Has anyone ever left their S.O. due to crossdressing?

[Sarah C.]

Sadly, there are too many incidents of the S.O. leaving a relationship due to the male's crossdressing. But I was curious if anyone has ever left their S.O. due to them not accepting crossdressing?

Quick summary - When I met my wife, I told her about my crossdressing within a month of us dating. I wanted to be completely honest right from the start, plus I only wanted to be with someone who would accept this part of me. She was unsure at first, but said it was something that she felt she could accept. Fast-forward to 7+ years of marraige, and the best that I get is tolerance. Granted, she has tried, by buying me a few pieces of clothing and occasionaly being ok with me wearing something while we're intimate. But still, during those times, her biggest focus is how long she needs to wait for me to take it off. She's said that it does nothing for her, and sometimes is actually a turn-off. Othertimes if I'm dressed around the house, she becomes more distant and there is hardly any physical contact.

I feell very frustrated and sometimes downright angry about this. I was totally honest, and even told her that if this was something she couldn't accept, then we probably shouldn't pursue the relationship. I feel like I've been cheated out of acceptance and enjoyment that I wanted in my marriage. I can see if I had told her 3 years in that I'd be in no position to complain, but I was upfront about this right from the start.

We've tried councelling, but it doesn't seem to have helped things change at all. I feel that my femme persona is about 20% of who I am, so as a result, I'm only getting 80% of a full, loving marriage right now. Am I wrong to expect her to change, and accept and support me? Or I am being selfish here and being unreasonable to her feelings. feel like my femme side is being totally suffocated and it's causing all of me to feel horrible. It makes me really wonder if we can keep this marriage together.

Any thoughts or advice would be most helpful.

Sarah C.

[Laura912]

Sarah,
This is not a situation about which one can be very optimistic. Both of you need to change if you are to stay together. Perhaps a different counsellor would help. Please consider that. Also, before going to the counselor, find out what are your wife's expectations of the sessions and take a serious look at your own. Unfortunately, some couples think the counselor is going to side with one or the other partner.
Talk to your wife and find out if there are situations where you can dress and she is not bothered. You need to be sensitive to the times she is obviously bothered and avoid them and that is not for now, just during this difficult time, but at any time in the relationship. Emulate the willow tree and bend a little. Best of luck.
Laura

[Karren H]

No but there have been times I have contemplated it....

[josee]

Sarah, there are similarities in our stories and I too have considered it. Wives have been known to change their minds once or twice.

[April_Ligeia]

It sounds like you have been completely honest, so I would ask myself if I were you, what the real problem might be. At the end of my marriage, EVERYTHING that made me the least bit happy created a problem with my ex-wife, but when I think back, it was a steady progression. She would like a song until I said I liked it, and then she would criticize the song, which I later realized was a way of criticizing me. So look at ALL your interactions and see if dressing is really the problem. I hope so, because that would be a lot simpler to work through.

[suzy1]

She is only human. She probably thought she could accept your C.D.ing but now finds she can not.

No one is really to blame. You did the right thing and told her at the beginning of your relationship. But she now finds she can not accept it.
Marriages go bad for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes after many years.

It sounds from what you have said that separation might be on the horizon. Sorry.


SUZY

[diannecourtney]

Hell what difference does it make, parting is parting - unless there are kids - I for one am happy with the split, girl I can wear anything, even when she visits.

[Launa]

Theres always hard times in our good relationships. My situation is similar to yours, I told the wife of my dressing right from the get go. She is tolerant of it. I think why most GG's change their attitudes is after a few years of marriage everybody realizes that it is now about work not just 100% fun. After we dress around her quite a bit and she picks up on how "high" we get on doing it even if its only 5% of the time, then this is when the attitudes can change towards resentment etc... You have to be a little bit selfish here but not to much to rip apart the marriage. Shoot for a compromise of 60/40% male to female dressing and then you can settle for less from there. Just like haggling, you need to have a bottom line too. Good luck!

[Stephanie-L]

My marriage is breaking up, and CDing is a small part of it. There are a lot of other reasons, which she does not see, or want to see, but she does jump on CDing as a problem whenever we fight...............STephanie

[Sarah C.]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Yes, it is a rather tough time right now. I would like to point out thought, that I do love my wife very much, and other than crossdressing issues, we get along quite well. I certainly do not want to seperate, but this non-acceptance on her part is starting to creep into other aspects of my life. I'm finding myself generally more unhappy, unmotivated and more angry on a day to day basis, and i don't like it one bit. I used to be happy!

