Tired of pretending

[RachelOKC]

Do you ever get tired of pretending that you are something that you are not? I feel like half of my life is spent trying to be a person that I usually am not. I don't mean fully transitioning I just wish often that my CDing did not have to be so secret. I recently had a house guest and I found that it was a huge stress to hide my clothes and not wear my normal pajamas because it would not be ok. Has anyone else had such an issue that when they really want to be femme they couldn't because they had to hide what they really felt from another? How do you handle that? I always wonder why it is that we have to hide in the closet. It seems that Xders have the hardest time even in todays more accepting climate.

If you don't want to hide your crossdressing, then don't. Obviously there are consequences for outing yourself but you might be pleasantly surprised. You certainly begin to learn who your friends are, and are not.

I didn't like hiding things. I didn't like pretending that I was like every other dude. I didn't like segregating my TG friends and being ashamed of who they were. I didn't like having to be careful with my words. I didn't like being uncomfortable in my own home. I don't like being ashamed of who *I* am...and that's why I finally decided to come out.

I'm still in the middle of the coming out business and it's not easy, especially with some people I'm closest to. But with the people whom I have come out to, it's like a tremendous weight off my shoulders and I'm more at ease.

When my folks stayed with us last Thanksgiving for a week, I was as a girl much of the time and I have to tell you that it felt great being able to be myself in my own home. I'll admit, that even there I had a few reservations, but that was mostly that I don't want my folks to see me padding around in my nightgown!

[giuseppina]

I have the same problems. My girlfriend is living with me for a couple months and it's nearly impossible to dress while she's here. She obviously doesn't know about it, and I can only dress up for a couple hours here and there when she works on the rare days I don't. Then it's always a rush to get all the makeup off and everything packed away before she gets back. Boo.

This is a long closed thread (link below) about how to tell your partner. Krista, it's better to tell your GF sooner rather than later, and definitely before a marriage proposal is made or accepted. There are some threads in Loved Ones about how our SOs are affected by not knowing, and it is generally not good.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ner&highlight=

[sarahcsc]

I have the same problems. My girlfriend is living with me for a couple months and it's nearly impossible to dress while she's here. She obviously doesn't know about it, and I can only dress up for a couple hours here and there when she works on the rare days I don't. Then it's always a rush to get all the makeup off and everything packed away before she gets back. Boo.

I can relate to that too... my ex GF kept asking me why am I so absent minded and I always seemed to be drifting off. That's because I have packages of victorias secret underwear lying all over the place and I was anxious as hell. I'm so tired of pretending...

[bridgetta]

yep.. i feel the same.. its frustrating and sometimes i get irritated.. its hard to keep balanced and that struggle gets boring.. i think this is why i wrote that last thread a few days ago.. where people thought maybe i was upset at woman.. ,, its not woman,, its the monkey on my back.. crossdressing in secret.. its stressfull,, hiding something i do , always did.. and enjoy.. hiding it from someone i love.. even tho she knows.. ..

it would be great if collectively we could come up with a solution.. but we each have to walk our own path with this..

[Gretch]

Yes that's why I transitioned to be a woman because of the same thinking.

[Dawn cd]

Pretending and hiding are two different things, because even when a cd is out in public, dressed, she is "pretending" to be a woman. However her pretending is not hidden. The only way to stop pretending is to transition completely.

I try neither to hide nor pretend. I don't present myself as a woman but am openly androgynous: my hair longish, my clothes partly male, partly female, often wearing light makeup, and I carry a purse. Still, when my adult sons are home I usually skip the purse & makeup and carry a genderless shoulder bag. So I hide a little.

[WsprsOnTheWind]

I don't think this is limited to the CD but to all of us. Personally, I would love to be able to wear what I want out in public but that's just not acceptable. I realize that some do this but I (as many do) frown on seeing people in Wal-Mart wearing pajamas with rollers in their hair. I can't wear my worn out jeans and a sweatshirt to church on Sunday and I hated it when I had to dress up for work every day but I did it b/c that is just how it is. Society has rules and "norms" that we all are expected to live by. Of course we don't HAVE too. I could go to Wal-Mart in my PJ's but I don't want the looks and snickers and the uncomfortable feelings of being stared at and commented on. Not to mention all the jabs that would be said behind my back. So, I dress appropriately when it is necessary and then when I get home I wear what I want. It's no different for the CD than it is for all of us except it's just to a different level for the CD.

People who want to drink go to bars. People who want to watch football go to games. People who are hungry go to restaurants. CD's who want to go out dressed go to places where it is accepted. It is really no different than anyone who has a specific thing they wish to do. They find those places where their particular "thing" is accepted and they go to those places to get the fulfillment they seek for that specific thing.

So, to answer your question about pretending, we all have to "pretend" to a certain level. The real me wants to always go out in jeans, sweatshirts and tennis shoes. The reality of it is that there is going to be times that I can't always be the real me b/c sometimes we have to rise above and beyond the things we want to do and do what is expected of us. While I enjoy the comfy look the truth of it is I want to look my best when going to work, church, funerals, etc., and if that means wearing clothes that I don't particularly care to wear then that is what I am going to do.

[Misti]

Do you ever get tired of pretending that you are something that you are not? .... Has anyone else had such an issue that when they really want to be femme they couldn't because they had to hide what they really felt from another? How do you handle that? I always wonder why it is that we have to hide in the closet. It seems that Xders have the hardest time even in todays more accepting climate.

What a coincidence, Delila, I was right in the middle of reading your post trying to figure out just exactly how to respond to your OP when the door bell rang. OMG the answer to both, your OP and the doorbell, slammed, and I mean, S-L-A-M-M-E-D, right into my mind instantly. Simple answer to your OP is, yes! Long answer is, it just happened to me, again. Let me explain that a bit more. You see I go around the house "practically" 24/7 en femme (i.e., no makeup or wig), and in today's outfit, for instance, I was wearing (see pic) which I brazenly wore while taking out the garbage can to the curb for pickup, it's garbage day, you know.
Now that doesn't seem like a big deal to a lot of our esteemed and courageous members here on the forum, but it's beyond huge for me.” That was actually a "solo, 'damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead' in public first time for me;" and now, I feel exactly like Peter Finch in the movie Network, (the reputed inspiration for Eddie Chiles’s radio campaign), I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more (http://www.ktbb.com/youtellme/2008/0...chiles-be-now/). Here I was proud as a peacock prancing around the house thinking that "finally I was making a breakout of the closet?" HOOAH! when the doorbell rang! BOOM, down to earth came I, in a "deadly crash."
Note. You can not, repeat NOT, do a three-finger salute in real life like you can on the computer (i..e., in Windows: CTRL-ALT-DEL = Re-boot) - dead is dead. Period (I tend to think in pilot terms, you see!). Slam went the closet door on me, and consequently my wife had to answer the doorbell for little 'ol quaking "M" (again please refer to the pic - yes, I know now that my right cuff was rolled up ). Well, it's back to square one and that's why "I'm mad as Hell..."
See ya in the next post.... BTW I'll do better next time