my self and with you all.

You present a very confusing situation. Of course, a lot of us are confused, so nothing unusual there.

There's a big gulf between knowing what you are doing and "being honest with yourself." What you've described is a deliberate decision to hide. Your GF deserves more respect than that. So now that you are in honesty mode, why don't you try being honest with her?

Lea

[Foxglove]

I have to second Jilleanne and Lea: I'm not really clear as to the situation. But as long as you're happy with things, that's what counts. I'd go along with Lea, though, as regards the GF. Best of luck with the shoulder. I hope that gets sorted out ASAP.

[Marleena]

Sorry to hear about your shoulder Filomena, been there done that. Don't let it go too long, in some cases you can end up with permanent nerve damage.

Okay so you almost have given up CDing for a GF (you just underdressed). I think many of us have done the same. If you love her you know you will need to tell her about CDing right? Afterall you know it doesn't go away, and will cause some issues later on.

We are who we are.

[kimdl93]

Best of luck with the current situation. If by chance, the desire returns, are you prepared to explain yourself to your new GF? Consider this before you lead her to believe your are something that you may not be.

[Badtranny]

But now I grew a beard and have a woman on my arm so I am totally under cover Hahaha.

None of my business, but....

This is why people distrust closeted people.

I wish you the best Filo.

[Krististeph]

Ouch! Shoulder surgery! Hang in there!

I understand what you are saying, but maybe consider this: think about the words you used: "...still 'feel' like a girl..." and "... about being a woman...". These are thought many of us have- although even with unlimited funds and support- we would never have that life- we grew up as men or at lease crossdressing men- my point is that we are going to be different regardless of if we dress as women or men, or live as women or men. I'm trying to say that 'switching' between dressing or not dressing is not unexpected since our society tries to push us into one or the other- so don't feel strange or ungenuine in any way when you do think about the different ways of dressing.

As much as we may not fit in with a large portion of society's expectations- our lives tend to give us an advantage in understanding female issues and attitudes over those that don't crossdress. This has helped me a lot at work with clients, helped me court my wife, and i think we as CDers or TG appreciate the female form and body more than any 'straight' (non-CDer or TG) guy. I agree, it can be more complicated than being male and female both! I sometimes wonder if that is not one of the bigger obstacles to the general public's acceptance or understanding of transgenderism- it requires not only an alternate mindset (that most people never considered as being plausible), but having to sometimes consider both mindsets at the same time.

Not that I am an F. Scott Fitzgerald worshiper or anything, but he did say: "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function."

I too go back and forth, my wife does not feel comfortable with me being social while en femme, and i am a little overcautious about it myself, so I have to adopt certain ways of living that aren't ideal.

Being female, male, or otherwise is mostly in the mind- and it sounds like you are pretty comfortable with yourself. Good for you! And good luck in your relationship, and remember: you get a lot of fashion and dressing ideas from her as well as dating her!

Kristi

[Kathy Smith]

Filomena,
Remember that, whatever you attempt to do about your CDing, you are still you. The chances are that you will keep getting the CDing urge, more strongly each time. You really don't want to be married or in a deep relationship when that possibility is so real. I, personally, would recommend that you tell your GF about your CDing. The chances are that she'll accept it, if not, well, it could be saving you both from a lot of unhappiness later. If she won't accept you as you are, warts and all, then perhaps she's the wrong girl for you.

[Noemi]

Thanks for the feedback. Some of you do get it, that this is a choice. I am aware of who and what I am. I thought about this considerably and do not want to dress up anymore. The GF has little to do with that decision. She is aware that I am BI and is OK with that, I do not think she is going to be OK with CD'ing, she would be friends with me but not want to be my GF. But I am not cding at the moment and it is unlikely that I will this day.

I posted this to share that we do have a choice, I have a choice. I m still happy in my life and do realize that I am trans, or shaded in a way, that I am not exactly male and not exactly female. But I have a male body. I am thinking through my gender issues. Plus I am in love with the field I work in, music. And I am free inside of the art to be myself and tell the whole room my stories.

I am do wonder how my GF can not have her nails done and toes done perfectly and why she wears such boring panties. Why she does not just dress up like Doris Day, I would if I was her. She has some gender issues herself, she has told me this....
Things are working out for us intellectually, and romantically. Plus she is a trust worthy person.

So I will proceed in this direction for now.
Thanks again for the feedback. I have learned so much from reading these boards.

[Foxglove]

Some of you do get it, that this is a choice.

I posted this to share that we do have a choice, I have a choice.

There is no choice, not for me. I never had any choice in the matter. I am what I am.

If you want to talk about choice, it's like the choice between breathing and not breathing. Yes, true, there you have a choice, if you want to call it such. As for CDing, you can choose to deny it (which I did for a long time) and be very unhappy. Or you can choose to acknowledge it and find some happiness in it. That's the choice I have, if you want to call it such.

But I never had any choice as to what I was. Somebody or something else decided that for me.

[Marleena]

Good luck with stopping the dressing, I truly mean that! Sounds like she is a keeper.

[Noemi]

I am the most trustworthy and consistent person you will ever meet. By using hypotheticals to describe what you are trying to say, which is what anyway? "This is why people do not trust closeted people" Who are these people you describe? You perhaps? Your answer is all about you, and is of no use to me. Why post such narcissistic nonesense. Try to have something to say next time.
Thank you for wishing me well but from our previous encounters I have realized that I made a mistake soliciting your opinion. Badtranny you are just a bad vibe.