I do realize that people change, and her feelings on what she can and can't handle are obvisously different now than when we were first together. I just don't know what to do.......

Sarah C.

[Stephanie-L]

Sarah, I would suggest that there is more going on than just your CDing. You say you are more unhappy, unmotivated and angry each day, but you say that CD is only 20% of your life. Either CD is much more important than you think or there is something else in that 80% that is also a problem. You need to do two things, find out what the problem is, either the CDing or something else, and then decide how you want to fix it. I also love my wife very much, I just can't live with her anymore. If I didn't love her the breakup would be easy, as it is, I go out of my way and take on a lot of extra pain so I don't hurt her more than I need to. If you would like to PM me please feel free, I may not be able to help, but I am in a similar situation and I can listen........Stephanie

[Melissa.Lynn88]

Sarah, my situation is similar to yours. I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 7 years and I just recently came out to her about this. However, I don't really feel like I kept anything from her because I had stopped dressing before I met her and just recently started again and was up front with her about it from the start. I really love her and she has been mostly tolerating of me dressing. However, she has been far from happy about it and is noticeably uncomfortable around me when I'm dressed. It's upsetting to me when she acts like this because to me I'm the same person but she can't seem to see that. As much as it upsets me about how she acts about this I do respect her opinion and know I can't change it, but at the same time I can't help but be myself. I have thought about whether or not she is best for me and at the moment I love her too much to walk away from her, even though I don't really like the way she is acting about this.

[DonnaT]

I love my wife too much to even think about leaving, and she's done 180's quite a few times. Heck, I've never even started an argument with her in all our 36+ years together.

However, she's contemplated leaving, more than once. I simply told he I'd still love her.

[Genny B]

At the begining of our marriage it was very hard. Some where after the 20 year mark my hobby became more acceptable. I think the fact that I loved to dress for bed and give her a back massage had something to do with that. She began to look forward to the massage. At first she was more anxious for the lights to be turned off, lol. But it has worked out well. I'm not saying a back massage is the answer, but you need to find something that allows you to dress, enjoy it, and has a benefit for her. At least that worked for us (me).

[danielletorresani]

I love dressing up but not enough to ever leave my wife for it. Of course, my wife doesn't know but if she ever found out it's likely she would be the one doing the leaving.

[Stephanie47]

I'm in a DADT relationship with my wife. I've never contemplated leaving because my wife doesn't support cross dressing. I don't throw it in her face, although she has expressed her dislike in the most vile terms. However, it is a part of me which I now fully accept. No more self denial and self loathing. If she were to give me an ultimatum to stop, I'd leave. I had no cross dressed for years when I met her. She told me all her little secrets, which makes my cross dressing pale in comparison. I accepted her fully. I've never thrown any of her revelations in her face. I think she has looked at the scales of marriage and realized they have always tipped in her favor.

And, for those who lobby for full disclosure before the relationship gets deep, there is NOTHING certain in a marriage. Knowledge of male cross dressing is the ultimate weapon of mass destruction and extortion in a dissolution.

[Contessa]

Wow it must be in the air. I am sure that we are in quite the same situation. As separation is in our future for sure. But cding is not the exact reason for us doing so. We can't communicate about anything and we have been together 38 years. We have separated quite a few times and this will probably be the last as I will not return. I don't want to go through the rejection for the rest of my life. If I want to crossdress then I should be able to do so. After all I am grown. As for her maybe some GG can tell me what is she so afraid of. I am not trying to hurt anyone but what do you have to get pass, I am harmless and I am not a threat. But I suppose if the other woman is your husband then that is a real problem for women. I am not sure how that would figure the other way. So as long as she is happy and I am not everything is well and good.

Contessa Marie

[ReineD]

No one ever gets one hundred percent of what they want in a marriage. We all alter a part of who we are in compromise to our spouses' preferences and wishes, even if it is subtly or subconsciously, and anyone who believes otherwise is naive.

Long term marriages are all about compromise.

For example, my ex was privately a bigot. He never would say anything in public and he was affable to people's faces, but in private he felt disdain for certain cultures, sexual orientations, or gender expressions. He knew how to be politically correct, but he'd make comments hidden under the veneer of "good natured jokes". This bothered me tremendously, but I chose to ignore it as long as he didn't spout off in front of the kids. I compromised something that was hugely important to me, which was to be married to a non-bigot. We're talking about a fundamental value difference here. He compromised by keeping his comments to himself when I was around.

