I promise to update everyone who has asked for it in greater detail soon..but for now let me post a letter I wrote as part of my own personal journal and something I shared recetly in Therapy...Would love to hear some feed back.
“Sometimes you can’t see the Forest for the Tree’s” Frederick Engels
I wasn’t sure who originally penned this quotation but as curiosity got the better of me I had to go and look it up…..Some may view my using the quotes of others as false wisdom but as I do gain knowledge by “Standing on the backs of Giants.” Who came before me? Any falseness that may be perceived withers away as I believe that when reality rises its ugly head isn’t most all knowledge garnered as such?
I have long said that “My life is an endless succession of Hypocrisy and Epiphanies.” And as evidence to support my quote here I recently had one of these moments of clarity when I realized that while “I still have a long row to hoe” before I can truly say that my dream of being female is realized…I have made significant progress forward from the point I was at just a mere 11-months ago.
Back in Feb 2011 I set a two year goal with the idea being that I would use the first year to explore and experiment with dressing and being out in public enfemme to see if first off I was comfortable with the idea, secondly if I would be accepted or at least tolerated and lastly to see if this was really what I wanted and or needed to make my life complete.
It was quickly apparent to me that “Yes” this was something that I needed in my life and that with but a few exceptions people really didn’t seem to care or take all that much notice of me….
I realized that a large part of my fear was self-induced or imprinted upon me by others around me. It became my main goal not to live my life as a Woman trapped by fear behind the four walled prison/apartment where I lived…not that I had any desire to run up and down the streets making my seen by any who might chance to look my way either….But I wanted and want to live my life as normally as the next girl, gender presentation be damned.
What do I mean when I use the term “As Normal as possible?” an example would be that I am sitting at home when the urge to have some ice cream hits the wife and I….I don’t want to feel that I have to jump up and run to undress and remove my makeup, wigs etc…just to run this quick and simple errand.
If I have bills to pay, or Library Books to return or a need to run get Milk, bread and eggs from the local market….I just wanted to feel comfortable enough to go and run these mundane everyday errands like any other Housewife would.
My dreams for a life as Wendy are neither lofty nor extravagant and as such shouldn’t be unattainable…I have no qualms with those who do seek more or different experiences than do I...but for myself I just want to blend in when I go out and to my way of thinking it is a victory for me if I go to the Grocery store and draw no undue attention upon myself and those whom I have contact and interact with view me as just another boring old housewife out on a Wednesday afternoon jaunt buying staple foods to feed their family.
So there I sat on my couch a few nights ago, I had finally had a couple of days in a row off from work and was taking advantage of the time when the wife walks in and makes mention that it’s almost dinner time and she didn’t feel like cooking….This is her way of saying that she wants me to make dinner which for our entire marriage has never been an issue between us, I cook all meals easily 75-80% of the time I am at home anyway…tonight however was different in that to be honest about…I just didn’t want to do it.
After a minute or two’s discussion we decided that take out from a local restaurant was our dinner plans for the evening and as she wasn’t feeling well she went back to lie down and I made ready to go pick up Chinese Food for our dinner….It was only as I exited our house that this epiphany hit me and I realized just how much my life had changed for the better….
Just a few short months ago my going out the door enfemme would have resulted in a “Cat Fight” between us….at the very least one of us would have probably have ended up sleeping in the other bedroom or on the couch over something as simple as picking up dinner, this has changed for the most parts now.
I won’t go so far as to say that there aren’t still times when strife arises between us…but it has been at least three months since I have felt any real pressure/stress resulting from being told or feeling the need to jump back and forth between gender presentations just to complete everyday chores, errands and interactions. Two days ago I went out to return Library materials in the middle of the morning and just last night the phone rings and it is one of those automated calls informing me that my wife has prescriptions ready for pick up at the local Walgreens’ Pharmacy….so I grabbed my purse, threw on my sweater and scarf and out the door I went.
This is indeed a huge victory for Camp Wendy as far as I can see it.
So back to the title and original quote from the beginning of his letter…A few short days ago as I sat relating this information to my Therapist the implications of this all really was driven home to me as I realized that I am living my life on my own terms now in nearly every aspect other than work…work knows of my intentions and have expressed a willingness to work with me on my schedule.
I come and go as I please…most of my family and all my immediate neighbors know…but it was still difficult for me to see that this dream has been realized because yep…those tree’s still stand and block my view at times….it has only been after I took a step back and reexamined my life that I realized for the first time in a very. Very, very long time….I feel more than just cautiously optimistic…I feel dare I say it aloud..? Happy!