None of. my business, but....

This is why people distrust closeted people.

I wish you the best Filo.

[DonnaT]

Sorry about the shoulder, and hope you can get it worked on soon.

But I am not cding at the moment and it is unlikely that I will this day.

She has some gender issues herself, she has told me this.... she is a trust worthy person.

In your original post you said, "tonight I am wearing some panties and dressed up a bit today," but then said you are not cding. You've complicated your post, because it initially sounded like you are still CDing.

My question is, when your GF honestly discussed her gender issues, why weren't you honestly open with her about your issues?

[DanaR]

..................... She is aware that I am BI and is OK with that, I do not think she is going to be OK with CD'ing, she would be friends with me but not want to be my GF. ...................

This seems upside down to me, she would be okay with you being BI, but if you were a CD that would be a deal killer. Interesting!

[Stephanie47]

I see some inner conflict here. You seem still interested in cross dressing and what your girlfriend wears and does with her appearance. I think giving up the urge to dress but still thinking about it will lead to stress. I did not give up cross dressing, consciously. I was put in a situation where I could not cross dress, even if I wanted to. I did not miss it for over two years. I did not think about it. Then when I thought about marriage my memory banks pulled it out of the closet. Do I tell her I did this years ago? Would I fall victim to this "perversion" again (This is over forty years ago)? I began to dabble in it a couple of years after marriage. Now I am a full blown cross dresser and totally at peace with it. Personally, I wish you luck! However, be prepared to revert back to who you are.

[anonymousinmaryland]

So YOU stopped for a while? . . . My wife found out just before the holidays, she has breast cancer, and that we've been through the wringer, and a mastectomy is scheduled in three days. Talk about STOPPING. EVERYTHING. A real eye opener.

[Noemi]

So YOU stopped for a while? . . . My wife found out just before the holidays, she has breast cancer, and that we've been through the wringer, and a mastectomy is scheduled in three days. Talk about STOPPING. EVERYTHING. A real eye opener.

Oh you poor dear. My prayers will go out to you. I went through a cancer ordeal with my Mom. Truly a difficult situation.
You know what happened is that I am upset because I broke my shoulder. So I sought the comforts of dressing to make me feel better. I am not saying that dressing up is a bad thing. It feels wonderful, just not how I perceive myself, plus I do not have the time.
If I change my mind again so be it, but today i am not thinking of dressing at all. Too complicated.
Hope all goes well with your wife.

[Noemi]

Thanks for your kind words.

My GF and I have not had a real gender discussion. She has made comments that she had given up on men(til she met me) and was thinking of dating women. And there I am a feminine man. She asked about my sexual orientation early on I suppose when she became interested in me and I told her I was BI. I did not say I am a cross dresser but have probed her about this and where she would accept me as a person, I do not think she would let me into her bed.
Believe me I am all ears and listen to everything that is said here. Maybe Cd'ing will become an issue later, but I do not think it will as I do not want to dress up anymore. I like my life with out all the cding tensions.
I can tell you that when we lay together there is no tension and feels very natural and comfortable. Really very very nice.

Sorry about the shoulder, and hope you can get it worked on soon.


In your original post you said, "tonight I am wearing some panties and dressed up a bit today," but then said you are not cding. You've complicated your post, because it initially sounded like you are still CDing.

My question is, when your GF honestly discussed her gender issues, why weren't you honestly open with her about your issues?

[BillieJoEllen]

Filomena, thanks for sharing. Make sure that you find a very, very good surgeon for your shoulder. I've had two major shoulder surgeries and its a tremendous thing to go through. I wish I would have shopped around because we have a few surgeons in this city that the patients seem to heal faster when these guys operate and they wind up with fewer complications. Also when you get back to CDing (I'm pretty sure you will) its nice to have shoulders that work well. Its tough hooking a bra when your shoulders are tight and you can't reach back there, or when you're zipping up a dress.

[Badtranny]

Badtranny you are just a bad vibe.

Hmmm, that's got a nice ring to it. Kind of Seussian feel really.

I would say I was more of a buzzkill, than a badvibe though dontcha think?

[carhill2mn]

I am sorry to hear that you broke your shoulder; bummer! You are experiencing what nearly everyone who stops physically "dressing" experiences. Even if you do not act upon your desires, you will continue to think about dressing, femininity, etc.
Good luck to you.

[jillleanne]

Oh you poor dear. My prayers will go out to you. I went through a cancer ordeal with my Mom. Truly a difficult situation.
You know what happened is that I am upset because I broke my shoulder. So I sought the comforts of dressing to make me feel better. I am not saying that dressing up is a bad thing. It feels wonderful, just not how I perceive myself, plus I do not have the time.
If I change my mind again so be it, but today i am not thinking of dressing at all. Too complicated.
Hope all goes well with your wife.

Fear not the lack of time, it will find you.
I would be concerned greatly by your statement in regards to Doris Day. Doris Day DID NOT dress like her television personna in real life. I hate to burst your bubble, but that was TELEVISION. If you find your gf's panties boring, buy her new ones or give her all yours since you don't ever need them anyway due to all the complications involved.
I recall thinking like you Filomena. I really do, and I only wish the best for you. It didn't work for me but hey, we are all different and we each must find out who we are when the time is right. If that is your desire and it works for you, I think that's wonderful. We will all still be here rooting for you if you decide to come back.