Another example: I'm hopelessly focused on detail … very thorough, somewhat of a perfectionist. This must have driven him crazy since he was more the "get 'er done" sort. I compromised by not criticizing his repair jobs and if there was something important to me, I'd tackle it myself. He compromised by not being overly critical when it would take me a long time to get something done to my satisfaction. I know this doesn't come close to gender expression, but I'm writing this in an attempt to point out there are thousands of ways that couples compromise in order to keep the peace. It's a question of finding priorities.

Which is more important to you? Dressing 20% of the time, or your marriage?

I feel that my femme persona is about 20% of who I am, so as a result, I'm only getting 80% of a full, loving marriage right now. Am I wrong to expect her to change, and accept and support me?

You say your wife is non-accepting, but based on your description, I'd say she is "non-embracing"? Does she limit the times you want to dress? Do you need to hide your clothes or keep them in boxes in the garage or something? Do you feel you need to hide new purchases from her? Do you dress at home?

It is my impression there are few women who fully embrace the CDing, and by this I mean who actually prefer their husbands this way. Many of the wives even prefer a DADT approach, which is certainly not ideal, but is better than the wives who give ultimatums: stop the CDing or divorce. And even fewer wives are turned on by the CDing in the bedroom once they realize it is more than just a sexy, fun, kink.

Another member mentioned the "high" that your wife may perceive you feel when you dress. I don't know if you allow it to show through, but this high is universally difficult for wives to accept, since it makes them feel as if they come second to the CDing, as if the femme persona is akin to a mistress. Reverse the situation for a moment, and imagine yourself in a situation where you saw your wife all elated and aglow when engaged in an activity that had nothing to do with you or your marriage, and you imagined she was just biding her time with you until the next time she could "escape". I'd say this is likely the biggest source of turn-off or worry for most wives, even when they accept that their husbands crossdress.

If you divorce your wife over the fact that she doesn't embrace the CDing, you might find yourself alone or with someone who tolerates it even less, just based on current societal attitudes about this. You may hit the jackpot and find a woman who really is into this, but the chances are slim just based on numbers.

But, maybe you would like to dress a lot more than 20% of the time and being alone would allow you to explore the CDing as fully as you might like to?

This may seem harsh, but you did ask for thoughts and advice. My advice is to try to get to the bottom of what it is specifically about the CDing that worries your wife. If she says she is not a lesbian and not into women, it is an indication that she believes that you want to be a woman. You might want to straighten her out.

[SweetPea_GG]

Just a small thought. You mentioned that you wear things while intimate and it seems to u that she basically waits until you take it off...well why not wear things when u guys are intimate...just a thought..make it a special time for u both and make her feel special (not saying u don't but it does seem to make her uncomfortable). Or u said when u dress around the house she becomes distant..well don't dress around the house. Set up times for u to dress while she is out or set up certain days of the month to dresS.. Like I've seen others reply with before..don't shove it in her face..the dressing.. Sounds like she may just really be wanting her husband. She probably loved u do much that she truly believed that the CDing wouldn't effect her.. But now years later and her being worn down from it has finally touched a nerve with her..

I think you should give her more credit here then what you have posted.. First thing for her trying and wanting to be accepting is wonderful.. A lot of ppl I am sure when told before marriage probably never make it to the alter..so she must really love you..

Maybe it's time now u both sit down and talk about boundaries. What she feels comfortable with now..

I think she deserves more credit then what your giving her

[jillleanne]

No. When I divorced, it had nothing to do with my gender expression. The marriage just tasted like rice cakes and I don't like rice cakes. When I met my current s/o, I came to a realization that I had to tell her or go insane as I was no longer willing to live the lie and be able to express myself how I needed to. I was ready to accept a split however, without any issue, if she didn't want to live with my lifestyle. As it turned out, we are still together today, I'm out of the closet, and life is good. If we were to split in the future, it would not be because of my gender enhancements.

[ArleneRaquel]

No, I kept my CD life hidden from my wife. I'm not really sure that I regret that decision. But I have to agree that I wasnt't being honest with her. Maybe I'm was just being a coward.

[Sarah C.]

Wow, great replies everyone! Thanks so much for taking the time to share.

ReineD, you made a several very thought-provoking comments....

"Which is more important to you? Dressing 20% of the time, or your marriage?" - My marriage is most important to me, but at the same time, it would not be a happy one (for me) without the dressing as well. I've been dressing for ~35 years, and married for just over 7, so the dressing well ingrained into who I am. I certainly don't want to end the marriage due to dressing, hence my quandry here.

"You say your wife is non-accepting, but based on your description, I'd say she is "non-embracing" - Wow, what a difference one word can make! Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head there. The more I think about it, I think that is my issue. As I stated earlier, that is what I wanted from a relationship, and the reasone I told her right away. I didn't use the word "embrace", but yes, that was what I was getting at. I've actually been blessed to have had a couple girlfriends in the past who did embrace this part of me - that's why I wanted so much to have it again (those relationships ended for other reasons, not CD'ing). I had it before and desperately want it again. The feeling of full acceptence and an embracing of me - 100% me - was an incredible feeling. That was my motivation to be upfront about what I wanted from this relationship, and spending all this time without it has started to wear me down.

"Does she limit the times you want to dress? Do you need to hide your clothes or keep them in boxes in the garage or something? Do you feel you need to hide new purchases from her? Do you dress at home? - This is a tough area, and probably where I'm going to appear very selfish. No, there are no limits on when I can dress. My clothes are hanging in the closet and in my dresser, right next to my male clothes. I don't have to hide purchases,and yes,I can dress at home. Sounds all great, right? I'm sure there are many members who are wishing they had even 10% of that kind of freedom. The problem is "embracing" (that is the perfect word, BTW). When I wear any femme clothes, she "changes". She beomes more distance, looks at me a little less, talks to me a little less, the fun, joking-around manner diminishes, minimal physical contact (we hug a lot, sit close together on the couch, etc). So I know it bothers her, which in turn makes me not want to dress in front of her (I don't want to make her unhappy). So I dress less. It almost seems like a passive-aggresive method of hers to try to get me to dress less (I'm pretty sure that it's not intentional, but more in a sub-conscious kind of way). So then I get unhappy, and the spiral that began this whole thread begins.....

"Another member mentioned the "high" that your wife may perceive you feel when you dress. I don't know if you allow it to show through, but this high is universally difficult for wives to accept, since it makes them feel as if they come second to the CDing" - Yes, she has commented on this as well, at councelling and in our discussions at home. She can see that CD'ing does make me happy. I guess this is part of what troubles me too. When she expressed interest in activites, I will support her and encourge her in those activities. She gets a "high" from those things, and there is no issue with that. I like to see her happy. That's why I still struggle to understand why CD'ing can't be the same. People should want to see their spouses happy! I know I'm simplifying it a bit, but I have a trouble understanding why it threatens her.

"But, maybe you would like to dress a lot more than 20% of the time and being alone would allow you to explore the CDing as fully as you might like to?" - Yes, I would actually dress more, but I don't want to do this alone. This was one thing I told my wife early on as well. I'm tired of only dressing at home, with all the windows covered, feeling like an outcast. I want to start incorporating some femme clothes into my out-of-the-house wardrobe. I doubt I'll ever venture out full-femme (although that is on my bucket list), and I don't want to live as a woman full-time either. But I do need to "grow" a little as well.

"If she says she is not a lesbian and not into women, it is an indication that she believes that you want to be a woman. You might want to straighten her out." - This issue came up in our councelling sessions, and is one that we have discussed several times. I have stated many, many times (not jut to appease her, but because I do truly belive it) that I do not want to become a woman. I like having my male time and my female time. My feeling is that deep down, she doesn't fully belive me, and that if she were to embrace my femme side, it would in fact drive me to become more femme, and one day want to be a woman.

Wow, I think this is my longest post ever. It was good though, as I had to do a lot of seroius thinking to respond to ReineD's excellent points. I'm sure I'll be thinking about this a lot still over the next few days.

[ReineD]

I didn't use the word "embrace", but yes, that was what I was getting at. I've actually been blessed to have had a couple girlfriends in the past who did embrace this part of me - that's why I wanted so much to have it again (those relationships ended for other reasons, not CD'ing). I had it before and desperately want it again. The feeling of full acceptence and an embracing of me - 100% me - was an incredible feeling. That was my motivation to be upfront about what I wanted from this relationship, and spending all this time without it has started to wear me down.

I don't want to shatter any of your beliefs and of course I don't know your ex girlfriends, but it's important to remember that we're talking about ex girlfriends with whom you don't have a seven year history, girlfriends who are motivated to score points with prospective partners. How do you know they really were into you as a woman, vs. just thinking you were a fun, kinky guy in the bedroom? And would they have sustained this level of interest seven years into the marriage, as they realized the full depth of your gender expression/feelings?

So I know it bothers her, which in turn makes me not want to dress in front of her (I don't want to make her unhappy). So I dress less. It almost seems like a passive-aggresive method of hers to try to get me to dress less (I'm pretty sure that it's not intentional, but more in a sub-conscious kind of way). So then I get unhappy, and the spiral that began this whole thread begins.....

It sounds as if her feelings are real, vs. being passive-agressive as you suggest. There is obviously something that bothers her and it is difficult for her to shake it, as determined as she is to allow you full freedom of expression.

She gets a "high" from those things, and there is no issue with that. I like to see her happy. That's why I still struggle to understand why CD'ing can't be the same. People should want to see their spouses happy! I know I'm simplifying it a bit, but I have a trouble understanding why it threatens her.

I didn't expand on the example using your wife because frankly I couldn't think of an appropriate analogy, since mere hobbies cannot compare to gender expression when it is more than the "fun, harmless, bedroom kink" previously mentioned. But I have been on a few occasions devastated when I saw the depth of happiness my SO experienced over being dressed, as if it would have made no difference whether I was there or not. It's hard to explain. It's not that I don't want him to be happy, but I would have a hard time being happy if he was all excited about meeting a mistress, if this makes sense. I need to work on a better way to explain what I mean.

I'm tired of only dressing at home, with all the windows covered, feeling like an outcast. I want to start incorporating some femme clothes into my out-of-the-house wardrobe. I doubt I'll ever venture out full-femme (although that is on my bucket list), and I don't want to live as a woman full-time either. But I do need to "grow" a little as well.

You realize that as soon as you incorporate some femme clothes (or painted nails, or other visible cues) while going out, this is akin to outing yourself to everyone, if you plan on doing this in your neighborhood, among co-workers, or with friends. How do you and your wife feel about this? It may be better to find a TG support group you can attend. Many have rooms to change into if you feel uncomfortable leaving your house fully dressed. Or you can work on your presentation so that you can blend reasonably well, and go out regularly in the next town over for shopping and lunch.

I have stated many, many times (not jut to appease her, but because I do truly belive it) that I do not want to become a woman. I like having my male time and my female time. My feeling is that deep down, she doesn't fully belive me, and that if she were to embrace my femme side, it would in fact drive me to become more femme, and one day want to be a woman.

Here's the issue: what does "becoming a woman" mean? This is different to everyone. To you it might mean living full time, taking hormones, and undergoing SRS. To your wife, it might mean wanting to look and act like a woman, which you apparently do when you're dressed.

I can also relate to your wife's fears. The one or two years after my SO and I began dating and he told me about the CDing, he went from being closeted like you, to altering his presentation significantly enough to be able to go out everywhere in the mainstream dressed. I was convinced he was well on his way to transition, and even today I wonder what the future might hold, when some of the life long barriers are removed, such as having to show up at work in male mode. Will he want to be full time after he retires? After his parents have passed on? Here is another truth: we GGs cannot pretend we understand the future any more than you do. You may tell us you do not want to become women, but ten years ago you told us you never wanted to leave your closets. Or you could never have imagined yourselves wearing makeup and a wig. Or growing out your own hair. Or wanting laser beard removal.

Can you see why a hetero GG feels concerned when she sees her husband being pulled (yes, literally pulled) by this compelling need to increasingly express a gender that is not sexually compatible with a hetero GG's gender?

I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong here, just that the communication between you and your wife needs to move beyond the superficial (it's not about wearing the clothes) and tackle the deep down motives, desires, and fears. This is not an easy thing to do.

Wow, I think this is my longest post ever. It was good though, as I had to do a lot of seroius thinking to respond to ReineD's excellent points. I'm sure I'll be thinking about this a lot still over the next few days.

It's OK, that's what we're here for. This is a complex topic with many layers, and as much as we like to think we can resolve it all in twenty-five words or less, we just can't.

[Sarah C.]

Hi Reine, you certainly have a lot of insight into the matter! Are you a therapist by trade? If not, you certainly could be!

I will take what you have said (and the input from everyone else too!) and give it all some serious thought over the next few days.

Sorry I couldn't reply to everyone, but I'm busy getting things ready for a football party today - Go Packers! (see, I have a good balance with my guy-side!)

Cheers!
Sarah C.

[ReineD]

No, I'm not a therapist.

Go Packers!!